reinventmyself

She hostile and a little unbalanced. Why single you out if you haven't had any real life interaction with her? It seems you let her opinion of you rattle you. Why give someone you don't know have that power to try to define you or second guess yourself? Who cares what angry inappropriate strangers think? You are just her convenient punching bag. Block her and ignore her.

I tend to agree with this. If this is what is keeping you stuck it might not be a bad idea to revisit it and put it bed.

In moments like these I always wonder if the other party had a voice, what their version might be. She's a narcissist? Is this an official diagnosis? You were unhappy so that gave you the permission to cheat? A bad situation has now escalated and there is no turned back. You two separate and you choose to relocate and move away from your children? Now she's really angry and you are the victim? I don't condone her behavior, but you are both part of the problem. I don't see you taking ownership for your part in this mess.

I went on few dates with a guy. After the first kiss goodnight, he whispered to me that we should practice the KISS principle. I asked what this meant, and he replied "Keep It Simple". (no doubt a silly line from sort of dating advise he had read) I immediately balked. What a thing to say! I didn't say a word in the moment and left. That comment served as a warning to not take him seriously. I gladly took his advise, listened to my gut and didn't respond to his phone calls. He was actually one of my clients and I had to see him occasionally. Fast fwd, I eventually did agree to date him a few more times and the tables swiftly turned and he ended being some sort of stalker. He went from telling me to not him seriously, to me struggling to get him to now leave me alone. I should have listened to that initial uneasy feeling

I think things start off on the wrong foot when you are a fan of someone and develop romantic feelings after the fact. You are a fan of his online persona which will likely not line up with him in real life. Someone who's a professed dating coach makes it his goal to know all the tricks. Whether valid or not, it would give me an uneasy feeling. The whole "I don't plan" in this context smacks of him saying "don't count on me" If he has expert advise he would be suggesting to pay attention to see if people are consistent. He just told you he's not. There's an old saying "A woman loves a man with a plan" For me it's true. It paints a picture of someone who's consistent and reliable. Two important things I personally look for in a partner. Not planning means non commitment. If he doesn't plan, it leaves all the heavy lifting to make things happen on you. After all he warned you. If someone told me he didn't plan, I'd probably pass. There seems much more to this statement. After all that's what brought you here to begin with. Tread carefully and listen to your gut.

You aren't asking him to choose. It's about compromise. You pay half the rent, you get equal say. If he makes a unilateral decision and disregards you then he can expect to pay all of the rent. You need to speak up and he needs to figure out how to balance the two in a healthy, respectful way. It's not that difficult. Only child or not. No excuse.

It's been 3 years and she's fresh out of a relationship? Assuming she was married she may very well not be ready to date and focusing on herself and her kids. Nevertheless, a friendly cup of coffee may be welcome. Hard to say how it may be interpreted, but I leave out the "out" by spoon feeding her the excuse to say no. That and mentioning her possible need to be with her kids seems a little too personal. Trust that she can create her own out.

I tend to think that what we think we want and what how it ultimately plays out is two different things. You both agree you want a family. 2 or 3 children is a gift and a privilege. Is the 4th a hill you want to die on? There is the very likely chance that while in the midst of growing your little family you recognize the work it takes. Add in the ability to conceive, the expenses, and what you think you wanted originally changes course. . several times. On the other hand you can get 3 kids deep and your future wife feels 4 makes your family complete. But you won't know until you get there and there is no crystal ball for what will ultimately transpire between now and 10 yrs? I was set on 3. Two, five years apart and 30 by the time the second one was born. It took that long to conceive. We were done at 2 and no regrets. There is only so much control you have over nature. My youngest son and his wife have a toddler and when he no sooner told me they decided she'd be an only child, they are expecting another. They are surprised and over the moon with the unexpected change in plan.

It seems to only reason you might consider not giving a statement is due to family pressure. But yet you can confidently state a list of reasons why he hasn't served enough time and how you feel he is very likely going to be a repeat offender. Just curious. Would your statement by chance be made confidentially? It seems like such a no win situation and you are further victimized.

It was wrong way before the confession. You mentioned all the time together and personal conversations. You were participated in a temptation rich environment long before. That and confiding in someone with personal intimate information you are actively creating an emotional connection with someone outside of your marriage. For most, that is considered cheating. That's when you should have dialed it down, not now in an attempt to do damage control and after things crossed the line.

