joyce1412

I don't think there is an answer for it and if there was, would it make us feel any better knowing. Would an explaination make it hurt any less? Would it erase the fact that it happened in the first place? I really, honestly don't think so. you're right. i guess i just wonder how someone who was normally so kind (and who actually used to be very concerned with having "good karma," believe it or not) could be so cruel. basically, how do you do this to someone and still sleep at night? i've taken people i love for granted, sure. i've even dumped someone who liked me very much, maybe even loved me, because i couldn't return the feelings. but i don't think i could put someone through what he put me through even if i detested that person. and if it was a person whom i had loved and been with until recently...shoot. i just couldn't ever do it. i mean, god, if it was about getting me to go away, all you have to do is TELL someone "i don't want to be with you" and stick to your guns if she chooses to beg and plead. that's all. he knew i was still so in love...it just baffles me that you'd do that to someone who cared for you so much, no matter how YOU felt about her at the time. it's called respect. it's called kindness. it just has me wondering about human decency, or lack thereof. you know? and sorry of this offends anyone, but i have yet to see in my life a male who can break up with a girl with any amount of decency and generosity. ugh.

thanks guys, i do feel somewhat better getting that off my chest, but especially since no one berated me for being weak about certain things. it's weird...it's actually not hard for me to stick to NC. yeah, i feel the impulse to break it MORE these days, thinking it will bring him back to me, but it's a very fleeting feeling. i know he'll be uninterested in me as a girlfriend. all he wants is to make me his "friend," which probably means he'll want to hang out once or twice to feel better about himself and wean himself off me and then he'll go back to being just fine and dandy without me, maybe even seeing other girls because he's cleansed himself of his guilt and of me. i HATE that he wants to be friends. as if i'd really be okay having that as a consolation prize for my failed relationship. it disgusts me like nothing else. just him broaching the subject made me want to laugh in his face in disbelief...and then punch him for being such a dolt. just the fact that he went there is so unbelievably insulting to me. i did really care about the guy, i loved him SO much. now i still care, but i don't think it's love. some days i get obsessed with his band failing or him somehow getting a taste of his bad karma because i'm just so hurt. it can't be love if i wish ill for him. it's just obsession. sometimes i feel like i must want him back just so the pain of being rejected will go away. since the breakup i've wanted him so badly, but i don't think i love him. i'm sure i could fall in love with him again, though. before him i never could have thought that i could wake up with the same person every day and still find him more attractive than anyone i'd seen, and love him more every day. and i know he felt that way about me at one time, and i just wonder where we went wrong that he stopped feeling that way. or where i went wrong. why did he only have to be horrible to me when we broke up and be so great the rest of the time? and why did he need to be horrible at all?

i don't think it's harder on one gender than the other. i think it mostly depends on the type of person. i know women who have gotten over the breakup of a long-term relationship in weeks, and i know a woman who says it took her a full year. it's just different for everyone. TCB, all i can say is that you shouldn't let your experience with a manipulative and unkind woman color your feelings about women in general. there really are a lot of good ones out there. and yeah, it sucks to let down your guard and get hurt, but if the alternative is never finding someone to love for the rest of my life, i'll take letting down my guard any day.

And now there is the added pressure and distrust of the other person because they broke up with you once before, what is to prevent them from doing it again. i think that this point is really, REALLY super important to note. because i know we probably all think or thought at one time that if we could just get back together with our exes, it would be perfect...we would work out all the issues, change all our problematic habits, and bam! perfection! but sometimes, no matter how dedicated you are to making a relationship work, you can't recover from someone who has betrayed you by leaving and perhaps even worse. yeah, people CAN forgive, but getting there and more importantly learning to TRUST is no small feat and is sometimes impossible, no matter how much you'd like it to work out.

and that the ''sprak'' was gonne but WHY would she stare at me everytime i go out i dont get here ... sounds like a "you want what you can't have" situation. i see her as someone who might want you when you're unavailable, but when you get back together she'll lose interest again. especially that "nice" comment...to me that translates as "i can tell you're a little puppy dog for my love and i'm bored by it and by you." that's just how some women are, sadly. don't tell her you're going into NC, just do it. actions speak louder than words. if i got a call from an ex telling me that it's too hard to see me, that i can't contact him, that he needs to move on, i'd be like, "uhh...okay." that's what HAPPENS when you break up...both parties are supposed to move on. i'd be much more surprised and impressed if i saw my ex, say, having dinner with another woman, or having the time of his life without me (though not in a show-off way) than i would be by getting that kind of call from him. i'll give you some advice icemotoboy gave me when i got an email from my ex about being 'friends': "by saying nothing, you'll sit in his [in your case, her] mind." trust him on this one. she won't forget about you if you don't call her, but she WILL become annoyed or dismissive of you if you DO.

