joyce1412

hey there, i know you have another thread going on this, but i'll just respond here. I guess what I am looking for is some reassurance that my ex still cares and I am on her mind. I did not proceed with NC to get her back, I did it to help myself heal. But on the other hand it still feels good to read between the lines and see that my ex is surprised by my NC and is wondering what the hell I've been up to. to me, the question is not whether or not she still cares about you, it's why YOU care if she cares about you. trying to play guessing games about her mental state is only going to set you back because it means you're still heavily invested in how she feels about you. it may be a quick self-esteem boost to know that she's curious about you, sure. but it sounds like she has given you NO indication that she wants you back. i fear that reading into all this is only going to get your hopes up. i know it's easy to get caught up in this stuff, but you are driving yourself CRAZY with this over-analysis of relatively innocent actions. you're overthinking this. the only thing to think about is moving on from her. forget about what she thinks, it's all about you now. My gut feeling, which has been on point in the past about my ex, is that sooner or later there will be some sort of contact. Whether that be an unplanned run in or some sort of contact from her I am not sure. All I know is that it is going to happen sooner or later. I would just like to be ahead of the game, prepared for the ineviatble and thus able to respond most appropriately. sweetie, i've SO been where you are. i could talk with my girlfriends for hours, strategizing about what i would do if my ex did x or y or got in touch with me. i did this strategizing because it felt good--i still got to talk about him in terms of "us," and i still got to keep up this illusion i created that he was into me. in a way, it kept us "involved" with each other, at least in my mind. but let me be clear that this did NOT help me. you are WAAAAY better off accepting RIGHT NOW that your ex does not want to be with you, because even if you don't want to get back together with her, i think you're still very concerned about whether or not she wants you. let her go. If I run into this roommate of my ex's again, what follows is a response I may give i would VERY MUCH caution against telling this to your roommate. what do you gain by calling her on digging for information? absolutely nothing. you're way better off finding a sly way to deflect the 20 questions and presenting yourself as a happy, together dude, rather than replying to her with guns blazing. it's just not necessary. and no, you shouldn't include a "message" to your ex. don't play into the creation of any drama. you're above this. and trust me, nothing will make your ex bristle like knowing that you've moved on and are over her, so do your best to present yourself as having moved on. I believe I have leveled the playing field with my NC, and I'll be honest, I would absolutely love to see my ex back down and break the NC. After 5 weeks I'm no longer hoping for contact or reconciliation, just the reassurance that my ex is not indifferent... i think you should just relax a bit. you're creating this war between you and your ex that's totally unnecessary. who cares if she cares? who cares if she's indifferent? she's in your past, and you're bigger than all this catty drama. you're bigger than sitting around and wasting valuable time hoping that your ex "backs down." what you don't realize is that you will maintain power and dignity by not giving a flying crap about what your ex and her friends are up to. like i said, it's all about you now. also, i think you're fooling yourself. you say "i'm no longer hoping for contact," when you just said right before that that you'd "love to see" her back down and contact you! i think you really need to ask yourself about what you want, WHY you want it, and WHY you should or shouldn't be making these things your focus.

thank you so much for your words! crying pony--i can almost guarantee you will be as healed as i am, or better, in five months. i've been known to be an extremely sensitive person; i've never known anyone who lets the things people say and do crush her so badly. i placed a lot of emphasis on love and almost all my happiness was based in this relationship. i thought about my ex day and night for months, i cried and cried and cried, i continued to love him long after he stopped loving me. but even if you are just as bad as me at least you know that you're going to be okay. i was in such a sorry state, but i am recovered enough at this point to know you can make it, too about what you said--"what appealled to your ex about you will appeal to other guys too - the next one just wont take you for granted!"--i really try to remember that, and it helps to hear other people remind me. thanks. ellie--mourning what i thought i would have with my ex was a big part of my sadness. right now he is constantly gone on the road...this year alone he'll probably only be in our hometown for about 9 months total of this whole year! which is a pretty sad relationship to have, right? but i was so fixated on what we COULD be at some point that i almost completely disregarded our relationship's significant flaws. i had so much hope for the future. i mean, i literally had this image of us in my mind, kissing at our oceanside wedding with me in a long white gown. no joke! i really thought we would keep going strong for a long time, and i'm still disappointed that we didn't make it there. but anyway, as i've told you before, you sound like you're in a very realistic place, MUCH better than i was at your stage. i think you will make a decently quick recovery. never chastise yourself for missing him, but know that with time, you will miss him less and less, and you CAN aid yourself in missing him less by not going over and over the good memories, thoughts of what he's doing now, etc. NC has been key for me. i'm gladly allowing his memory to fade. i do want him to have a happy life and all, but if he doesn't want to be with me, then that's all there is. he stays in my past. have a good day everyone!

