joyce1412

i think it's good to assume that your ex is over you, even if you have no evidence to back it up one way or the other. it motivates you to get over him faster. and when you accept that he's over you, you also don't keep yourself in "maybe he'll want me back" purgatory. i think that those with the least amount of hope get over it the fastest.

first and foremost, don't let yourself think that her desire to be friends with you is anything beyond a desire to be friends with you. when my ex wanted to be friends i was really hoping he was reaching out to reconcile because he missed me, but there comes a time when you just need to accept that they mean exactly what they say. it's hard to go from having someone mean so much in your life and occupy such a significant spot in your heart to not even speaking with that person. i think most can't handle this dichotomy, which is why at least one person in the relationship usually wants to be friends. it's probably that your ex still thinks you're a good person and enjoys your company, which is why she wants to be your friend, but not your girlfriend. and she may feel guilty for hurting you and is trying to make up for it in a small way by being there for you as a friend.

well, if she dumped you and you did nothing to hurt her in return, then she's a jerk, first of all. but she's probably doing it because in blaming YOU or being mad at YOU, she doesn't have to feel guilty about breaking it off with you. if she makes you into a person she doesn't care about, then she doesn't have to feel badly about herself. but the others are right, the psychoanalyzing doesn't get you anywhere. i think you should take into account how mean she is being about you and write it down on the list of all the reasons why you don't want to be with her anyway.

So I'm sitting here. I want to ask, can a person really have moved on, but still care enough to miss that person from time to time and want to see how they are doing?? over the last few years i've had to cut out several people in my life, mostly bad friends, but also a guy who wasn't treating me well at the time. long story short, i missed that guy so much that i did let him back into my life. it was a very difficult road back to friendship, and at times i did wonder if i still had romantic feelings for him. we go for long periods without talking and i always wonder what he's up to, and miss him terribly at times. however, when we made out this summer i realized that i was over it by the COMPLETE lack of sparks on my end! so on the one hand, yeah, i DO believe you can miss a person a lot and want to know how she's doing, but still be over it. i believe that because i'm exhibit A. i really love the guy, but if he got a girlfriend tomorrow i wouldn't be disappointed in the least. i also feel that you probably can't expect to just forget/not be curious about someone with whom you spent so much time. if the relationship was at all significant, which it sounds like it was, it's nearly impossible to not care a little bit. however... i've responded to some of your posts recently, and like frisco i don't think you're as over it as you think you are. you've indicated that you feel a lot of torment over this girl, even now. you've remarked that you feel empty and sad. because you're still burning from the things she did to you, i don't feel that you've 99% over it. even if you feel that you don't want to be with her, she's left a big impression on your psyche and you haven't really recovered. so let's say frisco is right, and you're only 70% over it. now just make it your job to get over it completely. and if you want to get over it completely it's probably a good idea to NOT check up on her (i know it's tempting!) also, try devising little distractions that you can use when you start to miss her too much--walk into another room, busy yourself organizing your pantry, call a friend, etc. hope that helps.

^^wow...That is probably all true. I think this is something that may have happened to me many times, but I never knew it was happening to me on a conscious level. i think it's happened to a LOT of people. i have to admit, i recently checked in with an ex this way, although it was only to say that i was deeply sorry about breaking his heart (what can i say, feeling TOTALLY AWFUL after this breakup inspired me to right my own wrongdoings). he accepted my apology, and indicated that he was eager to talk more. and i have to admit, it made me feel really, really good...even though i'm still not interested in him. so i guess you could say i'm familiar with the kind of ego boost it provides. i think i've also had it happen to me once or twice. like i said, this sort of thing goes on quite a lot.

I would say give it atleast 6 months to 1 year. Females are a lot better in my opinion at dealing with the loss in a relationship. It takes time, a lot though. really? i've always thought that females experience the heartbreak much more deeply. in my experience, the guys detach faster and are much less reliant on their partners than the women. women place much more value on maintaining relationships than men do, so it's a more devastating blow. however, as it's also been discussed, women receive a lot more support RE: getting over it and letting their emotions out, whereas men are usually expected to hold it in and just deal with it.

