joyce1412

thanks guys! i believe i may be at my turning point, either that or it is coming very soon...i found out that my ex might be with another and it was a big wake-up call to get over it. i know there's still pain ahead, but hopefully just the last pains of separation, of moving on. *crosses fingers* keep the stories coming, eh?

there's nothing there for me. that was the life she wanted to choose over the one we had. that's a good perspective to take. good for you. sometimes it's also difficult to remember the things we are fortunate to have, even when they surround us every day.

hey there. i wanted to take a random survey and ask what you think your turning point was in getting over your ex, if there was one. what was the day, or week, or month, that you really felt like getting on with life and getting past the breakup? that you started to resume life as normal and stopped obsessing, etc.? that you wanted to meet and date other people? and when did it happen? looking to be inspired...thanks.

hey karen, i'm glad to be of help. well, this is what i gather and what you have probably already figured out: you have unfortunately dug a pretty deep hole for yourself. you brought a certain amount of drama to the relationship and by calling him that night and saying you didn't love him...that probably "confirmed" the negative things he had been thinking about you. if you two have ANY future contact, be sure to not do ANYTHING that puts you in the realm of confirming his analysis of you and why you two won't work. i understand why you did it, you must have been so hurt by the breakup and his minimal contact with you. but the trick is, if you really do want someone back, you have to put aside the hurt and anger and never give him any ammunition against you by behaving badly. my ex was a total jerk to me, but the truth is, i have done and will do everything in my power to not give him any reason to think i am bitter, or jealous, or petty since he has broken up with me. instead i will give him no more reasons to support the decision he made. i'm biased ( but i think losing me was the biggest mistake he ever made, and i'll prove it. i'll prove it to the world and to myself and to him. you said, "I also remember him telling him once after an argument that he thought that maybe I continued having bad reactions b/c he allowed me to act that way." i think that's definitely true. i think it's human nature to do whatever we frigging feel like if we think we can get away with it, even if it sometimes hurts the people we love. i cringe about some of the things i did in my relationship, little things i did here and there because i thought he put up with it or it didn't really affect him. truth is, i still don't know what annoyed him about me, but i do know there were certain ways i took him for granted, and just knowing that hurts. all the bad behavior affects the people we love, it's just that sometimes they're mature enough to not show it. maybe one thing you can work on is being your best self at all times, without consideration to what you can get away with, and pulling back on all unnecessary drama and talking through things instead of doing the "silent treatment" (god knows women love that one, i know i do!) i have a feeling about a lot of people on these boards, that if they got back together with their exes, they'd be the best boyfriends or girlfriends in the world...for about a month or two, tops. then they'd go back to their old ways. i think your ex might think this about you, hence the reason he's staying away. he doesn't believe you can REALLY change for good. and apologies will get you nowhere at this point because he's already tired of hearing them. he doesn't believe that an apology from you means, "i will never do it again." you can't blame him, because the same behaviors have kept popping up from you. so the question is--CAN you change for good? not just to win back your ex, but because you want to? do you want to become a better person and be a better communicator in fights? do you want to resist petty verbal jabs and try to be gracious instead? i think changing for good would be a way better triumph than getting back your ex. it would say a lot about you. and like i said before, you can know deep down, "well he thought i wouldn't change, and i did, and now i'm an even better person. i'd be an excellent girlfriend. too bad he doesn't have me." at this point, change is all you've got. that's the first thing you can do that could even remotely bring back your ex for good. i seriously doubt that will be the last time you and your ex ever speak. you'll probably run into each other somewhere, maybe (MAYBE) he'll even call sometime. (i want to resist getting your hopes up because hope is a killer after a breakup.) all you can do is hope for the best, whether that's a life with or without your ex, and try to change--like you said, work on yourself so you'll be in a better condition to see him. and maybe your ex will see it, too.

i understand. i actually felt that way a while ago. it's happened before that a guy has come running back when i stopped caring about him, which is why i wanted to believe it would happen for me this time. but i gave myself advice sort of like the advice i gave you, because i knew i wasn't GENUINELY "letting go."