Thats almost like him getting the better of me... he gets to continue his life the way it was before, but I have to revolve my life around all the things he does? Isn't that still revolvign my life around him in a sense? also, think of it another way...if you don't change your schedule, and you continue to run into him, he COULD get haughty about it and tell himself that you're still trying to see him around. he COULD think, "oh, look at her looking at me, still so smitten." really, he COULD think a lot of things, no matter what plan of action you choose. if he wants to be a jerk, he's gonna be a jerk. so with that in mind, it really just comes down to having to see him or not having to see him, and how you feel about these choices. personally, i would choose not having to see him, and i would take steps (within reason) to avoid seeing or interacting with him. when you're "the dumped," there really is truth to "out of sight, out of mind." trust me! or think of it this way...the less you have to see your ex, the more you'll be able to notice all the other male eye candy around you. hooray!

i need to vent about something just to get these crazy feelings off my chest. well, it's been 4 months since my breakup. i just found out a couple days ago that my ex will be in town for over a month. he's a musician so under normal circumstances he's gone almost all the time...but now he's on a long break, and in his apartment less than ten minutes from me. it's been very difficult, and i've been mentally going to places i hadn't gone in a long time. i feel like i see him on every street corner. i wonder what he is doing, now that he is located mere minutes from my house. i even wonder if he'll finally come around and come into my work, like he once said he would months ago (before he came clean about only wanting to be "friends" ). see, that's the thing...it's bringing about so much hope in me in ways that i never anticipated feeling again. every time my phone rings a part of me really thinks it's him. before i hadn't checked his website or anything...now i'm doing that, googling his band, all the bad stuff that i had sworn off long ago. there's a part of my head that thinks that since he is back in town for a while (his constantly being gone was one of the main reasons he broke it off with me), he'll have time to miss me, be reminded of me and the places we used to go, and realize his mistake. and there's a small part of me that longs for this more than anything. yet at the same time, my emotional moments are more intense. the times where i feel like crying are more frequent. this morning i woke up angry as HELL about the way he broke up with me and the things he said...if i had seen him at that moment i would have wanted to punch him! yet hours later i can find myself thinking, "maybe we'll get back together?" it's so stupid. i wish he hadn't been so good to me in our relationship so that i could say "good riddance!" to a guy who has caused me SO much hurt in these months. that's the hard part: reconciling the person whom i genuinely used to think was the best, kindest, most moral person i knew, with the person i've experienced lately. some moments i think to myself, "he's horrid, i'm never speaking to him again," and other moments i think, "i could forgive him." it's completely irrational. i'm thinking only with my heart and not my head. i'm even ashamed to be admitting all of this because i've tried so hard to give off an aura of "who cares, screw him, his loss." also, i think i have a very good understanding of the situation and why he is likely to never come back. i am the first to admit that he has shown me NO SIGNS of wanting to be together again. my rational mind comprehends this. and anyway, if i were in someone else's shoes and i heard this story coming from someone else i would tell that girl to toughen up and never think about this guy again. but here i am. thanks to anyone who read this, feedback is appreciated. and NO, i am NOT going to break NC no matter how bad it gets.

i agree with lady00. you have to take it super slow and approach it as a new relationship. remember those dates in the beginning where you didn't have to sleep with each other to have a great time? (well, we hope. and you talked for hours and hours, learning all about each other? that's how you should aim to spend your time together. besides being the safest way it should also be kinda fun, although it's a little un-fun talking about your issues...which should also be done. as for the sleeping with other people, again, if you're treating this as a NEW relationship, you can't be upset with each other for this. what's in the past is in the past, and if you were seeing a totally new girl, you wouldn't kill yourself thinking about the people she had been with before you. just get tested to be sure that it's safe, and try to understand that you clearly matter more to each other than past flings or lovers. you had some time away from each other, now it seems you've seen the light and can fully appreciate one another...think about it that way.

this opinion might be unpopular, but if it were me, i would look into transferring or finding a new job. i know you can't always escape situations just because you don't like them at the moment, but this guy sounds kinda brutal. plus, i'm all about fresh starts. if it were me i'd probably wrap up my duties at this job and then look for an even better one...but of course, even if you went elsewhere that doesn't mean you don't have difficulties to deal with in the present. you do need to go to this meeting, and you can't say he's responsible for taking away your ability to be professional. NO ONE can take that away from you unless you let him. if you are professional and respectful with colleagues they will have no choice but to behave the same way with you. i mean, think of the alternative...if you don't go to this meeting, and start acting professional and unreliable, then you'll be letting him win. knock 'em dead at that meeting. look gorgeous and act unfazed by his antics. you can't control him, but you CAN control you, and the way you handle yourself is all that matters here. when i was little, my mom always told me to ignore my older brother when he made fun of me because if stops being fun for them if you act like you care. and since this guy is apparently still acting like a 7 year old, you should take a similar approach.