just thought i'd post about where i'm at right now. it's been more than 5 months since the breakup and more than 2 1/2 months of NC (broke it for about a weeklong period) and the relationship is just starting to feel like a distant memory. it's nice. with the onset of fall and winter, i feel like my sorrow and pain are dying and fading out along with nature. i still think of him and the relationship quite often, but the pain and the loss don't feel so fresh, so raw. he is not my boyfriend anymore, and he wasn't even my boyfriend "recently"--instead, it feels like he is just "someone i was with." i feel like i have stopped reeling from the breakup and have hit bottom already, and now i am just trying to figure out a way to get firmly back on my feet. the worst is over, although the light at the end of the tunnel isn't terribly near either. i still miss him, but all my feelings have become less intense: the sadness, the anger, the bitterness, the feelings of abandonment and betrayal. i still have several moments a day where i am hit with a memory, or a thought, and feel blindsided for a few minutes at least. but as one of my friends told me, "he is not in your life anymore, so he can't hurt you." that's been my philosophy as of late. any sadness about the breakup is, at this point, self-inflicted by focusing too much on the past. despite my attempts to be happy on my own, i have had to face facts that for about the last 3 years of my life--and maybe even longer--i have not been happy. i thought i was happy when i was with my ex, but it was really just a salve for my dissatisfaction with other areas of my life. i mean, i WAS happy with him, i was SO in love with the guy, but true happiness isn't dependent on a person. after the demise of the relationship, i was still left unsure about what i wanted to do with my life and found myself becoming very disillusioned by the people around me. today my therapist asked if i had considered taking antidepressants. i was taken aback that someone was actually validating my feelings, telling me that there might be something wrong with my brain chemistry, not wrong with ME. i'm thinking about possibly taking them. i still feel that my self-esteem needs a lot of work. i relied so much on my ex for giving me "value" that i have had to completely re-configure the basis for my self-worth. i struggle a lot. i am very sensitive about my appearance, though i wish i weren't. it's been hard believing that i'm attractive when i don't have a good-looking guy telling me every day that i'm beautiful. understandable, right? i also question a lot whether i'm fun to be around, and how much people really like me. but like i said, i'm working on it. one thing i've found intriguing is buddhism. i have been trying to learn more about its philosophy of detachment from negative emotions and things. i'm not exactly sure why it resonates so deeply with me, but it's got me thinking about all the things that i focus on that hurt me, even things like the accumulation of surplus material goods. i feel like it's something i can really get into because i can already see how the teachings are going to make my life better, and make my experience of living more positive and genuine. i feel like it can aid me in becoming the person i've always aspired to become. it also emphasizes living in the present moment only, because the future is unknowable and the past is NEVER coming back. needless to say, the idea of the past never coming back is very comforting to me. welp, that's about it. thanks to anyone who read this. i'm looking forward to my 6-month mark.

i know how you feel. a true, heartfelt apology from my ex would have meant a lot to me. i felt it was only proper after all that he put me through. you may get an apology one day. i've gotten it when my heart was broken once before, but i didn't feel it was genuine, so it didn't do much for me. however, what do you really gain by asking for an apology? it really only means something if he volunteers it, because that's the only way it's really going to come from the heart. best to keep doing NC. that's going to aid your healing more than an apology. and if he never apologizes, that's just a sign that he's an insensitive person and wouldn't make a good boyfriend. it may take longer to get over him because he's your first love. it's hard to put into perspective when you lose your first love because you've never had a relationship that really compares, so the loss feels quite extreme. what in particular makes you think he'll come over to your house? if it were me i would tell him CALMLY that his presense isn't welcome due to his recent behavior, and that i am moving on. that should make him back off.

i really don't know anyone who has the time to go around and continuously knock people who are trying to give helpful advice and be supportive.

