WildChild

I agree with survictor completely. You can get through this, and you will. Be strong, and have faith in yourself. You were so optimistic a few days ago, and that is what you need, and you have the support of your son as well. BTW, I wondered if the site was Pogo...I play there too

Maple, DO NOT GO OUT WITH HER TONIGHT! She is playing games, and you are going to get burned badly if you play along with her, and at this point you are. I know you love her, I know you shared a home together but this girl is beyond you at this point. She is going to drag you along for as long as she can. Why? Because first, and she has you to fall back on when he's not around, or maybe they aren't getting along. And second, who knows if this new guy will last so you will be there to comfort her, take her back, and forgive her UNTIL he and she talk again or some other bloke comes along. This is harsh, this is hurtful, and this feels like your world has ended as you knew it. BUT it is not good for you to try to win her back, you will only hurt yourself more. Ruining your friendship with her by asking her to be truthful and give you answers you deserve? Let me ask you this: did she care about your friendship when she slept with him? When she lied to you about where she was going to meet him last night? When she has had numerous secret conversations with him behind your back? Did she care about your friendship when she has been lying to you since God knows when? When she chose to move in with you and then leave you financially strapped I'm not even going to express my thoughts about her saying she wasn't going to sleep with him last night. You know the truth, and you are grasping that maybe once she will tell you the truth. The best thing for you, and I really mean this, is for you to ignore her, quit accepting any conversations, meetings or otherwise with her. Do you deserve answers? Hell yes. Are you going to get answers that you can trust? About them: no. About you two: no. About your relationship: no. As for her being scared and does things to push people away. Who's excuse is that for her behavior: yours or hers? Yes when people get close they sometimes push people away in fear of their feelings or rejection. But if she was that scared of her feelings for you, would she do what she has done to the extent she has? Lying to you, sleeping with someone else? I have been through this all. I believed the lies and then crushed when I found out he had lied again. And when I did find out the truth I would be hurt, angry, and most of all mad at myself for being played the fool again. I couldn't eat, sleep, socialize or function most days. I would come up with plans for myself, and then lose any personal energy to do anything but think about him and winning him back. I begged, pleaded, groveled, and promised. I lowered myself in the sake of saving our marriage. For who? Some man who made empty promises, a habitual liar, and a cheat. A man who rather than tell me he was unhappy chose to have an affair, dismiss his family as though we were strangers, and continue to lie about her, them, and our future. And the whole time through all of it, I kept trying. Why? Because I had faith in him, and our marriage and family. Everything he didn't have. And in the end, my faith turned into myself and getting me and the children through this. And I did. I finally gave up on him and us, but I never gave up on myself. And I'm a much better person today because of it. I know it sounds goofy, but really read that line from Jack Sparrow: Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly.

See! Everything happens for a reason, and meeting this new guy last night has soared your spirits Mary. I'm glad to hear you are learning to love yourself again. You do need to love yourself first in order for anyone to truly love you. Those are some hard words to come by somedays, at least for me, but in all reality it is the truth. Use the strength you have and move past this first guy and enjoy your time with those who enjoy you for who you are. Plus, why have someone or something ruin it when you are taking your free time to play at the game site..that is your time to have fun

Wow. I think you have made so many right decisions right now for yourself. First being, telling him the truth. Second, he is prejudice and this is going against your morals. That certainly is not something that can provide a promising future for you. Please don't put yourself in a position of compromising your morals. Third, and most important, you are seeing for the first time in a long time how beautiful you are inside and out. Maybe this has been a learning experience for you in the aspect that you started feeling better about yourself, feeling desirable, realizing what you will or will not tolerate in your life and/or a relationship, and finding yourself again. In terms of doing things with him you never have, that is not uncommon for people to sometimes step out of their norm and having never imagined it in a million years. Maybe this (cypering) won't be something that you will ever do again, or maybe it is. I've experience things with my current bf that I never thought imaginable. Who knows. Regardless, congrats on making the decision of telling him the truth. That is a huge step. Be prepared though. You got yourself into this mess, and only you can get yourself out. Keep in mind too that overall, he may give you the desires, but he doesn't sound like a guy you would "bring home to mom and pop."

How do you understand how she cheated on you? Were there things that "drove" her to do that if she is this sweet girl you say she is? What you feel right now are unfortunately the painstaking steps of hurting, ending a relationship, and moving forward in whatever direction this is suppose to take you. If it hurts you so bad, and you understand why she did it, try taking the approach of realizing it is what it is. You don't have to hate her, you can hold onto the memories and cherish that you had the experience with her. Give each of yourselves time to sort through this, and in the end figure out why it did. The first line of business, and as hard as it is, you have to be honest with yourself, including about who each of you are. The hardest thing to do is analyze yourself, but in order to heal and move forward with or without her, you have to look at yourself and see what if anything you did, or could change. Not for her, but for yourself and the rest of your life.

