joyce1412

that's the spirit! believe those words you wrote. whatever you think about this breakup will be your reality; whatever you tell yourself, you will believe. hence the reason most have such low self-esteem after a breakup: they tell themselves they're not good enough for their exes. but if you have a positive attitude, you can't go wrong. keep it up!

You hit the nail on the head...looking ahead i see no reason why it wouldnt...it did last time...until i slacked off and she lost interest, i figure if i dont do it again nothing can go wrong. what do you mean it worked last time? you BROKE UP! she cheated on you, and eventually you two fell apart anyway. that doesn't sound like it worked at all. look, there are a thousand different reasons for breaking up. the first time you broke up, it was due to a couple of reasons. and your relationship with her appears to be very dysfunctional--you two fight all the time, go on and off with each other--so you'll probably break up again, just for different reasons. i hate to sound callous, but given what i've read about your past together and the way you communicate now, you two are clearly a volatile couple, and volatility in a relationship with two very young people doesn't often last.

i want to be sure kristen and i arent going to work before i move to someone else...i dont want to be lured in by her anymore...i want to be able to take a deep breath and say "its done" and be happy about it. understandable. there are those who feel like they need to exhaust all their options before they move on, even if they probably won't work and doing so may cost them. sounds like you're one of them. however, what if it does "work," technically, but doesn't actually work FOR YOU? the feeling i get from you is that you do not have the bar raised very high when it comes to how you're willing to let your ex treat you. she's already cheated on you with your best friend, which in my book is the worst sin a girlfriend can commit next to offing your mother and father. will you settle for scraps from her? be honest. you are very lonely, and you've already acknowledged that you don't feel other girls are attracted to you. i fear that you are more than willing to settle for MUCH less than you deserve because you are just too afraid to let the future be a question mark. i don't think this is so much about you wanting to exhaust possibilities. rather, i think you ARE expecting this relationship to work deep down, otherwise you wouldn't go to the trouble of pursuing it, and you wouldn't risk more hurt. just my two cents, dan. good luck. p.s. weren't you supposed to be meeting her today? or tonight?

i think that's great that you moved out of your apartment. i did the same with my apartment. having a new place to start out in all on my own felt very cleansing. it was also nice to redecorate, get a new bed, new bedding. my old bed practically had my ex's imprint on it. ick! how will you stop missing her? well, i think you really do start to forget the things you like about people, even ones you cared about a lot. that's the beauty of memory...with time you can't recall their cute quirks. you forget their mannerisms, their little jokes, what they look like in the morning after waking up. at least that's been my experience. your head will help you let go as long as you don't keep re-hashing the cute memories unnecessarily. it just takes a while. NC is necessary for this. and when you meet someone new who has her own cool personality and cute quirks, well...suddenly you won't have the desire to miss the one who's old news. at least not in the same way that you miss her now.

agreed, based on the fact that you posted about this, it sounds like you might have some expectations of him if you send it. would you be okay with him not responding? would you be okay with him replying with something cute--would it make you miss him? ask yourself if you can be appropriately detached from whatever will come of it.

I know I couldn't always buy her things, I'm paying out-of-state tuition. The reason why I'm even at this school is because of her. I moved 1000 miles away from home for her. just a thought... but you might want to consider re-examining what it means to be a good boyfriend, to have a good relationship. your definition of love seems to revolve around sacrifice, and giving things up for her: you were a "bad" boyfriend because you couldn't buy her things, you were a "good" boyfriend because you went to a college "for her". if those are your expectations of what a relationship needs, or what a good boyfriend needs to do, i personally feel that you're wrong. not only do you not need to give up so much of yourself to be happy, love based on having to constantly give things up isn't true love. i think your view of love and also your view of what a good boyfriend/girlfriend is will change a LOT in your lifetime, and with a more evolved and mature point of view, you're going to find a much better woman, one who fulfills you a lot more. i'd suggest letting go of the hope that she will come back to you, because it's only doing you harm. hope is NOT always a good thing. she is with someone else, and she probably feels that she is happy in that relationship, and you need to accept that. the sooner you accept, the sooner you can be happy on your own.