hey karen, that link didn't work for me, but if it was your very first post detailing your breakup, i read it. well, based on what you wrote, it does sound like your behavior caused some drama and stress. it must be hard for you since your ex specifically cited your behavior as the reason for the breakup, so you do have to deal with feeling like you drove him off. when i think about the things i did to mess up the relationship...man. it hurts. those are some of my saddest moments. i think about the times i knew we were already on thin ice, and then i made a big deal out of this or that, and i think, god, how could i? but you can't change the past. the past is gone and it's never coming back. it doesn't matter anymore, it really doesn't. i know this doesn't help you in terms of your ex, but all you can do is handle what you have in the present. one of the reasons you're so upset by the breakup is that your ex saw these behaviors and you KNEW what you were doing was wrong. think about it: if your ex said he wanted to break up because of x or y, and you didn't think you needed to change x or y about yourself, you'd say, "well, screw you then. i don't care what you think," and then you would move on. the way i see it, getting you to like yourself again, and correcting some of your flaws, is half the battle. half of the pain you are going through is knowing that you don't like yourself the way you are. i think you'll start to feel a lot better when you fix whatever it is about yourself that bothers both you and your ex. at least then you can say, "well, my ex was wrong about me that i wouldn't change. i'm an even better person and it's his loss he didn't want to stick around!" i think after a breakup, what really matters is what you know deep in your heart. i know deep in my heart that i'm a great catch, and i loved my ex completely, and put up with a lot of trials due to his constantly being away...trials that a lot of women wouldn't put up with. it is because of what i KNOW about me, and how deeply i felt for him, that i KNOW my ex should regret losing me, even if he never does. deep in your heart you'll know that you gave it your best shot at the time, and you are an even greater person now and will be even better a few months from now, so it's his loss that he gave up. once you've worked on yourself, there may still be the pain of feeling like you missed your chance with your ex. it sounds like you really cared for him, but like i said, i'm sure you did the best you could at the time. everyone has their flaws, even your ex. but he did not accept you for you, flaws and all. while i do believe you could benefit from working on yourself, i think you will also find someone who will love you even with all your idiosyncrasies. how come you cannot be friends with him? has he rejected you? i have to say though, it would probably be hard even if he wanted to. you might have to face facts that he is over you, or even see him move onto someone else. those are certainly some of my top reasons for not being friends with my ex (they sit high on the list with "he's a jerk and broke my heart." i think my ex was my first true love, too...my first serious relationship as well. you're right, it doesn't make it any easier. wow, that was a novel! hope that helps. have a better day tomorrow.

I just feel like there is something missing in me. I feel like I dont have any heart. you aren't alone. i feel the same way. even though i am feeling better about moving on, finding someone new, i still feel empty. I just want to care about something again. I just have no passion for anything anymore. Everything seems like a quick fix, I want to get my zest for life back. I just think maybe I dont have closure, I dont know what is wrong with me. somehow i doubt that you getting "closure" is the one thing that's keeping you from being your regular, happy self. you do, however, seem very haunted by the ghost of this relationship. most exes just aren't remotely capable of delivering what we want in terms of "closure." it might be hard to pin down what you want from closure anyway. in a past heartbreak, my "closure" was getting my self-esteem back, finding a great new guy (great at the time, now he's my current ex--aahh!), and repositioning my sense of self in a way that didn't rely on this ex's presense in my life, if that makes any sense. i realized i was relying on my ex to define who i was, to shape me. i had no idea who i was without his contribution to my life. maybe your identity was very much wrapped up in this girl and that's why you're having a hard time. i imagine you're probably also still a touch depressed, which is why you're not passionate about/interested in things anymore. it's always very difficult for a person who's depressed to get involved in and excited about ANYTHING. apathy is a big part of depression. but the kicker is, you're going to get even more depressed if you can't find anything to get excited about. just make yourself do things, and you'll have little moments of, "oh yeah, i remember why i liked to do this," and you'll feel good. and make yourself repeat whatever those things are that make you feel good. I pray everyday that I can just wake up and feel good, like my old self. I feel like I through away my one chance at happiness on this girl who was not worth it. why was this girl your one chance at happiness? do you mean to imply you'll never meet anyone else and fall in love? if so, i seriously doubt that's the case.

