WildChild

Orlander, you've had a lot of changes in the last 2 years, and you have survived it all through perserverance and your own strength. As painful as it is right now, I know you will make it through this. Keep believing in yourself, have faith in yourself and be proud of yourself and your accomplishments.

Oh Orlander I am so sorry I am just floored! I know that's not what you need to hear right now, but I just feel so bad that after all that has happened and been said between you two, that this is what it's all about? I know this seems obvious, but if she has been lying to you for this long or about what her feelings were, you need to concentrate on working through this and move on and let the past go. You didn't deserve this, at the very least to be lied to in such a manner. Take care of yourself please.

I think given the fact too that I have found this out from a mutual friend of me and her (the ex) makes it even more bothersome. It certainly wasn't anything he told me about, I didn't even know they were chatting. I guess my thought is this: if ya run into one another, fine: chit chat and catch up. But to go out of your way to email, call, lunch or anything else and especially given I can't stand her? Why? I'm trying to not make this into anything in the sense of they would have cheated but it's hard to not look at the whole pic when he never told me they were chatting, never told me about this pot lunch, and seemed totally surprised that I disliked her so much when I told him: he's totally aware that I think she is a disgrace.

I'm glad to hear that you two were able to discuss this more. I'm sure it has to be a good sense of relief for you both that you are able to open up to one another and know that the other person is really listening; moreover, having someone you each can count on.

Well, the topic has yet to be brought up. I've been cool and semi-distant with him during the time we have spent together. I guess at sometime I will have to mention something, because to be honest I almost feel like it's a sense of betrayal.

My thought is this: what's the hurry? I understand that this relationship has been on and off for you two, however, given that you have finally opened up to her this truly could be like a fresh start. I would give it some time, and letting her know fully that there is no guarantee, but that you are enjoying her and the relationship right now. If she truly meant that she would give you time, and truly loves you, then I have to believe that she will understand and accept this. This will allow you time to really determine if your new found feelings for her are genuine, or if they are just part of the healing process of your last 8 years.

Thanks Suzy, I appreciate it. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind to think I was wrong to be upset. I'm glad to hear that I'm not wrong. At this point, I would almost feel stupid if I did say it was o.k. and forgive him...as we have had some rocky points with me wondering if he really can be trusted. I guess unless and until he admits how stupid he was, maybe then I would consider it, but at some point I have to put my foot down, and kick him to the curb for good if this crap doesn't stop. Maybe this is the time. I dunno.

His way of understanding was to hang up. We have yet to talk since last night, and at this point he can go fly a kite. I am not a very judging person, but this girl is unflipping believable. She had called me in the past when they were dating (unbeknownst to me) and blocked her number, lied about her name, told me they were living together (lie) and engaged to get married (lie) and wanted to know why I was calling their home...I told her he and I were friends, didn't tell her we had once dated, and said that she should really talk to him about this. She said she tried, but he wouldn't tell her anything and she started to get mouthy with me. I again told her to talk to him, and to not call me again. I told him all of this after they broke up and he was shocked. Her background is she is 25, gave her parental rights of her three young children up to her mother, but lives at her Mom's house, stayed at his house 3-4 days/nights a week when they dated for three months (basically leaving her children anyway), doesn't hold a job but 4 months out of the year, hangs out in the bars however many nights a week and will go after any man who will take her home that night (how he and she met), or who has money not mattering what their age. At one point when she was 24, she was dating a 55 year old construction owner. Her game with me that night was one of MANY that mutual people have told me. I finally confronted her about it about a year ago, told her my feelings of her and her dispicable life, and how ashamed she should be of herself. I said my peace, and told him about the conversation. Heck, even his long time ex girlfriend can't stand her and she agrees with me (according to him) that we can't figure out why he ever would have dated her with the reputation she has. So to find out that they have been communicating the last week via email, and he mentioned they should go out to lunch sometime BLOWS ME AWAY. And the kicker is, at first he was like, "what are you talking about". When I explained a mutual friend told me he had suggested lunch sometime, his response was, "It's not like that." I replied, and not too nicely that he knows I absolutely hate this girl for who she is and what she is about, and he laughingly says "Well I guess you do." and hung up. Nice.