I dont want any STDs or anything, i dont want to deal with it all, but at the same time i am missing her so much right now...i think ill leave her a voicemail. ouch. how do you expect to get over her if you keep talking to her, keep going after her? you're in a vicious cycle right now, and you're willingly staying in it. you are not going to get over her if you don't change your MO here.

well, just because someone is over you doesn't mean she wants you to get over her. this kind of thing manifests itself in a lot of different ways. you'll notice other people on this board complaining that their exes are leading them on by saying or doing various things. it stems from the same impulse. people don't like to be easily forgotten. it's an ego boost for her to still have you in love with her. so i think she read into what you said because she saw it as a declaration that you're over her, and she's feeling a little sore about that. and even though she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to see you with someone else yet. seeing the person you were with with someone else is the last and hardest stage in getting over someone. just like she shouldn't have read into your myspace profile, you shouldn't read into her questions. stay in NC. do NOT ask her about this, because even if she really was interested, you would scare her off by asking. she'll make a move if she wants you back...i don't think she does at this point, but if it comes to that, she will make a move.

It is so hard...i did 3 days, followed by 5 days, followed by 9 days, then i upd it to a month...its really tough...i know i contradict myself, but i really want to move on and not have to deal with her, but i really want her...thats why im so confused because i cant decide what im going to do. how about this... for every day you can stick to NC, put a dollar or two into a jar. then, when the money in the jar accumulates into a big number, buy some cool accessory to go with your new bike. a flashy helmet? a hot jacket? the possibilities are endless. we all need motivation, and rewards can really help. as for what to do on friday, only you can answer that question my friend. no one can (or should) tell you how to handle that meeting. something tells me you are going to go and pour your heart out because that's just what you need to do. just remember, you're letting your heart do a lot of the talking here, so just make sure your head has a say in things, too.

And even if i miraculously found a modest intelligent attractive girl nothing would come of it, i am not even close to ready for someone else. yes, you probably aren't ready for someone else yet. BUT... if you were to walk away from your ex now, then you could get yourself ready for a new relationship a lot sooner. what if you meet a great woman four months from now, but let her pass you by because you're still hung up on your ex? never forget that you have a lot of choices in this matter. your fate isn't all up to your ex. p.s.--if there's one thing i know about 17 year old girls, they really, i mean REALLY, want what they can't have. i think you'd be surprised by what sticking to NC and moving on without her could do. i guarantee you it would blow her away.

i second annie's idea about seeing a therapist. therapy has helped me talk myself out of some of my deepest neuroses...or at least it's starting to help. look to your friends who have happy marriages. they inspire me to believe in relationships and marriage. for me, the relationship that has best exemplified love, acceptance, and loyalty is my own parents'.

And i do want her back...but i know its a possibility i will be in this same position later...i want to find someone else, but the ladies arent exactly beating down the door to meat me. no offense, but wanting to get back with your ex because you don't think anyone else will want you is pretty much the worst reason of all. even if it's not your primary reason for wanting her, it's a terrible idea to get back with her because you think you can't do better. to tell you the truth, when you're 17, there are SLIM PICKINS out there. i could barely find a single boyfriend in high school, and even he didn't last long. but if i had had any idea of the guy(s) i would meet when i was just a bit older, there's no way i would have been so fixated on the guy i loved when i was 17. NO WAY. there are way better things in store for you, my friend, you just don't know it yet. have you ever thought about the possibility that there's a girl out there who will love you for EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE, and is SURE she wants to be with you? i wish you would go looking for her instead of hanging onto your ex. ask yourself this: if you DID have a lot of women going after you right now, would you still want to be with your ex? if the answer is no (and i have a feeling it is), then i think you could benefit from some honest re-evaluation of WHY exactly you want this girl, and whether those reasons are good reasons. loneliness and lack of better prospects are two very bad reasons to get back with an ex--an ex who doesn't appreciate you, at that.

