reinventmyself

Family matrixes run deep. It's the stuff that keep therapists in business. The good news is you're becoming aware of how your beliefs aren't working for you and asking questions. Be patient with yourself and expect to sit in the discomfort while you unravel this and learn to approach things differently. You are already on your way and it helps to continue to watch others who perceivably have what it is you want.

at what point and what age did you reconnect with Arnold?

I see two issues here. One, your bf clearly does not feel comfortable having sex while your parents are under the same roof. It's really not open for debate at this point. You don't have to agree but you should at least try to understand and respect how he feels. Secondly, you won't let this go and turn it into a power struggle. At this point it wouldn't matter what the topic was. The fact that you won't take his feelings into consideration will lead him to feel unheard and disrespected. He's likely to not want to have sex with you because his feelings are being dismissed and not because you are cohabitating with your parents. This isn't a new issue and he's been consistent in how he feels. You either go or decline the (free) vacation because for you, being with your bf for 4 weeks without sex is more than you can handle.

I would decline. Way too much drama. Having said that, I didn't see where they invited or uninvited Collin? Yet made you the messenger? Can it get anymore more awkward? I'd circle back and tell them it would be best if you didn't attend altogether and also mention that they need to share their feelings directly with Collin.

It's interesting that couples can justify financing that new couch or trade in their car for a new one. But when it comes to couples counseling, it's either too expensive or there just isn't enough money. I can't think of a better investment than putting that money and energy into your marriage. After the fact it becomes painfully apparent if the marriage fails and you then give that money to an attorney and courts to divide property. It seems so silly when it's too late that you didn't prioritize your marriage and seeked some help to get in back on track.

How old are you both? From what you've shared it seems she wants to live like a single person while being in a committed relationship. Are you both young and she didn't get that partying out of her system prior? I am all for having a life outside of a relationship, going out and doing things separately. But within reason and doing it in a way that is respectful to your relationship. If this makes you uncomfortable, then you need to listen to that. The fact that she's willing to lie to you about it is not acceptable. You either work on compromise that works for the both of you or you reassess your compatibility. It appears that she's willing to risk losing you over it.

Just a curious question. If this woman who turned you down was attractive, would it make a difference? She may not have been attractive to you, but she has standards and considers her time valuable. It appears that she has self esteem. It might simply be helpful if you viewed your time as valuable and chose to spend it wisely with some purpose - hence your title 'why do I waste my time' Also give some thought to how you measure your worth or anyone else's. Is it measured by status and looks? Or as you put it, those that you know who aren't as successful, yet have stellar social skills and meaningful relationships (not those words exactly) I am not trying to pick on you . .it just these things we often to need to think about. I hope writing this all down has been helpful to you.

I went through the same thing. Having moved alot until I was 10, we moved into a home and when I was about 20 my parents abruptly announced they bought a townhome. I had to move with them or fly the nest for the first time. It was jarring. I went back alone and said a tearful goodbye to that home after the movers left. Fast forward, post divorce I sold the family home that I dearly loved. I cried then too. Not just for myself but for my kids that I so much wanted them to have what I didn't have - That one home they grew up in and memories that came with it.

Be careful about making this about some mysterious character flaw that you might have that drove him away. We become attached to people we love and when we feel them pull away it scares us. Yes, you may have pursued him but in this case, most would. He wasn't merely requiring a little bit of momentary space. He was actively checking out and deep down inside you knew it. Nothing you could have done would have changed that. Be kind to yourself. I am sorry this has happened.

She broke the relationship by cheating. She further severs it by asking for a break. She's already detaching and moving on. She just doesn't have the guts to say it out loud. She wants to keep you on ice in the event she wants to run back. You deserve better.

This is a character issue. It is in his character to solicit women on craigslist. Are you ok with that and are you going to be able to compartmentalize this and move forward?