I learned something valuable while going through a divorce and in therapy. I was entrenched in a dynamic with my ex where he would push my buttons and I was very reactionary. I was seething and resentful most of the time and this toxic dance we did took its toll emotionally and physically. With the help of therapist, I learned to not react. When my ex was present and I could feel the tension build and when he was looking for conflict, I honestly told myself 'I will not come out to play' (over and over) I learned to not engage in the toxic exchange and struggled to find balance and peace within myself. I was warned and found out quickly that if I didn't 'come out to play' he would escalate. I did at times calmly and respectfully state my boundary, that his behavior was not ok and it changed the way I felt about him and the marriage. That was it. I learned to no longer roll around in the muddy waters with him. When he realized the spell was breaking he did escalate his bad behavior. It got pretty ugly and he seemed desperate when he realized he no longer had an effect on me. Changing my actions and how I viewed it was incredibly powerful. Noone was more surprised than myself. Up to this point, all my effort was exhausted trying win or change him. And. . .that never worked. At some point he was just deflated and left me alone. It wasn't fun or rewarding for him anymore, minus the creation he so dearly wanted out of me. At some point (much later) he was became more respectful towards me, recognizing that was the only thing I would respond to. I earned it. If winning is the goal. I felt I had won when I didn't give him to power to get a reaction out of me. There is a visual analogy that helped me. Two people on each end of a rope (you and your sister) in a fierce tug-of-war. Which appears to be very alive and present in your current situation, especially when you refer to your next move as "check mate" Imagine if you let go of the rope and turned away. What would happen? She'd fall on her butt. I only share this with you because it was one of the most freeing life lessons I have learned. That and recognizing that my truth and experience doesn't match others. Their truth, even if it makes us really uncomfortable is just as valid as my own. I don't have to like it, but I need to respect it. If it's too diverse, then I might have consider distancing myself from this person. My life goal is to minimize drama and be in peace. Its called for me to side step some people in my life. Not to minimize your feelings. The whole dynamic seems so painful. You are entitled to everything you are feeling. Your intentions are in the right place, fighting for family peace. But in these moments we need to often recognize that only thing we have control over is ourselves. When we catch ourselves so "other focused" to this degree it's usually a calling to look within and focus on our own actions and participation. That's where the power is. Funny things happen with we change our course, especially when we are locked into a difficult dynamic that clearly isn't working or creating any positive changes. "If what you are doing isn't working, do something different" I'd be curious if you were to try to not 'come out and play' what might happen. After the opposing party falls on their but because you dropped the rope it often requires them to make a shift. And when they shift, everyone else involved needs to shift accordingly. No guarantee what that shift looks like. But what you all are doing clearly isn't working. Consider changing your dynamic. It won't change overnight either. Much like in my case, it may initially escalate. It takes time, but its well worth it. Reading your words I can feel the pain and helplessness. Letting go is powerful gift. What other choice to you have?

I like the airbnb option. When you consider the money spent traveling, traveling back and forth, the possibility of him having to soley pay rent for the three months and the strain it puts on everyone, wouldn't it make sense to have them stay close to you rather than under the same roof? That is a total of 3 additional people in your home that you didn't have any say in? I'd be livid. A week or even two is reasonable. 1/4 of year is definitely not.

But that's about as good as it gets so early on. You can't be too heavy handed with someone in the early phases of dating. She's willing to be exclusive and you need to just go with that with a little faith. If for whatever reason you think she's too high risk then you rethink it and move on. There are no guarantees. She'll be with you because she wants to. Period. Not because you put a label on it. The question is, do you have the stomach for it and is it worth it? Only you know. If it's worth it you just take it a day at a time, be your best self and enjoy the process. Overthinking and white knuckling it changes your energy and it becomes unattractive.

So glad this was bumped because I missed it the first time. Thanks for the peek into your personal world. Life looks blissful and the baby is just adorable!

Having caught up on all of this, it's safe to say your sister is just all round not very nice and super messy. So why not give yourself the gift of peace and just remove yourself from this triangling mess? You aren't going to change her or teach her a lesson. Accept that this is who she is, distance yourself and take the high road. When someone smells a rat everyone else does too. You'd be far better off ignoring her antics and rising above all of this. It's a way better look than planning your next move. You allow her to push your buttons and react. Your reaction is a choice. Why give her the power that baits you into lowering yourself to her level? All those involved know the score so there really isn't any point in battling to defend yourself. Never the less, honor your disappointment and at the same time distance yourself. From where I sit no matter what you do it isn't going to change this complex family dynamic. By reacting to it you contribute to it. Give yourself the gift of stepping back and letting go. Remember, people will only fight with someone who fights back. Don't react and it isn't fun for her anymore.

Hurt people hurt people. Her childhood as she knew it becomes a lie in a moment. That's a lot to unpack. Someone pointed out perfectly that she's regressed to a child and acting out. Rather than merely focusing on the insult of being called a liar consider having some compassion for her. If her acting out is a measure of her pain, then she must be in a very dark place. Her denial appears desperate. Think about that for a moment. Certainly not to this degree but I found out some things about my father that rocked my view of my childhood. It took a long time to unwind, grieve the loss of my illusion and regroup. My childhood in so many ways seemed like a lie at the time. Again, it wasn't near the picture you painted. I can only multiply that times 100 and I can walk in your sister's shoes. Not to say I agree with the way in which she is handling it. But I can understand her pain and confusion. She's the common denominator here with the list of family members you describe. If you look around you, you are not alone and have plenty of family support. Your experience is not debatable, be confident in that and conduct your life accordingly. So, step back and give her plenty of room to process this. Remind yourself that she is grieving. Even though it's difficult try not to take it personally and let this run its course.