Wouldnt it be nice if she could just tell me she never wants to see me again. why do you need her to MAKE you go away when you already know she isn't that into having a relationship with you? i'd like to see you have the strength to walk away yourself, knowing that you have a lot to offer to another beautiful, appreciative woman. keep in mind, your ex won't see your value if you don't see it yourself.

i am a very spiritual person and i don't know what God has planned for me. sure, i would love to have kids, but it's something that may or not change. most 23 year old guys that i know don't want kids, all of my friends( male/female) don't want kids. sometimes i feel that things like that are or can be a result of someone's circumstances. in that case, i think you have to ask yourself some questions. for example, is maintaining this relationship more important to you than the possibility of never having your own children? knowing that having children still could be a big issue, are you willing to stay with him knowing it could very well tear you apart eventually, spending months or years more on this relationship that could have been used to find a partner who definitely wants children? in my experience, guys my age (21) don't want kids NOW. but in surveying a lot of my guy friends, i noticed that most of them have a pretty clear answer as to whether they'll want them EVENTUALLY. that's true of most of my female friends as well. you might just have to search your heart on this. i want children, so personally, i could never see a future with a guy who didn't want kids. i'm young, so it's possible my desires could change, but i think it's risky to commit to a guy who already knows there are limitations on what he can offer you. just my opinion, though.

Try not to listen to the doom and gloom reports about breakups being the complete death of your relationship forever. True I don't know your circumstances, but I know people who have broken up and reuinted and married! bungalo, it's true that some couples do reunite. however, it's the healthiest idea to ASSUME that your relationship is over forever, and work on making yourself happy in the absense of a relationship. i know that, for me, hanging onto the hope of reconciliation was the worst thing i could have done. hindered my progress quite a bit.

moonflowers--good to know we're in the same place. thanks for the buddhism tip! life of ai--i did read your thread. i know what it's like to feel that the things i brought to my relationship went unappreciated. i really feel deep down that my ex is going to have a hard time finding a good woman like me, especially in this city. you've been with her for a very long time, since you were quite young, so i hope you decide to go out there and start exploring what other women have to offer. she mistreated you so much that i think a better woman would really open your eyes. poetsheart--thank you! today was actually a very hard day for me...didn't feel quite as good as i had the last few days, actually left work in tears. but these days i'm realizing my depression doesn't have to do AS much with my ex and the breakup, which is actually comforting. there is power in realizing that YOU are responsible for your lack of well-being, because if it's you, then you can do something about it. ellie--girl, i TOTALLY know what you're saying. there was a huge change in my demeanor after the breakup. basically what you're describing is becoming very DETACHED. i had this feeling a lot. even when i would speak to people, and APPEAR to be enthusiastic, animated, or whatever, it was all a front. i felt dead inside. so why are you doing it? because your head is telling you that if you pull away from emotions, pull away from letting yourself FEEL for something or someone and get invested in them, you can't get hurt like you did in this breakup. it's a big-time self-defense mechanism. by not letting yourself experience any extreme emotion--either happiness or sadness--you can't have those low lows which are so terrible. i think if you were to talk to a therapist she'd probably tell you that detachment is a classic self-defense mechanism. and our minds tell us to detach for all sorts of reasons. so first of all, yeah, i'm no psychologist, but i think that's a completely normal reaction. i don't know what kind of hope i can offer, because in some ways i'm still detached--it has actually HELPED me to try to detach when it comes to my ex. and to a degree, i think i still feel dead inside, and a bit pessimistic, but i think that's more a condition of my depression. but i CAN tell you that i've had some really happy times since the breakup with friends and whatnot, and have been able to enjoy them to the fullest extent, and it wasn't fake happiness that i felt. i'm also optimistic for the future that i'm going to care less and less about the breakup as time passes. just know that you won't feel this way forever. your head will eventually "come out of its shell" when it senses that it's okay to feel again. in the meantime, try doing some things you can get REALLY excited about. take a trip to disneyland with a buttload of friends if you have to, something big and fun. then i think you'll see that you can still feel happiness and exhilaration like you used to. good luck, hope that helps!

