Cardinal
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Everything posted by Cardinal
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She probably means specifically orally =D
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Honestly, that is how I would prefer it also. Before spending personal time together at our places regardless of the dating situation, I realize it would be best to discuss boundaries, so that we both can feel the same comfort level with one another. It takes away some degree of sponteneity and surprise, but a few poignant questions can do a lot eliminate feelings of discomfort. I need to trust the woman with me before I feel really satisfied sexually with her. And as I stated earlier, I could agree with quite a few stipulations so long as I feel my needs are being considered and I feel that she is willing to compromise a little. I imagine most people would not want to be with a partner whose top priority in the relationship is sex. In that case a friends with benefits relationship would be about all that is worth pursuing.
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That is awesome that you are not a tease and also that you don't send mixed signals. That is a really refreshing approach to sexual communication that I don't see often in real life. One problem I still have though is the bargaining chip idea. Given that you are so direct about what you are and aren't comfortable with, I also take it you tell the person you are dating that you seek commitment, love, and a certain comfort level prior to sex. Basically, I take it you would tell a partner unabashedly anything you wrote in this thread about what you want from a relationship. And that is wonderful. If so, you have made an agreement with him. The two of your have struck a deal. Maybe you don't shake on it on something like that, but it is a deal you have made nonethless. No sex until commitment, love and comfort (among possible other needs also). That is a deal if I have ever seen one in my life. A man may perceive your words and actions in many ways, but surely he would also agree that you have come to an agreement that both of you accept and understand. That is all I meant by a bargaining chip. Perhaps I made a bad word choice.
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Batya, Withholding sex is not necessarily a form of control. I can only go so far as to state that it can be and is used as a form of control at least part of the time. In your situation, you have given no indication that you would withhold sex to control a partner. I don't see you as a controlling person at all from what I have read of your posts. Instead you are using it as a sophisticated bargaining chip. A man shows his love for you, communicates his desire for a long term commitment possibly leading to marriage....Then and only then will you have sex with him. You are being very cautious and guarded to make sure you get what you are looking for out of the relationship. I think maybe you sensed that I might always see it as controlling behavior. Some men might perceive it that way. But that misperception can be rectified by good, honest communication. Only if I sensed that a potential mate was selfish and did not consider my own needs would I feel as though I am being controlled. Control is something I want to have over my life as whole where realistically possible. So I guard any vulnerabilities I might have pretty closely
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I think I may be beginning to understand myself better. Noone wants to feel used. Some men use women for sex and hence women feel the need to seek commitment and love prior to engaging in sex. Some women use men for their own reasons. I personally revile the idea of being controlled (controlled in a negative way). And I wouldn't want a woman to withhold sex as a control mechanism. That is also why I personally do not like rejection in general and have a hard time seeing why interest isn't always openly and honestly expressed. That is also why I so badly want to date someone with a compatible sex drive. It avoids a lot of frustration and is a day to day activity that can keep a couple on the same page. Some issues are more long term in that they may not effect a relationship for a very long time. Sexual compatiblity it both long and short term. I put less importance on things that are not fundamental to my happiness. Intimacy and sex is not one of those things however. So I also feel stronger emotions and a more powerful drive to find compatiblity.
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Batya, Fair enough. And I also don't see a problem with your reasoning. It sounds very well thought out. One thing I don't think I have fully explored is the real possibility of compromise. I realize I am deviating some from the main topic, but... Though I have stated why under normal circumstances, I might not view positively a situation where a woman could conceal her arousal enough and tone down her drive to actually wait more than a couple of months for sex...as long as I felt my needs were being considered, I could wait a very long time indeed via compromise. For example if we agreed that I could give her oral sex and do so very frequently, even if no other more progressive sex acts were involved, that stipulation alone would be enough to extend the time I would wait for intercourse incredibly. In truth, it would probably extend it longer than most women would ever need assuming sex before marriage. I personally think that would turn the tables on the situation in many cases. And if she could go very many months just receiving oral, then that is perfectly fine by me! I'd be very amused to see just how long she could last under those circumstances before wanting more. So there is an element of satisfaction and a degree of intimacy I am looking for in relatively new relationships. How we get there may be negotiable. In my case I would offer something that she can only refuse for so long. Trouble is, I am not sure if I could conceal that I was already doing my favorite thing and that actual intercourse was indeed something I would gladly sit and wait for. She'd probably be wanting it more than I would.
