fnlyfrei
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Everything posted by fnlyfrei
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And actually...I did not even want to meet him at first because his profile on the dating site plainly stated that he was very into physical good looks...and his picture...I guess I have a reverse sort of predjudice...against really, really good looking people. But when we did meet I saw more. And gosh, he isn't perfect, everyone has something...he is short. I have never dated anyone under 5'11' and he is 5'5". And he isn't very well off...and not career driven and ambitious....he is other things. I figure that with the right person many things are not so important...it's whats inside that counts. No, I won't drive myself crazy to please anyone. I guess he will have to accept me for me or move along...because I have accepted him as a whole for the person he is.
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Actually, the person I dated before him weighed 290 pounds...and I cared about him deeply...he was intelligent, handsome...and yeah...heavy. He had some issues with self confidence when it came to his body and I fully understood and empathized with him. The relationship did not end because of his size. I really care more about what's in a persons heart and soul. Someone who is totally attractive on the outside can be so creepy inside that they no longer even look nice on the outside. Just like when you meet someone who is very average looking...but when you get to know them and love them..they look like Brad Pitt all of the sudden....
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Shes2smart, you're the bomb ! I only wonder how many women are out there for a guy who wants a perfectly secure woman who would walk around the house naked under fluorescent lights with no make up? I would like to meet one, perhaps she could teach us how to feel that way about ourselves as well. : )
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It has only been three months...and perhaps he brings all of his new girlfriends home to his mum...not sure, haven't asked. If so, I guess it's no biggie. Things are moving along quite quickly though....and getting to really know someone takes time.
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Well, Daywalker...I see that insecurity is one of your "deal breakers"...and sure, many of us women struggle with it. I base the beginnings of that problem for me were BECAUSE of men. Funny how that works. Yes, I am all for feeling good about myself and empowerment. And never letting anyone else define me. And men have insecurities too....watch and see when I do get into that victoria's secret string bikini and go to the beach with him....hah !
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Gosh...if you read MY post..you will see that the reason women are for the most part unhappy with themselves is because some other people have commented or insulted them in the past. Look at society too...plastic surgery, crash diets, pills... Yes, being happy with the way you are, where you are at that point in time is attractive. Insecurity is never attractive. No matter how freaking gorgeous you are. My boyfriend looked at recent picture of his....he is very handsome btw...and stated that he needed the circles under his eyes airbrushed out. Sheesh. We do not stay young forever. We can only take care of what we have within reason. Tell her she isnt allowed to speak despairgingly of herself. If you compliment her she needs to just say "thanks". Or you could mirror her behavior and maybe she might see how silly she acts....
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Yes...I met his Mother after we started dating. He is very close to his mom...and yes, I realize that it was a big thing. I have dated people who never even introduced me to their families...(meaning they did not consider me for the long term) His mother likes me. He is otherwise a very sweet person...I just do not know if I want to end up married (again) to someone who watches what I eat and asks when I am going to the gym. I would never tell anyone else what to do...or try to control their eating habits, etc... I have achieved near body-builder shape with the washboard abs in the past...I know I can do it again...but when I do...it HAS to be for ME.
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Right. That is why I will work out and lose weight for ME...and because I have so much on my plate. not alot of time.....I guess I won't be seeing HIM as much. Shucks. It's crappy to be that way, but that's how I feel. I just do not need that garbage from someone I love. Conditional love. I am not ugly or obese. Being with him just makes me feel I need to measure up. And could I ever anyway???
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I am dating "Shallow Hal"...someone who has more pictures of himself than anyone else and is VERY into physical appearances. There have been many comments and instances where I have done a doubletake..mentally, because of his comments..hmmm... Although he assures me that although he is shallow...I meet up to his "standards"...and I shouldn't worry. Yesterday I was going to go to the gym...I invited him to go along...but schedules did not work out, I joked over the phone that I should get back into my workout routine so that I would not be all fat..wanted to look good for him...he replies with relief..."THANK YOU!" (It was timed well enough for me to realize that he meant...yeah, you are fat and for me to be happy...get to the gym) I did not know what to say in return...I was crushed...I excused myself and hung up. Then I texted him that I would not be able to see him that evening...I had to get to the gym. He called me back immediately and said that he did not mean it that way...that I misinterpreted or twisted it. Mind you now.....he has told me on MANY occasions that he will not date anyone who is not thin. His mother and I have even talked about his complete pickiness when it comes to physical things. So I know he meant it. I guess my first reaction is to go on a diet, work out...and not see him so much. I guess I never dated someone so attractive...maybe that is why... If someone doesnt love you for who you are, and is so fixated on appearances...do they really love YOU? Sometimes I wonder if anyone like him got into a car accident and mangled their face if they would be able to carry on....I am really re-thinking this relationship.