it's a good thing that NC is making the "fire" go away for you. if the relationship is over then your job is coming to accept this, and dealing with it in an emotionally healthy way. there's nothing bad about moving on with your life. if she comes back, she comes back, and it's going to have nothing to do with how much you're still in love with her. she's going to decide on her own. and she may never come back, too. so in both cases your best bet is continuing to get over her, because it's the best mental and emotional insurance policy you've got.

it sounds like he is VERY confused, and it is not your fault that he is confused. however, he is trying to PULL YOU INTO his web of confusion by contacting you after the breakup. you were doing a good job by ignoring his contacts. i'm glad that you didn't stick around till december. maintain NC. the good thing about it is that you should find out in the semi-near future how solid he is on leaving you or wanting you back, because either he'll stop calling at some point, or he'll realize he's screwed up and make the move. NC has a way of making the truth come out.

i'm not a guy, but it's probably just regular ol' curiosity. when it had been a while since my ex of 3 years and i had talked, i asked a lot of people about him (no one seemed to have information, so i had to keep asking). i didn't want to get back with him in the least, but i was curious. once i've gotten over someone, i like to know how he's doing, who he's dating. i'm a little curious why YOU'RE curious, because the fact that you're asking when your marriage is on the rocks is interesting.

Each time he just walks away, didn't even end off things properly with me & just walked away & a few weeks & his in someone elses arms once again. in that case, the pink elephant in the room is-- why did you, and why do you still want to be with this guy? he's hurt you so much, and has disrespected you. where do you draw the line?

i just wanted to say that i know how you feel, i found out not too long ago that my ex is probably with another. it hurt SO badly. try not to think about what he may or may not be doing. it gets you absolutely nowhere, i've found. just tell yourself, "why should i care?" and chances are this woman isn't a better match for him or anything like that. like frisco pointed out, someone jumping into another "relationship" like that is a BIG red flag that she is NOT the new love of his life. please don't call him. it's only going to hurt you. i don't seeing you getting anything out of speaking with him. stay strong!

i can tell you right now that it takes a while to see what NC can do for you. but now that my ex and i haven't spoken for about 2 1/2 months, i feel pretty darn good. he is staying in my past, and i now have the breathing room to heal and get on with my life. it is her fault for leading you on, and you have to just look at her actions: she's staying with this girl. no matter what flowery and lovely things she is saying to you, she still doesn't want to be with you, she wants to be with HER, or at least wants to be with her MORE. and that's all that matters. on the upside, if you pull away and start NC, i think you will get a pretty solid answer at some point about whether she wants to get back together with you. i don't see you getting a solid answer by staying in touch with her. i see you hurting yourself and remaining unhappy. also, i agree with stolenshadow: stop asking yourself about why she's doing what she's doing and start asking YOURSELF why you are standing for what she's doing, and willingly playing into her games.

I don't know whether to look at it like she is using me or if she went out messed around and realized I am the guy for her.. i've followed your story. she's taken you for granted so many times that i don't think she's EVER going to decide she wants you. she certainly hasn't decided now. what makes you think she's going to change her mind? what makes you think she's going to start committing to you for good? i think you have to look at the facts, and her past behavior. what's going to make her change into the person you hope she will become? her not wanting to be with you is very much about HER, and i don't think you have seen any evidence that indicates you can rely on her to change, and suddenly begin to appreciate you. i'd just ask you to start using your head, not your heart, and look at the situation here. i hope you gain the strength to do what's best for you.

there are times when NO answer--or flip-flopping back and forth--IS an answer. this is one of them. her indecision indicates she doesn't truly want to be with you. i think you'll probably see this at some point.

i love jon krakauer books. they're so engrossing, and he tells stories of some pretty significant tragedies, people who DEFINITELY have it worse than you. i've read into thin air, into the wild, and under the banner of heaven, and i thought they were all fantastic.