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Cardinal

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Everything posted by Cardinal

  1. Cardinal
    No, your presentation is quite articulate actually. I wish more threads were started like this one! I think since you both believe 'starting over' will help you should go with it 100%. Hopefully it will help her overcome past relationship troubles. So go for it. Time may help her a lot in dealing with her past issues! But I wouldn't rely on that alone by any means. If she is a people person maybe she could talk it through with her friends or even with a good counselor. One thing I would strongly suggest is that when you do get back to having sex, try being a pure giver for awhile. Give her oral sex, massages, penetrative sex in a very giving way. Don't focus on receiving, just on giving her pleasure and emotional support. Focus purely on her and just be attentive enough to make sure she is enjoying it. I would probably take some time to help her get over her past relationship issues before trying to understand her libido....it would just obfuscate the issue to try and force both at the same time. I think she will appreciate that more anyhow. Who knows, her sex drive could be amazing sans bad memories. When you initiate sex you can also initiate it in a nonconventional way. Let her know you want to see and feel her orgasm. You want to be inside her to feel the emotions, not to get off. Don't focus on yours at all right away....let her come to you (pun intended) and she may be much more interested in pleasing you before you know it! To put it in a more lighthearted way. How could sex ever become a chore for her if every time it happened she received some amazing oral sex and sensations that were near complete pleasure throughout her body for as long as she happened to want it that particular day. If she turns that scenario down, then I wholeheartedly suggest working on her libido! Most women won't turn that down!
  2. Cardinal
    Before I can overcome the nerves and perform, I need to feel comfortable with who I am with. It has gotten to the point that when I sleep with a new partner and nothing happens, I just tell her whats up and make sure she is satified. I overcome the issue by just doing it frequently for a week or two...that tends to speed up the whole process of becoming comfortable (and developing feelings for the matter). So I can totally understand how emotions might keep you from being able to perform and why you may need love to do that. You two don't seem like a good match anyhow based on the limited information you have provided us so far. Your needs are different..very different.
  3. Cardinal
    This works well for a man of any age in my opinion. It is an extremely valuable piece of advice for any man who has to deal with the emotional and sexual volatility of women. No matter how much drive a man has, a woman can go longer, more frequently and sometimes craves different types of intimacy that all but require a mans sex drive to fulfill. A freaky girl with a high sex drive is what many men dream of in bed. I think it is important for a man to be discerning however. It can be tough initially to separate the the drive for intimacy from the drive for sex...and ime they can be separated. Often that is where the incompatibility arises! I have a pretty strong intimate drive as a man, but I have had recently had to learn to 'reject' my partner and do so tactfully. She wants more of some things than I can provide....its a whole new experience for me and threw me for a loop big time!
  4. Cardinal
    Before I read the thread I thought this would be easy to solve. It is such a simple matter to boost a man's sex drive in most instances. But not when you bring psychology and immaturity into the picture. I honestly have no clue what to do with someone who is immature. I usually can't stand being around people like that, so I am of little help there. Physiologically however, the reason you two have different sex drives is due to a different hormonal mix for each of you. A simple doctors visit and some blood work may be all that is needed when his testosterone levels decline enough to cause libido problems. One thing I always suggest and will ask you about concerns his past. What has his drive been like over the last 25 years or so? How often did he desire sex? How often did he have an orgasm? That will tell you something about what to expect consistently from him. Fix any hormonal imbalances and reduce stress and you have your solution....at least as much of a solution as physiological work can provide.
  5. Cardinal
    chai, I would probably state it a little differently and make room for exceptions, but I agree overall. I'd make an exception for attractive married women for one....things like that. Lines I won't cross.
  6. Cardinal
    I have to do a fair amount of work to bring my girl to orgasm now also. She is convinced it takes a bit longer b/c she uses her vibe exclusively. Try not using the vibe at all. Also, I strongly think the answer lies somewhere with a combination of your fingers and tongue. You really need to spend a lot of time learning her gspot response. It can be tricky...very tricky. Make absolutely certain she can tell you when you are on her gspot and can identify where it is exactly. That way you can work toward knowing when precisely to stimulate it and how. For my girl, we discovered that 3 fingers seemed to be the magic bullet. She comes really fast that way and would take a lot longer with just two...go figure. Also try different cunnilingus positions. Sideways works great sometimes for example. Get better leverage with your arms and hands by being in totally different positions. There is a lot you can try. Just remember the definition of insanity....doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!
