From_Mars

Hey peeps, Questions for y'all. Have any of you been in a situation where you met a person, had an instant connection with them, but weren't totally ready or even sure that you wanted to reciprocate the feelings they suddenly had for you? I mean, in my case, I got out of a 3 yr LD rel about 3 months ago and I'm wondering if it's still influencing me and making me a little cautious or withdrawn. How are you supposed to know whether it's the after shocks of a previous relationship or it's that you simply don't feel as strongly for that new person as they do for you? Just give it a shot? I worry because I don't want to enter a relationship under a pretense, especially when that person is obviously head over heels for me. Thanks for any advice.

Hey guys, If you're at all like me, music is a Godsend. The right stuff can make a huge difference in your attitude. I was wondering what people listen to during their tough times. Here are some bands & songs that I think might help you to mellow out and grab that bittersweet yet cautiously optimistic attitude: Amos Lee - Check out his album...this guy is awesome. The Eagles - 'One of These Nights', 'Take It Easy' and 'Desperado'. Matchbox 20 - I think Rob Thomas has gone through a thousand break ups. Mad Season album in particular ('Leave') is worth a listen. City and Colour - Newer artist. A little sadder, but might help you through those particularly tough times. Songs like, 'Save your Scissors', 'Comin' Home' and 'Day Old Hate' are good stuff. Goo Goo Dolls - These guys have made a career in romantic alternative rock. They can be cheesy, but they're great. U2 - I don't know where to start with U2. Just... everything. Also...learn to laugh. Grab some Dane Cook or something. The guy will brighten your day for a few hours at least.

Hey I'll hop on. Broke up just a few days ago... tough times at the moment. My case is like many othes I'm sure; LDR, she couldn't take it anymore. The distance didn't allow her to gain the confidence she needed in the relationship to take it to the next level. We'd been apart too long and too many things weren't being done right in order for her to be comfortable making a life-altering choice just so we can stay together. In the end, it wasn't worth it for her... not right now anyway. They claim they still love you, but the feeling seems distant and they no longer have the urge to act on it. They just need to be alone, to figure themselves out. Umm. Ok? I think ultimately what gets to me is the relentless search for the answer to the question: why? It's strange because you know that in the end, there really isn't an answer. There is no easy solution, but we still search in vain for it. The pain I think we all feel is a combination of a sense of loss, regret, anger, but ultimately detachment. From what I've read, most of the people on this message board are loyal and steadfast. Unfortunately, I think it's these qualities that are causing us the pain we all feel right now. The dumpee is always the one who, at the time, was ready to stick it out, thick or thin. I know that for myself, I like being in a steady relationship. I am comforted by the fact I have assured companionship and when someone becomes a vessel for all of your intimate emotional expression, it's very difficult to turn off that tap. I think, and hope, that it's completely natural to freak out, sob, punch holes in your wall, have the urge to write emails that don't make sense, text message etc etc. Essentially, it's like breaking an addiction (this site should just be called Relationships Anonymous or something). But guys, whatever your situation is, whatever the reason might be that your significant other 'just couldn't do it anymore', it doesn't matter. I mean, pretend someone contracted a disease that will physically disable them if left untreated. To combat it, they need to commit to consistent physiotherapy and diets. If that person spent all their energy trying to find the cause of the disease instead of fighting the effects, they'd wake up one day and realize that if they'd only focused on the right things, maybe they wouldn't be in a wheelchair with no hope of getting up again. You know what I mean? Of course, I'm sure we all know this in the back of our minds, but it doesn't make the pain go away. The only thing that will take the pain away is time. NC is important because it gives you time to go through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining and depression aren't pleasant things, but we need to go through them. We need to get pissed off at them and we need to try to reason it out... we need to go through the whole, "but maybe if I just do this... they'll come back' business because we need to understand that none of it will work. You need to be slapped in the face and taught those cruel life lessons and sob over them and mope around your house because that's the only way acceptance will come. You have to let this stuff happen to you, but at the same time you need to make an active effort to get out of the cycle. If you only ever focus on why it happened instead of 'it happened... now what?', you'll just drag yourself through a lot of unnecessary bulls**t. I don't know. I just try to realize that this person didn't 'complete me'. My life isn't a Jerry Maguire movie. If you are wandering around worrying that there's no way you can go back to being 'just half a person' again... you're taking romance stories too much to heart. These things aren't real life. Don't get me wrong... I definitely feel like a part of me is gone, but really I think it's more accurate to define it like 'this person is so familiar that life doesn't seem normal without them'. Guys, spend your time trying to understand that if you are feeling totally lost without this person, you've put too much emphasis on their importance in your lives. Realize that you've got your own path to make and your relationship with your girl/guy was more or less because you merged onto life's freeway alongside them for a while. Sometimes you might be going to the same place in the end, sometimes someone will take a turn off earlier than you expected. Just know that you never need someone else to complete you... that's not what true love is about. True love is the realization of a connection between each other and both have decided it's worth taking the risk for; worth fighting for through all obstacles. But ultimately its a two way street. Just hold tight to the knowledge that there is someone out there that will connect with you the way you need to be connected with. There are 6.5+ BILLION people in the world. That's a lot of F-ing zero's, people. I think the odds are pretty in favor of us. Sorry...this was long.

