Mjane

Hey Jackson, I think the answer to all your questions is YOU. I didn't find love in my 20s because I wasn't looking for it. I've realized I have to find it. When you said would you have to settle? No, absolutely not. But is the vision of your girl realistic or drawn so narrowly that no one can meet your demands? Are you putting roadblocks in your way? I think this is the question you should ask yourself. And if the answer is no, well then, just keep looking. If it's yes, start trying to remove those blocks.

Hey smusher, The first thing I noticed about your post is the words "give in to her." I don't know what you are talking about, but wowa, what a negative phrase. If you are talking about a long term commitment, if you are thinking of it in those terms, well I sure wouldn't want you. When you decide to marry a gal you had better be excited and think of it as the beginning of a new phase in your relationship, not some kind of prison sentence or demand you are giving into. Perhaps what you haven't admited to yourself is these ladies weren't the right ones for you. I've dated guys who were REALLY into me and ones who were just into me. And you can tell the difference. Some guys make you feel insecure because they never tell you how they feel about you (probably because they don't feel much). Other guys can't express themselves very well, but will tell you by actions, so you aren't totally in the dark. There is nothing wrong with getting freaked by someone who gets attached to you right away and becomes needy, possessive etc. Those aren't very good character traits. If anything they point to an insecure person. Although perhaps you are a bit standoffish, which can make any girl wonder how you feel about her, which can make her insecure... see a pattern here? When guys get REALLY into me right off the bat, I'm suspicious and it's a huge turnoff because I know they are into my looks or my confidence or something like that rather than ME because there is no way they can know ME after a handful of dates. And I'm at the stage in my life where I'm looking for a man who wants to get to know ME just like I want to get to know Him. Good luck.

Just thought I would share with y'all. I can't believe that I'm actually almost over the guy. How do I know? Because he emailed me last week. Three weeks after I sent him a b-day card. He'd been out of town for a month and just got it. Anyway, the email basically said he really appreciated me sending the card and wished me all the best!! While I was disappointed at the contents of the email.... I didn't feel much. I was waiting to get crushed or depressed or whatever. Didn't happen. I had mentally moved on from the relationship two weeks earlier when I didn't hear from him. It's funny because I didn't even know it myself. I still think about him, but I'm actively looking for a new guy and put the X into a far dark corner of my brain. My theory is.... why spend so much time mourning and putting your love life on hold when you could be out there looking for someone who might actually love you and stay with you and not dump you!! Try not to wallow in your sorrow and try and see a bright side. There is someone else out there who will want you. I guarantee it!!!!

If I'm so wonderful why am I still single? By Susan Page It's a great book if you feel like you need some kind of direction in dating. I also love the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. It's adventure, heroism and mystery.

sayer, I'm not saying you are at fault here. But if this happens to you a lot perhaps you are giving too much of yourself to your guy and he loses respect for you. Even if the guy is amazing, sometimes we can turn guys off by being too generous. You might not think doing nice things for people is a problem, but women often do things (kind, great, sweet things) for bfs that ruin the relationship. Like cleaning his house, doing his laundry, doing his errands, etc. This is all giving too much of yourself. There is a lot of advice out there on this topic. Perhaps you should look some of it up and see if it applies to you.

jch, I don't believe there is only ONE, ONE. I think there are several people out there that could be the ONE, although admitedly it's not a huge number and they are super hard to find. I guess it depends on her philosophy on this subject. Is she looking for perfection? Does she envision a romantic relationship under a fantasy hue? Where there are no struggles or problems? People who prefer dream worlds to reality often give up on potentially awesome relationships (and even might pass on the ONE) because they don't understand what it takes to make a successful relationship. It doesn't sound like the two of you had many obstacles in your lives other than the distance. Could the two of you have been growing apart and this is why she is unsure? She's had some termoil in her life unrelated to you and perhaps she just needs time to get her priorities in order. There are events that can happen (for me it's been deaths of friends and family) that can make you scrutinize your life and decide to take a new path. This could be what she is doing. I have only once felt like I found One of my Ones. I knew because he "GOT" me. He understood the way I thought. He understood the way I reacted to things and didn't judge me. He accepted me for who I was. It was the greatest feeling in the world to know that someone loves you for WHO you are deep down inside. It's that acceptance for me that was key. Unfortunately he died three years ago. I felt that my X (a month since breakup) did not get me, but I was willing to give the relationship time to see if he could work toward that point. The funny thing is I understood him, except I didn't know he was an intimacy phobe until after the breakup. I mean it takes months, if not years, for someone to completely understand you. I realize that and so I try to be patient.