Give he one chance to show you she is serious, if she blows it, then you should forget her and continue to move on. if i'm understanding it correctly, they already arranged a coffee date and she cancelled on him. i think she's already blown her chance (well, provided that you, pagemaster, only want to give her that one chance). my best guess is...she spoke to you on a lonely night, eager to speak with someone who cares for her, and was kind of stoked that you wanted to get together with her. by confirming your interest in her her ego was boosted a bit. then she woke up the next day, still feeling the effects of the ego boost and out of her loneliness slump, and thereforeeee decided that meeting you in person wasn't necessary for her to feel better anymore. so she chickened out, but with that "hope to hear you soon," she's still sort of baiting you to see how interested you are. i realize that's a VERY cynical reading of her actions, i'll admit i'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt. but knowing that she has played with your emotions and hacked into your email, i wouldn't put this kind of manipulation past her.

Most likely she doesn't know the answer. That's why it's so hard for her to explain it, and it frustrates her to not be able to give you what you want. i agree. she probably just felt it wasn't right but didn't have any concrete ideas or criticisms to back it up.

and just to add to that, if your ex is telling the truth that he isn't seeing someone and you suspect the friend made it up...that friend is poison to you!

that's fine if you don't want to put a complete stop to the information flow. but the way i see it, it means you have to be comfortable with two things: 1. the possibility of difficult information coming into your life AT ANY TIME, and 2. the inevitability of such information (that he is dating someone else) coming to you. you say you still love him very much, so i'll take a guess that the reason you don't want to stop the information flow is because you are still caring for him and still want to be a part of his life. you can be a part of his life, but i think most would agree that it will be of great emotional cost to you. i was like you, i avoided telling my friends point-blank to stop giving me information for several months. i think i finally broke down at about three months. ultimately i found it to be a great thing. i think people don't even REALIZE how hurtful that kind of information is to a brokenhearted person, which is why they stupidly let it slip. or sometimes, they want to be the bearer of bad news because they like being the one "in the know." it's horrible, though. one of my girlfriends broke her "vow of silence" to me recently and her place within my circle of friends is very much being questioned right now. it shouldn't have to hurt you on a regular basis to be friends with someone, and no one should try to involve herself in the romantic relationships of her friends.

plain and simple, she wouldn't keep you waiting if she really wanted you back. that's your answer.

oh man, i agree...i was in a relationship for 1 1/2 years and i was definitely still torn up after 2 months. i'm at five months now, and i think i'm all done with the worst of the pain (now that my ex is seeing someone else, i don't see how it can get much worse). i have reason to believe the six month mark is going to be awesome.

yeah, i bet she's doing the "high fidelity"-style checking in with the ex because she's in a weird place. that doesn't always mean a dead end, though. my cousin did this to apologize to one of her exes 2 years after they broke up and they ended up getting back together. they just got married. so she may not have the worst intentions, but to me it's not really that flattering that this girl only called you because her life is (probably) in the gutter. i'd be curious to find out what she wants, though. keep us posted if you find out.

You can't achieve the greatest good when you seek a particular outcome. It presents itself to you when you are ready to receive it. i agree. it's just a bad idea to go into NC with the mindset of winning your ex back. it's not genuine, and keeps you from genuine recovery, because you're still living your life for someone else. i made the mistake of doing NC as a means to get my ex back. i probably would have done it anyway, but when it was brought to my attention in advice columns and these forums that doing NC could help get him back, i put all my energy into that. he wasn't in my life, yet everything i was doing i was still doing FOR HIM. bad way to start off your new life as a single person. i also don't like the posts that say "well, better yourself for yourself...but it could bring your ex back!" don't let your ex even remotely play into your decision about the actions you take with your life...unless those actions are getting the hell away from him. you are only going to love life and love yourself when you view yourself as a complete person, and when your actions to become a better, happier person aren't means to an end, but ends in themselves. who cares about whether someone else is impressed with you when you can impress yourself?

