reinventmyself

I am sorry Lambert. Family dynamics are so complex. My older brother distanced himself from the family for close to 15 years? During this time my father had Alzheimer's and while having preteens at home, I drove an hour each way every weekend to help. When things escalated and neither my mother, along with my help couldnt handle it, I merely mentioned my frustration regarding my brother's absence. My mother passionately defended him saying "this scares him!!" I lost it. How convenient. Did he think this was easy for anyone? Fast fwd my brother remarries and his now wife provided hospice in her home for both her parents, twice within the span of one year. I can't say for sure, but that seemed to create a shift in my brother. For the first time he was more present in our mother's life. Inconsistently at that, but it made her happy. While my mother was in convalescent care, nearing the end of her life and he sat by her bedside every day for 5 weeks. All in all, the business of the decision making, moves, finances, being an advocate for their care for years and ultimately end of life decisions was on me. Not to mention being a constant presence in both my parent's life. His new presence eased my resentment some, but I would have preferred to share the responsibility at times. His absence was always on my parent's mind, and I had to hear about it my entire adult life. All in all, I had to practice looking at our relationships separately. My brother's relationship with our mom was separate and not up to me to try to manage. He could make her day or disappoint her and I had to take a hands off approach. It hurt at times to see her disappointment. I have two adult sons, so I can relate to how hurtful it must have been. What you are feeling is normal. What helped me to manage it is to compartmentalize it. You all are not a team. At times you aren't acting like a united family. I would choose to put blinders on about their choices and actions. Afterall, you can't control or change it, no matter how hard you try. This is a challenging time and it will tax you. I would minimize interactions with them and continue to take the high road, with updates. That's about it. Acceptance and letting go is probably what is called for at this time. What they do is on them. Period. As the executor it took a little over 2 grueling years to settle their estate. I can't say I wasn't grumbling at times that the estate was evenly split. Honest, raw human moments where I questioned my own pettiness, and it wasn't about the money. It was the principle. Those moments were few but what I couldn't put a price tag on, was for as much as my parents longed for a closer relationship to their son, there is no doubt they knew who which of us they could trust and count on. I am honored they saw that in me and that I could do it. In the end, it was all about honoring their wishes. Again, pushing myself to remember that his relationship with his parents was entirely different than mine. That's on him to deal with. Give yourself the gift of letting go. We can't pick our families. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

I went through a couple years of therapy while going through a divorce. My therapist had me read a book "Attached" It was pretty good and an easy read. My guess was that I had an anxious attachment style. My therapist confirmed I have an ambivalent attachment style. Unfortunatey, while even armed with this knowledge it's hard to undo. Maybe impossible. It originates from our up bringing and we can't go back and redo our childhoods. But what we can do with the information is, be aware of our patterns, where they came from and constantly challenge them. I would think it would be hard to do outside of relationship. I've known this for 20 plus years and though things are better, it never really goes away. I am able to catch it and challenge myself to do things differently. But in the mean time what you are doing is helpful. Seeking information, being insightful and questioning patterns.

Flakey was my sense. But I didn't consider it a scam. Now that you mention that it gives me a lot to think about! Yikes

Uh oh. . .I hope everything is ok

. . .and with that, I didn't take the job offer after all. So many of these retail merchandising jobs can be fishy. And an equal number are good. I thought I learned to suss them out. I received my final contracts, requesting account information for direct deposit etc, and thought to go back and research the company again. While rereading reviews, one in particular stood out to me. I need to pin them down for the number of hours weekly. I understood it's difficult for them to guarantee hours, as it's constantly changing. I thought back to the conversations with the interviewer and thought her responses were somewhat of a word salad. I reached out to her right before I sent back the contracts with all my vitals and asked for any kind of average hour commitment. Her response 2 to 5 hours a week! Aargh! I had turned down an offer from another company previously for the same reason. I thought I knew how to spot them. I never turned in the contracts and they never even followed up with me. I literally dropped off the earth. With that, they reached out to me twice offering me opportunities in different cities as if I am a first time applicant. (as recent as this morning) I also kept overlooking the fact that my direct supervisor lives in a different time zone and manages accounts on the west coast . . but every time she called at our scheduled time she called 4 hours early. How can she manage west coast accounts if she can't manage the time difference? I now get the sense they would hire anyone. I left my previous job because it was bad, my current one isn't much better. I need to remind myself I am not that desperate, and I deserve a job that is a minimally decent fit and that I at least like going to. I ended up feeling a little fickle over the whole thing. Any way . . I've taken a break from it all. I was so overly preoccupied with it. I have two vacations this month. I will continue at the god forsaken equestrian center and promise myself to not complain . .at least for the time being.

He liked it when he knew it wouldn't go any further and now that your divorce is nearing, he realizes he'd have to make a choice.