no, if you change your schedule you'll be doing it for YOURSELF and for YOUR HEALING. who cares what he thinks? if he's going to take pleasure out of thinking you're avoiding him, he's a crappy person anyway. but it's really up to you what you do. if the hurt of seeing him doesn't outweigh the inconvenience of adjusting your schedule, then keep doing as you're doing. somehow i'd be willing to bet this schedule of yours isn't THAT set in stone and you're just feeling like you don't want to cede any more territory to him (something i totally understand, btw). but again, do what you want. it's totally up to you, there's no right or wrong answer. bottom line, don't let yourself be motivated by "what's he going to think/what's it going to look like if i ____?" if it helps, maybe just adjust your schedule for the next few weeks while you get the serious sadness out, and when life stabilizes a little more, go back to what you were doing. just do what's best for you. that's what being single and healing are all about.

"Maybe I'll change my mind and miss you horribly next week" ugh. my boyfriend said something like this to me when we were on our "break" which very quickly led to a "breakup." i believe it was, "i guess i'll just call you when i can't take it anymore."

i went through this with my family and friends, and am STILL going through it. my mom hates my ex like no other. i can't say it's entirely unjustified, but she speaks of him so venomously i almost want to stick up for him. sometimes it offends me because even though i know they're just being protective of me, it makes me feel like an idiot for having chosen him. and we were very much in love at one time, and yes, he WAS lovely at one time, so i don't think it's totally fair. so yeah, try not to discuss him with the friends and family who only want to say condescending things. or if they venture into that territory without you bringing him up, just firmly tell them that their saying bad things about him doesn't help you, it only hurts you. once they know that i'm sure they'll stop. if that still doesn't help you can always say something like, "well, i've forgiven him for the breakup, so don't be worried about me." they are like this because they're seeing how hurt you are, so if you make a case for yourself that you're doing well and moving on, they'll move on, too. i have some really sensitive friends who, though they will acknowledge the mean things my ex has done, are caring when they speak of our relationship or my feelings toward him, even on the days i start to cave and want him back. it's great to have a friend or two who isn't going to want to slap you for having weak days, and who will at least acknowledge WHY you are having these feelings--i.e. because you feel you had a great relationship at one time and you miss it. although, by the way...it probably IS his loss.

i wouldn't contact him to tell him you want no contact. if you do he'll think you're trying to get a rise out of him or something, like you're trying to create drama. just wait it out, because if he's not even calling you what's the point in saying "please now, don't try to contact me, this is too much, leave me alone"? it has the potential to create some hard feelings, and why not make the parting as amicable as possible? he'll get in touch with you somewhere down the road, whether in a few days, a few weeks or a few months. THEN you can tell him you don't wish to be in touch, in a civil but firm way. he'll have no choice but to respect it if you approach it in calm and fair manner. when my ex was breaking up with me i asked him if he wanted to be friends as well. now that's the last thing i want. i think your ex would understand the change of heart. and if it makes you feel any better, he might even be a little sad you're not calling him right now.

well knowing that information, maybe it's for the best that you two aren't together. with such a wandering eye it seems he probably suffers from grass-is-always-greener syndrome, and you don't want to be with a guy like that. how will one woman ever satisfy him? i believe i've written to you before that our lives basically all even out in the end. don't expect that he's going to have this ecstatic existence forevermore while you keep suffering. he won't and you won't. you'll get on an upward trend soon enough. the thing that's helping me today: listening to no doubt's "sunday morning". give it a try, huh?

there were times when my ex was breaking up with me that he was crying and i wasn't...and he NEVER cries. we're talking cried about ten years ago at his grandpa's funeral and not once since. i think you can recognize that you might be strongly attached to a person, and think highly of her, but still want to break up with her because you think it's the right thing for you to do at the moment. yeah, sucks, doesn't it? i don't like it any more than you do.

think about it this way...you know how they say the opposite of love is indifference? having someone hate you sucks. having him not care at all is worse. commit to not caring.

oh man... just found out the ex is in town for over a MONTH. under normal circumstances it's only a few days at a time. wonderful.

