joyce1412

CR*P, I say! How can someone just turn it off and want to just be friends. I am beginning to think all of the people on here are right. It is her way of dealing with it that doesn't hurt so much. Even if she doesn't mean to, she is using me. To have me around to talk to and joke with, allows here to see me, but STILL not be my GF. If you don't want me, leave me alone already. Of course, we let it happen, because we still want them. I am a little better today, but I certainly know where you are coming from, in that I still want to cry from time to time. Recently, that may have something to do with the fact of what happened when I went home. i agree 100% with your first paragraph. if you think i'm so great, and are so desperate to "hang out," then why did think it was a great decision to leave me and break my heart? and how could you expect any kind of relationship with someone whose heart you broke? however, i disagree with you in that i am SOOOOO never going to be his friend. i will never be his buddy. the breakup screwed up a lot of things in my head, but one thing i feel that i've always been sure of is that if he is going to reject me as a girlfriend and hurt me, i will NEVER emotionally invest in him as a friend and settle for that much less than a real relationship. never. because you're right, he would be using me. using me not only to feel better about the breakup, but about himself. my time and sanity would be compromised. i know he thinks i am funny, kind, fun, and supportive of him, which is why he wants to be my friend. aside from his band members and his family, i really was his only true friend, given that he really hasn't retained any close friends from childhood or even college. and i was a wonderful friend to him. but i'll be damned if i give him that without any commitment and after he was so cavalier with my heart. if he's unhappy or feels that something is missing in his life in my absense (and i know that's a big IF), it's his OWN DAMN FAULT. well, the past couple of days have actually been better. with a difficult roommate and the experience a fender bender today (my fault, UGH), i actually have REAL, immediate problems to deal with that keep me from focusing on my ex. so while life has been sort of crappy lately, ironically, it's given me a vacation from focusing on my ex. i almost feel relieved that things aren't going well in other areas of my life because i feel so distracted from the breakup sadness! how sad, that i need things to go badly to feel normal again. i'm less and less bothered about my ex being in town. i've stopped focusing on running into him in town everywhere i go, although there were a few times when i thought it was him coming through the door at my work. i don't know...maybe until i hear that he has a new girlfriend, some part of me will still think about his return, even if i desire it less and less as time goes on.

hell, everyone wonders. i think about my ex bf from years ago quite often. i think he is a great person and i even wonder if he's seeing anyone, and if so whether it's serious, et cetera. i wonder if he thinks about me also. so yes, i THINK about him a lot, but i would never get back together with him. if you were desperate and particularly "psycho" then i think your ex would be relieved to be rid of the drama, unless the ex is a drama king himself...those types feed off of someone going crazy over them. however, if this is not the case that he thrives on drama...as it's been said before, by acting crazy when your ex dumps you, you continue to prove to him that he was right to dump you.

um...yeah, still don't see why this should work in your favor.

even if a person is very passive when it comes to dating that shouldn't keep him from going after what he wants, if that person he wants is you. he should know that he broke up with YOU and thereforeeee would need to make the first move to get you back. he's not an idiot. if he hasn't made a move to contact you then you have to take this at face value...he's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you, otherwise he'd be in touch. bottom line, only he can decide what he's going to do with his life, and if he's going to make a mistake he's going to make a mistake. as his ex-girlfriend it's not your place to even try to add your two cents. you'll just need to learn how to be okay with whatever decision he makes. you can fret about this day and night and that won't change the fact that your thoughts and actions have NO EFFECT on his decision or course of action. so my advice is, focus on your own life, and trust that things are going to work out for YOU, and it shouldn't even matter where HE takes his life, because it's just going to work out.

it's ridiculous. (just kidding. in all seriousness, yeah, maybe it would change things, and i'm not familiar with your story, but somehow i doubt it would change his mind. i'm sure he still knows that you're beautiful, and if you're more beautiful...well, great. but i doubt he broke up with you because he woke up one day and thought, "ah, walkingwiththeghost, her body fat percentage is just a wee bit high for me. if she shaped up, though, i'd definitely want to be with her." sometimes a physical change can grab an ex's attention. but me, i've lost plenty of weight, i'm a freaking size zero now, and my ex still isn't in love with me. i've just come to accept that the breakup might have been a little bit about me, but more about him, and i don't think i could have made him stay no matter how great i was. maybe it's the same for you. i don't know. why would him being unsure of his sexual orientation make him MORE likely to want to get back with you? that i don't understand. if i were you i would take a sign that you two REALLY shouldn't be together right now, and that he desperately needs some time to figure himself out.

