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solstice48

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Everything posted by solstice48

  1. solstice48
    I can really understand your confusion but it seems you did what you could to get the relationship going in the right direction. Two years is a long time to be carrying on a long distance romance. I think him moving back to Maine would have shown you where things were headed. Maybe there was a commitment problem that wasn't seen. You have every right to feel the hurt as you do, but I think its time to work on letting go. You seem to be a good person for living through all that's happened & I'm sure there's someone out there that will appreciate all that you are! Personally I know how difficult it can be to accept things that don't turn out the way you hoped they would. I'm still working on a bit of that myself. But something good will come into your life I'm sure. Just take it one day at a time. You'll be ok!
  2. solstice48
    I'm here in Phoenix
  3. solstice48
    Sometimes relationships hit a bump in the road & it sounds like your going over one now. I'd say give your relationship the effort it deserves. Let him know the seriousness of the situation & sit down with him & talk. Let him know what you see as troubles within you realtionship and find out what his thoughts are. Maybe some time apart will help clear things up in your mind & his, enough to see where you both want to go in the future. After 5 1/2 yrs I'd say you need to give it your best shot. I Hope this may have helped a little & it works out for you!
  4. solstice48
    I don't know if I'll be much help, but its been 5 months for me & I still feel the aftershocks of my wife leaving after 25 yrs. After doing a lot of reading & seeing what others have gone through it looks like there's not much that can be done. You just have to live through the pain, grief & everything else that comes with the situation we're both in. And sometimes you have to go one day at a time. I bet there's a lot of why questions going on in your mind & those answers your hoping to find may never appear. I know it hurts bad, real bad but there is really nothing you can do except let the time go by that it might ease your pain & let go of the thoughts of her. I Hope your hurt heals & you can move on to the life & relationship you deserve! Take care.
  5. solstice48
    Kim- You situation sounds pretty close to what I went through not long ago. I'm still dealing with the aftershock of it all. My exwife was/is a private person when it comes to sharing her feelings & even though we went to a few counseling sessions they didn't last. I guess its difficult if not impossible for some people to open up & that includes a someone that's willing to help as a trained observer & counselor. Talking to each other is something I wanted in my marriage but didn't find out how important it really was until our relationship was headed south. Its courious but during the ending of my marriage I got the same thing from my ex that said "here we go again" & beating the dead horse to her was our marriage. We all know people change, in my case my ex started a new job which opened her up to new friends & a feeling of independence. I was ok with that, in fact I helped her get the job. But it changed her in a way that I feel moved her away from our relationship. And, I'm sure her new friends had something to do with luring her away. I can tell you it's just not men that are stubborn, once my ex made up her mind there was no changing it, to her everything was black or white no in between shades. Unfortunetly that also applied to working out our differences so our marriage could go on. Don't beat yourself up for making mistakes if you didn't you'd be a perfect person & there's not many of them around. And, I myself have said things I should not have said but there's no taking them back & all you can do is express the sorrow you have for saying them & let your actions show it. But, as in your case my ex doesn't forget & I think forgiving is she doesn't do. I know there are a lot of questions going on in your mind, h*ll I've still got them in mine that will probably never be answered. I really think your husband needs to wake up to the person he has in you & decide what he where he wants to go. Of course your going to have to make some decisions also, but try to give it all you can. They're important decisions that shouldn't be taken lightly & un fortunetly they dont' come easy. Again I hope this helped, & if you feel like talking directly you can just write to me or come on back here. I think it helps to talk.
  6. solstice48
    Speaking from a man's point of view it sounds like you really need to sit down with your husband & talk. Let him know the seriousness of the situation & in an open & honest way explain your feelings to him. I may not be the one to give advice since not long ago my wife walked out of my life after 25 yrs because she wanted to find herself, but I've found that honest communcation in a marriage is important. It was missing in mine please don't let it happen to yours. If it isn't there a lot of misunderstandings & assumtions take place which may lead to someplace niether one of you really want to go. It doesn't work trying to guess what's going on in the other persons mind. Have you considered going to a counselor? This might show your husband that he needs to wake up & be more concerned about what is really going on between the both of you. Maybe you both need some time apart to get your feelings sorted out. I would hope that you both put the effort into resolving your troubles & work towards a better future. Its something I wish my ex would have been able to do. I hope this may have helped a little. Hope your love for each other works out!
  7. solstice48
    By any & all means talk! Communcation is one of the most improtant things in any relationship. My wife left after 25 yrs because she wanted to find herself & it was unknown to me what she wanted or why because she never wanted to talk. So I'd say do what you have to to sit down (or whatever works best) & open up to each other or you'll end up guessing what each other might be thinking. It doesn't work & will lead to a lot of misunderstandings &/or assumtions. If needed you might need a counselor or some other professional to steer you in the right direction, but its something that you need to keep at all through the years.
