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joyce1412

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  1. joyce1412
    Just give it some time. There's this thing I never knew about called "intrusive thinking". Basically it means that any time you think about something, just do whatever you can to think about something else. yeah...it's interesting what we do after a breakup. many of us end up re-hashing our pain, as well as the various good and bad memories, to an unnecessary degree. i often wonder what we think we are achieving in doing so. do we think we will suddenly solve the problem? figure out what went wrong and be done with it? purge all the feelings once and for all? there has to be some reason why we spend so much excess time in pain. why do we choose to spend time hurting rather than spend time with friends, working on our careers--anything that could positively contribute to our lives? for me, it's gotten to a point when the only significant time i really spend thinking of the ex is when i'm on this forum, perhaps before bed or in the morning, and maybe two or three times during the day when my mind is idle, although he remains in the back of my mind a lot. i also worry about running into him, especially running into him with a new girlfriend. but all this is actually a great improvement for me. i look forward to a few months from now when the time spent thinking about him is next to none.
  2. joyce1412

    Nc

    joyce1412 replied to Crizco's topic in Getting Back Together

    unfortunately crizco, i don't think it means anything. some dumpers just can't quit their exes cold turkey, and wean themselves off of you--leaving the dumpees confused and heartbroken. i was one of those dumpees. i've read about it happening a million times on this board. almost never do they come through and decide to be with you. again, try NC. if you are really strict about it, you'll probably get your answer about whether she wants to be with you sooner rather than later--because either she'll eventually stop contacting you, or she'll make her intentions to be with you again known.
  3. joyce1412
    I agree, but disagree with joyce. One of the biggest things I have learned PERSONALLY is that life is way too short. Instead of dwelling on the past and what you had with whoever... No matter how hard you think things might be, if someone left you, or it didnt work out for whatever reason, there are billions of people in this world. NEVER FORGET THAT. Everything happens for a reason and if your meant to be, you are, otherwise dont EVER leave yourself missing out on "life" because of a previous relationship. It ended for a reason. Most people think that they will never find what they "had" because of the chemicals involved with life, relationships, and otherwise. There are too many people, and too many things to do in this world to spend any amount of time dwelling on the past. oh, i completely agree with this. and when you immerse yourself in thoughts of the ex and have to write it down as a result, you are thereforeeee discouraged from having them if it means going through the hassle of writing it all. the point is that you think about it in the short-term, and punish yourself for doing so, to keep yourself from thinking about it in the long-term. so really, i am ALL FOR not dwelling in the past, and sometimes you need an initial kick in the butt to ensure that you don't dwell.
  4. joyce1412
    Im the lowest maintenance girlfriend you could ask for. I was very easy going, so I left things up to him sometimes thinking it would be nice to do what he wanted. I would suggest things all the time, but often he wouldn't like that. i'm with you kimber, i let my ex make decisions because i knew he liked to do that, and if i don't really care either way what we do, then why not let him decide, right? but they get so used to it that anytime you want to direct things--even if it's not often--they get uncomfortable. he's an alpha male, and the fact that you're younger probably made him feel even more like he ought to be in power. and he convinces himself that you need it, even though you don't think you do, because that's the only way to justify his behavior. it's very important to men to feel needed in some capacity, and he felt needed via your supposed neediness. he needs some kind of unruly dog to boss around so he doesn't have to do it to his girlfriend.
  5. joyce1412
    One thing that has helped is writing down all my thoughts whenever I can. It seems to be a little pressure valve and the thoughts of her arent as strong for a short time afterwards. Like my brain doesnt want me to forget about her but when I write stuff down its satisfied for a while. good point! i also read somewhere that you should write down your feelings EVERY TIME you start to think of the ex. it gets to be such a pain to write all that stuff down that, eventually, you'll REALLY want to stop thinking about it. it's a method that takes quite a bit of dedication, but i don't doubt that it works.
  6. joyce1412
    won't she be able to reset her password using the same method you did, by answering the secret question? if it really means that much to you, then by all means apologize. but i have to wonder, do you want to tell her so you can "live with" yourself, or so she'll know you found out that she may have lied?
  7. joyce1412
    It has been proven that the reason for mornings being the worst for people is due to the fact that your brain will sort things out on its own while you are sleeping, thus changing the levels of certain chemicals when you wake up. explains why i can go to bed thinking, "ugh, f*ck that guy!" and then wake up going "aww, i miss him..." that makes a lot of sense.
  8. joyce1412
    have you ever seen the "sex and the city" episode about carrie and her sex buddy? that reminds me of your situation. she tried to make her sex buddy her boyfriend, because she figured, "here's a guy who i know and like, why wouldn't we be able to make it work?" needless to say, she found out there was a REASON they had known each other so long and HADN'T gotten together. i bet if you two had liked each other enough, you would have already started something. then, when you had sex, it called to attention the fact that you weren't that excited about her in the first place. just a theory... it's going to take the right woman and the right time. so far you haven't had the right woman, and whether it's the right time, you don't know yet. you'll figure it out.
