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joyce1412

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  1. joyce1412
    it would be nice to know more about your situation, but as someone who was recently at the hands of a "mean dumper" i can probably relate. like dan said, try to look at it from her point of view. i doubt you'll find many of her actions justifiable, but if you can just TRY to understand how difficult and awkward it is to break up with someone...maybe you'll feel less angry. as it was explained to me by others, if your ex was mean, it was probably because she was working overtime trying to convince herself not to love you so she could break up with you. she had to make you the bad guy in order to feel okay about the breakup. maybe understanding that will help. i don't know. you aren't saying her actions are okay by letting go. on the contrary, you are moving on with your life because you know it's a waste of time and energy to keep caring about someone as lousy as she is. because that's what you're doing by being angry: caring about her. know that what she did will NEVER be okay. my guess is she'll probably look at her behavior several months or years down the road and cringe at how horrible she was. god knows i've been through that with every person i've seriously hurt. but whatever she did, i doubt it was cool by anyone's definition, so just know that and let it go. btw, i can also relate with you today because just about twenty minutes ago i was fixating on something lame my ex did. but i, too, am trying to let it go.
  2. joyce1412
    Above all, I wish it was Amber and that she was the girl she always pretended to be. at least you understand that your ex is not the person you thought or hoped she was. it takes some people a long time to realize that. even i forget sometimes what a jerk my ex was...i only want to remember the good times, the cute things. so good for you.
  3. joyce1412
    grovel like mad if and when she's actually willing to talk to you. but if i were her i wouldn't take you back.
  4. joyce1412
    he said we could be friends but I dont want to be friends it hurts to bad I love him with all my heart i thought he was the one he even said he saw us married at one point and he said i was the first one he ever saw that with he is 26 now, i am 25 this is perfect, we were perfect for eachother. i can't call him because i will hurt too bad i hear you. my ex also brought up the marriage stuff so it hurt that much more when he decided to end it. i wish people would never bring up that kind of stuff unless they were dead serious about it...only causes hurt feelings otherwise. if you really were perfect for each other, your ex would have SEEN this and NEVER given you up. i know it's hard to see around the situation, the hurt, but could you consider for a bit that maybe, at 25 years old, you have yet to meet the perfect person for you? isn't it possible that the road to a beautiful, lifelong relationship is just a little bit longer, but will end at a place that is even better than the one you can imagine? yes, don't call him. go right into NC. you are way too emotional right now to have anything good come out of a conversation with him. feel better! *hugs*
  5. joyce1412
    ugh, that sucks. here's hoping you'll find a new and better girl to start bringing to family gatherings!
  6. joyce1412
    Now she does this with someone else, and I feel like a discarded piece of trash. I have no one to love me, no one is attracted to me, and no one to talk to on those long nights after work. There is no one in my life that gives everything meaning. I have no motivation to keep moving anymore; she was my everything. Now I'm unable to see any kind of future beyond tomorrow and perhaps the next day. Its all the same; wake up, go to school, go to work, come home, go to sleep. No one is there to brighten my day or to make me feel special. Its like being a zombie. Any spare time I have is spent either browsing these forums, or browsing the message board on ZeldaPower. i felt the same way today. in fact, i've felt this way quite a lot recently. i feel insignificant in so many ways. i think this way of feeling is taking root because i'm finally realizing we really won't get back together. before i could kid myself by thinking that my ex would wake up one day and think, "duh! i'm such an idiot! joyce was the best thing that ever happened to me!" and as much as i hate it, i'm realizing that so much of my self-esteem came from what my ex thought of me. i put so much stock in our relationship, so much meaning in his presense in my life. if this weren't the case i know i wouldn't feel so awful. and you might also feel like me in that i feel guilty for wanting a person who treated me so badly...even if it's not all the time, even if it's not logical, i still want him. i just wanted to say that i know how you feel, and also that even though we are on the same plane emotionally, my logical mind tells me that we won't always feel like this. we'll find ways to fulfill ourselves that don't involve our exes, and ideally we'll feel fulfilled without the aid of any boyfriend or girlfriend. have a better day tomorrow.
  7. joyce1412
    my friends told me shell get hurt and sad and come running back and when she does i should kick her to the curb! but i love her and i want her back!! if she comes back to you lonely and vulnerable, you shouldn't get back with her. you should get back with her because she knows her life is good but would be better with you in it.