Before then, you can only love the person you *THINK* they are, but first impressions can be deceiving.... they sure can be. after dating him for a year and a half and five months of being apart, i think i am just now getting to know who he really is.

theallegedparadigm--one of the things that i picked up on is that you only dated these women for a few months before they broke it off. there are some people (not just women) who get really caught up right away, but then the infatuation and excitement die off after a while and they don't know how to handle it, so they break it off. i'd chalk it up to their feelings not being as strong as they had indicated from the very beginning. my guess is they don't know themselves or know love very well. some may disagree, but i'd even go so far as to say that it takes more than 4 or 6 months to truly, deeply love someone. as far as women turning on a dime about the men they love...i can't help but disagree. if i added up the months i've collectively spent still loving guys who didn't love me anymore or weren't that into me, i think it would be pretty depressing. (meaning i wasted a lot of time on them. of any guy i have actually said the words "i love you" to, it's taken several months of recovery and slowly falling out of love for me to be truly over them, because my feelings really WERE that strong even after being left or mistreated.

the last two weeks have been really bad for me. found out my ex might be seeing a "friend" of mine and was really crushed. on top of it, my senior year of college was just starting, and it felt extremely overwhelming. i've cried more in the last two weeks than i have in the last two months combined. i was very, very depressed and the littlest things made me burst into tears. now, i'm at my parents' house for the weekend...i live in a big city and my parents are in a small town. i feel more relieved, relaxed, and over it than i have in weeks or months. for the past couple of days, i've actually felt okay being a single woman. i've felt okay about what i'm doing with my life, and so at ease. such a contrast to how i was feeling at my place. i had been thinking about wanting to hurt myself, about not wanting to exist. now i feel light as a feather. i feel this can only be explained by the fact that i'm out of the city. which leads me to wonder if i should consider moving. it seems i only realize how suffocated i feel there whenever i get out. i am so tired of the superficiality of the city and the people. nothing there is genuine. it is convenient, it is fun, it is so many things, but it makes me feel hollow. naturally, it's also the city where my ex lives. that has to have something to do with it, along with the fact that i get unconditional love from my parents here. but wow...i can't tell you how much better it feels to be out, and how much dread i feel about going back. i just felt like getting those feelings out. hopefully someone can relate?

first of all, it's totally normal not to be over it in two months. most people aren't. i wonder why this person told you your ex was talking to someone else. that is NOT information you need to be hearing. i'd tell whoever it is that told you to shut it from here on out. tell friends and mutual friends that you don't want any news about him, or not to talk about him unless you bring him up first. so, why is it that your ex is out looking for other women? a lot of people on this board will tell you that since the dumper has had more time to think about ending the relationship, he's usually over it sooner, while you're still not over it, blah blah blah. i'm sure you've seen that notion discussed here in other threads. i think there's a lot of truth to that. my guess is he's just looking for a rebound girl, someone to provide a soft landing and make him miss the relationship less. i bet he's lonely. i have to confess, i've broken up with a person only once before, and i was out on the prowl pretty soon after. granted, it was never a very serious relationship, so i didn't need a lot of recovery time. but thinking about the next guy made me miss my ex a lot less. maybe you can take a cue from your ex and start getting used to the idea of meeting other people, of dating. i understand if that's too hard to do right now though. it's terrible that you had to hear that. i know it's not easy, especially that soon. but i think the best thing to do is realize that he is not your problem anymore. you are no longer part of each other's lives, so stop involving yourself in his. the sooner you start living your life fully and reclaim the part that you gave over to him, the happier you'll be for it. push what he's doing out of your head, it's not real, it doesn't matter. what's real is that you are wonderful and you have a great life to live and tons of great men to meet. realize that you mean more and are better than some girlie he's picked up to get over you. and since you asked...yes, i think it was a bad idea to tell him you know. you two aren't committed to each other anymore. it really--sorry if this sounds harsh--is not your business.