Finally I've now realised how I'll know when I've moved on - it'll be at the point at which her 6th sense tells her to come back to me!! some exes do have an uncanny way of showing up just when you've gotten to the point where you don't give a crap anymore... but don't count on it. after all, if you have it in your head that she's going to come back to you when you've "moved on," you'll never really get there. don't just let go...LET GO. and don't do it because it's the magic ingredient for her to come back. i think for you to really move on, there has to be a strong motive deep within your heart that has absolutely nothing to do with your ex.

it sounds like you might be ready to date, especially since you're not expecting much out of it. i was expecting a lot when i started dating and when the guys let me down i just wanted my ex that much more. compared them to him a lot, too. ugh. horrible time. but it sounds like you have a better perspective on things. i also agree with the others about guys being able to sniff out desperation. i think the only guy i've come accross who wasn't into by games and playing hard-to-get was my ex. sad, right? my guess is you're probably just playing it cool, and the fact that you're dating several guys means you can't possibly get too invested in any one guy. you have your own life with many things to do and many male prospects. every guy likes a challenging woman.

again, no mathematical equation, but... the longer a relationship is broken up the less likely it is to get back together. i agree with that. the longer the period after the breakup, the more likely it is that your ex has moved on. but i think that most reconciliations that happen within only a few weeks or months of being broken up are usually just because one or both parties are lonely and depressed...they probably haven't worked out their issues, they just miss each other. so don't be too jealous of those couples.

i took a ceramics class, which i had done a few years ago and enjoyed. i really liked it, and it was the first time in a while that i'd found a hobby and REALLY wanted to stick to it. it wasn't just a fleeting fancy. so that was nice, too, knowing that i didn't have ADD with everything in life! i think picking up a creative hobby after a breakup is fantastic, can be cathartic as well. i recently started working out, and all the great things people say about it are actually true. shocker! the summer internship i had been doing i decided to continue doing this fall semester. i've only had summer jobs before, and it makes me feel accomplished, like i am a part of something special as well as part of a good group of people. as for "do we all want them back?" i really did want a second chance, and to a degree still want it, BUT at this point i understand that he's not coming back, and i am dealing with that with mixed success. now i just hope that i never have to see him again.

i remember when i first came on these boards i wanted to hear happy endings/success stories just like you. but you know what i now wish people had told me then? to stop hoping. if i had stopped hoping sooner i think i would have started feeling a lot BETTER, SOONER. there is a chance you and your ex will get back together. there's always a chance. it's just that it's very slim, and hearing every success story in the world doesn't mean that it's going to happen for you. i feel that the people in my life (friends, family) who gave me hope for getting back with my ex actually did me a disservice. i hung onto their words even as every signal my ex gave me indicated that he didn't want me back. the truth is, most people will have many failed relationships before their final, hopefully lifelong relationship. i'm confident that you have that last, great relationship coming your way. those who move on the fastest are the ones who accept the end ASAP. you are much better off moving on and getting to a place where you feel good about yourself, your life, and stop pining for a person who doesn't want you or love you the way you deserve. all i know is, here i am five months out of my relationship, only just now beginning to accept that it's over FOREVER, and holding out for my ex has made me very unhappy. i hope the same thing doesn't happen to you.

Is there any programme or tips anyone can give me to find this closure/acceptance before I go insane. I can't speak to my family and friends anymore as they are like - look what he is done - what are you getting upset about him for. not a program per se, but it seems one of the best things i've done for myself is accept that my ex is never coming back. i looked at all that facts and realized that he was NOT behaving like a guy who wanted me back. hearing a few weeks ago that he might be dating someone else also did it for me. it's been extremely rough lately, but wondering if he'd want me back kept me muddling through the early stages of grief, and now i think i'm toward the end. phew. so, plain old acceptance--it's a great help.

