nsbguy32169

I wish I knew a quicker way to do this. It's almost been 5 months since she ended our 3 year relationship and I still can't get her out of my head. I've been hanging out with one of my old friends from high school who I've always known is interested in me, but even when I'm with her hanging out or on a date, my ex still pops into my head. I've noticed this over the past few months already, but it seems like it's more intense now than ever. I feel the need to go out everyday, all day... to do something awesome and exciting EVERYDAY... but in my head I'm not wanting that because of JUST the fun and excitement... no, no, no, instead I'm doing it in competition with her. I want to be having a better time than she is, I want to be having fun all day long. I don't even want to sleep anymore, I just want to be with friends all the time and party everyday... and when that doesn't happen... when my friends are busy or it's too crappy out to do something "exciting" I get upset... but I don't know who or what I get upset towards. It's almost like I feel the right to be having a better time than her because she broke my heart. I feel that she should be having a crappy time everyday while I'm out... I think I'm starting to become more like she is; needing people around to make me happy, requiring the presense of others to feel secure and happy, which is wrong. I never used to be like this. I never used to need others around me to make me happy. I could spend an entire weekend by myself just relaxing and working out, but now here I am, thinking that whenever I'm alone I'm unhappy... that my life sucks because I don't have enough people in my life to make me happy all the time. But my happiness is my responsibility and no one else's. The stupid thing is my life is awesome right now. I'm hanging out with friends everyday, exercising and looking better everyday, having fun everyday, my grades are just plain awesome, and I have another fun week ahead of me... my life is awesome and I can't see it clearly because I'm so blinded by the desire to have an infinite amount of fun everyday. What a stupid concept. What really gets me is I can NOT be in another relationship for almost a year because of my work/travel schedule for 2007. Sure I can date, but having a girl that's always there for you is such a nice feeling... I guess I'm just venting some more...

Well, I thought I was doing a lot better, but I've come to realize the fuel driving my flames was just the idea that she wanted me back... which was true about 2 months ago (she broke up with me in August), but I stood my ground and said no because I put up with way too much crap than I should have when I was with her so there was no way I was gonna get back into that... *takes a breath*... anyway, that feeling that she wanted me back was empowering and keeping me strong, but now that her "I don't want to lose you" feelings have resided, all that remains is a girl who sees me as a friend... and nothing more. And I feel like **** because of it. I know, we're not dating, why should I care? I just can't get over the fact that this girl who gave 3 years of her life to me, who gave me her virginity and her mine, and called me her first true love now looks at me the same way she looks at any of her other guy friends. It was different before... there'd be times when we'd hang out, possibly do a little making out and even hooked up a few times after the break up... but now that things have settled she's realized why things didn't work out... to her, the chemistry between us had died months ago, the spark blown out, the flame... dead. Slowly, but surely comfort and security had taken its place, and that's what she thought being in love was about. She had stopped feeling that attraction towards me... the same attraction I still feel for her, months after the break-up... Every time I'm around her my heart still flutters and deep down I want her to feel the same way... but I don't, because I don't want to get back together... she put me through so much crap, but I'm still so in love with her... I want the girl who fell in love with me 3 years ago, not the girl who broke up with me because she fell out of love with me... and that's where this struggle is originating... it's driving me crazy. I want the past, not the present, and since part of the past is in the present I long for that piece of her... the piece that I hope still has feelings for me. It seems like nothing will take my mind off of her... not hanging out with friends every other day... not studying so I can maintain my grades... not even busting my *** at work to keep myself busy... not even hanging out with other girls can completely remove her from my thoughts...nothing does it... And it just gets worse every time I find something from our past... something about getting married, starting a family, buying our first house together, spending our lives together, "loving" each other forever and no one else, etc... Every time I come accross an old card or note it seems we were always looking towards the future... waiting for things to get better... her, waiting to graduate high school so she could go to college, and now its her waiting to graduate college so she can start working... with me I was always looking forward to seeing her again, not paying attention to life around me, missing out on so much just because I wanted to talk to her on the phone and tell her how much I couldn't wait to see her again... however, I always TRIED to be mindful of the present, to enjoy what life was at the moment. I would try to remind her to do the same, to stop hoping for the future and start living for the now, but she wouldn't do it... she always thought that tomorrow would be better than today... then it got to be her waiting for me to change, to change into the man she wants to spend her life with, and I'm not that man... I'm my own person with my own qualities, and all she ever wanted was for me to get other qualities... "better", "tougher", "more rugged" qualities. She wanted me to be a different person. She didn't want to accept that I am my own person, with my own qualities that she won't truly appreciate until she's with someone who doesn't have them. I never tried to make her into someone she's not. I'll admit there were times when I was frustrated with particular traits of hers, but she wouldn't have been the girl I love if she didn't have them. Actually, there was ONE thing... ONE thing I wished was different... I know it might seem incredibly superficial, but it was the sex. I'm sure it was a result of the dying spark she held for me, but a bad sex life is one thing. No sex life is another. Being in love, for me anyway, means you share your body, mind and soul with the other person... it means that you WANT to share all three of those with the other person... I offered her all three at all times, but I was incredibly lucky if I got all three simultaneously from her ... Looking back I can tell there was definitely a transition somewhere after the first year when she started looking at me more as a friend than a lover, and that's when the sex started to get very infrequent with a huge drop in the passion and desire for it on her end. So I guess in the end I'm still better off without her. She didn't appreciate me as much as I deserved, she didn't show me the respect I deserved and she stopped showing me the love I deserved a long time ago... I just wish I could embrace all of this and really, truly believe it, but my heart still wants her regardless of what anyone says or thinks... or even what I say or think... She will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart... and that seems unfair to all of the women in my future because no matter what, a piece of my heart will always belong to "her" and the love I feel for them will never be as strong as it was... IS for "her."