You don't speak up for anyone else. You do it for yourself. Some great advice and I can be the same way. When blindsided I feel overwhelmed and can't think fast enough for a quick come back. With some practice, a one word response, or a pause, smile, direct eye contact along with confident body language is a good place to start. The reaction you get reinforces you are on the right track to protecting yourself. Other than that, a friend called you the following day to check on you. Good to know that it didn't go unnoticed. There are always those occasions that you need to remember "if you smell a rat, everyone else does too" She made herself look petty. Though you don't need to help her, you can practice sticking up for yourself. . for you. Handled respectfully, you don't need to worry what other people think.

I didn't edit fast enough. You are quick on the draw! no pun intended. 🙂

And he doesn't deserve all the energy you are putting into him . .one week and 156 posts later. The more you do the more power you give away to him and his crazy words. And he's already moved on.

. . now I am going to contradict myself, having just read your age. It just came to mind that it may be more common that young people "slip into to each other's DMs" Good luck with your decision.

(to me) Yes! I would feel as if you tracked me down. I wouldn't find it a compliment and assume you did this as a habit. Besides, telling someone you noticed them in real life is a lie and how do you know I'm not married and therefore your attention inappropriate? Is it fair to make this assumption every time? Probably not. You may be the one nice guy who's interest is a compliment. But in the this day and age women are exposed to a lot of unsolicited and often creepy attention on the internet, so out of all your options this is probably not the best. Unfortunately creepers and scammers have ruined this plan for you. Women are cautious and leery for good reason. That's one of the benefits of a dating website, the ability vet out people who are there for the right reasons. And even with that, you still have to eliminate a good portion of them. Ultimately, it's your choice. You asked for input.

Congratulations!

Casual dinner with another couple on Tuesday. Wife mentions she just recovered from Covid having tested positive 7 days prior. No mention of a negative test to confirm it. Much rather they volunteered the info prior to dinner, rather than in the middle of it. Uhg. Last night a small get together to celebrate a friend's birthday. Similar thing. Friend sits next to me sharing she tested negative that same day after having Covid all week. The friend on the other side of me shares she had a cold all week and though feeling better didn't think it necessary to test seeing she already had Covid. Bf's sons gf's birthday dinner tomorrow. I seriously feel like I am asking for it at this point. Not to mention a little bugged how the son is handling the whole thing - He invited 20 for surprise dinner tomorrow at 5. Yet most, including myself work until 5. His Dad calls him on speaker phone to confirm the time and the son runs through the list of invited that can't make it until later. Imagining the awkwardness of a surprise with most people not even there. Son is notoriously frugal and his Dad half jokingly asks him who's paying for dinner. Son responds with something jokingly as well inferring that we will be paying for our own, but suggests he wants us there at 5 for "a drink" (one might assume he'll pay for that?) because he notes that happy hour ends at 6!? He and the birthday girl are to show up at 5:30. I am not pleased given his attitude that we are all being asked to take time off of work to show up early while he blatantly navigates this so he is doesn't cost him anything. I'm not looking for a free drink or a discounted one at that. But he refuses to move the time to accommodate the majority of people he invited. I will bite my tongue for the sake of my bf and the young lady who's bday it is. At the same time I haven't committed to take the time off and may just say I'll meet them later. I only work Th and Fri and already committed to leave early today to babysit my granddaughter.

You feel a little socially awkward, alone and wanting to change that? How do you do that? Practice. Honestly, there is no other way. Try not to view this exchange with this young lady as a loss, but a gain and opportunity to practice. You may make mistakes (everyone does) but you learn by making little corrections. You've already proven you can do that. This is a good thing. It may never turn into anything romantic, but one can't have too many friends. Giving up and retreating gets you more of the same. Baseball players don't become better hitting the ball by standing outside the batting cage, watching. They get better by getting in and swinging.