  9. joyce1412
    someone here suggested to me thinking about what my next boyfriend would be like rather than the crap my ex put me through. what he might look like, where we would go together, what we would do--you can start to visualize everything that you want to happen with the next person you love. i read a lot, even if it's just a trashy magazine like "us weekly." any subject that you can really get into--fashion, sports, whatever--is good. my therapist really encourages thought control when the bad thoughts come in. she suggested thinking of a word, like "stop" or "delete," and then saying it to myself whenever i started thinking about him. i haven't been able to control my thoughts very much, although with time i have thought of my ex a lot less, which is a triumph in itself. for me the best thing was just finding something to keep my mind actively engaged in as an ALTERNATIVE to thinking about my ex. your mind needs to go somewhere else if it's not on the ex, and it has to be something that involves a lot of concentration, not just watching TV or something. in my experience, the best distracting forces are a) work and b) people. simple, but those have brought me the most success.
  10. joyce1412
    weeell, i don't think that if he doesn't tell her he will "never move forward and recover." that's pretty extreme. arch, you've already suffered mentally for this. you received your punishment. if you want to confess and apologize, do so, but i think you might be better off just swearing that you'll never do it to her (or anyone else) again.
  11. joyce1412
    oh no! i remember your dilemma about the birthday text, and i thought you made a good decision when you decided not to send it. i'm so sorry he had to come in and do this to you. GREAT job on not replying. that must have been very hard to do what with the way he provoked you. he's probably been feeling a little low or lonely lately, and he wanted to reach out to you for something remotely meaningful. he was probably also feeling nostalgic about the day. and gottaletitburn is SO right about the fact that it's going to bother him you didn't reply. receiving no reply is going to shine a big spotlight on whatever emotions he felt that caused him to send it in the first place, and he's going to feel like a jerk.
  12. joyce1412
    mmm, that's not completely what i was driving at, so chill out. yes, i do think it could make him seem bitter toward the ex, but it's more about his own feelings about the idea. if he has no qualms about blocking her, then he can block away. whatever. but he clearly feels conflicted about doing it. i like the changing the screenname idea because it makes you feel like you have a fresh start...which is even better than blocking.
  13. joyce1412
    oh no! well i'm not gonna lie, one time i tried to look at my ex's email too...thank god i couldn't get the password right! now, of course, you know not to do it again. i wouldn't tell her that you hacked into it. just don't do it again. and it's not fair to ask her if she cheated if you obtained the information wrongly and illegally. just move on and try to stop wondering.
  14. joyce1412
    Thanks, Joyce. A sex buddy? Yikes! Right now the thought of holding hands with anyone else grosses me out. I'll look into the title though! haha, agreed. for me, the sex buddy thing was a BIG no-no. as much as i wanted to get rid of the taste of my ex, i knew that was only going to make me feel worse. for some it's easier to have casual sex, but i didn't see that as something that was going to help my already low self-esteem. i value my body very highly...which is why i've only given it to one person. i just thought to do a quick search on link removed, and here's all the info for the book: Letting Go: A 12 Week Personal Action Program to Overcome a Broken Heart by Zev Wanderer, Tracy Cabot my only warning is that this focuses on the 12 weeks immediately after the breakup...depending on when your breakup was (i'm assuming it was roughly around july, since that's when you joined), some of the advice may seem irrelevant, because you might be over certain feelings. maybe stop by a bookstore, settle in on a couch and just browse.
  15. joyce1412
    haha. good point, frisco. but if he's eager to not seem bitter about things, then blocking could indicate that he is. i recommend changing your screenname because that's the surest way to make sure she never IM's you again! the bonus is that you can also "forget" to tell anyone else who annoys you that you've changed your SN. two birds with one stone.
  16. joyce1412
    well, to answer your question, i don't think he's over you. i remember your situation and i think we actually discussed that even though your ex was with another, he wouldn't just forget you like that. 11 years is nothing to sneeze at. something tells me that his honeymoon period with his current girlfriend is probably coming to an end. maybe he misses you as a result. however, is there "hope"? i'm not even going to answer that question, because you shouldn't be thinking about that. it's time to get realistic. don't imagine him as being unsatisfied in his new relationship. imagine that he's having a grand old time! imagine that she's the love of his life! because THAT, my friend, is the only thing that is going to help you move on. you and i both know that you will take any glimmer of hope and run with it, and by "run with it" i mean you're going to stay enamored of him. i was the exact same way. to think, i even took an email from my ex asking to be friends as a sign that he wanted to be with me deep-down! point being, anything you get from him that you can remotely construe as positive, you WILL take as a positive sign. that's why i particularly recommend NC for you. it's time to move on.
  17. joyce1412
    Am i missing something here? I thought if you blocked someone they couldn't tell anyway!? you can't tell, BUT, but if your ex wonders if she's being blocked and then goes a different screen name and your name shows up on the buddy list of THAT screenname... i know that's how it works on AIM at least. if you suspect someone has blocked you, there are ways to figure it out. it just depends on how much you care what she thinks. personally, i wouldn't want to give my ex the satisfaction.