  8. solstice48
    Actually its turning out to be one of those years. UGH!
  9. solstice48
    Maybe its the same as when women say "I have to find myself". Guess we're all confused.
  10. solstice48
    I'll be sure to say a prayer for you tonight, hope God will be listening & it helps!
  11. solstice48
    Getting married involves changes & it takes awhile to adjust. If it uspests your wife then I'm afraid what she's going to have to deal with in the Marines is really going to be a challege to her. She is going to have to deal with things that are quite different than anything she's known before. If you can talk to each other before she leaves about your troubles & work out a compromise it might help her over the course of her trainning. Having to face what she's going to go through & the troubles your having in your marriage might put her on the edge. Your going to have to think about yourself in all of this also. It's going be a difficult time for you as well, so be prepared for anything. Try to settle as much as you can with your wife before she leaves because you probably won't be able to communcate much with her after she leaves. It will definitely be a challenge for both of you & your marriage.
  12. solstice48
    I agree about giving her space but I think you should also talk to her about her feelings & yours. Keep the communcation open between you. Speaking as a former Marine, she's going to be under a lot of pressure & along with what's going on with your marriage it's going to be real difficult for her & will be needing your support. Of course what your dealing with is difficult as well & might take a lot of courage & strength. It might get worse before it gets better, I hope it works out for you both.
  13. solstice48
    Why would your friend tell you something like that. When ever a friend involves himself in another persons relationship, they are just looking for trouble. You need look at your girlfriend and ask yourself if there's anything different. Does she go out alone with her friends? Work late? Take trips alone, or with friends, but without you? If she doesn't and if she is home a lot & says she's not cheating on you, I would tell your friend to butt out of the realtionship. Tell him you appreciate him being concerned and also say that you will pay more attention to what she does. Maybe your friend wants her for himself.
  14. solstice48
    I think both of you definitely need to talk about what's going on. Take it from one who knows, it can really turn out to be a big issue down the road if you don't clear it up now. Different sex drives are not unusual & there may have to be some compromises made but don't let things go until its too late. If both of you are honest in what your feelings are & see the value of working out a solution you'll be much better off than thinking things will work out by themselves. Don't put it off, talk!
  15. solstice48
    I know your going through so much intense pain & I'm sorry you have to go through it. I know it feels like it will never end & rips at your heart each moment of each day. My wife left me back in November because she had to find herself & didn't love me anymore. Its a real tough road your on & unfortunetly there's nothing you can do about her decision to leave. If she's involved with someone else so soon there may have been more going on than you were aware of. You'll never figure out what's going on in her mind & she's probably not going to tell you. Even though I have 2 older sons & didn't have to worry about them in the finial court decision I know what happened troubles them. So, I can just imagine the anguish your children are going through with all that's happening in their life & yours. It's so difficult to be strong at a time like this but for their sake you have to do the best you can. Time will help with all that's happened but it comes very slowly & I'm sure you know there will be times where you'll just fall apart. Its something we all have to go through. I think once your able to get the legal part of all this behind you you'll be able to concentrate more on healing yourself. I know your probably dying inside but try to focus on your children & do the best you can, that's all anyone can ask. There's nothing you can change about all that's happened & you can only pray that what's ahead will turn out the way you wish it would. I pray that it does also. Take care of yourself & remember your a good person for feeling as strong as you do for your ex. It shows the depth of your love. It may not be much help but if she left she was the failure in your relationship not you. I really hope it all works out for you & your children!
  16. solstice48
    I know what your going through is one of the most difficult times in your life. The same thing happened to me & after 5 months & the finial divorce it still hurts. I do think that not seeing your ex or contacting her is the best thing to do. Seeing her is like putting a glass of water in front of a man that's dying of thirst & telling him he can't drink. I'd really like to tell you there's an easier way to work through this but I've found that there isn't. The anguish you're feeling is going to be around for awhile & its something your going to have to accept as part of the healing process. Try to make yourself accept the fact that she's not going to come back. Its a reality that your going to have to face & if it turns out differently then your a lucky man. Your not going to change her mind, if she does it will be from within herself. I know so much is going through your mind it seems impossible that you'll ever figure anything out about what happened or why. Unfortunely it an impossibilty your going to have to live with, you'll probably never find all of the answers your looking for. Live one day at a time & know that each day will bring you closer to where you want to be. Its not much but sometimes its all you'll have. Believe in yourself & the person you are. You will make through this!