ugh, i feel you on this one. i hate to tell you this, but knowing females, i'm sure that they're dying to report back to your ex when they see you, or if not your ex then they may discuss you amongst themselves. after my breakup, i noticed more than a few "friends" or acquaintances who seemed to be subtly delighting in my pain, in the gossip surrounding my breakup. it was an eye-opening and painful lesson, seeing how much pleasure humans get out of others' failings and tragedies. firstly, just know that it's nothing personal. they probably aren't the greatest people, and their gossipy and obsequious ways speak volumes about their character. they don't have happy and satisfying lives, so they pick on others. it has little to do with you, or even how highly they regard you. i'm sure they do have regard for you. it is ALL about them. it seems you are already appropriately wary of these girls. continue to be. when you run into them, be very enthusiastic, give the impression that you are having the time of your life; they want to find weakness in you, so don't give them the opportunity. even try subtly deflecting their questions by asking them about themselves (i'm sure they would be happy to talk about themselves!) then, make a quick and graceful exit before they can get too much information out of you. let them know that you have some place to be, and make your move. it doesn't matter what they want to say about you; their opinion means nothing. but having a good strategy may make these run-ins more comfortable. good luck!

my ex sent me a similar email a few months ago. basically apologized for certain things and made an unconvincing argument for us being friends. i was really upset about it, but i was talking to a friend about it and he said, "don't read into it, don't even think about what he said. that email is bullsh*t and you know it!" it took that simple statement for me to snap out of it. like desertnomad said, that email is her feeling guilty, and trying to do whatever she can to feel better about it. it's a bunch of pretty words that are designed to help her alleviate her sadness and confusion...and even though she TALKS about you, it's not ABOUT you. it's about HER. she's looking for any way to come out of this looking and feeling good. if your sister is cool with it, i would suggest asking her to not respond to the email. what could she possibly say? you don't want to get her caught in the crossfire, and you certainly don't want to invite another painful email from your ex. so if your sister would be okay with stopping correspondence, then i would ask her to do that.

i agree with frisco, it's all about giving yourself a kick in the butt. there's no way to get motivated or focus except getting yourself motivated and focusing. it's do, or don't do. i also try to look back at times i've been sad in the past, and realize how i let myself get so upset over things i deem to be rather trivial now. puts things into perspective.

in orlander's "defense," i've read many of his posts, and he has no negative feelings toward his ex; in fact, he has a very good outlook. but this was a relationship he wanted to keep, and i think his desire to reclaim this word is out of not wanting to hurt anymore rather than being bitter towards his ex. i think you're misunderstanding him.

she was definitely crossing the line by saying that if she was the one to break up with you, so don't be too hard on yourself for reacting that way. i would have reacted the same way, because that was very inappropriate. she should know that making statements like that will hurt you.

I don't want him back, I don't know if I miss him, but I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Maybe I'm being narcissistic! i don't think that's narcissistic. everyone likes to think that they will be remembered and missed when they are not around. it's just a desire to mean something to the world, to the people you've touched. I wonder this everyday, and then I push it out of my head because it doesn't really matter that much. We can't go back anymore~and that will one day very soon be a good thing. i agree. plus, when i look at the facts of how he has behaved, i don't feel that he misses me much. and he certainly doesn't miss me as much as i miss him, and knowing that isn't a great feeling either. I don't know why but it helps me stay strong to think "He's completely over me so why should I miss him?!" This might be a spiteful (and rather childish) way to think but I don't know, it's working for me right now and I have to do all that I can bc I really can't regress again! not spiteful. i think that will help you move on faster. on the one hand it's almost like you're making a competition out of geting over each other, but if it gets you to move on faster than you would otherwise, i totally support that! also, the romantics who like to imagine that their exes miss them will probably spend longer dwelling in the memories of the relationship. a more cut-and-dry approach (i.e. "he doesn't miss me because we've over, we are a thing of the past") is a good kick in the butt to help you move on.

