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Arrowsmith

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  1. Arrowsmith
    But don't you think that sometimes things that don't creep into people's conscience are still wrong? Different people have different consciences, but to me what's right and wrong shouldn't depend on this. I totally agree with your post, but my question is "when have you crossed the line?". It's OK to be about to cross this line, and it's not OK to cross the line. That's what the line means. Are you saying that if you question your action you shouldn't do it? That sounds overly restrictive. I think you and Kaleidoscope are on the same page here though.
  2. Arrowsmith
    I think we can all agree that having sex with someone, while you're in a committed relationship with someone else, is cheating; and smiling at someone else, under the same circumstances, is not cheating. What I'd like to know from you is where to draw the line. Is it OK to laugh at their jokes? To call them by name? To touch them on the arm when you talk to them? To make a sexual inuendo? To make a sexually explicit joke? Hug them with full body contact? Discuss your dissatisfaction with your current relationship? Kiss them? If you feel like your relationship is going downhill is it OK to "toe the line" with someone else as long as you don't step over it? If it's not OK, what's the point of the line anyway?
  3. Arrowsmith
    Ailex1987, why do you care if it was cheating or not? It's just a word. whether it was "cheating" or "not cheating" doesn't change what you did. Wondering whether something is robbery or not is important because robbery has a legal definition and if you're guilty of robbery has real consequences. There's no law against cheating (unless you're married), and the consequences of your actions are the same no matter what you call it. Maybe what you're really after is "do you think what I did was morally wrong?". That's a question that makes more sense to me. And I think the answer is "I guess a little, but don't sweat it - you just have to deal with the consequences, and next time break up with the first guy first."
  4. Arrowsmith
    I think it's technically cheating since you kissed Javier before you told Thomas that you wanted to break up. On the other hand, it's certainly different from the usual cheating scenario. Maybe we need a new word for this kind of cheating. But, you know, at the end of the day, these kinds of classifications are just words.
  5. Arrowsmith
    I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I'm 35 (almost 36) and my gf is 25. The same age gap that you had. Teacup, what made your relationship so painful? Was it related to the age gap?
  6. Arrowsmith
    Sounds like there are other factors at work here. Other people maybe?
  7. Arrowsmith
    Quietgrl, why do you feel that online people are overlooking you? Your thread seems to have attracted a lot of attention. People here care about you, believe it or not. Thank you for writing about your ideal man. You know, I think a lot of people share your dream. Remember though that different people get into relationships for different reasons, and actual men (as opposed to "ideal men") have their own agendas, which may or may not agree with yours. No one gets into a relationship because they want to help someone in despair - people get into relationships because they want to improve the quality of their own lives. It may sound a little cold, but if you introspect I think you'll find it's true. The way to get a good relationship is, in part, to bring something to the table. Work on yourself and the men will come. I like your TV show idea and I think it would be very successful with your fellow enotalone posters. I'm not so sure about the population at large though...
  8. Arrowsmith
    This is probably something that I should have asked earlier: What, exactly, do you mean by "commitment"? That you'll have sex only with each other and no one else until one of you decides to break up, or that neither of you will ever have sex with anyone else? Sorry if this question sounds naive or insensitive, but I think it's important. You mentioned that you are a writer and you also said that you were going to watch TV. Do you have a regular work schedule? Do you work from home? How many hours a week do you spend at home?
  9. Arrowsmith
    Whoa, don't give up. There are committment-oriented, nonreligious men in this world. Renaissancewoman's advice is good -- if you're happy with your life in other respects the relationship part can often just sort of fall into place. Is Charlie in a committed relationship with this girl he's with now? I wish there was something I could do to cheer you up.
  10. Arrowsmith
    Hey Quietgrl, I'm sorry you feel alone and sad. You do realize, don't you, that *all* of us feel that way. That's why we're here. So you're really not alone at all. Why did you have to say goodbye to Charlie anyway? I've read some of your posts and I think you have some good wisdom to share. And I can't really believe that there aren't *any* reasonable, attractive, single guys in their 30s in NorCal. I moved from Menlo Park to SoCal a few years ago -- if I hadn't I hope that I would have been a member of that elusive species.