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You think women make that mistake? Think about what men must go through. man gets over incredible sense of trepidation and fear, builds up confidence, improves personality, asks out incredibly gorgeous woman, woman agrees, go out on a few dates, man initiates sex, woman just lies there. Man...disappointed, questions the meaning of life. hehe, it happens to us all.
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I have no idea how I missed your post initially. That is exactly right. I am assuming sex drive is not a variable. What I don't like about this idea personally (the idea of sex drive being a variable) is that it seems to presuppose an external locus of control. That is fine and dandy, but I believe in more of an internal locus of control. I appreciate a woman most who understands what triggers her own desire and who is bold enough to recognize when she is with a man who does not do it for her. And furthermore, a woman who recognizes when her drive is lower than she would like and intuitively knows how to bring it to her level of satisfaction. I see no good reason why people in general should not be able to control their own sex drive. In one sense sex drive is variable. It will change over a persons lifetime. But I still believe an innate personal desire to keep drive at a reasonable and satisfactory level (for her) is highly possible. It is all about undertanding your own body and mind.
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I am not trying to be overly flattering or put you on the spot. But if that is indeed your picture in your avatar, I can see why he would consider you out of his league. You have to be careful how you perceive yourself.
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Without reading a single response, I can say I have never asked a drop dead gorgeous girl out. In the past I have been intimidated and also think I have little chance at success. Women who are that gorgeous have the opportunity to be with any man 'they' choose. So I figured maybe if they really wanted me that badly, they would let me know and at least be a little more proactive. I also don't put looks as a very high priority. A woman who is average or slightly above average can provide me with more than I would ever want. So without stereotyping women, I don' t see what motivation I would have personally for asking out the most physically gorgeous woman in the world.
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I am equally surprised. I don't think I'll manage 5 or 6 turn-offs 1) Being overfat and the slovenly implications that come with it. 2) Smoking, only because it would effect our time together and would make me not want to be close to her. 3) Children. I am not interested in having them so in good consience I don't have a reason to want to date a woman with kids. 4) Nothing else specific really comes to mind, but to generalize I'd say number 4 would be anything else like children that would signal a major incompatibility for me. I tend to see the good in people and specifically I see very clearly that most things turn me on about women. It is gonig against my natural grain of thought to come up with turn offs. I am a problem solver like many men are. When I notice something I don't like about a woman, like a major case of halitosis for instance, I think of how to help her and make her breath sweet for example. Knowing all I know about human metabolism and bodybuilding however, I might not want to tackle a serious issue of being overfat. It would be a lot easier to find a woman who was at a normal healthy weight. I may not be good at reading any signal from a woman, but I can tell a natural ectomorph or mesomorph when I get to know her.
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Rest assured. There are many, many men who find muscular athletic women very attractive. I am one of those. You have nothing to worry about. Strong and capable is sexy!
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Breasts matter very little to me. I have never been attracted to a lady but not completely happy with her natural breast size. Overall looks are important to me, but the only physical feature that I feel really matters are a woman's eyes and her face overall. A woman's eyes and face show emotions and tell a lot about who they are. I could care less if a woman I was interested in needed to have her breasts completely removed. It wouldn't change my level of attraction for her one iota. If it helps any, looks for me are of limited importance. Once I find a woman attractive, then I am looking at other characteristics. I can extend my thoughts further. It also doesn't matter to me about female blemishes. Or heaven forbid if a woman needed to have an arm or leg removed. So long as it did not effect the possibility of long term compatibility (can still have sex etc), I wouldn't let physical blemishes keep me from being attracted to or wanting to ask out that particular woman. imo, you have to consider what it is that really matters to you. Once you know that, you are in a better position to answer questions like these.