So, fight! Don't let your exes have anything you want to keep and hold dear to your heart. If you have a child with an ex, focus on seeing your features in their face. That restaurant that you really loved that you used to go to with your ex and you haven't been back to since you split up? Go back and reclaim it for your own again!! That song you used to listen to together? Take it back! You loved it. It's yours.!! great advice. we give way too much of ourselves to our exes. i'm still trying to work on that myself, because at first it was all too easy to let my ex "have" those things. i actually read some practical advice on this a few months ago. the writer suggested that you do something like have a party at your place, and play all the songs that you and your ex loved, so that your experience of the music is essentially rewritten. you could do the same by having a big gathering of girlfriends (or guy friends) at "your" restaurant or coffee shop. the point is to make sure you have a grand ol' time with people who will always love you so that when you come into contact with those "triggers," the new memories will come to mind first and be more significant in your mind.

i've heard of stories where ex's have gotten in touch after YEARS, even decades .. search the forum .. someone recently got in touch with an ex after 12 yrs .. amazing. that's true, i know some people to whom that has happened. but i think the odds that your ex WILL contact you, and also want to pursue a relationship with you, decrease with time.

you CAN deal with this pain. it's hard, but you'll get through it a stronger person. if you love someone, set her free. she may come back, she may not, but it's the only thing you can do.

i feel strongly that you can stand tall/show class and dignity without being friends. being "friendly" with an ex is, of course, ideal; unless he or she was really cruel, then you should always be friendly if you run into them or see them in group settings with mutual friends. but i don't agree that being friends is always the "classiest" option, and you can absolutely hope for your ex to be happy even if you aren't friends.

it seems counterintuitive in some respects, but the best thing you can do for the possibility of reconciliation is to keep your distance. don't let yourself be pigeonholed as a "friend," because it's so hard to dig your way out of that one and you probably won't be satisfied with that kind of relationship. chances are she will just get comfortable with having you there as a friend, and it will be so comfortable for her in that place of friendship that she will have no good reason to leave it. i know how i see my guy friends, and the more "friendly" we are, the less i can imagine myself dating them. NC or LC is your best option. forcing her to live a life without you is the surest way for her to find out if she wants to be with you romantically. and if she's comfortable with THIS life--a life in which you two are no longer together--then there's your answer: you were never meant to be.

i'm going through a breakup, wish for a reconciliation but know deep down that it is impossible in my situation ... at least for a very long time. i think you can't really be friends with an ex until you've completely accepted the idea of never being together EVER again. otherwise your desire to be friends will always have a bit of an ulterior motive, and i believe that having unrequited love for someone is a pain that outweighs the pleasure of friendship. just my opinion, though.

congratulations! those moments of seeing the ex after so long can be really hard for some. seeing my ex out (and with a new girl) is pretty much the only thing i'm still worried about. the fact that she didn't even say hi says a lot about her...a gracious person would have at least said hello. i'm glad you handled it well and didn't let it ruin your fun.

It was a chance encounter, though, that really jarred me so badly. I hadn't been looking for her on purpose; I found her by accident on the page of someone I thought would be the last person on earth to befriend her. i realize that you came accross that information on facebook by accident, but you have to take responsibility for the future. no one's chiding you for coming accross that, it was unexpected, but you need to realize that you have the ability to dramatically decrease the chance of that happening in the future by controlling your internet use. for example, try just going on to check messages or your own wall, and don't let yourself read the info on other's walls, even if you think coming accross hurtful information is a really slight possibility. it won't hurt you to spend less time on facebook...if anything, you'll enrich your life by limiting your time on a computer and instead going out into the world. you should also think about telling all your friends to never tell you a THING about your ex to decrease the "rumor mill" factor. ignorance is BLISS in this sort of situation. it's time for you to start living your life free of concerns about what he's doing or who he's with. the less you know, the less your head will go to these places. you're completely allowed to still be hurting, any sensitive person cannot fault you for that. but take some control back by doing your part in monitoring the information flow. and i think if you see him in a year, you're going to care a LOT less than you think you do right now. right now he's very much someone you love and care about. at that point, he'll be someone you USED to love and care about. you'll basically be strangers. plus, you have no idea where you'll be in a year--physically, emotionally, or mentally--so no use predicting.

