solstice48

Sounds like you have a few tough decisions to make & your the only one that can make them. If you feel that you can talk to her & explain your feelings without breaking down into a bucket of tears pleading for her return then do it. Just make sure you've got your ducks in a row about what you want to say before you talk. Then give her space & time. This will be another tough part, waiting for her to make her decision about where you fit into her life. You'll probably do yourself a favor by planning for the worse. Go out with friends or do something to get your thoughts away from her for awhile. If she feels the same love that you do she'll be back. The other problem you have about having slept with another is a real tough one & its something you are going to have to deal with as soon as possible if she comes back into your life. Its something your going to have to accept & let go but I would definitely keep talking it over with her so she understands what your feeling. Good luck & I hope she finds her way back to you! Stay strong!

It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of how you got to where you are & I'm sure next time you'll think about how you should treat the woman you love. I think the best thing for you to do now is what she's asking, give her some space. It's going to be real tough to do that but the harder you push the more she'll pull back. As long as she knows how you feel there really isn't much you can do, its her decision. Your going to go through some rough times especially if she doesn't want to get back together. Another problem is this other guy, & like you said you can't blame him for feeling for her as you do. But, at this point she may be comparing the two of you so try to think of how she'll be seeing you now. I'm afraid it doesn't sound too promising so prepare your self for the worse. This could be a wake up call for you to start looking at yourself. Best of luck & hopefully things will go your way.

Don't beat yourself up a lot of us did what you did. You should not feel ashamed. It took courage to do what you did & they said what you were feeling what's wrong with that. Try to do your best to forget them & prove to yourself your better now than when you wrote. I think if you look at how your feeling you'll see that you actually are.

I am really sorry for what your going through. It may not help much but your not alone in what your experiencing. Its been 4 months since my ex walked away with no more reason than she wanted to find herself. I have had dreams also, so real I could almost feel her beside me. And the worst part is waking up & having that thought with you all day long. What we're going through is a real tough time & I wish for both of us that there was some way to stop those dreams. But there is no way we can control what our minds play out while we're asleep. It may be wishful thoughts from our heart that only time will help. How much time, I think everyone is different because no two people are the same. But know that its all part of the healing process that has to happen for you to come through this. Try to remember that it is not unusual to be going through this & what is happening is the normal process for you to come out of it all a better person. Let your feelings flow & you'll make it through this! We all will.

You must be a strong person to have gone through so much pain & still feel the way you do. I'm sure its been a tough road for you! I'm going through some rough times myself. Married for 25 yrs & the wife says she wants to find herself. Well that was about 3 months ago & I'm still dealing with it. Your situation seems to be dragging out & its probably not doing you any good. You need to start thinking about yourself & what you really want. It seems your wife realizes this & is telling you that you need to move on for your own good. If you were to get back together how would you feel? You know things would not be as they once were & that your relationship would be somewhat tarnished. It takes a strong commitment from 2 people to make any kind of reconcilation work. Try to get outside of all your going through & take a good look at the whole picture. Good luck & I hope you find your answer.

I can really understand what your feeling. I've been going through a similair situation myself. I believe that if a person truly loves you they would want to be with you regardless of how they've seen you. The way you've been has shown the depth of your feelings towards that person. However there has to be a decision made by you as to where to draw the line. For your own good & for the possibility of letting her think about what she really wants in her life. Hopfully it will be you. But you'll probably want to consider your life without her. I can tell you accepting this & moving on is tough. Just remember to think about yourself & what you want & how things would really be if you did get back together. Best of luck, I hope it works out for you!

Thanks M for the article. I also feel that there are shades of gray in what was said. Parts of the article do have some merit especially before the realtionship starts & it comes down to what each person is looking for in the other. As we all know things change once your in a relationship for any length of time. You always hear that women want men to open up but once you do is that taken as a sign of insecurity? Then there's always the influence that one person has on the other over time. I'm finially understanding how complicated relationships are & that they do need continous care. I'm also seeing that realtionships offer growth in many ways. Trusting someone within a relationship allows you to be yourself so I can understand what was said about having yourself together before you get into one. And, roles can change (along with people) over time in a relationship. What was said about realtionships being dynamic, always changing is true. I maybe wrong but I see the article saying "be as sure as you can of who you are & who you want before you get serious". But as we all no there are no guarantees in life. Just a small bit of input from me. Thanks again MJ!

