justagirl

My fears: Anyone in my family getting hurt or dieing. My mom dieing. My oldest brother hurting his arm again or being hurt more by people in his life. Being alone emotionally, having people around who are there for the wrong reasons (using me emotionally, dont want to be alone themselves, using me to get to my brothers etc.) , not ever being truly cared for. I fear that I will never be loved by anyone besides family. Also that I won't ever have the happiness of getting married, having kids, and finding the one. My friends/ people I care about getting hurt. Dieing without letting people know how I feel and how much they meant to me, even if they hated me or treated me terribly. Justagirl

Well, welcome to enotalone. Its a difficult situation for you to be in, but you have to do what is best for you and what you feel in your heart is right. If you would regret keeping your feelings to yourself, than I suggest you let him know how you felt/feel and see what comes from that. But if he tries to force or request that you believe in his beliefs and religion and you know you wouldn't be able to live like that than you know that things wouldn't be right if you both ended up together. If he was able to accept the fact that you both believe in different religions than maybe things would work. Telling him how you feel now would be at an advantage to you since he has just recently left for his church services. Also since he will be away for a few years, it will give you both time to grow and think about what is best and what would be right for yourselves and your futures. Letting him know how you feel is a good way to put your mind at rest. Then you know you didn't hold anything back and if there were any chances or possibilities they would surface. Also, if there wasnt a chance at least you'd know now giving you time to heal before living your life with someone who respects your beliefs. I hope this helped somewhat. Justagirl

Hey you, Well, I am sorry you are going through this. I understand why neallo82288 is telling you to do the no contact thing. But from personal experience you can still be friends with him while you are going through this it is just extremely hard. It takes a while for you to be able to talk to him and not feel as hurt. I tried the no contact thing and it personally sucked for me. I felt like I was giving up, the hurt got worse because I didn't know how he was doing. I thought he didn't care at all because he never initiated contact with me which made me feel so, alone. But I finally said forget it and contacted him, I'll admit it was way to much contact at first because he got all mad at me, but I learned to just hold off. occasional contact just so I know hes happy with his life, with himself, and that hes still alive and kicking. It takes time to get better and to understand and be able to deal with all this. Do what you feel is right. If you can handle the contacting than keep in touch. But if you can't keep contacting than do what neallo82288 is saying. Either way I hope all works out for you. Justagirl

When no one is watching, well if I'm at home I'll sing in my room and not worry about cracking a note and I'll dance just because I'm bored. If I'm at school and not very many people are around, I let myself get lost in thought, I'll sit in the middle of the grass under a tree and do my homework. But with me, even if people are watching I'll still be 100% me. I've learned to let myself be me and not really worry about having people see who I really am. When I'm driving in my car I'll sing and do the car dances people do. Walkig through stores I don't put on a show, I'm totally me. If I feel like asking a question out loud I'll do it. I'm sure I probably have certain thins I do when no one else is around or watching, but I don't really ever notice. I dunno, I figure that one day someone that sees me walking around will get to know me for me, whether people are watching or not, so they might as well get used to me from the first time they see or talk to me. Justagirl

Well, I didnt read many of the replys to your post...but I am pretty sure I can imagine what they say. I don't think you should be flipping out as much as you did or still are. He was born with something that can't be changed. How can you measure your love or willing to marry someone on a toe? That is just unreal to me that you would honestly break a great relationship, a guys heart and a possibly fantastic life just because he has one more toe than most people. How would you feel if you had something on your body that you had to deal with the torment, comments, decisions about what to do with the something, and just the idea that people would actually choose to live their life without you because they were childish enough to let it stand in their way of loving you? How would you feel? Why dont you take a step back and think about him for once and the fact that maybe he wouldn't tell you about the toe because he figured you'd act like this and he wanted to see if you would be adult enough to not worry about it or go negative on him. Think of what he's gone through, ask him more about it, learn from it. and also, grow up. Its just a toe. Justagirl

very nice. I think that is how many people feel. Very good. Justagirl

Hey neva_black_n_white, Thank you. Yes, I have. My friend Zack was a case of "wishing I had said something, but I never did." It turns out he felt the same, according to his mom and all the things he said to her about me. So, I still feel awful about not letting him know, but he knows now. Also, with my friend that I unintentionally pushed away. But, I'm not sure if him knowing my feelings would change anything or make it worse. So, I've bottled up all feelings for him. Just so if we ever do talk again, he wont have any reason to hold anything against me and say I'm letting my feelings get in the way. I dunno, I just still feel awful that a great friendship got messed up, for reasons...well I'm not quite sure of the reasons still...but as I said before...everything happens for a reason. But This reason better be darn good for all this to have happened though Justagirl

