Mjane
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Everything posted by Mjane
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Not much else to add here. You deserve better. When you realize that, you'll understand why you don't want her back. You just can't see it right now.
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I've gone to quite a few singles events by myself. It forces me to talk to people. I have found when I go with friends, all I do is talk to my friends. I've also gone to parties where I haven't known many people. Again, I like to go on my own because I mingle better that way.
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you may get along very well with this guy, but remember, you don't know him. people are always on their best behavior when they start dating and then the real, true selves come out. It's really disturbing that he wouldn't stop his advances and blamed it on alcohol. Please try and avoid getting into this situation again until you can assess whether he is a real threat.
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Thanks for the replies everyone! I haven't decided what to do yet. But no, I am far from shy. But I am not an aggressive she-woman either. I would prefer it if this woman, who I have only met a couple of times, set something up. But heck, she has a life too. Loved this comment: I guess I have to get more comfortable with the feeling that it's only one guy. So who cares if he says no, there is a universe full of men waiting to meet me!! I'll keep telling myself that all day and see how it goes. Thanks again.
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I need some advice on my silly situation. My background is I'm a bit skittish and hesitant to put myself out there because I've experienced quite a bit of rejection in the past year and I'm not sure if I'm ready to get more. But I was at a party last night. There is a guy that came that I've been interested in, but I haven't gotten any obvious encouraging feelings from him. Anyway, so I just hung out with others. During the eve, a woman came up to me and told me I should make a play for this guy because he's interested in me. I ask her why she thinks that and she says she just knows he is. Anyway she and I have exchanged some emails today and she's emphasized he's a great guy, but kind of clueless and shy. This woman is adamant that I would have to ask him out. She said he wouldn't know if a woman was coming on to him unless he was hit over the head. I did see the guy today and in a conversation with a bunch of people I said that I liked a certain colour and would date any guy if he had a bike in that colour. Then he piped up that part of his bike was that colour. Other than that comment, I haven't felt a lot of encouragement from him. But he is always friendly to me. So... I'm scared to death because of my past experiences to do anything, but what do you guys think? is there enough there to ask him out? and how should I do it so that it appears like his idea? I believe that if a woman makes the first move then a guy automatically isn't going to be as interested in her... a little old fashioned maybe... but it's been my experience... I also told her that she should let him know that if he were to ask me out, he would get a guaranteed yes... I kind of figured that was the best route to go... but who knows if she's ever going to have that conversation with him. Any feedback is appreciated. I'm 36 and he's 35.
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Rescue, I don't mean to sound casual, but heck, me, probably like many others here, are all in the same boat. But that doesn't mean I'm going to settle down with someone that isn't good for me. I keep trying to tell myself that the universe is full of wonderful men and there is a guy out there just for me. Have faith.
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Morning After Pill -- look up any Planned Parenthood in your area and go to the clinic. Or go to your local pharmacy for a referal to a clinic. It can be taken up to 48 hours after sex.
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Thanks Shysoul. Those were sweet remarks. I don't want to write quiet guys off entirely. I find I'm compatible with someone who likes my outgoing nature. But ... the quiet ones so far have also been the source of my pain. I'm trying to remain open to whatever comes my way, it's just hard when you get hurt a lot. Happy New Year everyone!
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No one can really change themselves and how they act or behave. You can make minor alterations, but if you are insecure, you can try and be more confident, but you are never going to be a bad boy, no matter how hard you try. This is why you need to reevaluate who you are attracted to. A good example is myself. A lot of the guys I date tend to be on the quiet side. I'm very outgoing, so I tend to attract these type of guys. Unfortunately, quiet guys tend to be emotionally unavailable and unskilled in relationships. So I'm constantly on guard for red flags in this area. This last guy, I ended it after 8 weeks because he just couldn't meet the minimum needs, meaning he never called me unless it was to make plans. So, this last stretch we went three weeks without a date. And while I saw him at social events that we went to separately, I expressed a need to hear from him in between dates and he couldn't do it. So, I had to end it. In the old days, I might have let it go another month or two, driving myself crazy over whether he was interested in me or not. Now, I need to figure out how to attract men who are more relationship-skilled and emotionally available. I'm just worried they don't exist. Ok. That was my negativity speaking!
