Caterina

Fear is an alarm. It can't consume your life, but at the same time it also serves as a warning to prevent you from being harmed. If you think you are strong enough to see her with another man at this point, go to it...but you seem aware of the risk. Your friend is getting mad for good reasons, but then again, he wasn't in the relationship you were in. Your fear is legit...seeing an ex with someone else has the potential to be very hurtful even if we are over them in a sense.

The way you're handling it is very healthy. Its hard to get what you know to be rationally correct to work with what your emotions want.

Maybe he senses desperation, maybe he doesn't. Don't sweat it. It might be nothing...and even if it is, don't allow it to preoccupy your thoughts when you could actually be having fun instead of torturing yourself with speculations.

Don't go crazy over this guy, you barely know him. It sounds like you are overanalyzing. Play it cool. He may come around, but if he doesn't, so what? There are plenty of fish in the sea.

You never know for sure, though. She might enjoy your presense but isn't ready for something more. Its always a risk to ask, but then you'll know.

You won't ever be able to tell for sure...unless she wants you to. I've done all kinds of things when I've liked guys and all of them were different. I'm naturally a touchy person, so that doesn't mean that I have a romantic interest if I touch you necessarily. Mostly, if I'm overly intimidated by him, I'll throw a lot of sarcasm at him. If I think that I might have a chance, I'll seem really happy in his presense and glow while talking to him. Hasn't happened in a really long time for me *sigh*.

It sounds partially like you are convincing yourself. But, I have a similar problem just to a lesser degree. Try thinking of girls as only friends...first, think of them as a sibling, or as something entirely harmless/unintimidating. Practice on women that intimidate you less...then start casually talking to them...you'll gain more confidence and then be able to come around women who make you feel comfortable. Plus, some women just naturally make men uncomfortable...try to be around people who are warm and friendly and nonjudgemental.

As far as I'm concerned, it boils down to respect. If someone continues to do something that makes their SO uncomfortable, its inconsiderate and not loving. For instance, I had a boyfriend who told me that whenever we were in large groups, I'd dominate the conversation by making jokes. Well, I saw that he was right, so I curbed myself a little and let him take the floor when he wanted. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, it was VERY important to me that he also have a good time when out with me. Well, I want someone who would respect my feelings about being flirtacious and constantly looking at other women. I want someone who is as just as tried and true blue in love and devoted as I am.

I'm not quite sure of what you are trying to say here....are you against the fact that boundaries are laid out in the beginning or what the boundaries would be about? Appropriate boundaries are difficult to define for anyone. Beating a puppy is wrong. Obviously. And other examples. Issues over magazines are a legitimate concern...and if you think thats controlling, hey, more power to ya and you're opinions. Its likely you'll find some girl out there who will be okay with that. I'm sure you and I would never work out and both of us can breathe a sigh of relief that we don't have to encounter someone like the other person in a relationship context. As far as laying things out in the beggining...there are things that are learned over time and then there are things that should be made known from the beginning. I'm sure that you'd probably at least like to know early on if you were dating someone who had a fetish for sucking the blood out of toes.

Its weird to me to see how many men are saying that not wanting your SO to look at Maxim or other similar magazines is controlling. I don't know if it makes me weird, but I've always been able to operate much more easily in relationships where boundaries were clearly defined from the begininning so that you know whether or not you can conform to them. I don't like guys who are constantly thinking about other women ...constantly buying magazines that objectify women, hanging up posters of giggling scantily clad women... instead of occupying their time with deeper interests. I have often been described as low-maintenance. But there are just some things I don't tolerate. I don't think that anything that is even close to cheating is "cute". I'd never cheat, and I'd never come close to even giving the appearance off as someone who would cheat. And I expect the same. Now, how to define "close to cheating" varies from person to person, but there are just some things I won't tolerate in a relationship. People call it insecurity, but some feelings of insecurity are justified. Living in an area that is statistically known for a large amount of robberies without a security system is bound to make the occupants feel rightly insecure...well, its the same thing... If a guy has a wandering eye...if he's flirtacious...well, thoughts precede action. I want someone who is simply as loyal and devoted as I am. I also wouldn't tolerate, for instance, someone who nags at me all the time, "wear this" "why don't you..." nor would I tolerate someone who causes me to nag all the time. Now, if having standards or intolerances makes me controlling- I guess I would gladly take the title and hopefully one day find someone just as controlling as I am.

BellaDonna, I don't think that always applies. I made pink easter bunny suits off limits to my boyfriend and he wasn't more attracted to it because of that.