Call your friends and talk to as many close people that you know you can always "bug" about. Seriously, if you know they know that it will help you and don't mind, talk to them for hours, I was able to do that. Great friends (especially one) and family (sister in this case) i definitely second this. i don't know what i would have done without my friends, my cousin, my mom. one thing i've noticed, though, is that you have to watch for what kind of advice they're giving. i had a lot of friends giving me hope that my ex would come back (turns out they were just as blindsided by the breakup as me!) this is NOT good. it's sweet of them to try to make you feel better, but it keeps you in fantasyland. tell them that you want to talk about it, but that they shouldn't entertain ANY ideas of you getting back with your ex. there are other types of unhelpful advice-giving/support as well. for example, a friend might trash your ex thinking it will make you feel better, while it might actually make you feel like a loser for dating him. politely tell them what works for you and what doesn't. the best thing my friends and family have done for me was to boost my self-esteem and remind me that it's his loss. at the end of the day, that's what really has to stick: that you know you have worth, that you know you are wonderful and beautiful, and that you don't deserve abandonment and will find someone who will never leave you. be shameless about asking for your friends to compliment you and boost you up if it doesn't come easily to them. me, i had a guy friend who never failed to let me know how fantastic he thinks i am, and what he said makes me feel better even on my lowest of low days.

i'm sorry karen. i've been having a rough week as well. for different reasons, but a terribly rough week nevertheless. (actually, i'm at five months since the breakup and about two months NC--we're almost in sync, sorta?) it sounds like it would be a really good idea for you to be single right now. i'm sorry things didn't work out with this guy leaving, but maybe it's a blessing. wouldn't it be nice to know by the time you do get in a relationship that you can stand on your own two feet? that you can be okay without the support of a guy? i think some time spent on recovery and devoting yourself to YOU would be pretty great. if you feel like you want to call the ex, post here. i'll do my best to respond, that's for sure! you're welcome to PM me as well. strangely, like you, i've had the teeniest urge to call my ex lately, which is weird because NC was always easy for me. however, i find it helpful to consider how a conversation would go with my ex, and what would result from it if i actually were to call him. i can say with certainty he would be glad to hear from me, because he's already badgered me about being "friends," and i don't think i'm flattering myself unnecessarily by saying that i'm sure he misses my company. but that's pretty much it--it would be a cordial conversation, we'd be "friends" and he STILL wouldn't want to be with me. when i think about it that way, calling him doesn't sound so grand. can you do the same thing for yourself? just try to imagine the situation in the realm of reality and not fantasy, because then you'll remember that you're not going to get what you WANT out of the call, so not calling becomes much easier. see what i mean? as for "messing it up" with this guy, do you really think you screwed it up? i don't know the situation so much but i doubt your guy is leaving the country because of you! but let's say you did repeat some of the same mistakes of your last relationship--big deal. you live and you learn. i believe it's a buddhist philosophy that i read that says life will present the same problems and situations to you over and over until you learn from them and correct the behavior. (okay, it sounded better the way it was originally phrased, but i'm doing my best here!) maybe these two guys were put in your life so you could learn that lesson for good. let us know how you're doing. and by the way, i HEAR things do get better...