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Rescue, You sound like a really great guy. You aren't going to like what I say, but here it is: You don't want this girl, you just don't know it yet. This is the type of girl that is addicted to drama. She probably likes to "rescue" guys, just like it seems you might like "rescuing" girls. Even if you and she hook up, one of these guys will poke his head back into the picture and this rollercoaster will start all over again. This woman didn't deal with her failed marriage before jumping into a relationship with a guy who is obviously a headcase. And then after it's over with him she's on link removed. This woman doesn't deal with her "issues." My rule is not to date anyone who is separated or hasn't been divorced for at least a year. This woman wasn't even divorced when you started dating her. She's got so much baggage she could open a luggage store. The reason you can't see any of this is because you have "chemistry" and are compatible with this girl. But guess what? While those two elements are wonderful and hard to find, sometimes you have to let go to save yourself. You've only got two or three months invested here... that's nothing in the big scheme of things. And as soon as you realize there is a universe of healthy women out of there looking for a great guy like you, the sooner you'll realize that this girl is not "healthy" and needs to fix herself in her own time before she's available to have a healthy, loving relationship. In order to recover, I say cut off all contact. Don't return phone calls or emails. You need to NC to distance yourself and recover.
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When I read these bad/good guy postings what I find it comes down to is the person asking the question is attracted to the wrong women and vice-versa. A woman who goes for a bad boy is not going to be interested in a good-sweet guy. But a guy attracted to women who go for bad boys is only going to have his heart broken and get disillusioned. You have to reevaluate who you are attracted to. Why aren't you attracted to women who like good guys? That's the question.
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I was out with a couple a few months ago. I was telling them about the guy I was dating, doing a little analysis. The guy said, I talk about this stuff all the time with my friends. I was shocked. I said, are you sure you're a guy? He's the only guy I've ever met who admits/does talk about relationship stuff with his friends. It's rare. And from comments in this thread, I would also say that one of my biggest problems in dating guys lately is men lack communication skills. I'm not great either, but how do men think they are going to have a healthy, happy, productive relationship if they don't talk about the issues in the relationship? I'm talking about simple stuff like expressing a need for a guy to call you more (like once a week) and he doesn't comply. Or trying to talk about sex and the guy pretends he doesn't understand what you are saying. Sorry, I'm just frustrated.
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The mars/venus site is 99 per cent women and 99 per cent of them have been dumped. That site is very sad because most of the women are clinging to men who aren't interested in them. It's true that guys don't "talk" to their guy friends about relationship stuff, but it doesn't mean they don't need to talk to someone. This site seems to have more men on it than many others.
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Just work on trying to get in the mindset that you are giving up hope that you'll ever get back together or hear from him. Once you do that you'll start to remember the stuff about him that bothered you. And then you'll feel comforted in your decision. Part of the issue about getting dumped is it was out of your control. This is a way to take control over your life, heart, head again. I would also keep busy and search for a way to meet new people. Making a new friend is always time consuming.
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I think Chris' thread is great. I'm also a bit skeptical about whether he was in love with her, but he did admit he was thinking marriage. So that's pretty heavy. My exchange of emails happened before I read the thread. But what has just happened to me and others is just a reminder to myself for the next situation.. although... to be truthful.. I'm hoping the next guy will last..
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It's actually scary how perceptive I am. I'm partly that way because I'm very observant... I have to be as a journalist... and I also remember what people say and how they say it...I'm very good at putting together puzzles.. not visual ones... but verbal ones.. and inevitably they don't point in positive directions.. And that's where DENIAL kicks in. I am actually happier, calmer, more at peace when I am not agonizing over what he's thinking, feeling, doing, etc. I was so ticked off at him for contacting me... I was very distracted thinking about him boxing day because that's when I got his... oh. I don't want a relationship email... he says he only contacted me because he wanted to smooth things over because we run in the same circles.. whatever!