  8. joyce1412
    Look, dying for a noble cause is one thing but for a failed relationship? Come on! Do you know how many failed a horrific relationships I've had? Life isn't something you just turn off like a light switch. Do sleeping pills hurt...no...but when you choke to death and die in your own puke...yes it's the same as drowning. Not a good way to go. As a matter of fact the best way to go is old age, try it! You have no idea what is in store for you 6 months, a year or 5 years down the road for you. Ending your life over a guy is a really bad idea. Are you trying to hurt him? Do you think he will never date again because you ended your life over him? Get over him and find someone who will love you, then your ex will regret losing you. Be strong and focus on getting better. all i gotta say is, i completely second all of what he just said. most of us know what kind of pain you are in. we have been there, or for some of us, we still ARE there. i know i still have days when i don't want to be around anymore. but the thing is, i'd never kill myself. i'd never kill myself for this loser who left me, because i don't want him to keep me from marrying my future husband and having my future children and getting my awesome future job. no one who leaves you is worth forfeiting what will come to you for the rest of your life. don't you want to see your children? your grandchildren? i mean, god, don't you want to live another day for your mom and dad, who have loved you all your life and still do? just hang on. he's barely worth your tears, he's not worth painful death.
  9. joyce1412
    Force yourself too, you may slip up and look at hers sometimes, but when you delete her and set your profile to friends only and force yourself to not even look at her profile you feel very good, because then you wont know if shes talking to any new guys or doing whatever she may be doing. It also gives you a good sense of accomplishment. i got off myspace and all that after my breakup. i removed temptation as much as i could. not only does it feel better not to look at that stuff because you don't have to agonize over every little thing, you feel good because you're really committing to not caring about your ex. she is only as important as you let her be. or, as someone put it a little differently, "never let anyone rent space in your head for free." she's not your girlfriend, she's out of your life, so kick her out of your head. refusing to spend any of your valuable time checking up on her is a big part of kicking her out of your head.
  10. joyce1412
    that really sucks, but i doubt your five months of progress have necessarily gone "down the drain." that was ridiculous, and if i was your mother i would go mental too! still, you just have to laugh at the people who pull these immature little moves ONLINE, of all places! just be glad that you're not with this little boy anymore. if he were a real man he would not be playing these little online games to make another person feel terrible. and i don't know your story, but if he broke up with you, that's adding serious insult to injury, so i would seriously question not only his maturity, but his general character and morals. what a jerk.
  11. joyce1412
    I don't know what to do. I think it was a mistake to revisit those memories and emotions. Dont people say that you shouldn't hold things in and suppress your feelings though? But in this case would it be counter productive to healing? I have spent so much time trying to move forward, making myself a better person. How long will these memories haunt me? When will it be okay to let myself feel again? you should grieve for a certain amount of time, but i don't think the kind of thinking you are engaging in is healthy. it's one thing to stumble accross a memory every once in a while and feel pain over it. however, it sounds like you're deliberately going to those old memories for temporary comfort. trust me, i know exactly how it feels, occasionally i'll invent little scenarios or conversations with my ex in my head, and in that moment i actually feel better...but in the following moments, when i come back down to earth, i feel twice as bad. having fantasies about him and getting nostalgic isn't going to help you AT ALL. and yes, i think they are counterproductive to healing. you have free reign to "feel" again, and if you have any remaining sadness or anger you should work on getting it out of your system once and for all. maybe try therapy. but you shouldn't STOP feeling, but rather invest your emotions in other people who aren't your ex. all your feelings are going to what is essentially a negative place right now, and there are many ways for them to go to a positive place.
  12. joyce1412
    please don't torture yourself with these thoughts. think instead that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him! i think you're afraid of the pain you're feeling. you just need to feel it so you can have a better day tomorrow. good luck. i'm sorry you're hurting.
  13. joyce1412
    well, it seems like you're gonna go for it despite the risks. maybe you're one of those guys who has to try it even at the risk of great failure just so you know you gave it your best shot. i can't blame you, i was the same way when i let my ex back into my life again. i let him back in under different pretenses ("closure" and whatnot) but i think i just needed to feel like i had exhausted all possibilities to bring him back to me. that said, it really hurt a lot. it hurt to see that i was still attracted to him. it hurt to hear his voice and notice all his little mannerisms. it hurt to smell him, to remember what his eyes looked like. christ, it killed me just to remember the little gaps between his front teeth. it all hurt so badly remembering all that i loved about him and thinking it was mine once more, only to have it taken away all over again. i really hope it doesn't go the same way for you. i really, really do.