Sick, What is it you want? I didn't hear you say anything. I'm all about clarity and can't stand indecision. Don't concern yourself with her. Figure out what you want. If you are really sure you want to get back with her, tell her and if she doesn't come back to you quickly, then let it go. Frankly I think women are more devoted and loyal to relationships than men. Sorry to generalize, but I feel it's true. Most of the women I know only get wishy washy about relationships when they know it's not right, but don't want to admit it to themselves. It's not healthy for your sanity or your future to stay in limbo for 10 months. If you want to get married, have a family etc. It takes a long time to find the right person and your time in limbo could be better spent flirting with gals who want you. I know it's hard. I know it hurts. But try and take some advice from this board. Heal yourself and see if there is anything you can do to make yourself a better person.

So great question. My X's b-day is Saturday. I bought him a card but am undecided if I should send it. We broke up three weeks ago and haven't talked since. I sent him a letter the day after and he called me two days later to say he got the letter and would talk to me later. I returned the phone call but have not heard from him. I'm afraid that if I send him the letter he'll just call me to say thanks. I only want him to call me if he wants to get back together. So, I'm torn about sending the card or not. I think it's respectful not to send you a card on your bday if he worries he's giving you false hope. I wouldn't expect her to get in touch.

A sincere apology can go a long way... if she doesn't accept it then that says more about her than you. But it sounds like you have serious anger issues... don't freak out... my frustration/anger is what contributed to my breakup. It's something you should SERIOUSLY work on because when I read your post... I felt a bit afraid... we will always have people in our lives who push our buttons, but it's up to us to make sure our reactions are not freakish.

Cecil, What you are referring to is amnesty that was offered illegals back when Regan was president. He allowed illegals who had been in the U.S. for 10 consecutive years to file for residency. There is no amnesty program now available and probably never will be again. President Bush has been proposing a guest worker program for 3 year stays for unskilled workers (those who fill vacancies in chicken factories and work in onion fields, etc), but Congress won't go for it. And I forgot to mention Ghost. People who are refugees or seeking political asylum can also seek residency through those methods. There is also the green card lottery, which you posted the fake link to. But the problem with the lottery is its only open to people from countries who don't get a lot of residency permits. For example, people from Canada or Mexico can never get in the lottery, but it's open to people from those tiny nations you have never heard of.

All this information is on the INS web site. She wouldn't qualify for a work green card. At a minimum you need a university degree in a specialized field. It takes about two years, costs at least $5,000 and the company has to show that it can't get many U.S. residents to do the job. That's why it's usually used for specialized scientists, doctors, nurses, professors, nobel peace prize winners, movie stars, musicians, etc. There are sub criteria... like you can be prominent and famous in your field and garner awards and accolades. When there was a shortage of high tech workers, quite a few engineers got it because there really was a shortage of u.s. workers. Now there are too many because of the downturn. If your gf went to school and became a registered nurse she'd have a very easy time getting legal permission to work because there is a national if not worldwide shortage of nurses. The company files the application. They sponsor the worker for employment. By fake marriage I mean when you file for her residency, they will require proof that you have a real relationship. They would probably even do an interview, home visit, etc. You should start putting together a photo album of the two of you showing you have a real relationship over a period of time. You also need to have be employed making a minimum amount of money.

I actually know a lot about immigration laws. I doubt your gf came here on a visa as she would have been four??? Perhaps it was a tourist visa? Regardless here is her situation... she can go to school, college or university as an illegal. But she can't work unless she wants to get an under the table job... which means a life of slavery... You have to be a resident before you can be a citizen. The big stumbling block is how to be a resident... there are only two ways: you can have a family member sponsor you (mother, brother, husband, son) or have a company sponsor you for employment. Option two is only available if you are really special and successful and have a university degree or are a movie star or an athlete or nobel prize winner. Ok, or high tech guru. Believe it or not... that's it. Those are her only options. Are any of her close relatives citizens? This is her only route although I get the impression the rest of her family is illegal as well. Well, she can get married, although they can smell out a fake marriage in no time.