to me it sounds like this girl not only really shattered your heart, but had a great effect on your self-esteem. if you had higher self-esteem i don't think you would care about her so much this late in the game. i think you would see her for the jerk she is and move on...but i could be wrong. you still have so many emotions wrapped up in this girl that i think contacting her would be making yourself extremely vulnerable. also, when you say something like this: I think I'm going to back of, don't contact, but if she calls me in the future I am going to talk to her and have open arms. i get scared for you because i feel like if you speak, you will indeed welcome her with open arms, and by not keeping your guard up she will hurt you. she has already shown her potential to do this to you with little regard for your feelings. really, just reread what you wrote: I suffered all year, everday pain just building inside of me. Trying to hold back tears which only lead to nervous break downs later. She texted me to try and "be friends". It hurt even worse. She told me "You know I used to like you". Totally shutting me down after its like I already know that, I mean she left me waiting for an answer and then her answer was me finding out from other people she got back with her ex. Very cruel. honestly, i hope you abstain from calling her, and set higher standards for the kind of people to whom you give the privilege of being in your life, lovers or otherwise. good luck handling all this.

ummm...so your girlfriend has made fun of you behind your back with another man? i could never do that to someone i love or loved. to make someone your private joke is downright cruel...but someone who you are in a relationship with, who loves you? that's insane to me. sorry you're going through this crap, i hope you find someone better.

hey there. i also felt good dating after the end of the relationship, although it seems i started doing it a bit sooner than you. initially, it was great! i fell asleep thinking of the possibilities with the new guy and my self-esteem was where it should be. i felt very optimistic about things. there were a few problems with what i was doing, though: 1. it was way too soon--only about a month and a half out of my one and a half year relationship 2. it was with guys that i thought were kinda cute and fun, had some things in common with them, but i knew before we even dated that we had major incompatibilities. (for the record, one didn't have a steady job and didn't really plan on getting one; one was only in my city for the summer; the last guy was hot, but WEIRD, as in so weird i could barely take thirty minutes of him.) 3. i pinned WAY TOO MUCH hope on them working out, and when they didn't, i longed for my ex even more. provided that you don't have these problems you should be okay. it seems you've been out of your relationship for several months now, which is great. that's a good start. the only thing that concerns me is when you say this: I can't explain how I feel and how I just kicked this thing overnight but believe me victims, hang in there and it will happen. Just don't look back and don't ever think about a future with your ex. Realize that better things are in your future. i don't mean to bring you down, but you are probably on a high because you've got these dates coming up. you CAN'T kick it overnight. trust me, when i was dating i thought i'd done it too. i know you are feeling optimistic right now, but it's unlikely that you are done grieving for your ex simply because of these girls. you might have some more down days in your future, but that's okay. that's normal. even if you really hit it off with one of them, pain may still lie ahead. just a warning. so good luck with these ladies, and if it doesn't work out, just remember that you said THIS: Now I'm fully aware that nothing could come out of either of these situations but if nothing else I've learned that I can love again, and date again, and dream about the possibilities of being in love with someone else. which is the best thing that you can take from dating anyway. again, good luck!

i did not have to personally break non contact with my ex because she finally got a hold of me. talking to her was painful but cathartic. she was like a cold block of granite. the only emotion she showed was anger. she was upset that i have not yet moved on and she could tell this from my voice. i did not bother telling her in my own words how i felt, and simply answered her questions factually. i gave her no guilt trip, although any hu(man) in my position probably would have. the tone of her voice and the cold distance therein told me that it is not worth it. the ship has sailed for good. i know how to swim, so it is up to me to stop drowning. thanks everyone and be well. DAMN. what was her reason for calling you, then? and i don't understand why she's angry with you for "not moving on." weren't YOU the one who got hurt? i'm really sorry talking to her was such a letdown. you didn't need that. i wonder why she tried to call so many times if she clearly had nothing important to say? after reading your first few posts i figured she would have been calling to ask to get back with you. wow... i'm so sorry. this girl is cold.

i can't imagine how difficult that must be. i'm so sorry. geez...my best advice would be to see a therapist. to me that seems like a person who would truly be equipped to talk to you about your situation. i don't know how it is overseas but i hope there are psychological services for you. meanwhile, while you're still in the US, can you convince your wife to do couples therapy? you could even do a combination of individual and couples therapy; the individual therapy could help you work on your coping skills and give you an outlet to vent, while the couples therapy could attack specifically the issues in the relationship.