  18. joyce1412
    for messenger, i think the best thing is just to delete your ex's screen name from your buddy list, unless you think she's going to continue to IM you (it's only helpful if your ex doesn't initiate contact). if you're worried she'll be offended about being blocked, change your screen name and don't let her know you changed it. then she can't interpret it as being about her.
  19. joyce1412
    i never read the whole thing, but i read about half of this book called letting go. unfortunately the name of the author escapes me, but i got it at barnes & noble, i think it's fairly popular. it's basically a three-month plan for getting over a breakup. i thought it had some interesting ideas and was realistic about a lot of things. for example, it talked about how mutual friends are generally going to choose sides, and probably won't remain an equally good friend to both of you. that was very true in my experience, so it was good to have a heads-up. the author tends to have strong opinions, some a bit controversial (she recommends finding a sex buddy), but she's mostly helpful.
  20. joyce1412
    Relationships go way down the bottom of my list. Funny because way back, I was always longing for one, after the other, after the other. you're really strong to not want to hop into another relationship. even though i am still sad about my ex, i think most of my depression is about not being okay on my own, so i still have this impulse to find another man to make me happy. but i don't want to end up like this after another relationship, so i'm doing my best to get happy on my own. it's a terrible thing when you realize, after a breakup, that all the times you thought you were happy were really because your relationship had acted as a band-aid for all your troubles.
  21. joyce1412
    I showed in every way how much I loved and cared about him, but if I said or did one thing he didn't like, he would yell at me no matter what I'd done for him. It helped me see that no matter how much you love someone, you can't change them or help them get better if they don't want it themselves. Im mainly venting, because he told me over and over how much he hated having to manage me, and felt he was having to take care of 2 people. He is a man who LIKES taking control, and didn't realize HE chose to control every situation. that really spoke to me, kimber. my ex is 25 and i'm 21, and with the age differential he often felt like he had to be a parent for me, to take control, and although this came naturally to him and was something he chose to do, i think he got tired of it. now, i liked it to an extent--i'm one of those people who will take an hour to decide where to go out to eat unless someone makes a decision for me!--but when it came down to it, i would have rather had a partner that made me feel like i was his equal. i hate to generalize, but i think this is typical of men. they often DO like to be in control, and your ex probably did too. but because you're younger, it's easy for him to pretend like he HAS to take control because you don't know what you're doing without his guiding hand. as they say, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink. he doesn't realize what you've done for him and he won't change right now. hopefully when he loses some of the bitterness he'll take a step back and evaluate his behavior.
  22. joyce1412
    haha, yeah, anger helps. the reason it was so hard for me was that i was in shock about the whole thing for so long--that we had broken up, that he had been so mean. now the whole thing just doesn't shock me anymore because i've had so many months to live with those ideas. everyone says it, and it's true: time heals, or at least makes you care a whole lot less. what helps me is, sometimes i'll think about things that make me upset (the fact that my ex is now with a girl i was friends with is one!) and even though i KNOW i'm upset, i mentally shrug, and say, "who cares? they deserve each other." then i keep on with whatever i was doing. i think ACTING like you care helps until you really DON'T care. one thing my friend said also helps me--"if he's not in your life, he can't hurt you anymore."
  23. joyce1412
    i assume you're referring to NC? if that's the case, i don't agree. i don't think it's abusing someone if he hurt you (by breaking up with you) and you need time to heal. it's a difficult but necessary measure. at least for the person who is applying NC, it hurts, but you will probably stop hurting sooner than you would if you were still talking to your ex and pining for him. i think this quote is more applicable to people who are in relationships. you can't be in a relationship with someone if you don't talk, don't communicate. it's a terrible tactic that people resort to in arguments. however, if you are BROKEN UP, you don't owe it to your ex to be in a communicative relationship, you owe it to yourself to get over it and start feeling better. i like the quote that's currently on the "wise box" on this page: "the hottest love has the coldest end!"
  24. joyce1412
    it's been more than 5 months and i STILL have hard mornings sometimes. generally i begin to think about him within the first three minutes of being awake...i have a few ignorant minutes, and then i remember why i'm sad. it's gotten a lot less unpleasant with time, though. now when it hits me in the morning, instead of feeling so heart-crushingly sad, it's more like, "yeah. oh well," and then i go about my business as usual. if i have ten minutes after waking up without remembering to think of him, i pat myself on the back, because that's a big improvement for me!
  25. joyce1412
    sorry it didn't go as well as you'd hoped...i dated a little about 1 1/2-2 months after the breakup and it didn't feel right. it made me miss my ex more, too. it's very normal...even though i was kind of excited about the dates beforehand, they ultimately didn't go that well and even during the dates i got really sad, missed him, etc. like you said, as much as you wanted to start dating, you might need some time off. nothing wrong with that.
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