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Yep...weight training will sculpt and tone you along with the cardio and the clean diet....it is a combination of things. You can do it !
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Well, I do not mind for the most part that he is around so much...as long as I can keep doing the things I should be doing....which I confess... I haven't been doing so much because I do not want to miss a minute of time with him...(I know, he and I are both sickening right now...very mushy stuff) But after a few relationships where I was completely taken for granted and sometimes just plain ignored...I feel wonderful that someone wants to be around me. I guess I need to balance out my own priorites...and not lose myself in this relationship. That's what I am afraid of...putting myself as a person last..sacraficing that for couplehood. I think I could have both if I could put away the insecurities !!!!
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Yes, it's me again...in a new relationship (still) and I love to be with him...but how much is too much time spent together? We see each other almost every day....which in a way I like...but at the same time, it is pretty early in the relationship for this. I could see it if we were engaged or something..but we have only known each other for like, maybe almost 12 weeks. Things are great but going very fast...does that happen sometimes? Is there a certain time line for healthy relationships? ~And if things move too fast too soon, could that be an indication of trouble in the future?
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My ex is a christian too...and really used it as a sword at first...god was on his side when we broke up for sure. I guess he hoped lightning would strike me for not loving him.... Gosh...I guess I thought the Christian way of thinking was the way of love and forgiveness.... I do not think that drum4god is bragging about how great he is...and I do not feel that he is using his faith inappropriately here...he is just stating the facts. The other day I was talking to an ex bf who was trying to put me down in some subtle ways during a conversation...I told him that no one...and nothing would get me down because I AM AWESOME ! He sneered at me. I don't care. It's okay to reassure yourself. Especially when it seems someone is trying to tell you otherwise.
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Yeah...so stop giving her warmth for free !!!! Maybe when she wakes up one day and it's cold...and you are not there providing free heat....she will realize that she is missing something good.... You deserve to receive those things which you give in return....and you know it ! If not from her....there will be someone who you will fall head over heels for, and she for you. I know this because...I had a horrible few years..with relationships that sent me into a spiral of depression and really made me question what was wrong with ME.... The key was I found someone who honestly loves me in kind. Who does not play on my insecurites...some people think if you love them that they have some kind of power over you. Only if you let them. In real love, the only kind of power that works is our power to lift someone up and just love them unconditionally. That's the good stuff.
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Hi all....I am in a new relationship....it is going very well...met him on a dating site and found out we grew up about 30 minutes away from each other in Minnesota...and we both live in Colorado now. (Small world eh?) And I never knew that dating someone who grew up in the area where you did could make such a difference. We have many of the same ways of thinking, values...etc...He is wonderful and we are totally infatuated with each other. I am a pretty demonstrative and affectionate person...and although he claims he loves it and can't get enough phone calls, little notes, emails, cards...etc...I have noticed lately that I was doing most of the "work" and starting to feel a bit taken for granted. So I stopped. No emails...I stopped calling him at the usual time...I even left my cell phone at home "by accident" so I would miss his calls during the day. I just backed the heck off. The result? When he couldn't reach me on my cell he called my extension at my office...with a worried tone, asked if every thing was okay.....I cheerfully told him..."oops" forgot my cell...he asked worriedly how my day was going ...I brightly said it was terrific...and left out the drippy affectionate talk that has he has become used to as of late... He made an extra effort to spend time with me that evening...(practically begged me to let him come over) and was ten times as affectionate, sweet and attentive than he has been in a few weeks....WHY??? Because I got off the floor and stopped acting like a love-soaked RUG!!! Perhaps he realizes that although I ADORE HIM....my life doesnt revolve around him. (I have lost boyfriends before because of my overly-arduous behavior) I have never been secure enough to release my white-knucked grasp before...to be able to let go enough to let someone come to ME !!! It works. (Okay- don't overdo it, that's MEAN) But I never believed the high school/ grade school game of "If you like someone....IGNORE THEM..." Go figure...
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Still...telling someone that they need to do a certain thing FOR YOU in order for you to accept them fully is crappy. I suppose you are perfect. If you can't love someone just the way they are ...you never really loved them in the true sense of the word. She needs to do things FOR HERSELF such as weight loss...not for YOU. !!!!!!!
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Here's what I would do...eat healthy, excersize, lose weight...get a makeover so you feel terrific about yourself...buy some sexy and attractive new clothes...(or have HIM buy them for you...) then DUMP HIM ! (Yeah, I am mean, mean, mean...) Ask yourself...would you ever ask this of another human being..??? And what gives him the right to do this to you??? Surely it isnt loving. It's creepy.
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Remember Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline? He had a toddler and a pregnant girlfriend when started seeing Ms. Spears....see how well that turned out? I think we let our hormones cloud our judgement...wish they would make a pill to clear that up...(not just you...all of us at one point are BLINDED by infatuation...and hormones...and good sex) When that is over...when the fog clears...you will see what a creep he is.