Damn... 4 years... I could never spend my life with someone who didn't want sex AT LEAST once a week, let alone being "okay" with sex once a month... My recent ex of 3 years, who broke up with me mind you, is trying to convince me that we belong together and I just keep telling her reasons I can't spend my life with her and one of the biggest reasons is that she never placed any kind of importance on having a healthy sex life. To me, an active, healthy sex life is very important in a long term relationship so being with someone who places little importance on it would cause way too many fights and a lot of unnecessary tension (and it DID cause a lot of fighting and unnecessary tension between my ex and me during a good majority of the relationship). There are plenty of women out there who love sex and place an equal or greater importance on it as I do... It seems like she's pretty set on her beliefs so either live with once-a-month sex or get out... because even if you did sit down and talk to her and she understands how much you like sex, it's not like she's going to enjoy it anymore than she already does so any increase in sexual activity will probably be temporary until she just gets annoyed with it again

If the love was real to begin with and so many things start to interfere with it that it becomes cloudy and unsure... give it time and distance and those clouds start to dissipate, revealing what was there to begin with. The hard part starts when both people realize how much work they must do to make sure those clouds do not come back to stay. And with regards to the "certain extent" comment... if the love was never there to begin with or if it truly was lost, then no, nothing can bring back those feelings unless, however, both people are able to make such significant changes in their lives and they make those changes for THEMSELVES, not for each other, that when they meet again, it's almost as if they're completely different people from which they once knew... and from which they once fell in love with. Then, I believe, there's a chance to start over and possibly fall in love with a different person in the same body.

To a certain extent...

That's kind of what I'm afraid of... I've treated her better than any of her previous boyfriends... I was her first love... her first everything really... I treated her like a queen and she knows it... she knows it's going to be almost impossible to find any other guy that did the things I did for her... and to her But she doesn't have feelings for me so why would she want to be with now or later? But she fell out of love with me... that's where I have a hard time understanding why she wants to meet up later in life. That is an excellent story, but I don't want to draw hope from it... I don't need hope in this stage. The thing with us however, was time and distance made her realize she wasn't in love with me anymore... but at the same time I understand how it worked for you... absense makes the heart grow fonder... maybe it will happen with us, maybe not... but I'm sure as hell not just gonna sit around and wait for her. I have my own life to live

Can you really fall back in love with someone after you've fallen out of love with him/her? I want to hear from people who have experienced this, if there's any at all... My ex told me she has no feelings in her heart for me, but she wants to be with me... to spend the rest of her life with me... she hopes to meet up again a few years down the road and fall in love with me all over again. I'm just like, "What the hell does that mean? How do you fall back in love with someone? He/she is going to still be the person you fell out of love with in the beginning so why would any amount of time change those kinds of feelings?" Could two people really change that much in a few years time as to be able to fall in love again? I'm not trying to get my hopes up thinking about this and no, I don't plan on waiting "a few years" to move on, I just want to understand how you can "want" to fall in love with someone you've already fallen out of love with. If you fall out of love with someone why would you "want" to want to spend the rest of your life with that person? I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I wasn't in love with...