I guess that as time goes by, we are more likely to forget the wrongdoings of the past and end up forgiving. Shows a sign of maturity also. i think so, too. in a few years' time you will go through so many things in life that you can't possibly stay mired in the crap of the past. there's just too much going on to dwell so intensely. and when you find yourself thinking of them again, the hurtful times, they are just facts, rather than memories wrapped up in terrible feelings. IMO, time is much better at bringing about forgiveness than a handful of sorries from the person when you're still in the thick of it.

Its kind of hard to just let it go. When I think of her, I get a blurry image of "him" in my thoughts. Think I will get over it? Or will it haunt me as long as im with her? well, think of the other girls you were with, and what they meant to you. essentially, nothing, right? and she means so, so much to you. so just know that she feels the same way about the guys she was with versus you. you really can move past this.

You can try to break up with someone in the nicest most considerate way, but it's still going to hurt them. It's just one of those things that you can't help, but you should still take their feelings into consideration and do it in the most respectful way. And at the same time still be honest about it. i feel the same. there's not a GOOD way to break up with someone, but there are BETTER ways to break up with someone, and i believe they all entail an in-person conversation.

i've seen more than a few people on here who've gotten the "maybe we can be together later" line from their exes. not only do they probably not get back with their exes, i'd be willing to bet they're better off without these jerks who aren't fully committed to wanting to be with them.

Now 2 weeks later she said i had growing up to do. EW. i'm also 21 and my 25 year-old ex told me that. i mean, as melrich said, you're 21! of course you need to grow up! you might still be in school and may not have even held a full-time job yet, so of course you're not an adult. few people can be an adult at our age. don't fault yourself for that. besides, it is NOT her job to tell you what's wrong with you. after hearing that story i think we should be talking about how ugly a person SHE is versus how immature YOU are. In my experience those that tell us we have some growing up to do , are the ones who need to grow up. specially if it is an ex, who initiated the break up. i very much agree with that. i was willing to work on the problems with my boyfriend while he called me names and hurt me. so who REALLY needs to grow up here?

My ex did this and I didnt acknowledge it. She kept trying other ways to get me to respond, ultimately showing up at my door to point blank tell me she wanted to try again. Until that happens, do nothing. And even if she does show up, tread carefully! All those cliches are cliches for a reason.... my opinion might be unpopular, but i sort of disagree. i forget whose thread it was, but one member wrote a post that one should encourage contact from his ex, while not opening up too much. i imagine it might be a pretty hard blow to the ego for someone to say to her ex, "i've been thinking about you, do you think about me?" and have him respond with nothing. i suppose a good way to respond might be, "how nice of you to think of me. i'm doing well, right now i'm busy with blah blah blah (redecorating my house, a project at work, etc.) and it's going well. good to hear from you, sounds like things are going great on your end. sincerely, ____" something that's cordial but doesn't leave you vulnerable. then again, there IS the argument that if she really wants it, she will ask you point-blank, and hopefully not through email. so i guess i see both sides. good luck friend!

But I'm just wondering..How do you deal with the blow to your ego if your girl/wife left you for another guy? Then too top it off he clearly has more financial security than you.. Has anyone experienced this and how did you deal with it? sorry, i'm not one of the guys, but if he's got you in the financial category that just means you have something on him. could be looks, could be personality, could be intelligence, could be anything. what are the things that stand out about you and that you think are very difficult to find in other men?...well, it's probably that.