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My boyfriend is minnimizing his 'indiscretions'....
fnlyfrei replied to proudtabby's topic in Infidelity
You are in your mid-forties...and so is he. Things will NOT get better. I think when we all ask these questions we know the answer already. You deserve to be happy. Is all this garbage making you feel happy? I have had relationships where there are "good parts" to the person...of course. We all have those. But there are deal breakers. This stuff for me would be a definite deal breaker. You are all he should need. Leave a footprint on his backside as he exits the door. -
Wow. I think the word you used earlier "cheated" wasn't right on the money...more like BETRAYAL....big word...and a big thing that you could keep stored in the back of your heart forever if not dealt with. If you do get married...every time you have an argument...the betrayals will come back to haunt you, and they stack up over time if shelved. Do not marry him until everything is dealt with. Yes...when you marry someone...you also become a part of their family..and you do not want to be treated like a red-headed step child for years and years. I speak from experience. You deserve to be accepted and loved...and a part of a family. This needs to be resolved before you just go ahead and marry and have babies....I am sure you wouldn't want your children to have grandparents who treated their mother with open distain....when red flags go up with your fiance'...heed them. I ignored many but thought I was being overly sensitive. They are real. Think of your future happiness..not just how you feel at the moment.
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Hmm...I have also been seeing someone for only a few months now. We both have friends...exes we still talk to ...things from our pasts still hanging on the walls so to speak. You cannot just purge every token and experience from someones life...although I understand how you feel...its just insecurity on your part. So what if the person has an object someone gave them. No biggie... she chose to be with YOU now...after more time has passed, and things are working out...I am sure some things will go into storage. We all just have to be patient. I am sure you must have some things that you keep, for the sake of memories, that were there before she came along...would you want her getting upset over them? I really think that as time goes on and a relationship gets stronger...those trinkets lose their importance anyway..and are replaced with memories and items you both share. Chin up !
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I have been dating someone exclusively that I met at the end of September. We hit it off right away and are very comfortable with each other...I am crazy about him. He has been divorced for a very long time, and I have been divorced for a few years now. He has a teenage daughter that lives out of state and I have three teenage sons who live with me. Yesterday he wanted my sons to go to his mum's house to have dinner and watch a movie with us..two of them had prior plans and one simply chose not to go. (They know him...or are getting to know him, and like him so far..) His feelings were a little bit hurt that I did not MAKE them come. I explained to him that since we have only been dating not even three full months yet..that I did not feel my sons should be obligated to attend...(we love each other,...but there are no solid plans for the future yet) Am I too pessimistic and protective? Or am I right to not make huge assumptions so early? Since I started dating it has been my theory that when I meet the right person it will just fit,...things will take off like a kite...so far that has been the case. Am I being pessimistic or just logical?
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Hmmm...I guess if the situation were reversed, the guy would come off as seeming somewhat base and crude...and it stinks that there are double standards...we women are not used to that kind of rejection...even if it is equal and fair. I think she was just very embarrassed. It's expected of men to be aggressive and want sex, but if we do the same thing and are pushed away...gee, we feel like big, stupid, ugly idiots. I guess we need to work on the fact that men can say "no" too....I guess that is what you are working with. She isn't crazy, she just likes you alot and is embarrassed...I think.
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When you first say "I love you" and she doesn't say it back
fnlyfrei replied to Grokker's topic in Relationship Advice
Yeah Beec, I suppose I said the same thing you did, just worded a little wordier. It is good to know that guys feel some of the same stuff and make the same "mistakes"...I guess we aren't all that different in some respects. Gives me hope. : ) -
When you first say "I love you" and she doesn't say it back
fnlyfrei replied to Grokker's topic in Relationship Advice
I just acted normal. I did not stop calling him or cancel dates. I just pretended that I never said anything...I really wanted to crawl under a rock in actuality...but I resisted. Now I am working on not being the first one who calls every day. It is difficult. Last night I even managed to not answer the phone and waited an hour to call him back instead of jumping on the phone the minute it rang. It's hard to contain myself when I am so smitten...but you have to...otherwise the other person has no challenge at all. I have decided that if it turns out he doesn't call me, or doesn't initiate a conversation or a date...no biggie. I have a life too...and if things do not work out (which I completely hope they do..) life goes on, and it wasn't meant to be. My best friend chases men away in nanoseconds by calling and texting them incessantly. And if she is any kind of example...holy cow..I am not repeating her mistakes !!! Anyway, I digress...just be who you were before you said the magic words. And I think you are brave for saying them. Don't let it drive you mad thinking about it. If you love her you love her. Love isn't a bad thing.