Jyebo, I don't want to dash your hopes. I know we are all seeking reassurance of our hopes that our exs will wake up and come back to us. But I agree with Princess on this one. I've realized there are many different kinds of break ups. It's like people, they come in all different shapes and sizes and send out a ton of different signals. In your case I'm reading this: You gf took a long time to decide that she wanted to end things. This is actually positive because she took the relationship and her decision seriously and is not really giving you mixed signals. It's over. She's not interested. She's offering to be friends because she feels guilty and probably because you were friends and she doesn't want to lose that. But in my experience, I (and other girls I know) can only be "friends" with guys after a relationship if there are no romantic feelings left. It's that case almost with every girl I know.

Ok, I guess confession time. I was about 20-30 pounds overweight for almost my entire life... I don't want to say fat people are lazy because I'm sure there are medical conditions. And I ran 3 to 5 times a week and I still was hefting around an extra 20 pounds. Guys hide it with pot bellies, but for ladies the blubber is all to obvious. And I hated it when if my running dropped off, I would gain a few pounds. I did the South Beach Diet. Started last year, have so far lost 25 or so pounds. Am a size six. I could do with losing another 10 pounds but frankly it's hard finding clothes this small. Can you imagine searching for 4s? Anyway I have given up nothing. I have just stopped eating sugar (face it -- it has no nutritional value) and those bad carbs, white potatoes, bread, pasta etc. Now it's not that I don't eat any of that stuff. I've been binging on sugar since the BREAK UP, but have also exercised almost daily to burn it off. If you change your diet (eat lots of meat, veggies, whole grains, just plain old healthy food) you'll lose the poundage. Good luck. As harsh as this sounds... guys don't want fat chicks... i'm sure some people will get on here and protest... looks don't matter, blah, blah, blah... not true. it's just a harsh reality that none of us want to own up to.

Poca, I haven't even gotten to the point of having good days and bad days. I have good moments on bad days... but it's only been 10 days... although I hadn't seen him for 10 days before it happened so... the big looming date for me is Tuesday... the day three weeks ago when I blew it. But seriously while I have spent most of today fantasizing about a reconcilation... and then have times when I know it's over and I'm devastated... and then I'll go by a place where we had a fabulous time.. and I just am in shock that it's over... and then... But I know from past experience... that it does get better... kind of crappy that I have experience getting dumped but I digress... who wouldn't want this fabulous, witty, smart, decent looking, athletic babe???? I'm in as much pain as you. But I'll tell you about a moment I had today. I arranged a mountain biking ride this morning... a guy showed up who I have never met... my age range... ok looking although no real attraction on my part, but I know I'm like an oven and I warm up to guys... I had that feeling I normally have when I meet eligible men when I have a boyfriend... kind of removed... anyway.... I woke up half through the ride that I am ELIGIBLE!!!! I don't think I had enough time left to recover and flirt. But I was kind, sweet and klutzy. I crashed when I avoided a tree. Isn't that the way into a man's heart? An injured darling they can fix? Ok, off track there... Anyway, when I got to my car I realized... hey, I will meet someone else. I just met an eligible guy.... 10 days after the earth cracked open. It will just take time. My X is not the last great man on earth... and considering his issues....

Sat. Oct. 2. 11:04 am.

Highlighter, I just wanted to add a personal note. It's really good that you realize you have a problem. I had such a wacky eating system in junior and high school that I messed myself up for years later. I never usually at anything until I got home from school. Nothing for breakfast. A diet coke for lunch. And then I would gorge on food when I got home from school because I was so hungry. I was about 15 pounds overweight in high school but I felt like a whale. I see pictures of myself from back then and I'm like, what the heck was I so depressed about?? Anyway, as the years went on my eating habits didn't improve much and I just gained more weight. Then I stared running and lost weight. Then I would gain some weight. bla bla blah. you get the picture. Now I am normal weight and I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. While I regulated my eating habits by my 20s, I recently kicked eating sugar (I was an addict beyond imagination) and smoking... a double whammy this past year. And with the bf dumping me 10 days ago... I can't tell you how hard it's been not to smoke as I only quit 2 months a go. My point is... it took me years to change the way I eat and get to a normal weight. Don't let that happen to you.