It changed me a lot. I used to be more sensitive. I've become a lot more desensitized towards the cruelties in life. Although, I have gotten stronger. I think that skepticism is normal with something like this but I still think it has at least some merit since it is something that is so prevelant that they actually did coin a term for it. And also because it fits a description of my life at this point almost perfectly.

I agree with almost all of this. I think moral/ethical beliefs are definet boundary markers that should be worked out very early in the relationships...and are certainly heavy enough to be considered dealbreakers. If she's constantly nagging him about changing himself over a bunch of little things and constantly perpetuates an image of dissatisfaction, I'd definetly say thats wrong. No one wants to be around someone who is controlling and constantly trying to change them. But we don't know if thats the case here...this could be her only issue...and its important to her...altho, to her it really isn't a moral/ethical issue at least when it comes to sexuality...

Personally, I also don't think its weird to have no female friends. I prefer guys like that...a lot of the types who have legions of female friends are really just womanizers in disguise anyways. Usually guys with a lot of female friends are a little too feminine for me, also. Now, to me an attractive guy is sensitive. That doesn't mean that he's girly. It means that he has a good head on his shoulders and enjoys listening to you and trying to understand you. I also like guys with similar interests...who are good conversationalists. A nice smile also helps, lol.

Sorry, I was trying to separate the piece with a line...that part was addressed to the original poster.

I agree with this. ---- Although, saintsaul its really odd to me that you are okay with pornography but not Maxim, which is a lot less explicit. Are you more concerned with the fact that he became defensive? If thats the case, I understand. Also, DN, I disagree with you about her being controlling. If she has an issue with lol the issue (sorry, the pun just fell into place) then she should communicate with him. The compromise falls where they discuss their feelings about the issue. Telling her that she has to be mute over the way she feels about something he does that she dislikes is unhealthy. I think always doing your best to avoid anything that might make you "unattractive" to a man would be a miserable life.

I think that there are different kinds of jealousy. Some are kind of cute, where you see someone eyeing your SO...you're reminded that you have a "catch". Then, there are others that are induced out of insecurity or worst...that are based on real reasons. I dated this one womanizer type who was always flirting with women in front of me and making me jealous. This didn't happen with other men, so I finally realized that he was the problem and broke up with him. He sucked. So in a way, jealousy can be a good way of warning you about the person you are with or a good way of letting you know you're with a great guy.

I think that this definetly has something to it. I'm 24, almost 25 and can relate to almost all of it.

It depends. But not really.

It might be the area you are in. First, make a list of specifics that you are looking for. Then, go looking! Go to places where those type of people congregate and you'll up your chances. Also, sometimes people who have it all end up more dissatisfied then people who don't. This is because they are so used to being offered more. They always want bigger & better instead of being satisfied with what they have. You might have that problem...

Thats really beautifully put. As far as disagreements...I agree, too many is too many. More context: I said I was lonely, but I didn't want to have to deal with constantly compromising and he said that its normal to have a little bit of conflict...that it sometimes makes things more interesting.

REALLY BAD IDEA. You need to have some self control and be upfront with her. Tell her the truth. You like her, but aren't ready for a relationship, aren't ready to commit. You can't pull her around on a string like that, its not fair to her. Not only that but if you sleep with her, A LOT more damage could be done since sex creates an emotional bond that is very different from the emotional bond created through friendship.

Why is unrequited love so strong? You know with as much as we always want what we can't have, I think that if pain and suffering weren't so readily available and consistently present in our lives...we'd be dying to have it. So many people are so unhappy in their relationships. They contend constantly with dissatisfaction...broken ideals and hurt. I have long asserted that its better to be free & single then in an unhappy relationship. But, I also recognize that relationships aren't perfect...yes, they take a lot of work. What makes a relationship worth staying in and working for? The joy of deep intimacy, of someone to share with, the beauty of love. What should break one? Someone who constantly hurts you, cuts you down, and shows that he/she doesn't care. Well, I know what doesn't break one. Having to compromise, having to solve conflicts, having to learn about yourself and having to change. I talked with someone last night and he said something really sweet. He said, "I'd give up so much to have the excitement of having some disagreements...I'd be happy to find someone and disagree with them all the time."

Don't overanalyze. Enjoy her company for now and time will reveal itself. Keep persuing...be confident and sure of yourself...you have a lot to offer type thing. She can't know what she thinks of you so immediately anyhow.

I don't think I could have expressed it better. I wholeheartedly agree.