sinead, i'm like you, i've had little contact from the ex since the breakup. there was only some brief banter back and forth a few months ago, initiated by me for "closure" (ha, that didn't work out so well). i think it's actually a blessing in a lot of ways. it's a clean break. you don't have to deal with the ex screwing with your head like a lot of people on this forum have had to. i just think it's kind of nice. you have no choice but to move on. knowing that your ex won't contact you again (or at least being fairly certain) frees you up to focus on the future. no ifs, ands, or buts about it--it's over, period. that person is a thing of the past, out of your life, and can't hurt you anymore. and trust me, it is an enormous blessing not having to navigate a "friendship" with the ex!

that, or she feels threatened or insignificant because you're dating so soon. she's probably jealous. don't take it as a sign she wants to get back with you, but you're allowed to feel a little bit smug.

eww. that's disgusting. it's hard enough dealing with ex gf/ex bf relationships, but the guy has to actually request cordiality? LAME. i'm sorry. he shouldn't be throwing rules at you to make himself feel less guilty.

you're not a bad person! i would feel really great about myself right now if i were you. getting support from your ex's closest friends is really big. now you know what a moron he was to lose you.

I made the mistake in the past w/my ex of getting excited @ the prospects of them breaking NC and alot of the times, I feel like she just missed me, was insanely curious how I could go on w/life after being so wrapped up in her, etc etc. yeah, i think it's very common for exes to check in on you. i think most of the time they want to make amends, to see if you've forgiven them. no one wants to be disliked, especially when he knows the person has good reason to dislike him also, as it was said, they want to see if you're still lovesick over them. sounds cruel, but knowing that someone who was once crazy about you is now over you is hard to swallow. it's a great mystery to people, wondering what got someone to stop loving you, even if you were the one to end the relationship and are totally over it. it almost sounds like she just wants to cap things off with your family and friends. obviously, the breakup quickly severed her from everyone in your life, so it sounds like she might just be popping in to say, "hey, sorry about that, hope you don't hate me too." she wants to tie it off, make a clean end, so she can rest easily. i think almost anyone who is concerned about being a good person carries a lot of guilt from a breakup. i've carried a ton of guilt even after breaking off a relatively short relationship. so i think she's just trying to shed some of the guilt as best as she can.

i think it's great when exes can get along, and many times indicates both parties' maturity, but personally, i think some people who want to be friends with their exes (specifically ones who were the dumpers) are seriously lowering their standards. i think more often than not, people just can't take a relationship being so meaningful and then disintegrating into nothing. so they want to be friends just to hold onto some of the meaning, even if they were treated badly. so i guess if nothing really went awry in the breakup, great, be friends if you're up for it. but it someone screwed you over or hurt you unnecessarily and you're still desperate to be friends...i don't get it. me, i'm 98% sure i'll never be friends with this ex, and i feel fine about that. i think some people on the outside (i.e. mutual friends) may find me callous, especially since my ex wants to be friends with ME, but i think i'm the only person who truly knows how cruel my ex was, even though everyone heard the stories. sigh.

aww...no, don't leave! that's so sad... i'm sorry if any of us offended you. i remember posting to one of your threads, sort of being a naysayer like the others (it was in reference to your ex showing interest again i believe). for the record, i saw your ex doing some of the same things mine did, and when he did those things he steamrolled my heart in the process. i felt like SUCH a fool. so when i saw your thread i thought, "nooooo! not him too!" so i posted what i posted, even though you are older and more experienced than i. i just think being led on SUCKS so i like to tell my story as a cautionary tale, which is what it is--simply cautionary. i think some of the members here can be so severe because they, too, wanted to get back with their exes and it didn't work out, despite this or that, and they want to prevent you from making the same mistakes, suffering the same heartache, or having false hope. they are the ones who know how much it hurts when it doesn't go your way. there are also a LOT of devil's advocates on here, who have their BS detectors on super high and feel the need to sound off. but i appreciate them for the most part. they have kept me strictly in reality when a lot of my friends were giving me this blindly optimistic, half-sincere stuff, like, "hey, maybe it'll work out! maybe you'll get back together!" that said, i've been hurt--VERY hurt--by some users' negativity on this board, so i understand your frustration. anyhow, i hope you're not gone for good, i'd like to hear how things go for you. and i agree...as a non-"no effort" girl, i think the effortless ones ARE boring!