i think the way you phrased the subject--"how long have you NC before they call to get back together?"--is quite telling. it sounds like you're expecting NC to automatically make your lover call after a certain amount of time--or if you're not expecting it, that's what you're hoping for. if a person is confident enough in his decision to break up with you, it's not going to matter what you do or don't do. people move on. your ex may be a little surprised if you completely cut contact, but that doesn't mean he's going to change his mind. he may even be relieved that you aren't pestering him with calls, begging and pleading. he might be HAPPY. i still think NC is the best way to go, though, and i encourage you to do it. you are giving your ex a chance to experience life completely without you. you just have to realize that your ex may very well decide that he can live without you--which is not your fault, but it's a reality you will probably have to accept. but like they say, if you set the butterfly free and it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. if your ex is happier being free or with someone else, it was never meant to be in the first place, and you're meant for someone else.

hmmm. why did the two of you break up? it's very hard to go from being lovers, to close friends, and back to lovers. usually, once you're "friendzoned" you never make it back out. but this might be one of those questions that you have to get answered. i think you're just going to keep hurting yourself if you don't find out once and for all. just ask yourself if you're comfortable with what could happen if he says he doesn't want to get back together--would you stay friends with him?

I guess I was assuming (w/ no grounds for making that assumption, really) that he'd send me a nice reply, which may not (probably will not) be the case at all ... yeah, and even if he did send you a nice reply, it would only give you that much more reason to believe he's a great guy, which could make you nostalgic, miss him, etc. work on trying to become indifferent to him. good luck, stay strong!

i've learned that it's a risky proposition to look at any person as "better" than another, and it's a false way to boost your self-esteem. even if you (and i mean that as the universal "you," not you, razerbladez) are one of those people who often tells himself he's better than others, it can be easy to turn it around on yourself and think another person is better than YOU when something like a breakup happens. best not to look at people in terms of dualities, and understand that most of us are on a pretty equal plane, with the exception of extreme examples (i.e. murderers). after a breakup, i think the best way to look at it is: i loved my ex, he was great, but i am an amazing person. it was a mistake to cut me loose, and his loss if he doesn't want to recognize it. when you start looking at it that way, then you should be able to boost your self-esteem without a doubt. i agree with you though, no point in stressing over a human being who is no better (or worse) than you.

i think that since you both still care a lot about your exes, you will be very vulnerable to whatever they have to say. a nice response could leave you hoping for a reconciliation that may never occur...a curt response could leave you very hurt...and no response will probably make you feel terrible. even if you don't read into what is said, you're way better off doing NC and STICKING TO IT. like relationship coach said, your well-wishes will accomplish nothing anyway.

rob, that was a good post. just wanted to respond to a few things you said. Be confident in yourself, and have some pride within yourself. I know that i am a great person and I know that she will have a ahrd time replacing that. i think this is the best thing you can do. because the truth is, your ex COULD date this girl for a while. it is within the realm of reality, and if not this girl, eventually he will find someone and stick with her...eventually, we all do. if he enters a real relationship anytime soon, you might start to hurt wondering how he could be with another, and seemingly love her more. but if you believe in yourself at the end of the day, that's all that matters. what's important is what you know and feel, and if you tell yourself that you are irreplaceable, and find reasons to believe in that, then that will be your comfort at the end of the day. and you can assure yourself that he is missing out by not being with you. are you a good cook? affectionate? well-read? great in bed? tell yourself everything that you're good at, everything that he's going to have a hard time finding elsewhere. SO uplifting. but definitely let the ex play the field out. i agree with this. as much as it hurts to see your ex with someone else, don't take it personally. your ex is looking for love and/or companionship just like everyone else, and he's probably going to take a few wrong turns along the way, too. and don't assume that your relationship didn't mean anything to him just because he's starting to date after a few months. Who knows what happens in the future and more importantly, you realize what you had when you dont have it anymore...so if you were truly a good ex to them, they can never forget that. i tend to think that it's not the best idea to focus on anything, or any outcome, that hinges on how your ex will react to something. true, he might remember that you were a great girlfriend and come running back, but you can never be certain that ANYONE will see you for who you are, even if you're an amazing person. just because you are something doesn't mean he will recognize it. your ex could start to date someone else and be more into her even if she's not as great of a girlfriend as you are...sometimes, that's just the way the world works. i just mean to point this out because even if he doesn't wake up and come back, it doesn't mean that you aren't special or worthy of being missed by him. the decisions and thought processes of others are beyond control, unpredictable, and not worth pinning your hopes on.