Go to parties. Hang out with beautiful members of the opposite sex. Get wasted with some close friends (responsibly of course). Watch action movies and comedies... or really anything BUT movies with intense love stories... i cant even watch Mr & Mrs Smith without getting depressed... but I have no problem with Wedding Crashers... damn thats a good movie If you find yourself dwelling, just start telling yourself it's not worth it and there's better things in life worth your time, and tell yourself not get upset... I tell myself that over and over until the feelings go away and i start to feel better I can't think of anymore right now

I'm the dumpee too, but I am pretty sure I understand what happened... It would be 3 years at the end of this September and we're only 20 and 19. We both have huge lives ahead of us and she was starting to realize it. She realized how much of life she had restrained herself from experiencing because she wanted to be with me all the time and it was starting to catch up... She basically had a huge epiphone and it gave her a distaste for love. I don't know if she really fell out love with me because of it or this epiphone made her hate love, but either way we're still broken up so what does it matter. I don't blame her because I've accomplished every goal I've set out for because I was older... I graduated first, went to college first and she kind of followed. She wants her own successes in life and wants to be on her own and do her own thing for a few years before she consider settling down. I completely understand it all, but damn it sucks to be on the receiving end of something like that. I'll always love her and she will always love me... Maybe things would have worked out if we had met in 5 years or something... and maybe we will meet again in 5 years, who knows?

That's the thing is we thought we were ready to get married and had talked about it for so long... All of this spring she was always looking at marriage websites, looking at dresses, honeymoon spots, and then looking at furniture and decorating our "future place." She was constantly dropping hints of wanting to get engaged next summer and married during the following summer... that kind of thing went on for almost a year, and then she just tells me she's not in love with me anymore and that she doesn't want to make any kind of commitment to anyone. I mean, Christ, she bought me a piggy bank and put the words "Engagement Ring" on it. Now it's just sitting around with a good chunk of cash in it... It feels so ****ty thinking about all the plans we made that she just threw away... How do you love someone enough to want to marry them and have kids with them just to wake up one day and say, "Screw that! I wanna see other people." The other thing is I've been ready for the past two years, but we agreed to wait until the last year of college so we could concentrate on school and such... I'm still ready. So many people are scared to death of spending the rest of their lives with one person, but that's all I've ever wanted with her and none of my friends could understand that. I wish I could go out... I want to and I get to the point of picking up my phone and then I just stop. I don't feel like being around people, but at the same time I want to take my mind off of this by talking to other people about anything BUT relationships. Every time I talk to someone about anything except my problems I feel this huge feeling of relief and the depression leaves my mind... but 5 or 10 minutes after the conversation ends it all comes back. I honestly can't go 2 or 3 days without running into her or talking to her. If I'm at her apartment and we don't keep a conversation going for a good amount of time my mind starts to wander and starts creating images of her with other guys and I feel like vomiting.... we'll just be talking and I'll have to get up and go into another room to try and tell myself not to think about that crap. I know it's not helping that I still go over to her apartment... I just look around at all the old pictures of us still hanging up and start to get depressed or look at the pictures that have replaced our old ones... I'm killing myself with all this crap I do and I can't stop. Maybe I'm hoping to go over there one day and see all our pictures hanging up again and have her run into my arms and beg me to take her back... soooo lame

That's the biggest cause of my confusion... I want her back, but I don't. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she wants the same, but not right now. I don't want to wait for her, but I don't want to lose her if she comes back to me in a few years. I want to see other people just as much as she does, but I also want to be with her again. I want to be with her, but we have a lot of issues to deal with before we can even consider that. I don't know what I want... I want to fall out of love with her so I don't have to think about this stuff. I don't want to have her on my mind all day so I can actually concentrate on work and school so my grades don't start dropping. I hate this... so much I hate time... Writing it down... That's one of my problems is I keep going back and reading old emails between us and reading her old livejournal entries... reading entries from months and months ago about how much she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me and about how much she can't wait to move closer to me... and then 7 months after she moves up here it's over... all of it's gone... I keep trying to tell myself it's not a waste of 3 years, but it genuinely feels like that sometimes... everyone keeps telling me to look at it as a learning experience and think of all the great times we had, but I don't want to think about those... I want to think about the great memories that we might have made in the future... I think about the future without her and I get depressed and then people tell me to look at the past and remember all the good times... thinking about all those good times make me depressed that they won't happen again, not happy because I got to experience them. No matter what I think about I'm screwed. I miss so many things about being together. It's not that I feel lonely without her, but I feel incomplete... like if I go a day without talking to or seeing her, that day feels empty... the stupid thing about all of this is when I go back to work in January, which is 4 hours away, I know I'm still going to miss her like crazy and I know she's gonna feel the same way. She wanted to break up so we could experience the college life without being tied down or emotionally involved with someone yet if one of us studies abroad or goes on a long vacation somewhere I know I would miss her the whole time and want to be with her and she's told me she would feel the same way.

