loveisaparadox

I feel really guilty about this, and I just need to post for some feedback. I have a daughter with my ex, she's under two years old, and we broke up shortly after my daughter was born. We live very far apart but managed to keep up regular visits for a year, while hoping we could repair the relationship. Eventually, she gave up. We both agreed to take some time apart, like several months, with NC. The truth is, I still want my family back together, and I never stopped believing that she is "the one." But I knew I had to let her go, to heal and even to demonstrate that I do love her. It has only been three weeks, but even now I can't imagine ever talking to her or seeing her again. There has been so much pain. What I feel guilty about is: I even feel my bond to my daughter slipping away. I guess emotionally, I never separated my daughter from her mother - it's difficult to establish a 'relationship' with a young baby who isn't talking or really expressing herself yet. I absolutely adore my daugher, and when I'm with her, I'm an *amazing* father. But now I feel them both slipping away. I don't think I can ever accept that my ex will establish a life with another partner. And I don't think I will be an effective father to my child. Not anymore. There's too much pain involved. I've never argued about child support payments - I'm not trying to get out of my responsibility as a parent. But it just seems that this process of letting my ex go and moving on with my life, I'm also letting my daughter go. That probably sounds horrible, but it's something I'm feeling, and I needed to get it off my chest. I just don't think I'm emotionally built for the whole step parent / broken family thing. Is it better to force myself into that situation and be a miserable parent, or do I just write it off and move on with my life? I honestly don't think my daughter will even remember me, she's so young. Perhaps, when she is older, she'll seek me out. I would never shut my door to her. But I feel like I need to shut the door to my ex, unless she changes (unlikely but possible). She says we need to learn how to be friends because "we will always be connected." Maybe this is just anger and resentment talking, but I feel like she really treated me badly, and I don't see why I have to stay connected to her. I guess I would do it for my daughter, but like I said, even that bond is slipping away. So be honest with me. Maybe you think I'm a terrible person for feeling this way.

Your gf's email gave me chills - it sounded so much like something my ex would have written. In some ways, it was a similiar situation. The only thing worse than having something and losing it is having something, losing it, getting it back and then losing it again! I know. I've been there. It's like regret x2. And you wonder what all the hard work was for. The thing is, all the same "rules" apply, and you can't control someone else's behaviour. It sounds like she needs to do some work on herself and if I were you, I'd be the one to let her go rather than wait for her to pull the plug. You know the old Sting song? If you love somebody, set the free ... It sucks, I know.

As most things with love seem to work, you do the opposite thing to get the result you want I know what it's like to want to let go of all that junk. The truth is, you did the best you could at the time, and you just have to let the junk process in its own time. It will.

I can relate, right down to the cancelled wedding invitation. When we were still in communication, she would guess at the kind of person I would date next, and then message me the next day with some misc. comment about wishing we were still hanging out as friends. It's all bull****. The only thing that made me feel better, and empowered, was cutting off communication entirely. Of course, things come down the grapevine. But she is absolutely forbidden to call me, email me, msg me. She called the other day and hung up when I answered. I didn't call back. It has to be 100%. You need to heal, fully.

I know how you feel. After a year of back and forth, and sometimes having a romantic relationship, my ex gf said she just wanted to be friends. I said no. And from that point on, we have been totally broken up. All along, she had complained that our friendship, our "connection", was lacking. But you know what - from my perspective, there was nothing wrong with our friendship and connection. And once I realized that, I realized that the problem was with her inability to connect, not with mine. I don't know if this is similar to your situation, but you have to know what you want. It sounds like you wanted the whole package. She didn't. So what are you going to do, sell yourself short? No. It's up to her to change now. And if she doesn't, then yes, she's lost. You absolutely did the right thing. And when you get over the grief and loss, you will feel good about standing up for what you want.

When you get fired from a job, there is usually some logical reason, like you came to work late too many times, your performance sucked, the company is making cutbacks ... But with love, I'm afraid there is no logic. I broke up with a gf once, and I wasn't able to tell her why, I just knew I had to get away from her. Many years later, she asked me, "why did you break up with me then?" and I finally knew: it was me. Sorry if that sounds like a cliche, but I wasn't in a place where I was emotionally capable of continuing with the relationship. I also wasn't in a place where I was emotionally capable of understanding the concept of not being emotionally capable So the good news: it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Let it go. You'll get an answer one day, if you still care.

Hang in there, chedda. The progress was not for nothing - the progress was for *you*. The fact that you and I have children involved definitely makes the process more complicated. But stay focused, brother - the process is for US to get healthy, to get through this and ultimately to get over it. I don't know about you, but I've reached the point where I don't even want my ex back - even though I still love her. How could I ever be with someone who has disrespected me like this, and put her own confusion ahead of the welfare of our child? I was given some excellent advice today - I was told to start writing a journal for my daughter. I'll write something about once per week, about how much I miss her and how none of this has anything to do with her. Without saying anything disparaging about my ex, I want my daughter to know that I am heartbroken over losing both of them, and that it's okay to make mistakes in life as long as you learn from them. Keep up the hard work, you will get through this, and so will I, and we will be strong again.

re: regretful feelings That's a good question, icarus, and I've been looking for answers myself. Sometimes the regret is almost intolerable, but I try to stay focused on the fact that they are just feelings and with the help of my friends and family, I can get through *any* feelings that crop up. Specifically with regards to regret, I remind myself that if I could go back to the same situation without knowing what I know now, I would probably have reacted the same way. The fact is, I made decisions in the past, and they were the best decisions I could make based on what I knew at the time and where I was emotionally. I had no idea I was setting myself up for two years of hell. That's how strongly I believed I was doing the *right* thing at the time. Of course, I have learned from my mistakes, as you have. It is unfortunate that the learning has come with such great loss, but I now accept that sometimes great loss is required to knock the sense into us to enact real change. Keep your fingers crossed. Perhaps the real *true* love of our life is down the road, and we will be thankful for having suffered through these learning experiences so that we are prepared for that relationship.