I imagine from what you've said, you are unhappy and depressed. Perhaps your life feels a bit out of control.. I mean you didn't want to break up with the bf... etc. And the only thing controllable in your life is your weight. For people who are ani or bullemic, it's not about the weight. it's about control. Having control over a part of your life that no one else can touch. But since you are in the early stages you probably haven't caused yourself too much physical harm. But you need to get help before this gets to be a long term problem. Your best bet is to talk to your parents or the nurse at school. Having an eating disorder is never about the food, it's about what's inside your head. And you need help figuring that out.

Wow. You guys just have heart wrenching stories. I'm so sorry so many people did you all wrong. I guess I feel lucky that other than have guys never call me again (casual dating though) my break ups have been decent. This guy that broke up with me last year... he did it a few days after returning home from a business trip... and when I picked him up for our date he gave me all these gifts he'd bought me in San Francisco. Mostly chocolate and stuff. Ok... then he dumps me six hours later... ???? Why give me the stuff??? After he dumped me I pulled up to my apartment... loaded my arms up with the gifts and walked over to the dumpster and dropped it all in. I never felt bad about it. I wasn't angry with the X. I was just so broken hearted I couldn't bear to have anything he gave me around... and plus, it was a lot of chocolate and like I need to get fat when I need to get myself a new man!!!! My latest breakup ... 10 days now.... I have no plans to return the presents. I did give him back a DVD he gave me to watch, but I never considered it a present. The other gifts I'm keeping and don't plan to throw them out. Take care y'all.

Thanks Starrie and Hitek. I've been thinking a lot about this in the past week. Despite my efforts to distract myself (movies, biking, running, tennis, etc. I've become an exercise queen), it's essentially all I think about. Although I can't talk about it with anyone because I know I'll start crying and have to face the fact that he's not coming back. But my desire to get back together with him fades every day because the more I think about the work needed to make our relationship work, I feel a bit overwhelmed. And I'm also hesitant because like Hitek pointed out to me, he left me because I had a panic attack... I have stood by him and supported him in circumstances that I felt were questionable, but it never occurred to me to leave him. And here he ups and freaks out over a panic attack that had nothing to do with him. I know if he called me tomorrow, I would try and make it work, but I'm just more apprehensive now. Take care. Thanks for responding.

Since I've had two bfs break up with me in the span of 12 months, what does that make men? It doesn't make me dislike men. I don't even dislike my two Xs because they are wonderful men. I know getting rejected is hard... very, very hard... you have to learn not to be bitter because that will come through to any girls you meet in the future and will be a big turnoff. You might also want to try and see how you contributed to the break up and whether there is anything you could have done differently... trying to improve on yourself is always good... trying to be a kinder, more generous and loving person is never bad. you might want to start by improving your attitude.

I wouldn't contact her other than to send the b-day card. My ex's b-day is in three weeks and I plan to send him a card. I'm just thankful I didn't buy the presents I had in mind. Here's my theory... if they want to get back with us... they will pursue us. Even if they have doubts about our position or attitude they will feel us out about a reconciliation... we have to leave it up to them to come to us because they are the ones that ditched us. They have to miss us and get enthused about getting back together. I know you snubbed her when you saw her, but the card will send her the msg that you are still thinking about her.

Roxy, Here's my guess. Your bf got burned badly in his last relationship, which has made him skitish. When you told him you loved him, it probably scared him. He breaks it off with you because he's freaked. One month later, he gets calmer and some clarity. Perhaps he's realized you saying you love him doesn't mean you'll dump him at the alter tomorrow. He's now feeling you out to see if you'll take him back. That's my view of course I could be so wrong. So, just be cautious. Keep dating others. Keep going out with your friends. Make him work for it. He's got to pursue and romance you all over again to get back in your good graces. If he brings up the relationship, ever, be honest. You hurt me, I'm scared to start over. He should emphasize considering how hurt he was when he got dumped. Good luck.