  7. Cardinal
    Defintiely normal. Wait until it feels right. I would just say to take time and show him you do care enough to make sure he is satisfied. Find other ways that he loves for you to get him off for now (handjobs for instance). Just make sure you are willing to pay attention to that area in a meaningful way. He will be more likely to be satisfied.
  8. Cardinal
    Just a quick question. When you do the actual blowing, what sort of suction do you ladies use typically? The girl I am dating kind of uses light suction and moves her whole head up and down the shaft. I think it might work best to grip an inch or two below the tip and form an actual suction that actually moves the skin up and down. I am not asking for a lot of detail if you aren't comfortable sharing...but I would like to get an idea. The rare, rare times when I do choose to use a fleshlight, it is definitely the vacuum sensation that brings me over the edge.
  9. Cardinal
    I think you have the best approach I have seen yet wrt to the time issue specifically. I like the slow handjob idea. I think my girl starts too quick with her hands...and probably also does far too much foreplay down there (which I love but does little to bring me to orgasm) slow does work well. If she held off on the blowjob for 5 minutes...then just put her mouth on it for 5 minutes with hand work..then increases speed as you do that would likely work well within about 15 minutes or so I think. I also believe the switching up does little to help him come faster. I would never get off with lots of switching. I honestly think most men get off to a particularly steady rhythm that is done consistently. You keep doing motion long enough....they normally can stop their hand work while masturbating and last longer that way....but you really don't let up at that point and bam... orgasm. works consistently well! They can't control themselves b/c they can't control the rhythm.
  10. Cardinal
    I admit I usually use porn (and she also uses porn much of the time). I like to take maybe 20 minutes or so to finish when I am alone. Occasionally more if I want to draw it out. I actually enjoy doing this much of the time. I am fine with 30 minute+ sometimes with breaks. I also must add I have used sleeves quite a bit the last year. They have helped I think with actual sex and lasting as long as I want. But if anything that hurts considerably when it comes to getting off quick with hand work. With my hand alone, I can finish in 6-7 minutes with porn if I start at the right time (after I have turned myself on substantively). To get it at or below 5 minutes I would have to both want to and not get off for a good 3 days plus. I could probably learn pretty easily to get myself close and have her finish it. I also do quite well with 69. That is the kind of distraction I like. Kissing while doing it is great too.
  11. Cardinal
    Just a teen I think you have the right idea...if I can make myself lose control, tell myself I can't hold out any longer...that is the kind of mindset that may really help me get there. I am working on this. I often feel quite bad however when I don't get anywhere close in 5-10, and that feeling only makes matters worse. Shadow's Light You have a pm! I may pick this book up. I read she comes first along with another book on cunnilingus and picked up some decent hints/tips in there. Th3ElementO5 The more I think about it the more I am convinced the mental aspects need to be dealt with before the physical can happen. In my case I know time pressure really sucks for me. It almost always backfires if I think she will only be down there 5-10 minutes and then stop. I agree about the hand motion. Feels great but she doesn't have one, so how on earth will she know how to touch it just right? Agreed! I am trying taking her hand and moving it myself with the right pressure...that seems to work okay so that she knows how hard to grip.
  12. Cardinal
    I normally have quite a bit of stamina during intercourse and am finding this to be a problem now that I am actually receiving oral sex pretty consistently now. For the ladies out there who deal with this regularly...with a man who takes quite awhile to orgasm through hj/bj, what are some of the tips you use specifically to speed things along? How did you go about learning to do it faster (if you can)? And for the guys who actually have this 'problem' how did you get over it? On your end of things, what did you do to make it happen faster? I would like to be able to orgasm within 5-15 minutes...the girl I am with really enjoys giving hj/bj's but is very much against doing it for a long time in one setting (>15 minutes for example). I will work with her to help her be able to enjoy it longer but she can't tolerate the actual blowjob for very long...it gets tiring for her and she gets bored (and possibly other reasons too). I have a feeling one or two main techniques will end up working really well along with some supplementary preparation. I just don't want to have to avoid masturbating or necessarily have sex for 20-30 minutes before starting a blowjob (we are holding off on further vaginal intercourse until she gets on birth control next month).
  13. Cardinal
    When I search, much of the time I only search for users with a photo. A decent percentage of people who don't put up a photo either haven't completed there profile, are very very concerned about their looks, aren't who they say they are, or are just brand new members who haven't had time. I have found on the major sites most women put up a photo. Some of the real-time dating sites (like personal ads) work without a photo, but I find they are really needed on the larger sites.