I agree 100% with secret agent man....you need to tell him because it will never go away if you try to ignore it. Justagirl

Hey, well, I would say just be there for her, listen to her and be a shoulder for her to cry on. Don't try to move in while shes having trouble. It'll mean more if you respect her and take it slow than trying to force her into something now. Wait until things are totally over. She'll most likely let you know when shes ready to move on. Justagirl

1.) I regret not telling my friend Zack everything I should have said and also not seeing him one last time. (he died july 19, 2003). I regret not taking the time to go visit a friend of mine...and... I regret the way I acted towards him when he asked me for space. In my mind I thought he was trying to push me out of his life and I couldn't understand why he'd want to do that, so I kept asking him why and what was going on...when what I should have done was backed away. 2.) I wish I would have stayed late at work to see Zack the day he came. I would have given the friend mentioned above the space he needed when he asked for it, maybe he would still want to be friends like we were before...or at least better than things are now. 3.) I will be more careful of trusting people and what they say. Not letting people take advantage of me being around and hurting me. Always tell people how I truly feel about them before I can't tell them anymore. I'll be more careful of my feelings. Everything happens for a reason and happens so we learn something. Even if the lesson doesn't come right away or it feels like thats a stupid reason for something to happen, eventually we'll know why it happened and think "ohhh, I get it now." Getting hurt is part of life, if you've never been hurt, you've never really lived. The past cant be changed but thats what makes it the past. It happened, you learn from it, and go on. Justagirl

It is a cycle. I have been single my entire life and I've felt the pressures and the judgement from the couples, the friends who constantly date and the relatives who "cant seem to understand why my 15 year old cousin can get a guy, but I can't." The same comments Bzborow1 gets. I went on my first date the end of November 2003. I had a great time, it was fun and he is a great friend. And even though I loved the idea of being part of a couple, he wasn't the one I wanted to be a part of. I would rather live my life single then settle for someone I don't feel right with. As for being seen and going places alone, I've grown used to doing things on my own. I started doing things by myself my junior year in high school. I was afraid at first. Afraid of the comments and what people were going to think. And afraid I wouldn't have any fun being alone. But as things went on and I went to more places by myself (target, mervyns, homecoming, prom, etc.) I realized that being able to walk around by yourself and be happy with not having to always have someone by your side is the best thing you can give yourself. I've made more real friends now than I have my entire life because I was seen as independent and different. I didn't have to be with a group of 8 girls when I went to the bathroom, I didn't have to call up all my friends just for a 5 minute trip to target, I didn't mind being alone. I understand that walking around, seeing all the couples and wishing to be a part of that world. That some things need to be shared with the other people in your life, a special guy or girl. And yes, going places with friends is a total blast, but occasionaly you need your alone time, to go out and be completely yourself and comfortable enough with who you are to be seen alone. Also, going places without other people has a lot of advantages: you won't get cancelled on, feel left out, have an awful time hearing about people not having any fun, get things done faster if you're in a hurry, and plans being changed because so and so can't make it at the original time. When I see people walking around alone and they look comfortable and confident while doing it, I see an independent, original person. But of course this is all just my opinion. Just remember that what other people think about what you do or don't do alone is nothing against you, its their own problem. Justagirl

I've come to realize that my feelings for billy weren't as true as I thought they were. I brought him to Disneyland and it wasn't at all like the first date. He was a totally different person. I believe he was there to try and fill the void that my other friend left. Also, this may sound odd, but I think Billy was around to show me, that yes I had my reasons for acting the way I did towards my friend and the situation, but I could have handled the situation differently. Less emotional I guess. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows. I'm glad that I got a chance to experience this because I know now that you can't use or expect someone new to take away the feelings that are really meant for someone else. In my situation it only made me wonder more about how my friend is doing and think about the situation that went on. But I just wanted to update one last time. Thank to all who helped me, I appreciate it. Justagirl

Qt, Well I'll give it my best shot I agree with everyone on here that Kolby has to figure this out on his own. If you try to get him to see from your point of view it could possibly make him do things just to spite you. I am not telling you to back off I don't remember who wrote it, but you could sit him down and try telling him your feelings and explanations again, and know that you are giving it one last shot. All you can really do is be there for him as a friend....he'll learn from example. I'm sure if you two were/are as close as you say you were/are than he'll see your thoughts and feelings in your eyes when you look at him and know what he is doing isn't the best thing for him. Her true colors will come out eventually, you cant do anything to get her true sides to show because it could end up making you look not so good. So just be there for him, keep your head high, and keep thinking positive. Sorry my advice isn't the best...hope it helped somewhat Justagirl