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You are so right RayKay. I have always found this immensely helpful in my recovery. It's sad that I've had so much experience with this.... but making this mental decision is the BIGGEST and most important step you can take. And the exercise is also a key to getting those good feelings flowing. Mountain biking was my savior last year in my breakup. I had to concentrate so hard on not getting myself killed that I didn't have time to think!! I also run, but my brain has time to think when I do that. So this summer, when I was going through a rough time, I was biking three or more times a week...
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Hey all, I first joined this board 15 months ago when my bf and I broke up and I didn't want it to end. Since then I've gone through a ton more... I've gone on a ton of first dates, and a few guys seemed like real potentials, but it all fell apart. I'm getting a lot better at spotting disinterest or a lack of pursuing behavior much quicker. And I've learned not to get sucked in so quickly. I started dating a guy in mid-October and by mid-Dec. I had written him off because he didn't call me or ask me for a date. Then he contacted me and asked me out... I told him I'd already said goodbye. Then another week goes by and on Xmas eve he writes me. Says he's bad at relationships, still wants to hang with me, bla. bla. bla. Silly me thought maybe he was trying to get a foot in the door and see if I was open to dating... So, I wrote him this email, said I did have second thoughts about breaking up with him, but this is why I did it and I asked him what he wanted. He responds... he says he couldn't do a relationship right now and he gave some thought to why he didn't call me much and decided he wasn't into (dating me) as much as he should have been. So... what did I learn here? keep protecting my heart. Trust my instincts because they are 99 per cent accurate. If something seems off, it is. And ask the direct questions... don't torture yourself with guessing, analyzing or wondering. Find the truth. It might not be what you want to hear, but it will end the pain. I was so ticked that he contacted me xmas eve because I had already moved on and didn't think about him much.
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I think it depends on the number... I know that's a mixed response, but if you've been with four girls and she's been with ten guys... I think the difference is irrelevant... but this one guy told me he's been with about 80 women and I was shocked... I was really turned off and he knew it. Next thing I know he's scaling it back to 60 something ... it was a definite red flag that eventually led to a ton of red flags... But then again, what do you think of the gals in the tv show Sex in the City? And a lot of women feel pressured to have sex early in a relationship... so if they've had quite a few relationships... it doesn't mean they are easy. And a woman enjoying sex and going out and having some.. well frankly... I'd be a hypocrit if I said it was a horrible thing to do... I think it depends on how high are the numbers 20-30 or 100
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I just broke it off with a guy that was too busy. I couldn't see a time in the next year when he would have time to date me properly. And I was starting to get irritated that he never called, only made dates at the last minute and didn't change his behavior even though he knew his silence bothered me. So, even if a guy doesn't have enough time it boils down to, not that into you. You initiated contact with him. He was just replying, saying something quite generic. He hasn't initiated any plans with you. I would write this one off, as I did the guy above (although he and I were not intimate) and avoid having sex so soon.
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You know what I love about enotalone? A lot of the guys here are just so sweet and kind. A lot of you are super quality. Good luck!
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OMG! Why did he call after 5 months?????
Mjane replied to esboogie143's topic in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
maybe he just wanted to see if you were still interested in him.. perhaps he needed an ego boost or maybe his new relationship is going south and he wants a back up girl -
judging someone's character is a combination of listening to actions and worlds... this man is all talk... and there no action be happening.
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That is so great that you were upfront and honest with him about his flaky behavior. I say give it a chance to see if it repeats itself. But hey, hold off on the expectations to meet the folks. How long have you known each other? When xmas rolls around I will have been dating my guy 3 months and I don't expect to get invited to visit the parents. That's too much too soon.
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Where do you live ? Very cool. The guy I'm dating (I know long description, but not ready to say bf we have only been dating 6 weeks) met through a mountain biking group!!! That's what we did on our first date. He's also a runner like me!!! And... I found out Saturday night... he doesn't like bugs... just like me. We both like bug free nature!!! I finally found the key to finding a ton of guys to date... pick a sport or hobby that is male dominated.. but make sure it's something you like doing.. and then show up a lot...