  14. Cardinal
    Trying doing it where you have plenty of room like on a bed. That way you can just get in a missionary and start making out. Whenever you get hard, you just slide in. Works well for me. I have the same problem.
  15. Cardinal
    We can't answer as to whether or not you are missing out. If it helps think of all the negative things that come with 'some' relationships. You take the good with the bad. You are not missing out on the risk for std's or unwanted pregnancies for instance! But honestly, I am having sex with a woman I don't love consistently now for the first time in my life. It helped me in that I know my intimate needs are being met completely now. I really enjoy who I am with (and its not just a sex thing). It has been a way for me to take things slowly. I now have no reason to rush into a serious relationship and can take things at my own pace. I couldn't see that tidbit until I actually got into my current relationship. A long-term serious relationship is not something that has to happen immediately...but I do crave intimacy and sex. A lot of negative emotions I have felt toward dating in the past have stemmed from a desire for intimacy, sex and the frustration of not getting either. Now I have that need filled and can let go of those emotions. Being able to be intimate with someone safely keeps me from feeling any sort of desperation or urgency. I am much happier being with someone who I do care significantly about (even though I am not in love) and am intimate with than I was in 25 years of being alone. I was happy the first 25 years of my life but I can't help but say I would have been happier with a wonderful woman, love or no love. It is human nature. If you feel at all as I do, maybe it would help you to date casually and gain more confidence without serious expectations? I know how frustrating it can be to be at a stalemate. For me, internet dating provided me with the outlet I needed to start feeling a lot better about myself and actually make connections with women who want to date me.
  16. Cardinal
    I hug a pillow under one arm and also sometimes put one under the abdomen. As far as I can tell for me it is purely physiological. I think there is a proper back alignment for sleeping (namely laying on your back with proper spinal alignment for your bodyshape). The pillow under the abdomen takes pressure off my lower back and spine. The pillow under the arm aligns my neck with my spine so that my neck isn't improperly arched. Purely physiological for me. The feeling of being drained is certainly interesting. I have slept with my girl for 4/5 nights one week. I felt like I had been hit by a truck and my circadian rhythm appeared to be non existant. It is like superman sleeping in a bed of kryptonite. Exhausted but no rest.
  17. Cardinal
    That is definitely nowhere near a tease. Just establishing boundaries. I would have more than likely had a pretty long discussion with her about sex in general before the first sleepover. I'd definitely find out what her comfort level is so that there is no ambiguity. And I certainly would not be comfortable is she said no sex, then tried to initiate full blown intercourse. Partners shouldn't assume anything like that on a first night together. I'd be happy if she said, 'making out only', 'oral only', 'close contact only', 'no making out', 'massages, no kissing'..etc. etc. The more explicit the boundaries the better. Since the sleepover is planned you really aren't taking away sponteneity anyhow. You also need to know what kind of man you are dealing with as to how aggressive he will be and whether or not reason might fly out the window. You are taking a risk, but this is definitely not a tease.
  18. Cardinal
    I am going with option two. Option one would take forever. I last too long. Option three? I think I'd rather just sleep in a different bed. No need for a sleeping pill. I am going to try getting over it by falling asleep before she does at least a few times. It bugs me that I am somehow not mentally comfortable doing that. It may take a lot more conditioning than a few times though...something I have to look forward to when I am living with a woman I guess.
  19. Cardinal
    Thanks for everyone who has replied so far. Your suggestion have been very helpful! I sleep exactly as you do and that position is tough for contact in many ways, especially if you switch from right to left and vice versa. I am not going to stress too much over it (its been going on a long time now).
  20. Cardinal
    What brands have you tried man? I started with trojan magnums also. Didn't like them for a lot of reasons. But mainly I didn't like how they could slip and slide. I am average thickness and I feel a guy needs to be pretty thick to go with those. Try the durex brands if you haven't...or maybe the avanti polyurethane. Also, maybe someone else mentioned it, but if your protection breaks, go get an emergency contraception pill. And wear a condom that doesn't slip and slide and won't allow precum to come in contact with her! It sounds like to me you aren't being careful enough. A backup second method isn't a bad idea at all. And also, always clean up everything really well when you are done...both of you need to be like a hawk when it comes to your fluid touching her in any way shape or form...really 'think' about it everytime and have an action plan if stuff goes wrong.