Well, I think I understand what you were saying. First of all....if friend # 1 broke up with this guy, yet she is trying to get back with him, you need to discuss your feelings with her. Make sure that she understands your full intentions and such. Getting in the way of the possibility of them getting back together wont help you in her eyes or his eyes. Also, you don't want to be his rebound...so I agree with Nianna that you should back off and give it some time. But if you really don't want to be involved in a love triangle and have the possibility of loosing friends...I suggest you back off and maybe find someone new. So yeah...hope this helps...have a great new year Justagirl

.thanks for the advice everyone

Hey everyone, Thanks for responding to my postings and such. Heres a little update: I emailed him a tiny little email, pretty much just saying hi. He wrote back an hour later, telling me what hes up to the next few days and what hes been doing and asking whats new with me and such. So that was good. I've been busy so I haven't been around as much, same with him, so that was the last time I talked to him. Osiris thanks for responding. Just to clear some things up...I never mentioned anything about wanting to marry him after the first date. If thats what it read like than my mistake. But when I said that "this was going to work," or whatever my exact words were, I meant it as in I didn't think it was just a one time date thing. Also, I dont love him...we are friends trying the dating thing. Heartshock, thank you for responding. I understand everything you wrote. I know that those are things I should be doing. Well, if only you and beec would have responded earlier...haha, he should be getting something in the mail, today. But this will be an out of nowhere thing, because I haven't talked to him since Friday night. But even if he doesn't like me more than just friends, we started out as friends, so giving a little gift really isn't such a bad thing. I hope not anyway. Thanks again Beec. I am not trying to buy his love by getting him something. If I felt that was my only way of getting him to notice, a last chance sort of thing, I wouldn't have gotten him anything. I only got him something because he's a great friend. I'm not much of a rule girl, I go by "if it feels right, do it...if not, back off." Yeah, it has its problems just as the rules do, but I don't feel so confined to doing things I don't feel are right or maybe don't fit the situation. I'm not sure, whatever. But I do appreciate your advice and I know what you are saying. I was hesitant at first about sending the stuff, but than I figured if we never went on the date I would still get him something, so I shouldn't let a date change my decision. That works, right? Haha, well he just messaged me. How funny, dont pay attention and he talks...hmm. So yeah, mom wanted him to come over today, so I emailed him Friday night telling him about what we are doing at my house today. He wanted to let me know he cant come over today, But he can after Christmas, Hes been busy everyday and night with the music on the street, And he is doing good. Hmm, alrighty. Didn't go too bad. Anyway, I really do appreciate your guys's advice. I am going to step back and see how things go. Hopefully for the good. Heartshock, I know I'll find a guy someday...just wish it didn't have to hurt so bad on the way there. Bye and thanks again, Justagirl

Thank you colls for your response, I felt a bit better after he said hey. I have a tendency to analyze things now, not sure where that came from. I used to just let things be what they are and not think to much into them, not anymore. thanks again Thanks for your response down-in-a-hole. I understand the response you gave me. Trust me, I have thought plenty about it. Most of the time he'll sign on, check his mail (he has to check it constantly because he manages a jazz band), put his away message on and write music, or leave the room and go do gigs, lessons, make phone calls to find people to fill in spots. He is constantly busy when hes on. Especially now that its Christmas and such. But I do agree with a few seconds of his time to say hi isn't asking for much. But being me, I'm going to let it go and do what I always do, smile, act like nothing is wrong, approach the situation after Christmas and hope all goes well. Thanks again for your response Justagirl

well, I was patient tonight, he was online again, and he signed off and my first thought was "oh thanks for noticing me" but than signed back on to say 'hi, that he's on his way to the gig and just wanted to make sure I'm good. ' So that was good that he said hi. I guess I'm afraid that if I all of the sudden just stop talking to him he'll automatically think I'm not interested and just forget about me romantically and do the just friends thing. Also, with Christmas coming up we won't be able to do anything because he will be busy with family and so will I. So I really wanted to do something this week. Also I got him a little somthing, nothing big, just a gift card to Banres and Noble, that I want to give him. So I'm going to send it to him snail mail since it is looking like hanging out anytime soon isn't an option. Ah, I'm still confused. Thank you for responding beec...at least by being patient this time I know he knows I'm around still. Justagirl