  14. joyce1412
    i'm sorry to hear about that kimmie. no lecture from me, i think you realize your mistake in breaking it off and that's enough of a lesson right there. however, if he really DOES feel that it's best for the two of you to be apart, you wouldn't have stayed together even if you had never called it off. if he's taken some time to reevaluate and has decided that he's better off, then you just have to realize that THIS is what's meant to be. it sounds like the only alternative would have been you two staying together and your ex never taking the time to reflect that he really wasn't happy...and this wouldn't have been a solid, genuine relationship. i know ANY alternative sounds better than a breakup at this point, but it's really not. remember the cheesy line--"if you love something, set it free. if it doesn't come back, it was NEVER YOURS TO BEGIN WITH." i'm with njron, i think there really were good reasons you left. you would not have left if you were completely happy. you WILL find another man who makes you completely happy. i'm sorry you're hurting and i hope for a better day for you tomorrow.
  15. joyce1412
    This is true, i dont know what would be worse, having down time and sitting at home by myself...or going there, if she does something dumb it wont matter where i was, i would of wished i went what if you don't have to do EITHER of those options? what if, like i suggested, you went out with other friends and had a BETTER time? why would you rather be there if she does something dumb? so you not only have to hear about it, but see it as well? sounds masochistic to me. Guess ill just hope she isnt coming! so i wont have to worry but now the thought of her will be in my head and will bring the mood down, bleh...lose-lose situation. you're really setting yourself up for failure. now you're telling yourself that if you don't go, you'll want to be there, so you'll be miserable...but if you do go, even if she's not there, you'll be miserable! i still say the best option is finding something better to do and telling your friends to not tell you ANYTHING about the night. tell them you don't want to know whether she was there or not. i know you're curious, but she really, truly isn't your concern anymore. think about it this way. you could ask for details about what she did at the party. you could also ask people who know her what she did last weekend, whom her most recent crush is, you could even ask what she ate for breakfast this morning. it doesn't matter, because any information you get about her will either be irrelevant or hurtful to you, or more often a mixture of both. even if you were to get information about her that's slightly satisfying (say she's interested in a new guy who wants to have nothing to do with her), it's still doing you a disservice because it keeps you caring. and then, just when you think you've got the last laugh because her life is in the gutter, you could hear about something great that happened to her and then your whole world will come crashing down again. i've had to learn the hard way why it's always, ALWAYS bad to get info about the ex. so if i could keep you from doing it, keep you from getting hurt, i would be really pumped.
  16. joyce1412
    shellshocked, i really appreciate your compliment. i agree with what you are saying now, which is that you are better off thinking of something, ANYTHING, positively rather than negatively, putting a spin on it that works in your favor rather than against you. what i disagreed with before was that positive responses from others directly correlate to your positive thinking on the matter. i'm with heyduh in that you can't expect to magically influence third parties with the way you think about something. and if things work out with your ex, and you credit it to your positive thinking, it's like having a good day and crediting the horoscope that said today was your lucky day. i think we humans just like to interpret things the way we want to interpret them. we like to look for freaky coincidences. i hope this doesn't offend anyone, but in a way i think it's akin to some people's faith in religion. positive thinking really is the best thing you can do for yourself. the KIND of positive thinking you do, though, is very important. i think the best kind is that which inflates your self-esteem (to compensate for the knocks it's taken) without being unrealistic. it's also important that it doesn't depend on outside circumstances. just to illustrate a point, my ex travels constantly for work, so when he broke it off with me, i thought, "well he's not going to be able to find someone who will be as loyal as me and be able to deal with his constantly being gone. he's going to miss me because someone who deals with that so well is rare." well, i just found out he might be seeing someone whom he's known even longer than me, so if he dates her that effectively negates my positivity. so i would have been better off saying something like, "i'm irreplaceable, i'm special, and i loved him very much, so he should be sad not to have me around."
  17. joyce1412
    Joyce1412, you are not weird, me either, not for months. I feel the same exact way you do. In fact I don't even turn on the stereo in the car, AT ALL. And I love music, I really do! Thats when i will know for sure I am healing, when I can listen to music again i know, i'm a big music lover. it sucks. but i already have enough things to remind me of my ex...i don't need more! wow...i never thought that the songs that used to make me feel so happy and nostalgic about my ex would one day make me feel so badly...