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what is emotional/intellectual/sexual compatibility?
Cardinal replied to life_hard's topic in Dating Advice
Good question. My current view is that compatibility is going to largely depend on what each partner need and wants from the relationship. Going with that.... Emotional Compatibility: Someone who cares as much for my happiness as for their own and who exhibits a strong unconditional love for me just as I do for her. So strong love basically... Intellectual Compatibility: Succintly, someone who can think perceive and act. Someone with good logical reasoning skills and an interest in learning. Sexual Compatibility: A woman who is enthusiastic in bed and who has a similar drive for sex. It is the enthusiasm and innate desire for sex that I am looking for. I specifically have only stated those things that I feel matter most to me. If you look for too many things when considering compatiblity in a relationship, you may find yourself sorely disappointed. My goals in life revolve the pursuit of happiness. Being realistic is very much a part of that pursuit. -
I also suggest using a condom. It can help you last longer during your initial encounters. There is also less messy cleanup. Though you didn't ask I have to suggest my personal favorite durex ultra sensitive. If you fiddle around with the wrong condoms you may not even feel like you are inside her. Some condoms suck. ime durex doesn't suck.
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How easily does she orgasm by herself? Sometimes it can be hard, but I think it is best to take the pressure off of her and not worry about achieving one before you head off to college. Time pressure is not a good thing in this situation. I know how you feel. I don't have a lot of experience sexually and felt that if I did I would probably have a better understanding of how to bring women to orgasm. I still feel that way since I so highly value experience when it comes to sex. It helped for me to look at it a lot like having an ED problem. You need to support her just like she would/does if you couldn't get it up. The situations aren't quite analogous, but I think it does emphasize that you should not be thinking in terms of your own lack of ability to give her an orgasm.
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1st date...got DENIED on the kiss..what to do?
Cardinal replied to needhelp112692's topic in Dating Advice
Just a girl, I'd probably be even more aggressive than that. Assuming things went very well, I would just look her in the eye and ask her to come closer to me. Then of course take her hands in mind and imperceptively move closer to her to where we were face to face. I definitely wouldn't rush it and she would have plenty of time to know what was coming next. It gives her a heads up and makes things more intimately close. It would be harder for her to pull away. She would have to tell me no pretty directly. Nothing wrong with a more moderate approach like yours. I just like to set the tone and let her know I want to feel her body close to mine and that we are already forming an intimate relationship. I wouldn't be shooting for a long passionate kiss though unless that is what she is after. I just want her feel how I feel and for her to want more. How a man kisses is one of the first indications of how he will treat a woman in bed. -
Redqueen, yes I am talking about both sexual interest and sexual attraction. Scotcha's formulation is as good as any. I am purposefully making it more general and trying not to limit the discussion.
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I want to be like this! If only other men had your vision and intuition. Maybe they can invent some type of goggles that would work like this (would be worth more than the one that make regular clothing diaphinous(sp)).
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After reading your entire post I realize I may be overanalyzing this. But I think the discussion is well worth having and expounding upon. So I might just recognize very easily within the first month or so of dating her level of sex drive. I'd probably recognize it about you on the first date. You'd be giving off pretty direct signals and might even shift the conversation right to intimacy and sex (even though you still planned to wait) I guess that is where having little dating experience bites me. It could be super obvious when I meet the right person eventually. Thanks for taking the time to respond!