  11. Arrowsmith
    I'm 35, so I guess I don't really qualify as one of the young people that you hope will be reading this great thread. Still, I've gotten an awful lot of out of it - Thanks to all of you who have been posting your stories. Lostandadrift: I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, and I sincerely hope that the support you've found here as helped a little. Do any of you have any advice as to how one might avoid having a mid-life crisis?
  12. Arrowsmith
    Are you going to school? Are you religious? Does the idea that you can pick your own meaning for life appeal to you? Sorry if that sounds cheesy, but it's actually a thought that brings me some comfort from time to time. I mean, I don't believe there is a real *meaning* to life, but I've decided that while I'm here I'm going to try to figure out how the brain works. We need some help with this if you're interested....
  13. Arrowsmith
    Freedom, have you ever been the victim of a tempter?
  14. Arrowsmith
    I don't think that hitting on married people is OK -- it was an error in judgement the one time I did it. I don't think there *is* a serpent in real life. In real life most evil people are weak. There are very few people who actively want to hurt others. But many people are too weak to do the right thing even when they know what it is.
  15. Arrowsmith
    I hit on a married woman last year. She told her husband about it ("if didn't stop, I'm not sure where I would have drawn the line". Sheesh. Flattering. But I was wrong. Bad, Arrowsmith, Bad!) So, he hates me now. And I live in constant fear that my current gf will find out about it (she knows the couple, although not too well). Just in case anyone needed a good pragmatic reason not to hit on married women...
  16. Arrowsmith
    Sorry, I gotta respectfully disagree here -- you at least have keen insight into human relationships. That's gotta with some women.
  17. Arrowsmith
    Koolaid, can I ask how old you are? Do you think things might get better when you are move to a different environment?
  18. Arrowsmith
    Oh come on Starfall - you can't just drop a provactive bomb like that without explaning it. I won't be able to get any work done today because I'll be too busy speculating!
  19. Arrowsmith
    Freedom, I would be very unhappy if someone were trying to hit on my partner in an attempt to bed them; nevertheless, I don't think they are morally at fault. If my partner were to go along with it, she would be morally at fault. If I spend all my money on all the appealing crap I see advertised on TV, I don't blame the marketers, I blame myself. I made the decision to spend my money that way.
  20. Arrowsmith
    The onus not to cheat is on the person in the relationship. To my mind, the single person is not under a moral obligation to push the attached person away.
  21. Arrowsmith
    Kimmypoo, it's time for some rigorous relationship definitions. No "dating" vs. "seeing each other" vs. "being boyfriend/girlfriend". These phrases mean different things to different people, and some guys will hide behind that ambiguity. If you feel it's the right time, you should have a talk with him: not about "are we dating or seeing each other?" but "which specific BEHAVIORS are we going to engage in with each other and which are we going to engage in with other people?" You should not agree to have sex with him unless he agrees to forgo sex with other people.
  22. Arrowsmith
    Yes, you're doing the right thing. She sounds shortsighted and selfish from your description. Given your history with her how would you be able to trust her? And what's the point in being there for someone that isn't there for you?
  23. Arrowsmith
    Tiredman's point #3 is right on the money. I wish I'd thought to point that out.
  24. Arrowsmith
    I think it's a power thing. And it's kind of exciting because it's deviant. Wholesome sex can be boring sex.
  25. Arrowsmith
    What do you think of people who prefer to date (or in the extreme, only date) people from a particular racial group other than their own? I've been thinking about this issue for a while and I'm still on the fence about it. On the one hand, everyone has their own idiosyncracies when it comes to what they like in a partner, but on the other hand it suggests an attraction to a cultural stereotype that may supercede attraction to the individual. What do you think?
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