It's better, far better, not to try to understand her actions or motives. It's important only to accept what happened. The fact is, you will never know and the more you try to "figure her out" the less you will move past the pain. true. the psychoanalyzing has to stop at some point.

dan, i'm so sorry. what she is putting you through is the definition of mixed messages. like it is for many others here, i think this breakup is about your ex, not you. she's obviously very confused about what she wants but still has feelings for you that are causing her to try to hold onto you. as i'm sure you noticed, she completely contradicted herself in that conversation. it looks like she's TRYING to be a good person and a good friend to you by telling you to move on, but she's clearly not willing to completely let go. she DOES want you there waiting in case she wants you back. that much is clear. reading your post reminded me of something. there was a boy i knew in high school, one of my best friends actually. i was basically in love with him for most of our friendship. he knew this, and dragged me this way and that with his moodiness and his alternating between wanting me and not wanting me. i believe that the times i spent being sad over him were some of the most miserable times of my teenage life. but i let him make me sad. i let him ruin my time in high school. i let him ruin it by not moving on and dumping this jerk as a friend. so you know what i remember when i look back at high school? a whole lot of misery. that's your motivation for moving on. you're 17 right now, in high school i assume, and some people will argue with me, but i think high school can be a pretty cool time in your life...some enjoy it more than others, but it's definitely a defining time for many people. holding onto this girl is only going to leave you with an unhappy life in the present and many sad and regretful memories of wasting your teenage life pining after a girl who doesn't REALLY care about you. most people in high school are damn fickle. it's the nature of the 17 year-old beast to be fickle, immature, and selfish. your ex is probably a normal 17 year-old girl who just isn't as mature as some. it's her problem, not yours. but you need to MOVE ON because you just can't rely on someone like this. putting your happiness in her hands is a risky venture, and i want to see you have a high school career that will make you smile when you look back on it. don't waste your youth if at all possible. as someone just four years older, that's my two cents. i was where you are not too long ago, and i really wish i hadn't spent so much time there, in that painful place. i hope that helps. and also, just so you know...once i got over that dude who was holding me back, i had the best year of my life. that was SO worth letting go of him.

dont know what went on, i am not even sure if he still had his party, i dont want to know anything...thats 1 event passed great! don't ask for any information just as you have already done. i know the temptation is great, trust me...just ten minutes ago i had the urge to check the myspace of this girl my ex might be seeing. but you don't do it, even though you're dying to, because that's the path to healing as well as indifference. you can't stop caring if you're still checking up, still looking, still digging for dirty details... and don't hesitate to let your friends know that you don't want to hear about that stuff. luckily, if you have mostly guy friends (which you probably do), they're a lot better at being discreet about these things. i'm sure they'll be happy to do it if they know it's helping you. plus, with their outsider perspective on this relationship and knowing how badly she's treated you, i bet they're MORE than happy to help you get over her.

ask your friends, they would know better it's an interesting thing, getting advice from the friends...i actually think i have gotten way better advice on here. my friends fed into my desire to be unrealistic about the situation, they gave me way too much hope. i was better off coming here, i think i would have accepted the end a lot sooner had i not received those scraps of hope from my friends, who, to be honest, didn't really have a clue what was going on in my relationship, as most of your friends usually don't. i also agree with icemoto, i think he wants to make sure you don't hate him so he can feel better about himself, and i don't think he has intentions of getting back with you. hold your cards close to your chest right now, i've seen many times on this forum that the dumper will pop in just to see how much you still adore him. it's an ego boost for the most part. but like icemoto said, you'll know with certainty if he wants you back, because he will EXPRESS it with certainty, and it won't be with these little text-message games.

i hope its not one of those short phases, or i wake up tomorrow feeling the opposite again. it could be a short phase in that you might go back to being sad or angry tomorrow. however, in the long run, when your healing is done, it will actually be the final phase. so instead, think of your depressed days as the "short phases," and the days where you feel good as a hint of what it will be like in a few months when you don't give a CRAP about your ex. yay!