Vertigo, While I think you made a huge mistake, you have to focus now on getting out of it in the least painful way for your girlfriend. Since you said you live together, you should probably be the one to move out. I suggest you make your alternate living arrangements as soon as you break up if not before. And what you tell her is the truth... but in a delicate way. You explain to her that while you love her, you feel no chemistry between the two of you. You can tell her she is one of the most wonderful people you've ever met, but that you don't want to marry her. You love her but aren't in love with her. Or any combination of wonderful compliment, but no misleading break up statement. You have to be firm and clear yet sensitive. I think a lot of time people have an excruciating time getting over an ex because the break up is wishy-washy and there is no clarity. If she wants an explanation, be truthful. Say you didn't feel chemistry in the beginning but hoped it would develop. You of course are using "chemistry" as a euphamism for physical attraction. I think the others are right in that physical beauty is only a very small part of attraction. I have been attracted to and in love with so many different looking guys. Overweight, bald, etc. But you have to be mature and old enough to realize that physical looks are just a small piece of the puzzle. And let's get real here, I am in no way attracted to grossly overweight men. People barrating you for not loving this woman because she's fat is not going to change your mind. Just don't get into these sticky situations in the future.

Hi all. I am hoping someone can give me support because I don't want to mess this up twice. But I'd like your realistic assessment of what is going on... I'm a gal who lives in the here and now and I can take it. My ex-bf broke up with me last thursday -- five days ago. It pretty much stemmed from a meltdown (panic attack) I had when we went boating the week before. I had pushed him away physically and figuratively. He's 37 and I'm 35 and we are both very serious about finding the right person to get married and have kids. Anyway, he told me he didn't see me as a long term prospect. When I asked why, he said he didn't want to marry someone who acted as I did and treated him as I did when I had the meltdown. When I pushed him further he said something about compatibility issues, but when I said I thought we were very compatible, he said we were. He went on to explain to me that he felt we would become some kind of arguing old couple, which he didn't want. I think he took the boating incident and just blew it out of proportion. In fact, I think he's freaked out a bit ... my meltdown had very little to do with him, which I explained. I felt trapped and a bit irrational and tried to gain control. Up until the boating incident, while he and I had minor issues, our relationship was really good. We were very loving and really enjoyed each other's company. I thought he was developing deep feelings for me as I had for him. Perhaps I had deluded myself. I was great during our breakup convo. I told him that he was the best man I had ever dated. I told him he had to do what he felt was right. He said he had a tendency to get into dead end relationships and couldn't do that anymore because he was getting old. Anyway, I wrote him this letter the next morning. I laid out my panic attack (which despite my apologizing several times for it, we never really talked about it), everything that was going through in my head. I told him we most definitely had issues in our relationship, but that I was willing to work them out. I told him how sad I was that we were abandoning the relationship instead of working on our problems. My letter laid out a couple of problems we had and how I was giving him space before I approached the topics. Anyway, I ended the letter by telling him how wonderful and special he is. I dropped it off about 12 hours after the break up. I didn't expect to hear from him. But he called me Sunday. I was out of town and I returned the call yesterday, although I had to leave a msg. So, here's the thing.... obviously I broke the NC rule by writing the letter, but I needed to be heard. I needed to lay it all out there for him to understand because basically he and I are horrible communicators. Anyway, I don't know why he's called me. My sister thinks it's because he just wants to make sure I'm okay. Perhaps he feels guilty. I really want to get back together with him although only under the condition that we work on our problems. No more being silent. But here's my dilemma, how should I act when he calls? Should I just be pleasant and happy and not talk about our issues? How is that going to help anything if we just make chit-chat? The message he left me was he thanked me for the letter and said I'll talk to you later, if you want. In my letter I told him I wasn't begging him to reconcile with me but only trying to clarify what happened. Deep down I don't think he wants to reconcile. Perhaps I'm pessimistic, but I think once guys make up their minds to break up, they don't change them. But what do people suggest I do? I am so tempted to say, look are you trying to reconcile or just feeling guilty? Ok, so that's way too direct and indiscrete and could kill any chance of us making up. I don't want to mess it up this time...