  17. solstice48
    I know exactly what your going through. I got the same "I need to find myself" from my wife after 25 yrs. Like you & a lot of others I didn't make any contact & got none in return. I broke down & wrote a letter or two to her & got no reply. Time went by & I sent an email or two, no reply, not a word. Well she wanted a divorce & here I am today 5 months after all this started & still wondering how she got lost & why she couldn't talk to me about her feelings so we could work within our marriage to find what she was looking for. It seems to me a lot of women are going their own way & may not be considering what us men are going through as a result. In all of this us men end up looking for & at ourselves as well. The rejection your feeling is normal & what she's going through may not have anything to do with you at all. I know that's hard to believe but people change & sometimes it seems what they are looking for in life changes also. And sadly as in my case we end up not being part of what they are now wanting in their lives. I don't know how many women go out looking to find themselves & discover what they had was part of what they were really looking for. I'd like to believe that does happen & I hope it does with you. In the mean time take care of yourself & try to keep your mind busy with other things. Be strong & know you'll be ok no matter what!
  18. solstice48
    So what's being said, is that women change in the course of a relationship? I'm sure this can be said about men as well but doesn't the commitment a person makes account for something? People do change over time but to say you have to leave to discover what that change is seems wrong to me. If two people care about each other & are willing to work on helping each other find what they feel is missing in their lives & their relationship it should not bring about the end of their life together. Its seems real easy to just say "I have to find myself" to explain why a person feels the way they do & then leave without making some kind of effort to keep things together. Also, if a person doesn't feel appreciated in the ways mentioned, is leaving going to change that? Unless its feeling appreciated by someone else that will make a difference. I'd like to hear more about all this because its something that I've had to deal with, so any help will be appreciated.
  19. solstice48
    I have to agree with you about women leaving relationships to "find themselves". Are they unable to do this within a loving relationship? As what was also said some women seem to feel that they missed out on something in their earlier lives, its just sad that a lot of them discover this after they've made a commitment & the years go by before they decide to leave. Also leaving a commitment you've made says something about the person that made it & also about how easy it is now adays to just dispose of your marriage. And I for one know the devastation that brings into the life of the other person & the family. After 25 yrs together my wife said those same words & I can't begin to tell you how my life changed. I've been on here for awhile & I have seen this happen to at least 3 other men in the past week. I suppose the question to ask now before you think about getting involved with a woman is "have you found yourself", because I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone.
  20. solstice48
    It must be an epidemic out there because along with myself I've seen so many relationships fall apart because women want to find themselves. How did they get lost & why can't they find what they're looking for by working within a loving relationship? Out of the blue my wife (now ex) does the same 180, says she doesn't love me & wants to find herself after being together 25 yrs. I would have gladly helped her look & probably found something of myself & what was missing in our relationship as well. I know it was real difficult for me to not have any contact but I think it helps quite a lot. It seemed to me my ex didn't have any trouble at all staying away from me in all ways. You've probably told her the way you feel in all this but I think there's a few reasons you might consider before you think about contacting her. As a lot of us do you might go weak & start pleading/begging her to come back & that is going to lower you self esteem & you'll end up feeling real bad afterwards. Another point is that the more you push your ex the greater the distance is going to be between you & her, so if there's any chance she's even considering getting back together it won't help by your contacting her. In my case, my ex pretty much saw everything in black or white, once her decision was made there was no consideration of anything else. As she said whats done is done. I know what your going through hurts so much its as you said you feel like you'll explode. But try to be strong & think twice before you make any decision to contact her & how your going to feel if you get back what you probably know you will. Good luck & know that no matter how you feel now you'll be ok!
  21. solstice48
    Thanks for your reply, I have been writting down my thoughts & it does help somewhat. I think I'm at a point where any hope I had of us getting back together is finially fading away. I guess its time to let her go to find her own life & move on with mine. Its been a tough journey that still has a ways to go. As its been said the attachment you feel being with someone for so long is something you rely on & trust. When that's taken away your world changes & you start to question a lot of things. And, all the why's & what if's keep your mind busy for quite some time. I think I may be getting past that a little also. I know though things like how her love for me could just end & how could anyone just let go of sharing 25 yrs together so easily will never be answered. When I think about it I get the same anwers to my questions that I got from her, none. Anyway I do appreciate your thoughts & I'll be looking for those doors. Thanks again!