Wow, I am really sorry that you are going through this. I have red flags flying up when reading your post. I could be way off on this one, because not knowing anything about this relationship outside of a few posts, but I think this girl is not being honest with you, and if I dare use the ole cliche', she's playing on both sides of the fence. If she has gotten tons of texts from this guy, this is not something that just started the day you found them persay. I guess being in similar situations before, I would bet the days she was sad she genuinely was, but the days she has showed no emotions were the days she has contact with him. I would bet the farm on that one. Further, what justification and exactly who does she think she is to cheat on you "to show you what is wrong"??? Did she bother to tell you what she felt was wrong PRIOR to her cheating? Or what about after she was 'caught with her pants down'. She has no respect for you regardless if you have problems or not. It's not just a one night thing she did with this guy, this is a relationship between them in whatever sense of relationship they call it. She had motives to move in with you, and she has motives that her Mom is rescuing her, and that is exactly what it is. I would bet she has filled her Mom with some bogus story and that is why her Mom will be showing up in 48 hours. Alone? What will be worse in terms of lonliness? You ending this and working through the motions and emotions; or, staying with her, spending time with her not knowing what she is doing during the time she is not with you, you waiting for her and she never comes home? I would rather be lonely and by myself in a room with no one else, than be lonely with someone in the same room. Please hang in there. I know it seems like you two were fate, but not the fate I think you were hoping. Whether or not you had problems, this girl has duped you bad, she does not deserve to be your girlfriend no matter how much you love her. Here's part of a line from Jack Sparrow in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, and I love it because it really does ring some truth: Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly.

I'm not sure where to start, so I will start with the basics of human nature. It's not a sin to feel desired by anyone and this man has made you feel things you thought were long lost. Obviously it goes without saying that you are playing with fire when you lied about your age, and that is where you will have a lot of explaining to do if and when he finds out. People do things impulsively and I would gather that you shooting out another age was on impulse never imagining you would be in the position you are now. It actually is pretty unfortunate because at this point you have now sent him photos of you that are years younger and have fueled this fire beyond a smolder. Although impulsively, I don't understand why you felt the need to lie about your age...for the fear of rejection more than likely however you did not give him the opportunity to honestly make that decision for himself as to whether he would pursue someone much older than he, and may be angry that you did lie to him all the way around. At this point, you have options and none to which will be the ending you are hoping. First, you can continue this charade and hope that he will never want to meet. Second, you can be completely honest with him and take your medicine on how he chooses to respond to your lying, or third, you can end this now and discontinue talking with him. In terms of therapy, I understand you cannot afford this without medical insurance. However, there are support groups that you can join. You can go to the library and gather books on how to manage your anxiety, fear of rejection, and fear of social situations. I hope this ends with as little damage to either of you. Good Luck!

Oh! Congratulations!!!! I am proud of you, be careful and fly safe

Congratulations! I hope all goes well for both you and the little guy!

My concern with this whole situation is on a few levels. First is the fact that she calls him and asks him to divorce you and marry her? My guess is that she feels inadequate to him since they have been on and off for 10 years, he meets you and marrys you within 5 months. I do believe he was upset with her phone call and the reason being is because he was so open to show you the email. He may or may not see it as being bad, but it does say a lot that he showed you. My guess is that because they have been friends (outside of lovers) for so long he may just be used to talking to her that way. However, once he married you those suggestive coversations should've ended. He knows this, and if he denies knowing that tell him he is too smart of a person not to realize it is wrong regardless of their history. Second, yes it is walking a thin line, however I cannot agree with him ending all communication with her completely and to never talk to her again. Should they be talking on a regular basis? No. But it is not fair of you to ask him to never converse with her again. They both need to respect the fact that you two are married now, and she needs to face the cold reality of it all. However, if you put all those restrictions on their relationship of never talking again and he opposes this, I can only guess that they will find other ways of communicating, he will feel the need to lie to you (which so far we have found him to be forthright), and you will feel 100% worse, cheated on and hurt when you do happen upon their conversations of other means. I believe at this point, and if you really truly love this man, you are going to need to back off slightly. Like you said, you two are just getting to know one another, and you have left your home to be with your husband of 2 months, and a friend of only 7. I would let him know you have thought about this a lot. You understand they are just friends, even though they had an intimate relationship. Yes, that makes you feel insecure given how long you have known one another, but you also realize how much he does love you. That her calling and suggesting divorce to you and remarriage to her appalls you, and you then questioned her intentions. But given how long they have known one another, if they did happen to speak to or run into one another you would accept that, however not on a regular basis and cerainly not in the context of the past conversations. That you want you both to focus on you two's future and happiness, and not someone or some relationship from his past. Good luck sweetie!

Couldn't agree with you more

Well, good. I hope whatever you do your mind will be a million miles away from the anniversary. I do have to say, I stand by what I said earlier. Regardless if she is making plans with you now, I would still evaluate if she is "still a selfish little girl" like you similarily referred to her as, if you as a changed person can either live with that or not.