Well this is one way how the reaction would be, but that doesn't mean this counts that all the exes will act in the same way =\ next ex migh chase you with a knife -_- you're not understanding me. that's not what the post was about. i wrote it because i thought my ex responded extremely graciously, and if a person wanted a second shot with his or her ex, responding similarly is a good way to go about it. so i wasn't making an example of my approach, not at all. i was pointing out that the way HE approached it was very mature.

he wants to be able to see someone else, but he's pissed that you might do the same. i've seen this many times in broken-up couples, with my friends and family but also on here. but it's important to note that just because he's JEALOUS doesn't mean he wants you back. a lot of dumpers get jealous to see their exes with someone else, but that doesn't motivate them to change their minds. it takes time to completely detach yourself from a relationship, from feeling for someone. hence the mixed signals. it happens. you were jealous people in the relationship, and he's still a jealous person out of the relationship. maybe it's not that he wants you back, but simply that he hasn't changed. i think he's being very immature. and if you're going to try to analyze sentences (i.e. "i don't care anymore"), trust me, you won't get anywhere and you'll drive yourself crazy on top of it.

But when I talk to my brother, close male friends... they all say, "well if you block him on your msn, avoid him... he won't contact you because he's getting the message that you're avoiding him... and if he's anything of a decent guy he'll not contact you either. as an alternative, can you simply remove him from your buddy list? that's what i did to my ex, since he's barely ever on, and i really doubt he'd IM me anyway. as long as i didn't see his name appear when he came online, that was all the mattered to me. i think the blocking is more about you, so you don't have to think about him whenever he signs on, rather than him not being able to contact you. i'm slightly against blocking anyway. i've never done it to anyone because i think it's a bit juvenile. guess i just figured that if i really disliked a person that much, he would know it, and that i'm also a big enough woman that i could tell him in words that i don't appreciate his contact.

in response to thedoctor's post... Just be there for them as they are for you. first of all, for a lot of people here, their exes aren't there for them AT ALL. why should they be "there" for people who have broken their hearts and decided that they are better off without them? and, if you turn it around, continuing to talk to your ex/dumper also has the effect of YOU losing your mystique in their eyes. not to mention, when a person dumps you, he already sees you as significantly less attractive than he used to see you. the physical, mental, and/or emotional attraction has already worn off for him to a degree, so by not cutting them off you are only adding to the waning feelings they have for you. just because a person is in NC doesn't mean she isn't being realistic about what her ex is up to. i think my ex's life is fine without me, but i don't think it's any better than mine. in fact, i have a few reasons to believe it might be worse. as long as you don't waste your time wistfully thinking about your ex's awesome life/relationship/whatever and instead concentrate on YOUR life, i don't see a problem. you simply have to train yourself to not mentally participate in what your ex may or may not be doing. also, a few years ago, i tried to win a person back when he had essentially cut me off. i kept trying to contact him to no avail. 8 or 9 months later, several months after i stopped trying to contact him, HE got in touch with ME to say he was still in love with me and wanted me back. i didn't have to stay in his life for him to still be extremely affected by me, and to miss me. honestly, everyone has their success stories that they've experienced or heard about, and they happen all different ways. but i still think there are WAY too many arguments for NC than there are against it.

Although I had waited and waited for ANY form of contact, well by the time he "resurfaced", I had grown, gotten stronger, and had some perspective at that point, and because his was a simple note: "Thinking about you and would love to see you, just to "talk". At first reading the email I was estatic, then with help of everyone here and my friends, I realized that it was all about HIM. What he "needed", a "fix" or an absolution of his guilt. Well after all my heartache if he could NOT be clear as to his intentions in a lame email (no call) after eight months, I knew my self respecting position was to protect my own heart and not respond, it was the toughest decision I made, but I"m so glad I did, because all he really wanted was to satisfy his curiosity, he wanted to know where I was emotionally, probably just wanted to hear, "it's okay, we can are still cool"... UGH... my ex did something EXACTLY like this just over a month ago. worst part is, we had met in person before and he strung me along, and i let him because i truly thought he was interested. i had come to address a few points in order to get closure, but i have to admit i softened upon seeing him and upon getting what i thought were signals that he was interested again. after this meeting he actually gave me the "so, are we cool?" line, and because i thought we were getting back together i said, "yeah, we're cool." UGH. and THEN...a big, long hug from him, and an "i miss you." GAAAAAAWWWWD. i just get more and more angry thinking about it. but yeah, he emailed me a week later with a sorry excuse for an apology (not to mention an apology email is, in itself, ridiculous), asking to be "friends". and like you, with the help of people here i decided not to email him, even though i wanted to respond by TOTALLY reaming him out. but in a way not responding sends an even stronger message...although i'd be lying if i said he'll ever fully understand, or even TRY to understand, the deep extent to which he hurt me. it was literally the hardest thing i've been through in my entire life. still is. And by my choosing NOT to respond, well NOW he finally realizes I have STANDARDS/VALUES and he can no longer just be a "buddy" in my life.. he lost the priviliage of our friendship by the way he chose to "break up and run" so many months earlier... leaving me devasted, sad, crying, humiliated.. all those terrible emotions we think we can't live through, but we do, and we learn so much, yeah, i really hope that came accross in my decision not to email him. i still struggle with my anger, and feeling like i DO want to let him know how hurt i was and am, and how manipulated i felt and still feel. the anger is so strong it shocks me sometimes... thanks for putting that into words blender.