Hey all, I will try to be as concise as possible. It's easy to let these explanations get out hand. Background: 4 year relationship, 2 years long distance. Ended 2 weeks ago. The circumstances surrounded our conclusion are complex, but essentially we are an example of what happens to a couple if you don't communicate. I am very dedicated to my career (med school) and she was an elite athlete. She had to quit a few years ago due to financial reasons. After she quit she moved to where I was going to school and jumped on the post-secondary bandwagon. She didn't like it... she'd been an athlete her whole life. It was everything she identified with and without it, her self-image and confidence began to wane. Things became strained as I didn't have the perspective at the time to understand her state of mind. Communicating these things simply and honestly are important. We didn't do that. Things slowly came to a boil over a year. She lost her confidence, wasn't sure what she was doing... I became frustrated because anything I did was futile. Then she moved to another school (re-emergence of long distance). I wasn't as ambitious with regard to getting out there to see her because of the strain we had between us at the time. About a year later I got the, "We need to talk...". Status: The prospect of breaking up forced out the emotions I had under lock and key. I forced her and I through our communication barrier and we got a lot of stuff out into the open. However, about 2 weeks ago, she confessed (over many tears) that she is hopelessly confused and she doesn't think she can maintain a stable relationship right now. I let things simmer. We talked last night and she tells me that she needs to allow what's happened in her life to sink in. She needs to establish who she is and regain her self-confidence. She says she can't do this with me. So... what the hell. Despite my initial emotional atom bomb the night we became official 'ex's', my inevitable pragmatic attitude is now forcing me to make some tough decisions. From experience, hope can be a dangerous thing. In many circumstances, we hope for something only when that something is in all probability, unattainable. Sometimes hope is a necessary element in moving forward, but it can also lead us to linger in places that we needn't stick around. Unfortunately, I analyze things. I pay attention to every detail and won't rest until everything has been factored in. But with something like this, rationality and analysis will drive me nuts. There is no palpable answer; no direct solution. I am inclined to say to myself, "This is over. Move on." But I am torn ... is it possible she only needs time and we will continue on? Or should I play the safe road and begin to adjust to a life without her? What's more is that when I ask her if she feels lonely, she says she does, but not necessarily because I'm not around. I wonder if that's just a product of her being so used to us being apart. I want to be there for her, but I'm mentally exhausted. She's put me through the ringer for the last few months and I can't always be the one to push. I see all these threads about initiating NC but I can't convince myself that is the best thing to do. A part of me wonders if doing NC will give her time to miss me, see what things will be like with be completely out of the picture... or if it will only facilitate her feelings of being distant from me in the first place. I truly feel things would be much different if we lived 15 mins away versus 3 hrs. Realize that this is a woman I would easily consider being with for good. I wonder if anyone reading this might have some insight into what the best course of action is here. Thanks alot guys.