  22. solstice48
    I know the shock your going through & how your life has seemed to change in a flash. I'm going through a situation like yours. Just before our 25th anniv. my wife said the same thing, I don't love you anymore & I want to go on my own. Here it is 5 months later, our house is sold, our two sons had to move out, our future retirement home in Oregon is being sold & the divorce was final 3 weeks ago. What can you do when that special someone in you life says "I don't love you"? How do you reason with that? Its impossible to understand how someone you've shared your life with can all of a sudden say somethng that devastating. I don't know that your going to be able to do anything that will change her decision to leave, especially if she has it set in her mind about what she wants. My wifes attitude has always been that way & she's always seen things as black or white & no room for discussion or compromise once she's made up her mind. My wife also was not one to convey her thoughts to me before or anytime after about any of her feelings, so I'm left to guess about a lot of things that have happened. I've spent plenty of time going over everything in my mind & still there are questions I know will never be answered. I think what's important now is taking care of your children & yourself. I know its going to be rough but your going to have think of them & try not to plan too far ahead. Remember there's only so much you can do & I'm sure you've done your best. There are things that are beyond our control & accepting that is going to be a difficult task. If you think you might like to talk more don't hesitate to post me directly or come back to here. It helped me & I hope it will help you.
  23. solstice48
    I have to agree with you about being with someone longer makes it more difficult to get over them. And, about them being able to make a 180 shift. Just before our 25th anniv in Nov. My wife says she wants to find herself, doesn't love me & wants to be on her own. She didn't have any problem with no cantact at all & here it is 5 months later our house is sold, our 2 sons had to find a place of their own & the house we had planned to retire to in about 5 yrs is on the market. The divorce was finial about 3 weeks ago, talk about a 180 & life changes happening fast I still have days wondering who I am. I think a lot men have a problem with guilt, I felt like you, I was dumped & went through the guilt stage also. I also believe that women do have an easier time of letting go. I guess its one of those mysteries but in my case she always saw things as black or white, no shades of gray. When she made a decision that was it no turning back. One thing you might find in all this is getting the chance to look over your relationship & see what was missing & to look at yourself, really look & try to see who you are inside. Its tough to move on & your probaly going to go through a lot more of uncharted emotions before you begin to see things more clearly. And, try as you might there's no way your going to change her decision, your brain will eventually have to overule your heart so you can move on & that takes time. Its also going to be tough to think just of yourself now but that's what you have to do. You have to believe you'll be ok no matter what & even though your life has changed it can be better.
  24. solstice48
    Yes along with loosing someone I cared for for 25yrs I lost our home, my two sons had to move out & the 2nd home we had for retirement in Oregon is being sold also. In just the last 4 months my world went down the tubes & I find myself divorced. It happened real fast, seems that's the way she wanted it. Its amazing that your hopes & dreams can vanish so quickly. Your world is turned upside down & nothing seems the same. Everyone is different so I can't say how long it will take to get your self esteem back, I'm still working on mine. I've thought about dating & I'd like to do that but only in a casual way. I think I'd find it difficult to deal with any kind of rejection right now & I wouldn't want to get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. I think it might be a wise idea to feel the pain & work through the grief your feeling now so that you can close that door before you open one up for the next relationship in your life. I've found my emotions changed everyday for quite sometime & letting go of that hope you have of getting back together will be tough to work through & along with the possibility of that you might find yourself with a bunch of new questions. Like if you got back together how would you feel knowing it could happen again & you'd be back where you are now. There sure is a lot for your mind to dwell on during this time & its a tough road. Just try to deal with it a little at a time & know you'll be ok!
  25. solstice48
    My heart goes out to you, what your going through is one of the most difficult things you'll have to live through in your life. Back in November my wife left me after 25 yrs saying the same thing, wanting to find herself & she cared for me but didn't love me. Like you I wondered how anyone can change so quickly & leave behind so many years of sharing & future dreams. Its like they flipped a switch & changed over night from the person you thought you knew. Right now your in the early part of all this & believe me I know how tough it is to not contact her in any way. Believe me that's the best way for you. Its going to take a lot of strength & courage on your part to do this & as your finding out there's going to be times that you'll take a few steps back before moving forward. You have to remember that it was her decision to leave & nothing you could say or do is going to change that. Any hope of her coming back will only happen within her & you have to let here find out if that's what she wants. There is nothing you can do except show her the strong person you can be & that you can survive without her. That's going to be a real difficult thing to do I know & you should prepare yourself for the worse. Try to talk to someone that will just listen to what your feeling. It may not help you but I found putting down what I feel in a journal helps. I thought it was a bunch of BS but I tried it & it did help. Time will help you through this & I know it goes real slow at first but it will get better. It will be a time that you can look at yourself & your relationship to see what if anything was not there. I also know your self confidence is in the gutter but you are a person with many good qualities & if you really look inside yourself you'll see them. I hope this helps some & please come back on here if you need more help. Good luck, stay strong you can do it!
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