The relationship between them was not what you would call an "ever lasting relationship." It didn't end horribly, but there certainly wasn't any "love" lost between them and it ended nearly two years ago. The female is well known in terms of being loose, as well as playing games at other people's expense. The man is not one to hold grudges or ill feelings per say for long periods of time, so I can't say that any ill feelings he had towards her two years ago are ones that he still harbors. HOWEVER, it has been discussed that she is not someone the current partner trusts, nor likes at all because of the ex's behavior, and he has been told that since the very beginning of his relationship. So maybe a better question now would be to ask this: given her past, and given his tendency to not hold grudges, but knows how his current partner feels, why would he feel the need to go out of his way to ask his ex out to lunch. He himself has said she has been laid more than an Alaskan pipeline, and at one time did think of her as a "low life." I just don't see any logic in having to go for lunch, or really to have to catch up especially given his opinion of her after their breakup.

I don't really see or understand a reason for it either. My thoughts are if you run into each other, fine, catch up. But to go out of your way to catch up when there is no other reason/connection outside of your past relationship, I can't say it's right. Especially when the relationship was only 3 months long, and was on and off the whole time. I appreciate your guys input.

The lunch would be just a "catch up" and the current partner, who despises the ex, is not invited and found out about the potential lunch date through a mutual friend.

I'd like everyone's opinion on this question: What would be your feelings if your current partner invites an ex out to lunch for whatever reason. The ex is someone you cannot stand and your partner knows this.

Wow sbay. I guess I don't know what to say. I mean, the ole cliche' is once a cheater, always a cheater; but, I don't think that is always the case. The problem here though, is that it appears by what you have told us is that he definitely has a pattern. I hate to say that he can't be trusted because honestly, how do we know that he isn't being faithful. BUT if I had to form an opinion based on all of this? I would be very, very cautious if not backing away completely.

Peace I know this is a very difficult time in struggling to make sense of all of this and how he went about it. I know it must be hard to not take this personally, but honey you can't. Is it fair the way he went about it? Absolutely not! But this is about him, not you. Does it effect you? Of course it does, you cared and/or loved this man and found out things further into the relationship than it should have gone. It doesn't take away the pain, or the hurt, or the betrayal you feel, but my concern for you right now is that you are taking this personally. This is something that is rooted for years, and not something that you or any other person can solve outside of himself. The one thing is that I believe he knows his reasoning behind all of this, but given when and how this started is beyond the repair that you/others can fix. He has to be the one, and hopefully someday he will either A) realize this is not normal given his childhood, or B) seek a professional to help. Even though I believe he knows based on his childhood that this may be behind his illogical reasonings in relationships, he obviously is not in a position to do anything about it. If I dare say, it's all he knows. In a sense, it's like an adult abuser who grew up in an abusive home in their childhood. It's all they know. Does it make it right? No! BUT, until the cycle is broken by their own determination, the pattern is going to continue throughout their life. As is your ex. (((Hugs)))

Hopefully you too will find this as a great source to turn to. Even with family and friends, I found many times this was the one place I could let it all out and it has been a great source of relief for me many times. I have met a lot of wonderful, caring people who here who have been there many times just to listen, and show compassion and of course bring great humor PS Each one of the quotes represent a part in my life or inspire me. Amazing how words can have such an impact.

What a great inspiration to say the least. Although you have endured a lot in the last two years, you certainly are in a very balanced place right now. Sometimes what seems like the end really is only the beginning. You have taken great insight not only in the relationship aspect, but also from within yourself. You should be very proud of yourself, your strength, and the courage it takes to overcome.

Welcome to "e"! I guess I am wondering two things: 1) How long have you been together, and 2) Why was the relationship rocky in the beginning?

IMHO, if you have kept quiet to her this long, maybe now is the time to say something. Let her know that you don't believe anything that she says and to leave you alone. Next time she tries contacting either one of you, you will report her to the police. This way she has been warned, and she has the choice to either contact you, or not contact you. You have been quiet long enough, and now she needs to know that enough is enough. If you can, go back and write down dates that she has done these things to you. You will need them for the RO.