You are right about loving deep - the risk is, of course, deep loss. And that's where I am now. But if not experiencing the loss means not experiencing the love, forget it. I would rather live hard and learn from my mistakes, any day. Unfortunately, I happened to choose a partner with a very low threshold for bull****. The compromise for learning some very important stuff about myself (and relationships in general) is losing her. The upside is, nothing catastrophic happened ... lots of big emotions, but no serious baggage to take away from this other than sadness and some regret.

I totally relate to the spoilt child comments. I was feeling hostile in my relationship because she insisted in having our child where she lived, near her friends and family (understandable) and she wanted to stay there for at least a year post-birth. The difficult part was that my business, and thus our source of income, was where I lived, about 4,000 km away. Honestly, I should have accepted the situation for what it was, and made the best of it. But instead, the child in me took over, and I * * * * *ed about the cold weather (it was like -30 in the winter where she lived) and * * * * *ed about how difficult it was to run my business and I refused to socialize with her friends because I was feeling so disrespected. I felt like I wasn't getting what I wanted, I felt like what I wanted was not unreasonable, and so I refused to cooperate with what she wanted. It was like a war of attrition. One of us had to back down, and it should have been me - after all, she was pregnant. And therein lies the Truth of what happened, and now the source of my regret and torment. I have lost her, probably for good. The emotional charge between us is so volatile we can't even communicate right now. I'm pretty sure she is with someone else, which is creating a whole new level of resentment - being "replaced" as a father to my child. It's so easy to see all of this now. But at the time, in the middle of it, I was ruled by my inner child and my ego, and I managed to wear down her love and trust. Total sabotage.

Looking back on the rough periods that led to the breakup with my gf over a year ago, I feel like I may have sabotaged the relationship to some degree. I don't know why, because I was really in love with her, but maybe subconsciously I thought I didn't deserve to be so happy. For sure, we both did or failed to do certain things that brought on the end, but in retrospect I feel like I was particularly difficult about some things that just seem so petty and unsubstantial now. Does anyone feel like this, like they sabotaged their relationship and then regretted losing the person when things got out of control?

I absolutely experienced true love with my ex, we even had a daughter together, a true love child. It took me 35 years before I actually met a soul mate, a kindred spirit. The story of how we met and fell in love is undeniably romantic, but I can't get into the details right now, the pain is still too fresh. Leonard Cohen says it perfectly: I loved you for a long, long time I know this love is real It don't matter how it all went wrong That don't change the way I feel And I can't believe that time's Gonna heal this wound I'm speaking of There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure for love I'm aching for you baby I can't pretend I'm not I need to see you naked In your body and your thought I've got you like a habit And I'll never get enough There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure for love There ain't no cure for love There ain't no cure for love All the rocket ships are climbing through the sky The holy books are open wide The doctors working day and night But they'll never ever find that cure for love There ain't no drink no drug (Ah tell them, angels) There's nothing pure enough to be a cure for love I see you in the subway and I see you on the bus I see you lying down with me, I see you waking up I see your hand, I see your hair Your bracelets and your brush And I call to you, I call to you But I don't call soft enough There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure for love I walked into this empty church I had no place else to go When the sweetest voice I ever heard, whispered to my soul I don't need to be forgiven for loving you so much It's written in the scriptures It's written there in blood I even heard the angels declare it from above There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure for love There ain't no cure for love There ain't no cure for love All the rocket ships are climbing through the sky The holy books are open wide The doctors working day and night But they'll never ever find that cure, That cure for love

I've been right where you are, and I made the mistake of "doing the work" to show her - not to heal myself. I think true healing and change can only take place where there is true *loss* - i.e., you must really let her go and really believe that it is over for good. That glimmer of hope we carry around in our heart, it's the most destructive thing you can do to your own healing process.

I know what you are going through. You say you feel like you are on death row waiting to be finished off. I'm going to be blunt: you have put yourself there and only you have the power to get your a** off death row. You have a beautiful opportunity to take the lead and end the relationship, on your terms. I think it's the best move you can make, because she obviously doesn't know what she wants right now, and chances are, she's going to pull the plug on you again. Just because you've done the work and made yourself a better person, doesn't mean she has or *ever* will. That's up to her. And if she figures it out, maybe there's an opportunity for you two down the road. Be proud of yourself for the hard work you've done. You can't control someone else's behaviour.

The last poster had some really good things to say, especially the importance of grieving. You have to get the grief out first, even if that means setting aside some time every day (like 15 minutes) to cry. Eventually, you'll start saying to yourself, this is ridiculous, I don't want to be here anymore. Here's what I have found useful with regards to obsessively thinking about your ex. There's almost no point in trying to push the thoughts away. You will just end up repressing them and they'll find another way to make you miserable. But what you can do is adjust the *values* you hold regarding your ex. Think about the things you didn't like about him/her. There must have been times that even you doubted the relationship. Why? Think about every time that person let you down, hurt your feelings, didn't know what YOU needed in the relationship. Explore the Truth of your relationship, and dispel the illusion of what you thought it was or would be. That's how you change your values.