In each case, I was the dumpee and the dumper came back but it was either too late or it didn't last. I don't think my experiences have been unique, I've seen these kinds of things happen to many people. Yes, reconcilliation happens, it's not that rare but it generally doesn't last and it is never ever on the schedule that you are hoping for. If it happens at all, it tends to be up to the dumper and it can be when you least expect it (and often when you least want it!). That's why everyone gives the advice that it's best to move on and not expect it, because it is...and because when it does happen, it's a rare event that it's what you've been dreaming of (you tend to idealize what you don't have but want) and it often does not last. couldn't have said it better myself. i've had both happen. once i reconciled with a boyfriend i had dumped, only to have it end about two months later, and another time i had a guy call me waaaaay too late. and it's true what you said about the timing, he called when i was finally at a point where i wasn't thinking about him and didn't really care, after months and months of being distraught and wanting him soooo badly. might've been that he heard through the grapevine i was with someone else and HAPPY. Could we go so far as to say that perhaps it's optimal to never get back together with an ex? I'm not saying in every case, but in most people's cases? In my view, a healthy person constantly changes for the better. Would we want to be who we were five years ago? Two years ago? I think not. It goes to follow that, if both parties who were formerly in a given relationship got back together, they would be so radically different from who they were when they got in that relationship that it would be silly to reinstate anything. i disagree somewhat. i first started to fall in love with one of my best friends when i was sixteen or seventeen. we've been through a lot over the years and we were never officially together, but i could totally see myself falling in love with him again or being with him at some point, if the time is right. we've grown up a lot--well, I'VE grown up a lot the fact of the matter is that i continue to have a dynamic with him like i have with no one else...chemistry is chemistry. so i don't necessarily agree, but i DO believe that with more dating and life EXPERIENCE, the odds are that we will find people with whom we are better suited, and THAT is what keeps us from going back to people we were with years or even months ago. however, i very much agree that it is optimal NOT to get back together with the ex. it's optimal to find someone who has never broken your heart and never will, and be with him or her forever. no matter how forgiving you think you would be of your ex/dumper, you can't argue with that, right? and yes, you ARE in a good place when you have risen above the "you always want what you can't have" thing and you don't want to get back together with someone who hurt and rejected you. p.s. i am ALLLL ABOUT the "high fidelity" plan! hahaha

A relationship like that takes alot of time to get over and because he hsant allowed that for himself I wouldn't be surprised at all if you move on way before he does becaues the realities have hit you already, not sure if he knows what he is doing. In other words, you don't breakup with somebody after being with them more than a decade and just replace them. It is impossible, and I'd much rather be in your shoes where you have the room to break down, be sad, etc as compared to him whom I'm sure if he shows any signs of sadness his gf will give him lip about it because nobody wants to be with someone who hasn't moved on. i agree. his sadness right now is probably more tolerable because he's got a nice little girlfriend cushion to soften the blow while you are single. but he'll probably be dealing with it longer than you, wondering "what if?" i mean, wouldn't it suck to be him and occasionally have to wonder, "maybe i was better off before? maybe she was the one and i screwed it up?" there's no guarantee he feels this way but i wouldn't be surprised if he finds himself wondering if he did the right thing.

i agree with kitty, he's made his choice. i've read your previous posts and even if it doesn't work out with the new woman i think chances are very small he'll come back...i'm sorry. and i think it was pretty uncool of him to tell you all that--how good you look, how he thinks of you. because if he's being honest with himself i think he'll recognize that those are lines that could lead you to hope, and he shouldn't be feeding into your hope. of course he probably still feels this way about you--you were together for 11 years after all. but he needs not make romantic implications now.

whoa! deported? that's pretty extreme. you're better off not exacting revenge. it doesn't get you anywhere. trust me. you'd do better to concentrate on your own life and make it happy and fulfilling. do you really need to make her life suck to feel better about your own? i think deep down you know that you don't.

try not to bank on her caring if you bring someone. yeah, she might care, but she also has a new boyfriend, so she might not. i think your initial idea of just saying hello sounds best. if you give her friends a hug and not her that's going to look pretty low.

i don't think it's ever a good idea to just ignore. makes a person look childish. if he was a super jerk to you, why not just say "hello," smile politely, and walk on by? it will make you look like a pretty darn big person. because when you don't talk to him at all, you show that you're still mad, and by showing that you're still mad, you're showing that you still CARE. just say hello like you would if you passed by a mere acquaintance. a hello never hurt anyone, right? and it's not like by greeting him you're showing interest. you're acknowledging his presense and moving right on. no big deal!

He is my first neighbour. There’ no way I can move. i'm sorry, i don't understand. because he's your neighbor you think you can't move? perhaps i'm not reading you correctly, but you certainly CAN and should move. and you shouldn't bet on him moving away. better to GUARANTEE distance by removing yourself, not hoping he leaves. and i have a feeling you will see him again, despite your telling him to leave you alone. especially since he's your neighbor, he will make his presense known, i'm sure.

i also support icemoto's idea of "tearing her from your life," as harsh as that sounds. in fact, his post reminded me to block my ex on my buddy list! aahh, it's kind of a nice feeling. yeah, it's hard, but it makes it that much more difficult for him to come in and shake up my life...previously, i made myself way too vulnerable to his whims. he can't IM me, he already knows i won't respond to his emails, and he doesn't know where i live as i've moved. his only options are calling me (can you say "straight to voicemail?") or coming to my place of work, and i have a hunch that no WAY are his balls big enough for him to do either of those things. so i'm pretty well protected. so give it a shot, huh?