I have read this post and reread it, and I have a few thoughts. First, I’m sorry that after 7 months this comes out. Regardless for his reasoning, those reasons should have been apparent to him far sooner than 7 months into it. It makes me wonder if there is more behind this. But that would be pure speculation unless something new has transpired since your initial post. When was the last time you did talk to him or hear from him? And also how do you know he placed a profile on a dating site so soon after your breakup? Whether right or wrong, I think what he is trying to get accross is that he wants to find someone who would naturally do these things. I don’t think he knows how to put this into words so that it will make sense to anyone. Keep in mind, he has kept this to himself for that same reason i.e. should he mention this to someone who isn’t into those fantasy roles, he thinks he will come accross as looking like nothing less than a pervert, fetish freak or whatever he thinks his partner will think etc. I guess in other words, how do you explain this very private desire to someone, when you yourself can’t really put it into words or in a way that will make sense. Hence, that is where a woman who “naturally” does this comes into play. Words won’t be necessary, she will dress this way or whatever without nothing having to be said. That is where I think you are being hard on yourself as well. It’s not a matter of you being wrong or whatever, but because he has a difficult time expressing this, he is just hoping that he will find someone who will do these things without having to be told or asked. Does that make sense? It’s not a matter of you being a mind reader, I think what he may have been trying to say is that if this is something that someone gets into, no one would ever have to ask etc. it would just happen naturally. However, you or whatever other woman could fight the same fight and say the exact same thing his reasoning is: how do you express to someone that you have the desire to do these things without looking like a “freak” to the other person if in fact this is something you are into. As for him going to online dating sites, I am wondering if he is doing that in the hopes to find someone he can role play with. He has admitted, or you are aware, that he has gone to great lengths to satisfy these urges. If the urge is strong enough, he will do what he has to in order to relieve this sexual tension until of course he finds someone who matches his desires. Although it is hard for people to understand, and his logic does seem shallow, we all have an “idea” of who we want. You yourself mentioned there is a certain “style” you go for in men, although he does not fit that style. I think he has a lot of feelings for you, and I don’t think he was being dishonest in the things he has told you. I think he is actually being smart by ending this/telling you and another poster hit it right on the head: it’s better that you find this out now, than 10 years down the line when you find out he has been doing things behind your back or whatever. I believe it was Beec that mentioned that you have to decide as well if this is something you can do. If it is, than you need to express that to him. What is private between a couple is private. It’s not something you have to announce to the world, or even to us. His law school reasoning, I don’t even want to touch that. I don’t know if he is being serious, or if he is using that as an excuse. I believe that something happened in his childhood. I’m not saying that he was molested or whatever, or he certainly could have. I think something when he was young has triggered this in him, and mainly because of what he has said to you. Listen to what he has said. With that, I think he is hoping to find someone who can live out these fantasies with him, and by doing so he will feel comfortable in expressing whatever it is that happened all those years ago. Maybe it was nothing major but an experience, or a movie, or whatever. But something triggered this desire. If what you have told us is exactly what he said to you, then what he is desiring is someone who will know for themselves when to “behave badly”. Someone who isn’t a hooker or whatever, but a woman who has their daily life, work, independent etc. who when the time feels right, will slip on the stilettos. I think that his desires may have been misconstrued by some that he wants someone to dress like this all of the time. Beec said it right. Figure out what you want. Don’t expect him back if these are desires that you internally want, because of the whole law school thing (if that is the truth). However, maybe he wanted to tell you this to see what your reaction was. That maybe he really does care for you, and is hoping that you like the same fantasies. Amazing how he said he can’t talk to women about it, yet he did open up to you even if it was during the breakup. Like he is hoping in a @ss backward way that by breaking up with you, and spilling the beans about this, that in the end he has every hope that you are into this fantasy and never intended on really breaking up, just used that as the opener to this. And finally, you have to figure out if he is someone you want or not. Your signals are mixed. Don’t talk to him or broach this subject with him unless you totally and completely know that if he does want you two together, that you want the same thing.

I like it when it is at least trimmed. It doesn't have to be shaved, but I perfer that.

I was really naughty the other day LOL

Female: A

Glad to hear that you are doing better! Congratulations again on the lil tyke, Mommy

I certainly think you have many red flags in this situation. As a parent, it goes without saying that your children are your #1 priority. This man has major anger issues and wants to take them out on your children. With this, he has become controling of your relationship and is giving you the guilt factor in all of this. Your children need you, especially now more than ever given the situation with their father. As for his parents, I can only imagine what he has said. Granted your children have fueled this fire with their making up stories, and it should be addressed as to the consequences people suffer when they lie. However, this man has admitted he wants to hurt your children, you see his anger growing out of control, and by allowing him to stay in your lives I can only think that things are going to get way worse physically, emotionally and mentally for you and your children. Your children may be acting out because of the many turns of events in the last few months, and I would strongly suggest that you seek counseling for them whether through schools, church, or private counseling. They are learning these patterns, and without you putting a stop to them witnessing this it could lead to behavioral problems for them in the future. Lastly, none of this is good for you. You are being put in the position to choose between he or your children. You obviously care about their welfare or you wouldn't have had their father investigated. By your bf continuing to make you feel guilty about this or that, it is going to ultimately take its toll on you. You have already admitted that you are trying to keep your children in check for the sake of your bf's sanity and your relationship. Ask yourself this: what or how would you feel if you didn't do anything about getting him out of your life and he ends up hurting one of your children. He has already warned you.

I am so sorry to read about the complications. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope she is doing better since your last post. Do take care of yourself.