It sounds as though you have been to hell and back in the last three years and deserve a pat on the back for everything you have worked through. All of these things that you have experienced are "eye openers" and fortunately for you, you have become a better person for surviving emotionally, physically, and mentally. Your gf however may not understand or grasp any of this and the only true way to find out is to simply explain to her exactly what you have explained here and see what her reaction is, or how she responds. Honestly, this is something that you need to find out right away during the initial reconcilliation before you go any further, including the day of the anniversary of your father's death and any plans you are trying to make with her. You will have enough to think about, you do not need to think about how your girlfriend was not there for you or making your day even more miserable. Maybe you two are no longer compatible in this type of a relationship. I certainly would find it sad to see anyone who has come as far as you have anyone bring you down.

You may have a history together, however people can change over time and given that you two were broken up for a significant amount of time she may be a different person than who she was when you first met her or when you originally broke up. I'm not saying that she is a bad person, however depending on what your relationship was like before maybe there is more behind this decision. Just a thought: were you ever not there for her when she needed you, asked you to be, or otherwise should have been? You have to be honest because maybe she is giving you a taste of your own medicine as one possibility.

I don't understand why she didn't invite you along. Given the situation, even if it is "her way of not losing herself" what a perfect way to keep your mind off of things. I have to say, I would be evaluating this. May seem petty to some, but may be a good indicator to who and what she is really about. How long have you two been together?

Thank you rightfromthestart. I look forward to chapter 2.

Couldn't have said it any better. Amazing isn't it? Different people, lives, etc.. but when it comes to cheating it's all the same.

I am so sad to read your post I went through something similar as you are right now and what helped me, and I read it over and over, was a book written by Dr. James Dobson entitled "Love Must Be Tough" That book saved me I don't know how many times, and ironically he has an excerpt in it regarding the same situation that you are in now. Stay strong, love yourself, and go with your gut

How do you cheat for that long and not get caught? Why did you think she was cheating on you, and with that reason how come you cheated on her for that long to only figure it out now that she hadn't? Why now does the remorse kill you after all this long?

There may be the presumption by your boyfriend's friend that they did sleep together because they left together and/or the fact that he stayed at her house. Did his friend give any details as to how he has this knowledge? Furthermore, you mention that your original argument was over this girl, why? I understand completely going places and feeling as the person you are with has slept with every Sally, Sue and Jane and it does become hard not to let that get to you. Yes, ultimately in the end they chose "us" but at the same time even though they are with "us" , does not necessarily always mean the other girl cares I will tell you though, you sound very intelligent, and you say you are very good looking. Through all of that though comes insecurity because if you were that secure in who you were inside and out you wouldn't feel the need to be insecure about everyone of them that comes into the picture at one point or another. Keep in mind that insecurity and continuous jealousy make a beautiful person seem ugly. Go with your gut on this one

I guess I don't understand if you had pretty much written him off as you said in your first post, then why did you do that? You make it sound as though he didn't contact you, and then when he did you met his mom? Why would you even wonder what it meant if a month ago you wrote him off. I think there is more feelings here than you are allowing yourself to realize, and more importantly I think you want to come accross as it is no big deal the whole thing is just about sex because if it were, why wouldn't you have slept with him the night you met his mom?

Welcome to Enotalone. The first thing I can tell you, is this is not about you. This is about him, and the ability he has taken upon himself to waltz in and out of your life and unfortunately you have allowed him to. Second, who knows what his intentions with this new gal are...maybe he will do the same thing to her as he did to you. And third, and most important: be happy you are rid of him! Why would you want someone who can walk in and out of your life, sleep with other women, come back to you when he is bored or whatever with them, and then leave again when he is tired of you or met someone who catches his eye at the moment. You have given him the right to do this to you, now it's up to you to prevent that from ever happening again. You tell us of all these great qualities you have, let them shine through for someone who is deserving of them

It's always been the thought that if you introduce your "date" to your parents that the relationship has taken the next step. In most instances that is correct, but there are people who don't see it that way and don't think twice about introducing them to their parents. I guess considering you haven't seen or talked to him in a month, I may just keep the mind set that it didn't mean anything and go from there. Your best clue will be how he interacts with you now after you have met her.

You need to have faith in yourself, and most importantly you need to remember that you were you way before your boyfriend or your ex. Take pride in who you are, and each day you will see the wonderful qualities you hold. Everyone has bad days, but keep in mind your boyfriend saw those qualities in you. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth so just because you are divorced, does not mean that your relationship with your boyfriend will turn out the same. Of course it never hurts to watch your back so you don't get stomped on, but don't let the ruins of your last relationship flood the one you are in now

I understand that you are concerned with his friends behavior and how that might reflect on their plans when they go out, but I am a little more than curious why you have such a "fear of him cheating on me or doing something behind my back" unless there is more reason than what you may be letting on. Were you ever cheated on by him or your ex, or has he done something to you to make you think he would? We all have friends or know someone whose behavior is questionable when it comes to relationships, but I think you are putting a lot of unnecessary burden on your boyfriend, and for some people that is a real turn off. The ole saying is "if ya think I am, I might as well be doing it". Tell him your concerns about his buddy, but don't make it his issue.