I appreciate your advice & I am seeing a counselor. It helps sometimes to get on here & see what the views are of other people. Since my wife left back in November, deciding she just didn't want to be married I've gone through emotions I never thought I would. Right now I'm dealing with hope & trying to accept the fact that there is none. But I get side tracked into thinking about the past, what was & what could have been. Guess that's one of the 2 steps back we all go through. As I said it usually starts when I think of the good times we had which I probaly should not be doing at this time. I do thank everyone for their advice. It helps to know there are a lot of others out there going through this heartbreak as well, and people willing to help. Thanks!

I've read where in order to move forward it helps to look back at all the good memories (& in my 25yr one ther was a lot) you had in your relationship. I've tried to do this but find my mind wanders into thinking of what could have been had our realationship continued. It brings sadness at what was once there & is now gone & will never be. Is my thinking all wrong in this or is this the "normal" thinking that the brain does after the heartbreak? I'm not saying there were no bad times but if it seems the good out number the bad it makes thinking this way a lot harder. Is this kind of thinking supposed to happen later when you've got a better grip on things?

I think its hope that drives us to act this way. Hope of getting back what we lost at just about any cost. Even though your mind says "what are you doing" the heart says go for it what have you got to loose. Well I think there are some things we might loose by pleading, calling, etc that we do. Among other things self respect. Although 98% of the time none of us will ever get back what was, we hold on to that wee little glimmer of hope that drives us crazy. I'm finding that it takes a lot of courage to go what we're going through & I'm starting to really believe that I'll turn out a better person than she will for going through all this. You have to believe that also. It's a tough road but we will make it and the best thing of all (even though you may not realize it) you'll be a different person, a much better person for the true love that's yours, just around the corner. I hope time will soften the pain I know you have. If you haven't read the post Everyone who has relationship problems shoud read this, you should. It might light up something in you.

Does the time come when the brain over rules the heart & makes it look at a relationship objectively & instead of always looking over the best parts looks at the shortcomings as well? Does it finially tell the heart that its pointless to keep any kind of hope alive that anything can be saved? If so the heart must be a stong character or the mind to eventually win out. I think my mind looks back & can see toubles in my relationship but my heart says there was nothing there that could not be repaired. Then the mind slips in & says yeah but it takes the commitment & desire of two people to make the changes to get it to work. With all the hurt, grief & sorrow theres's confusion as well. What next? AAARGH!

I can understand & appreciate everything thats been previously said. But I'm wondering if there's two opposing items here. The heart wanting what's missing along with all the other things mentioned and the brain letting you know about reality. Is there a time when the brain finially gets the upper hand & the heart accepts? Is this part of the healing process?

I'm not far from where you are. After 25 yrs my wife decided she didn't want to be married & wanted to find herself. It's tough to fumble through all the emotions I know your feeling. Somehow you've got to tell yourself it will get better. After the initial shock your emotions will level out somewhat and you can start thinking clearer. During this time you've got to take care of yourself. Its going to be real tough to face up to reality and even tougher to put the thoughts of her behind you. I'm still working down that road. I've found that doing what you can to not have any contact or conversation with your ex helps. Slowly, very slowy time will also help. I'm finding it all comes in small steps. If you can talk to your family or friends that will listen, it also helps to talk about it sometimes. I really understand what your going through & its a rough road, but its one we didn't have a choice in taking. I hope it gets better for you soon!

Why do we want them back. After all the heartbreak & all the grief why is it so difficult to let go of the hope you have of them returning. We certainly must know our relationship will not be the same and how hard will it be to live with the knowledge that if they left once what would stop them again. Then the heartbreak starts again. It seems to me that most of the people that get left behind are the ones who put the most into trying to find out why the relationship went south. So are not these the better people who look inside themselves & if they find shortcomings are willing to change for the better? Why do we want to go back to someone who has hurt us (probably more than once) by taking their love away?