  21. Cardinal
    Crosscheck, thanks for the detailed response. it is much appreciated and I agree with you! It may all be about conditioning in the long term.
  22. Cardinal
    itsallgrand, Okay I am liking where you are going with this. I am hot natured so bundling up doesn't result in sleep for me...but....I think the relaxation technique is a great suggestion that I will bring up to her. She has some amazing hands. After an orgasm I could totally see going with a whole body massage idea (and definitely a temple massage several times...that has a way or really relaxing a person if done right) eventually resulting in light relaxing motions on her part. If she is able or willing to stay up longer than I can and do this for several nights it just might work! It might also help me get over the vulnerability issue. I love her massages! I have definitely reciprocated this already and she loves going to sleep this way. Unfortunately it will be a week before i get a chance to try it as she is making a trip to Chi town...I am hoping to have a whole bag of trick to work with by the time she gets back! It almost works when she spoons me (NEVER the other way around...talk about major turn on!) except that I have to change positions.
  23. Cardinal
    To clarify, I don't think there is anything you could ask me that I would consider too intrusive. You might need to make it a bit clearer what you are asking though as I am not sure I understand. I actually have a pretty calm, quiet and patient personality. Laid back and relaxed most of the time. I don't have a lot of specific requirements (sexually or otherwise). I would conisder going to a sleep specialist actually. I didn't consider this beforehand because I think I am the definition of a normal sleeper (7-8 hours per night and I am pretty good at making it consistently the same time each night. I am a night owl for sure, which makes it take about 30 minutes usually for me to fall asleep, but aside from that I am normal as can be when I am alone. I wonder what advice a sleep specialist might be able to offer me? Not dissing the idea, but I'd like to know how it may help before I consider that further.
  24. Cardinal
    In short, I can't sleep with women. I'd love to be able to fall asleep in a woman's arms and feel what a wonderful feeling that is but I have never done it to my knowledge. Potential Reasons for This 1) High Sex Drive. Sometimes any amount of touching will be too arousing to fall asleep. Warm body, skin on skin....bad call. Blind me, put me on a strong dose of antidepressants and dress her up like an eskimo and me with a three inch thick pair of pants and we might be getting somewhere, lol! Honestly though, there have been a number of times when the horniness isn't an issue and I still can't go to sleep.... 2) Vulnerability. I can't explain it and haven't even talked to my partners about it but there is a vulnerability aspect to falling asleep and I am certain that is playing some sort of role. It is like my mind work against me here and doesn't want to let go of consiousness. I get the same feeling when I see a person get knocked out in a fight. This is a big reason for my problem imo. 3) Position and Bed Size. I only fall asleep on my stomach or on my side in one of three positions and I seem to need to shift between positions several times before I go to sleep. Makes it tough to cuddle. I have very normal sleeping habits alone. No hangups. Bed size....I did fine the one night I have slept in a king sized bed with my ex...we weren't touching and I got a good nights sleep. Doesn't solve the main issue though. I don't know if two people could possibly fit together any better than my current SO and I do. It is comfortable, completely natural and a perfect fit. She is a quiet sleeper who doesn't move and doesn't wake up easy. She can fall asleep in any position and wants above all to hold onto me and go to sleep together....I want that too, but have never been able to make that happen! I want to do this for us both! Any suggestions? What am I overlooking? How can I make this work?
  25. Cardinal
    warra, I think may be able to offer you some decent advice. I have been in your shoes to some extent. And I think I have found a way around a lot of my frustrations. I need to know something about a woman before I start dating her seriously. I need to know that her physiological sex drive and her psychological sex drive in totality match mine pretty closely. If they don't then I will always be frustrated by a lack of sex and a potential lack of intimacy. It would be a rare person indeed that would be willing to fulfill a daily need in a selfless manner indefinitely when the reciprocal desire is just not there very often. It helped me tremendously actually. In my mind, once I know that she wants sex just as badly as I do and nearly as frequently (or maybe more even), the frustration pretty much vanished. I found myself being the one to delay sex at the onset of the relationship (until she is comfortable and we have birth control measures glued in place). And currently I have stuck to this and am proud of that. It also helps dealing with rejection within a sexual relationship. I am fine with her turning me down because I know there will be an equal number of times when she either intiates or want so initiate. I don't know if this strategy will help you or not, but I do think you need to find a way to counter the negative frustration emotion when she turns you down. And knowing she has a very strong drive that matches your pretty well is a comforting thought....at least to me.
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