I've erroneously made this assumption. One thing I do agree on is - people will only be with you if they want to. Asking in a respectful way to clarify the situation doesn't sound manipulative at all. Sounds pretty mature to me. What would seem odd is if you can't have a candid conversation about it. You are after all swapping bodily fluids.

I would just address the elephant in the room. Consider using a clearer choice of words rather than glossing over it the way you two have. Just put it out there in a casual tone. "Hey, I know in that moment we agreed that we didn't want to have sex with anyone else. I am also aware that you will be around your friend for the next couple of weeks. If you are still interested in seeing other people, that is certainly your prerogative, and I would understand if you needed to do what feels right for you. It's just something I'd want to know and wanted to clarify if we were on the same page just so things don't get messy." Have this conversation from a place of strength and not from insecurity. Believe you deserve to know where you stand at this point. If she's crazy about you, she'll leap at the opportunity to clarify this. If not, she's either not sure or she's willing to risk losing you.

oh my gosh S. I hope he's feeling better! That is so scary.

You mentioned that the anxiety started during the pandemic and not necessarily related to this guy. Yet your interactions with him were fraught with anxiety because of the state you were in. Not necessarily because he caused the anxiety. Safe to say this was a very anxious time in your life. If anxiety is new to you then it's a very sensitive time while you tried to manage and figure it out. It makes sense that his sudden presence would take you back to an anxious time in your life. When you relive those moments with him, the memories of the anxiety are bound to rear it's ugly head as well. Don't confuse these intense emotions as some sort of intense connection with him. The two are separate. Not to say there is no future for you two. But just be careful not to give this intensity too much value. It's sort of like when I think of my mom, while her passing was still fresh the memories of her were very intense and painful. My relationship with my mom was the best and neither intense or painful. But that moment in my definitely life was. Now after some time passing the difficult emotions settle and memories are now enjoyable. The question remains as to whether you continue to open this door. Seeing you just met someone you seem to like and are in a better place in your life, you should spend some time doing an honest deep dive as to whether you should continue flirting with this idea.

I'm a crier. I've also learned that it feels cleansing. At times like this I'd set some tie aside just for that. Sad songs, anything to provoke those feeling in that window of time. If I didn't do it this way, it would spill out at inopportune times. After my mom passed away while I was at work, I'd hold it in all day. Often times unsuccessful. But during my drive home, often 90 mins long I'd cry the entire time. While processing a heartbreak I'd resist the pull to busy myself for a day here and there and just sit home in the middle of the difficult emotions. There's no shortcut. I just learned to face them head on. It seems to work for me Hang in there. .

I've been a DIL and I have a DIL. I would chance to guess that her insecurity might be source of tension for your son and his marriage. Shining a light on it could risk putting him in a position to defend her and putting him the middle. I wouldn't say anything. Her insecurities are hers to deal with. Continue doing what you are doing and at the same time being sensitive to the situation and refrain from doing anything to aggravate it. IMO speaking up about it is too risky. If she's that insecure, if it gets back to her she's likely to have an insecure reaction to it. Hopefully, time will take care of it.

You know. . I have anxiety and have struggled with certain partners in the past. I don't believe I was ever looking for someone to help manage my anxiety *with me, but what I have learned is that I've made choices in men that have spiked my anxiety. I practiced buckling down and tried to reign it in like some out of control wild horse and at times successful, but exhausting non the less. I have learned to accept this is who I am and without trying I've coincidently found someone who doesn't trigger any anxiety in me. He doesn't have to reassure me or do anything out of ordinary. It turns out that he's - merely consistent and transparent. I suppose the most surprising thing is that it can be so simple - 5 years later. Not to say I'm no longer anxious. But because of the dynamic between us and his nature, when I feel it coming on I can easily dismiss it. We compliment each other. It may be possible this just isn't the right guy for you.

It seems you were actively detaching while you were in the relationship. After everything you've mentioned it must feel somewhat of a relief to not be subjecting yourself to this anymore. You can miss the relationship or being in one, but not necessarily miss this person. Add to that blocking him allows you to process things cleanly and not continue in the messy back and forth. I think you are right on track. Something similar happened to me. Dating someone who was clearly wrong for me. We broke up the first time and I was wrecked. We reconciled only to break up 6 months later. I felt a little wobbly trying to get my balance. But I snapped back quickly and never once shed a tear. Much like you I found it a little weird. But all in all I think I knew we were wrong for each other and end was inevitable. And . .I never spoke to him again after that last day. Carry on!

kinda sweet that the spark was always there despite the years 🤗