I wouldn't want the reminder of how easy it is to track down and uncover things about someone. Had you gone to the effort to seek me out elsewhere, I'd likely block you. I paid for a membership for a dating app where I felt I had some control over meeting strangers. That in itself is more than enough exposure. I didn't invite you to seek me out elsewhere. Your intentions seem to be in the right place. Just giving you an insight on how they might be received. Most women get their share of unsolicited "Hi, how are you" messages on social media. You'll get lost in the shuffle and deleted with the rest of them. Pay for one month and then cancel.

Wait. . don't make me go back reread this thread!! 🤪 My head might explode. HE asked to meet you several times in the beginning. You didn't want to. You won't continue messaging for years?? Yet you met on an app 'long before the pandemic' and all you ever did was electronically communicate with him off and on. He also stated he was not interested in a penpal. (your words) To add to that you spent a good deal of time beating on his door (messaging) when he clearly was no longer interested and the communication faded. When he finally gave in, he was finally able to at least talk you into a video call, after which time he did a 180, changed his mind and his attitude. Let's call this what it is. It sucks to be rejected. We've all been there and there's no shame in it. He may have been horribly evil and sadistic this entire time and you only discovered it with a real time face to face chat, Is there a lesson in all of this? Meet sooner than later. Had you come here telling us you were cruelly rejected we could and would have related to that and offered support and empathy. Seeing there is no end to this, but rather more projection and deflection. And you are honestly disrespectful of our time when you keep changing the facts . . Ultimately, there is nothing to be learned here. And why you sat in a video call for 3 hours while he viscously berated is you is absolutely baffling.

In my opinion, break ups and detaching are a long process. They aren't cut and dry. Though Tony cheated on her and it's for most it's impossible to come back from, break ups are still a process of a good deal of back and forth. Often times the victim runs back hoping all the promises and apologies are enough only to find out they aren't. This takes time. Your presence likely made this process longer than necessary, but it still needed to happen. It appeared she was often times conflicted and distracted. After they get done processing everything, I also don't believe they would reconcile. Sorry you were caught in the middle of it, even though you were able to articulate you half expected it this the entire time. I admire the way you handled this. At this point I think the best you can do is distance yourself. There is no motivation to return to you if you are willing to be available at a reduced capacity. We often lose a little respect for someone who is willing to be demoted to a friend in hopes to regain something more. It (often) doesn't work that way. You've been a good friend and better boyfriend. Being her safety blanket and therapist while she recovers from being cheated on is something a good friend does. A boyfriend however believes he deserves a womans undivided attention and dedication. You reminded her repeatedly you were willing to expect less. You selflessly placed yourself in the position of the limbo or the transition guy. The fact that she is willing to lose you show's where you stand with her. Don't be so available, move forward with your life. Don't count on it, but there is a remote chance she could recognize what she's lost. But it won't happen as long as you are so available. People appreciate and respect things they have to earn and not so much things that are easily handed to them.

You two have long since parted but still dance around an intimate connection. It's not healthy or fair for either of your relationships, past or present. And you can't be friends when you still have lingering romantic feelings for each other. I agree with a previous response. Why continue to add fire to this ongoing drama that clearly isn't going anywhere? The healthiest thing to do is to close this door and put this behind to the both of you. It would help you both to sever any ties and put that energy in your much deserving current partners. How would you feel if your partner continued on for years engaging in an emotionally charged relationship with an ex? It's considered emotionally cheating.

Are you 100% certain that condom hasn't been there the entire time? I personally can't tell you what's in my bf of 5 years drawers. Maybe she considered doing something while you two were broken up. That would be in her prerogative. Breaks = are broken up. Though I don't condone snooping, there are times that you may have some definite signs and need further proof. You also have to prepared to act on what you find. Is it worth blowing things up over what she may have done when you two were broken up? What exactly did she do to that motivated you to start looking through her things to begin with? Has she been a faithful partner while you two are together? I believe if we go looking for things, you are likely to find something even if it's unfounded. Now you've created this possible unnecessary firestorm of mistrust. I guess the question is, is she not trustworthy or do you have trust issues?