Sorry this is so massively long! Well, I'll give some background information first. I met this guy, about five or six months ago. Lets call him Billy. Ok so Billy and I talked quite a bit at the beginning, always online, never on the phone…he's a phone-a-phobic…so yeah. He met this girl Ally at a party about 2/3 months ago and they hit it off. I was really happy for him because he and I were just friends. So, he and I talked every so often, about Ally or whatever was on our minds that day. About a month and a half ago he and I started talking more often. Which led up to a month ago when he told me he wanted to take me on my first date, so he asked me and of course I said yes. So, a few minutes after he asked me he wanted to let me know that he still likes Ally and he wanted to let me know so he doesn't feel guilty and such keeping it from me. I told him I am cool with it and already knew he had feelings for her. So we went out, had an amazing time. He opened doors for me, held my hand in the movie, had his arm around me in the movie, was cuddling with me on the couch at home, and when we were saying goodbye he gave me my first kiss…it wasn't raunchy, no tongue…just pecks on the lips. I couldn't believe it. I had a smile plastered on my face for the next 2 weeks. He had told me he didn't want to leave he was having a great time and such, but unfortunately he had a 45 minute drive ahead of him. So a week later I went and saw him in his area. His sax quartet was playing for everyone that was looking at the lights on the streets. He wanted me to stand behind him while he played, offered me his chair, and was really glad I came, wanted to take me home (I couldn't though, he was disappointed about that), but anyway it was nice. No hugs or kisses…he couldn't because he was working, no problem though, I totally understood. So now, this is where my problem comes in He and I had made plans to go to Disneyland this past Monday it didn't end up working out because I wasn't sure if he could go or not considering he and I hadn't talked from Friday night to Monday. When we finally talked on Monday he had told me that when he gets his check that he and I are going to go out this week and that the check should last us the month. I offered to pay for gas and such but he will not take money from me, so going out that night wasn't an option. But he told me to be patient (we were talking about freeway driving, my parents are getting strict all of the sudden and I'm not allowed on the freeway at night, yeah I know I'm 18 and what not, but still…have to follow the rules while under their roof) and that he isn't going anywhere. I have no clue what that meant, so I brushed it off somewhat, and than turned into a girl later on and started to over analyze what meaning I could squeeze from that phrase. (Surprisingly enough I can get many things from that statement.) So we hadn't talked from Monday night until last night, and he only talked to me to see if my brother could play a gig with him, and when I had asked how he was he told me he couldn't talk and got off. And he didn't acknowledge me today while he was on. I sent an email Tuesday night just to see how he was doing and such, and called him yesterday afternoon to say hi and make sure things were going well with all his jobs. He had warned me earlier this month that in December he is extremely busy. I completely understand, but I'm starting to think too much about what is going on and I'm probably thinking all the wrong things. I keep going back to Ally, thinking things like he isn't interested in me anymore; he is all about her now. And that he doesn't have feelings for me what so ever and is trying to get out of what he put himself into. And that he is, in fact extremely busy and isn't meaning to ignore me. If he is busy (most likely the case), despite his being busy why can't he at least pick up the phone or something just to say "hi, I'm still alive, I didn't die on my way to L.A." or ya know, just something so I stop worrying. I have no idea what to think, how to talk to him about it, what to do. I am completely stuck. I do like him. I've thought about the possibility of me just liking the feelings from being cuddled and such and the being with a guy, finally, feeling…but I realized that even before all the contact went on, I felt the feelings, the butterflies, being absolutely comfortable. Walking into Chili's he took his keys and phone out, handed them to me, I took them and stuck them in my bad, I didn't have to ask what he was doing, I just smiled and said "don't like anything in your pockets" and he responded with "don't like anything in my pockets." It was strange. It felt as if we had gone out thousands of times and that we had been together for years. At dinner sitting accross from him I would look at him and daze into his eyes and be in total awe at everything he had to say. I laughed constantly the whole night, he caught me blushing a few times (I never blush), and he would make little comments about guys being stupid for not going out with me and such. Told my mom I was beautiful. So yeah, I have reasons to feel the way I do. My feelings are real. So I guess what I need advice on is how to deal with this, and what to understand. If anyone has ever been in a situation like this, maybe tell me what went on or something Or just comments, I don't know….this isn't fun though. I was happy, yeah I know we only went out like 1 ½ times…but still… I'm sorry this was so long, but I really appreciate anyone who reads this even if no advice is given. Thank you. Just confused, Justagirl

Hey there, Well, as the website states "you are not alone." So know that here you have people to help you and be there when you need someone. Why do you feel like this? Has anything happened recently to make you doubt yourself and peoples acceptance/ acknowledgement of you? If you need anything, I'm a click away. Wishing the best, Justagirl