  18. joyce1412
    just wanted to chime in on this. i have a friend who dropped some absolutely DEVASTATING news about my ex last saturday after being told TWICE not to. i seriously thought about dropping her, but then i thought, "no, i can't do that..." i actually think i might now. not drop her, but definitely create some distance. because hearing that news screwed. me. up. and if she's going to keep dropping information like this i'm going to lose it. i've been depressed all week, whereas if i hadn't gotten that piece of information i'd be blissfully ignorant. my ex isn't in my life, i'm doing NC, so there's no reason for me to be hearing this stuff. it looks like your friend isn't going to quit even though you've asked him. i can't imagine why somebody would still do this after being asked, but he is. so cut him loose, or at least limit your interactions.
  19. joyce1412
    yeah, when people tell me that it's "just going to take time," i find that depressing as hell. it's took me a long time to get over my last heartbreak, WAY longer than it should have. i took it extremely hard. like you, i feel SO unlovable right now. i think i've only realized recently how much my self-esteem has plummeted. right after the breakup i actually felt pretty good about my self-esteem, self-worth, but unfortunately i think that was because i was still in denial. "he'll come back! i'm the best thing he'll ever get!" now, my self-esteem has plummeted along with my hope. i never though i would be the kind of girl who would base her self-worth on what a guy thought of her, but here i am, unable to convince myself that i'm a good person, a beautiful person. it's just such a horrible thing to know that the person who knew you best and always told you how beautiful you are doesn't want to be with you anymore. i don't know how i'll get past that. was i really only enough to entertain him for a year and a half? did i just 'get old' after that? Your sister in stopping the hope, me. by the way, i thought that was funny. haha
  20. joyce1412
    eek, i can't get into music in the months after a breakup. if i listen to anything new, it will forevermore remind me of being totally depressed and lovesick. if it's an old favorite, then it's ruined because the whole thing becomes colored by the emotions i'm feeling during the breakup. or worse, sometimes the old stuff reminds me of good times in the relationship. uggggghhhh. maybe i'm weird...
  21. joyce1412
    if anyone has some sort of feedback or advice as to why he felt the need to explain or even give an explaination please let me know, because im moving on, but im still kind of confused as to how he percieves me... yeah, it sounds like he's still in the same position as before ("doesn't know what he wants") and that night with you didn't change things. and my guess is that it didn't change things because him not wanting to be with you is about HIM, not you. he gave you this explanation because he's trying to make you feel better about it, and make himself feel better about it. basically, if he can convince you not to hate him for leading you on, then he's done his job. he doesn't have to feel guilty, and hey, maybe you'll even be up for it again in the future. the explanation was completely self-serving. i'm sure he really does miss you and everything, but at the same time, he knows how irresponsible it is to say that to you, because it keeps you from moving on and keeps you hoping. so as if there were any doubt, that was really bad form on his part. if he were a truly good guy, he would let you go, and wouldn't let you be hampered by his indecision. but he's weak, and he's selfish, so i would urge you to stay away from him. don't be like me...
  22. joyce1412
    yeah, you don't need that. go out and have a good time with some other friends. one less party won't kill you.
  23. joyce1412
    At some point, if you don't reconcile, you will need to shut that door. Until then, every contact is a wound. Shutting the door opens yourself to new love. In very rare occasions, that love comes from someone who has loved you in the past. However, I prefer to look at the lessons I have learned and to let go with love so that I can move on. and as other members have pointed out, you moving on is not going to decrease your chances with the ex whatsoever. it's either going to happen or it won't. so you can either choose to hang onto the ex, leaving your happiness in someone else's hands, or you can move on and find healthy happiness. the outcome will be the same, so do what's going to be best for YOU in the meantime.
  24. joyce1412
    a few months ago i got a really big sign that made me think my ex was going to come around. he didn't. i think that was a sign to stop looking for signs.
  25. joyce1412
    I read your post. Good job River. But I would get ready for any offensive she tries to pull as a result. She may try again just to try to get you interested again, only to back off again. I've seen it happen a lot on this forum. And my ex did it too. Whereas you may have felt like crap the first time around, the second time when they try to string you along is exponentially worse. Wishy washy people stink. Be careful. just to back her up on that, belle was one of the few people who cautioned me when my ex came around again. she turned out to be right--he was completely stringing me along, even though some other members, my friends, and even myself couldn't see it at the time. while i do hope it works out for you, i was certainly fooled. just like she apparently had a sixth sense for realizing that you were ignoring her and moving on, she may also know just what to say to reel you in, even if she doesn't want you back.
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