It ended... after 3 years it's over. I'm sure if you go back and read my previous threads you'll ask yourself how we managed to stay together in the first place, but dammit I love that girl. My previous threads were basically complaints about sex issues but after April this year things reached a peak that had never been hit before... One of the best parts was that her sex drive came back... and it came back hard. Everything was so great for about 2 months... I'm serious when I say this, my life was absolutely perfect for that first half of summer, it was absolutely amazing... I was beyond happy with every aspect of my life and I don't think things could have possibly gotten better. I had an awesome job, my grades were awesome, and the love of my life was loving sex again. And then half way through summer it stopped... we were doing the long distance thing during the summer and halfway through she started making little effort to call me or talk to me. She "never had time to call", she was always too busy to talk, or she didn't feel like talking... what was actually going on was that she didn't feel like talking to ME... she could go clubbing with all of her friends until 3 in the morning, but she didn't feel like talking to anyone?... yea ok. For the first half of the summer she was miserable because we were apart and she missed me so after a while she decided to put those feelings aside and enjoy herself. Doing so opened up her eyes to how much she was missing out on and everything she had given up to be with me. All of her goals she had before 3 years ago had been changed to accomidate me and my goals. She had made very few friends in the 3 years we were together and basically realized there's a whole other world out there and she wants to explore it... see other people, travel, study abroad, and have fun without having to be tied to one person. We broke up at the beginning of August, three days after I moved in and I've never been more confused in my entire life. I feel like giving up completely, but at the same time I know I still have a long life to live, many people to meet and hundreds of places to go and see... On one hand it's like I've completely lost the best thing that might ever happen to me, but after talking with a lot of my friends all I keep hearing is, "there's a whole other level of happiness" or "you deserve so much better" and I just keep wanting to think that, but I don't... I want her... we had so many issues with each other and constantly fought about them, but when I think about her I don't think of those things... I think about a beautiful woman who was head over heels in love with me just as I was with her. It was passion that drove us to fight and then turn around and love each other with every bit of our soul... It doesn't feel like it can end like this... Hell, we even looked at houses together when she came to visit me in the city I'll be working in after I graduate... and a month later she had basically shut down her feelings for me. Even now she still tells me she's in love with me, but doesn't want to be tied down for a long time... I'm not waiting, I know that much, but... I don't know. I want to be with her, but I know things wouldn't work right now. We both have a lot of growing to do and some changes to make if we have any hopes of getting back together in a few years. And at the same time I don't want to get back with her... I'm so confused. I've been pretty depressed for the past month and a half... slipping in between happiness and extreme feelings of depression every few days. I'll be ok and without a care in the world some days and other days I don't feel like continuing with this crap people call life. We're both going to therapy about all the feelings and emotions we've been experiencing lately, plus she has her own emotional baggage she has to deal with.... I've been trying to get out and party with my friends, but when the opportunity rolls around I don't feel like being around people... I just wanna crawl in a corner and die. The part that really doesn't help is that we still see each other almost every day. I don't want to, but it always seems to work out like that. I told her last wednesday that I didn't want us to talk or see each other for a few days and I ended up seeing her on thursday and then spending the night on friday and spending almost all of saturday with her. What also confuses me is how she acts towards me... When I got to her apt on Friday for dinner the first thing she did was walk up to me and start making out with me... I stopped her and asked what she was doing and she said, "I'm raping you!" We didn't do anything past kissing, but the next day she would completely avoid any physical contact. I'm just going through the day thinking, "What the heck happened to the Amy that wanted to rape me yesterday?" She completely changes her attitude toward me on a day-to-day basis and it's driving me crazy because this sort of thing has been going on for the past month! I can't stop thinking about who she might be seeing... I don't want to care about who she dates or who she sleeps with... I don't want to be in love with her anymore so I don't have to deal with these gut-wrenching feelings of heart-break and jealousy every time I hear about her going on a date. It feels like she's cheating on me and I can't take it... I don't want to deal with this anymore... I just wanna wake up tomorrow and be completely out of love with her... or just not wake up at all. It feels like it should get better when I talk to someone about it... but after a couple days all the pain and emotions come back. It doesn't feel like I'm ever gonna fall out of love with her... There's so much I feel like saying, but it would take pages and pages to write down all my emotions, feelings, and thoughts over the past month...

Lol, I have the same problem and I think its because "its" too used to my hand and how i get off to accept anything else other than sex.... weird

It doesn't come out very often, that was one time it did. Lol, well put. I do feel better about the situation now. I guess it wouldn't come as a surprise that she's told me similar things before. Thanks everyone for your comments, it helped knock some sense into me.