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CarnelianButterfly: I appreciate your comments! I agree there is no litmus test to tell if a woman has a high or low sex drive. But I can postulate a few things that might help. At that appropriate time, having a good thorough conversation and asking about it is probably best. But though I would restate what I have here to a potential mate, the type of commitment I am looking for would have to come from her without too much intervention on my part. In short, I am afraid exerting pressure/influence would simply backfire. Though I would never issue any type of ultimatum, when you do talk about deal breakers that is the indication. Hence one of the reasons why, long term, I am looking for someone with a naturally high drive who KNOWS beyond a doubt that is how they are and that is how they will strive to be in the future. I appreciate your mentioning the distinction between women who want casual sex and women who want more intimacy and emotional connection. The closest litmus test of physical need may be female masturbation. If she does and always has masturbated quite regularly, that would tell me her drive is pretty high (and can be maintained). In that sense it may not matter how much intimacy and emotional connection there is. Perhaps I am trying to be a bit idealistic but I think I can find a woman a lot like I am. Someone who would engage in sex acts regardless of intimacy and emotional connection (someone who masturbates frequently and always has) and also someone who highly values the emotional and intimate aspects of sex as I do. I realize many women don't masturbate. And the last thing I would want to do is exclude a wonderful lady for no good reason at all. But it begs a question. Are there really women out there who rarely or never masturbate, but who could handle and would willfully choose to have intercourse lets say at least daily? Perhaps if the intimate and emotional connection were strong enough, high frequency sex would be possible long term. But what would drive the need?
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In another thread, Deviant Kate wrote the following which I intend to relate to sexual compatibility as a whole: I would like to make the topic a bit more general in nature and consider this to fall in the timeframe between when a couple starts dating and when they first engage in sex. My conclusion from reading the quote is that it can be just as hard for a woman to hold back from engaging in sex as it is for a man. I feel that is a valid statement. I'd love to hear more feedback from males and females on how concealing female arousal in the initial dating phase of your relationship has impacted your sexual compatiblity both short and long term. I am interested in what feedback you have and don't want to place limits on the discussion. My Personal Experiences and Relationship Goals Previously, I have come to another conclusion in my personal life. Unless a woman has directly told me otherwise, I find that if she can go more than a month or two whle dating me before having sex, she more than likely doesn't have a sex drive that will be compatible with mine over the long term. Sexual compatibility is very tough to predict ahead of time. Though I inquire, I don't expect to determine many aspects of sexual compatibility prior to having sex. In sooth, there aren't that many things that would be deal breakers for me sexually. I simply don't have that many requirements and am not particularly selective overall. But I have come to believe that a major difference in sex drive is a deal breaker for me. For a long term relationship I am looking for someone who puts intimacy and sexual compatibility at the same high priority level that I do and who is willing to make that a very long term commitment. For that to work best, I think having naturally compatible sex drives is a key to that. A high sex drive is often associated with enthusiasm and a willingness for sex that would be tough to fake. And I would ask little more of any partner than to be enthusiastic during sex (once again, I am not rules/requirements type person). So that is where I am coming from. Now I would like to hear your views. I do have plenty more to say, but I tend to get long winded as it is.
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I used to always visualize the last time I saw someone I knew. A neighbor, someone from my school, whatever. I always imagined fairly detailed encounters. Now I primarily look at pictures or watch videos. When I actually have an orgasm it has become nearly impossible for me to think of anyone other than my g/f, regardless of what picture I might have in front of me. I am getting very accustomed to sharing that moment with her.
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I had a problem at first also. One thing you can do is focus on the view and also use your hands to rub all over her body. Truth be told a lot of it is what she does (she is in control remember). I can tell my girlfriend did a lot of research and a lot of learning before things were as awesome as they are now. She can exit and reenter. That tip does work well. She also has to learn to stay inside. Once she learns to ride you extremely hard and extremely fast from that position, I doubt you will EVER have a problem losing your erection again. It sure can hurt and is dangerous when she slips out and comes down on you fast with all her weight. The pain isn't so bad really but the real possibility of breaking a bone is there. So be careful.
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The best you can do is set down and have a discussion with her about boundaries. Do so at a time when you are not sexually intimate. As usual communicate with her and let her know how you feel. She may be willing to do more than you think. Firm boundaries may be best here.