Since the break up of our marriage I've discovered that the few friends we had are gone. Just before my wife decided she didn't want to be married any longer she started a new job which involved more people than the old one and she said she now had "new friends" (male & female) in which I was never invited to join in. Now I find myself just about friendless & dealing with the sad fact that the only real constant friend (in our 25 yrs. together) was her & now she's gone. She said she wanted to be off by herself but is not really because she is now sharing a house with one of her new woman friends (who is divorced & I believe influenced her decission to leave, along with newfound attention from the men she now has contact with) while I share an apartment with myself. Most of the people at my work are maried so finding friends to spend time with is just about impossible. How do you deal with the loneliness and the thoughts of knowing she is able to fill her time with these "new friends " while I struggle to get through the week end. It's one of the tough challenges I've found now that our marriage has ended.

I really appreciate hearing some thoughts on all this. Our house has already been sold & we are all moved out. My decision has been not to talk or see her for my own good. She wanted to get all of this over with as soon as possible, so the finial divorce will be here at anytime now. Yes I have thought about the possibity (but not a strong one) of her having an affair & to be honest, she did have one about 11 yrs ago. Then too the floor dropped out from me. It took time to work through all of that but I think we never really talked about what caused it. Guess we should have. It seems to me I was too busy trying to smooth everything out & get over it. I don't really feel she did much in the way of explaining it all or really regreted that much that it happened. Our kids were younger then & maybe she stayed because of them. I'll never really know. She did recently change jobs (we both work for the same company) & she went from a position of working nights & not really having that many people around to an outside position where she has more contact with people on her crew & contruction people. She's lost some weight (she was never overweight) & started spending more time at work with her new friends and a new female friend whose divorced. I do believe this woman has had some influence on her, especially since I believe my ex has moved in with her because she didn't want to move into an apartment because she took our 2 dogs with her as well. Thing is she wanted to be by herself but really isn't. I am & it's really difficult after being together as a family all that time. What also puzzles me before this happened I wanted us to get closer & told her we should see a counslor. We did once or twice together then we had a talk & she decided to move out to "find herself". She saw the counslor again while she was gone then told me she wanted the divorce. I guess I'll never figure out why this happened, even though I've tried countless times. I guess it may have been a number of things. Boredom, seeing her freedom, falling out of love with me, not wanting the responsibilty anymore, etc. I just find it difficult to accept a person leaving after 25 yrs. & all we had without wanting to try to work out out any troubles. I have gone through al the scenerios & the "why's, what if's, if I only's" etc. & it drives me up a wall. I'm not looking for any simpathy but some answers that I probably will not find. I'm dealing with alot of emotions & doubts about many things. It makes it tough sometimes to get through the day.

I've been reading quite a number of posts & have finially decided to place my own. Unlike alot of what I see, my realtionship with my soon to be ex-wife had almost lasted 25 yrs. Just before our anniv. (Nov.) she decided she didn't want to be married, didn't love me & wanted a divorce. She wants to be on her own & states she's thinking only of herself now. It was good timing with the holidays & all. Thanksgiving was nothing, Christmas was not celebrated & she tells me she's going out for New Years. Our home was sold, our 2 sons (19 & 22) had to move out & I also was forced to find an apartment for myself. During this time my father was diagnosed with cancer in which his voice box would have to be removed. He lives in another house we have in Oregon & now he would have to find someplace else to live because that house would be sold. My mother had just had a pace maker placed & was having complications with that. All this in a matter of 3 months. Needless to say my life has been shattered. It has been one of the most difficult times in my life! My wife (?) seems to think this doesn't bother my sons, but I can see she's wrong. I believe time will help through all this & reading all that I can about divorce, grief & breaking up has helped me see what I'm going through. I've accepted (I think I have) that it is all over & yet I still wake up & think of her & our time together. During the day the same thoughts sit in the back of my mind. My world is not the same & I've lost the direction in my life. I never would have thought that one person could cause this much grief in another & people who say that men do not go through the pain as women do are way wrong. So how do you find yourself through all this? The pain goes on & the loneliness lingers. The family, home, hopes & dreams that once were there are gone. The only thing left is the void where your heart used to be!