need2bme, has your SO expressed interest in reconciling with you? is that why this is on your mind?

pretty much what the others said. try not to think of it in such tragic terms or in "what-ifs." instead think of it as the best life lesson you ever got. now you'll never do this again, you'll never make yourself and someone else miserable with your behavior. hmm...i'm trying to think of a way for you to feel better about this. writing a letter of apology might help you get it off your chest, but i don't know if it's a good idea to break NC. so instead, maybe you could write one just to get out your feelings...express your anger at him for cheating and leaving you, but also apologize for what you felt you did wrong. then all the feelings are down on paper and, in a way, you have released them from burdening you. i know what it's like to have regrets. even though my ex was a total jerk when he broke up with me, i can't say there wasn't an ounce of truth in some of his points. he had no right to be mean to me, but knowing how some of my behavior affected him in the relationship, i wish i could have changed it before it became a problem, and before it turned into something i would have to regret. you'll be okay, though. this isn't a tragedy, this is just a lesson to take into your new life.

I am afraid that if it ever happened, I would put my feelings on the shelf and always be afraid I would do something wrong. That would be no way to live... that may be the reason why most reconciliations don't work out. the relationship doesn't have the same "innocence." and i think that innocence can count for a lot sometimes. no matter how you slice it, i just don't think it's ever quite the same once someone has left you. i think eventually you would get comfortable again, but i think you'd definitely have a freak-out or two in the beginning. but hopefully you would have figured out in your time apart the things you needed to work on. so then, if you've improved all you can and they still want to walk, you should have no regrets.

i'm so sorry. stay strong! no texts! another day of NC is another day to be even more proud of how you're handling yourself. keep it up.

But if you keep ignoring the calls, it will keep bugging you and technically you will not get 100% complete closure. So it is up to you if you are ready to take the risk. i'm not sure if i agree with that. my ex emailed me once and even though i was dying to respond, it was very empowering not to give him the time of day. depends on how you look at it. i guess it might not be terrible just to pick up once, but IMO i think you should avoid it.

Even if they were not drunk, text msgs, or phone calls like that from an ex are useless and irrelevant. They do it to see if you still think and care of them enough to give a reply. EXACTLY. i refer to it as the "sussing out." seeing how much you care and how much or how little you've moved on.

i would totally keep ignoring her. play dumb. "oh really, that was YOU calling from that blocked number? weird! i had no idea!" she probably wants you to think, "oh, unknown caller, it must be my love, _____!" and that works in her favor because she wants to know your reaction to her. if you do jump to those conclusions, and you call her back saying "dear god, i was hoping you would call me, let's work it out!" then she'll just go back to making you her doormat. if you hold back while she plays these games she'll have no choice but to be more direct if she TRULY wants something from you. i would wait to call her back until she decides to be a big girl and actually calls me from her own number, leaves a voicemail, etc. because right now she's not giving you ANYTHING. unless you hear "i miss you and i'd like to try again"--which you will eventually if she's honestly interested--you can just sit back and relax. and besides, most people wouldn't call ANYONE back if they didn't leave a voicemail stating their purpose, so why make her the exception?

i would stay as far away from this girl as possible. no replies, especially if she's only being pissy in her communication with you. it would be one thing if the text said, "hey, what's up, how are you?" but all she wants is for you to feel badly for who knows what. never respond to someone who only wants to provoke you.