Hey there, well, when I was a freshmen, my oldest brother (a senior at the time) started dating a girl a month younger than me (freshmen also) and they were together for 3 years, broke up for a few, and have been back together for a while now. They are both in college now. I'm sure my brother felt weird at first about me being a bit older than his girlfriend...but I doubt it lasted long. He was crazy about her, as you, I'm assuming, are with this girl. Don't get embarrassed, people used to tease my brother about it...but it was only because they wished they were in his shoes. It all works out in the end. Just enjoy being with her. I hope this helped in the slightest, Wishing the best Justagirl

Hey there, No you would not be labeled a cradle snatcher...no worries. And it really shouldn't matter what others think, because they are not with her...you are So I say go for it, have fun and dont worry about the age gap...although there will be some differences with you being legal to drink at clubs/bars and such...there are no real big differences...especially since she is legal in your area. Wishing the best, justagirl

Well, they both need to respect the idea that you have a family also, and have dropped your life just to be a part of theirs. My opinion: You and your daughter go to your families. If your hubby and his father disapprove, well poo on them. If they want to be with you on the holidays so bad than they can make a sacrifice for once and go to your families house. I say stand up for what you want to do. If hubby has a problem with it let him know that you miss your family and you think its time that they get a holiday visit as well. Tell him that time should be equally distributed between the in-laws. I hope this helps a tiny bit. Wishing the best, Justagirl

Hey thanks you 2 I'm flattered! Justagirl

Hey everyone, first of all thank you in advance for reading my post. I read through the poems section and was amazed at the talent floating around. It really is amazing how our emotions get words flowing like they do. So, I guess this is just my avenue to release some pent up emotions. Thanks again and feel free to comment, whether positive or negative. *~I wrote this around the beginning of October~* Unexplainable feelings Overcoming my brain Inescapable emotions Driving me insane Irreplaceable years Each taken away Unresolved issues Haunt every day Irresistible calmness Centered in destruction Undeniable attachment Influencing every function Unacknowledged existence Filling my heart Undisputable confusion Brewing the start Unexplainable feelings Driving me insane Inescapable emotions Overcoming my brain ~*~*~ ~*I wrote this in October*~ Some things never change, in my life anyway I go through the seconds it seems like yesterday Repeated and repeated nothing new starting Days turn into years old never parting Loveless life, alone on Friday nights Holding back the tears I hold on to fight Expanding new relationships others I've sewn Never enjoying a relationship of my own. Living everyday as if my life doesn't matter Climbing higher and higher on my lonely ladder Something new occurs making everything so great I get so caught up it's already to late It turns to be not as good as I thought This is my life, oops I forgot Nothing good is really what it seems Maybe this guy is all in my dreams I thought maybe this was my chance Maybe my life wont be empty of romance Things are perfect when the lines are connected These feelings are new, not before collected. Tears welling up, I'm holding them back I'm not good for him, there's something I lack Making me a better person, learning my faults Why when I talk to him my confidence halts Trying to keep my feelings keeping them dim Don't want to make things frustrating for him Thoughts going through my mind, fast pace Can't think of anything concretely, only his face Understanding that maybe things aren't that bad Could I have overreacted, it's making me mad I feel so confused I was comfortable before Keeping things to myself, locking the door Maybe this is what I needed, someone with a key Helping discover why it's been just me Confusion runs wild all through my mind I only want one answer, only one to find I look to a day as one not like the one before Nothing can be repeated, everyday a new door Some things never change, in my life anyway Then I looked back to yesterday… ~*~*~ *~I wrote this for my senior scrapbook for English*~ Everyone says it goes by all too fast, the fun and the parties won't always last. I never could quite understand what they all were saying, I thought it lasted forever, the music wont stop playing. But it's almost ending and has been such a blur, so many things to do, so many things I wish I were. You always expect to be a totally different person when you leave this place, different feelings, different lifestyles, a different face. Some get that wish and embark on a magical trip into their lives forever, some of us didn't get to finish the journey together. My experience was full of memories and tears; I lost many things I had had for years Friends disappeared and many things were lost, but I have learned that it's all worth the cost. The lessons have been taught and the bonds have been broken, now its turn to take what's known and let it be spoken. When we leave what we've known and who've we been around for so long it's hard to go our own ways, but I'll always remember this door is opening to magical days. We will all be together whatever we may be in the memories we've shared and made, the love and friendship from one to another wont ever fade. Everyone always said it goes by real fast, I never understood until I had to look back to the past. ~*~*~ And I am done, 8) Justathought, Justagirl