Casual relationships run their course. Relationships, whether it's your neighbor, coworker or someone you date, evolve and grow. It's close to impossible to keep them status quo and keep them from maturing. Most people become attached. I am not sure why you are trying to find fault with her having developed feelings for you at this point. This is your moment. You need to get on board or let her go. Or . . .wait until she grows tired of waiting and finds someone who is available to reciprocate what she has to offer. I get the sense you do like her. You don't want to lose her, but you'd like to keep things on your terms. You refer to this as initial infatuation? . yet you've been dating and sleeping with her for months. I would consider her feelings very normal . . and yes, yours cynical. Or simply . .you're just not into her.

Glad you were both on the same page with that. The originator of this post is not. That's the difference.

It's a form of gaslighting. Entry level stuff but it can be in indicator of more to come. Putting ideas in your head that cause you to second guess yourself while simultaneously telling you it's not him, but you. Listen to your gut.

Wow . . all that would keep me awake at night. The most we ever did was Millers Briggs. Your test is nothing short of remarkable!

I saw a promo for that and wanted to watch it as well. I'll be patient. So frustrating that streaming channels are now charging for better shows. We'll end up being where we were when cable was the only option.

Oh gosh S. Thats a lot on your plate. Not to minimize the weight of it all, but the good news is he's making progress. Sending hugs and prayers he continues on a road to improvement. But I certainly understand the worry. In the meantime be good to yourself.

And with that. . I accepted a job offer today. After my background check is completed I'll give notice to the equestrian center. Yippee. Sooo over the place. My current work days are Th & Fri. So for now, I'll have to endure this week. The new job is a retail merchandiser. I did it once before for Procter & Gamble several years ago. The beauty of it is you have so many hours each week to get the task done but you can create your own schedule.

I resist writing in my journal at times. It seems a place where I will spew negativity. Granted I have had some negative experiences, but sometimes journaling it all doesn't always serve a purpose for me. It gives it more value than it deserves. I am still at the equestrian center, now 6 months later. Things haven't changed and most times literally frustrating. It's not much money, but it is income that is now factored into my budget. Without it I would need to withdraw more from savings and investments. With the economy being so volatile I feel it's best to have another part time job lined up before I let this go. Unfortunately, it's not that easy! Who would'a thought? I have applied to several very simple, almost entry level jobs to not get one. Imagine my little self-esteem when I look back and realize I have gotten every job I ever applied for my entire life. It's pretty puzzling. I am not letting it rattle me. Time is on my side. (I think) I have no idea why I get passed up, but I do recall I would pass on overqualified candidates for those who would find an entry level position a little more challenging with room to grow. Not sure if this is it, but it's something to consider. Not to toot my own horn, but years of work experience counts, not matter how you slice it. I keep running into people who greet me enthusiastically, congratulate me on my retirement and eagerly ask me how fabulous it is. I realize my reaction is puzzling to both myself and them. I don't know what to say in response. It seems expected that if you had planned on retiring, you'd gush how amazing it is. But though I am retired and there some positives about it, the reality is I quit my job because it was miserably toxic. It never seems like a great response to the enthusiastic question in the moment. I am practicing just saying "It's great" But from there they want me to elaborate on the why's of how it's so great. I don't have a good response to this yet, but I am working on it. As grateful as I am to have the privilege, it's been quite an adjustment and at times not easy. It feels very similar to being congratulated on your divorce and people dying to know how fabulous it is. I am volunteering once a week at the animal shelter, in the cattery. It absolutely love it. It's kitten season and the kitten count yesterday was 16. I sit in the midst of each room and I can't believe I don't have to pay admission for these sweet little things to crawl all over me and curl up in my lap. You develop relationship with the older cats, some who aren't adoptable for various reason but will live their life out in the cattery. It's beautiful and well maintained. They have a vert,very good life. We have a couple rv trips this month and so looking forward to it. BF traded in his trailer for a brand new one and we love the rv life. Friends are catching the fever and buying them themselves and now we have friends to join us. One weekend this month there is a taco, margarita festival at fairground next to the beach. We will camp and ride our bikes with another couple to and from the festival. The following week, spending 6 nights in the Sierras. Can't wait! My oldest son turned 36 on Monday. Uhg. Tell them to stop doing that! I spent the evening with him and his girlfriend eating dinner from a roof top restaurant, with and ocean view and watched the sunset. He managed to steal my credit card back from waiter telling him it was my birthday and wouldn't give it back to me 'til we got back home. My youngest son will turn 32 in Sept and expecting their second daughter in Nov. Their toddler is now 20 months and has more personality than any one child deserves. She is nonstop entertainment. That's about it. . Glad I can actually find some positive things to write about 😉

I read somewhere once that one can expect to change your circle of friends every 5 years or so. You've just accounted to everyone's major life milestones and as life would have it, we all evolve. Sometimes that evolution finds us naturally drifting in different directions and you end up meeting other people along the way who you have more in common with at that particular stage of your life. I have changed my circle of friends a few times in my life. There was a time I felt much like you and I took it very personally. But with different jobs, having children, etc I also noticed that I was meeting different people along the way and cultivating new friendships as well. I am still friends with the women from 30 yrs ago and even with that I do see how much we've changed, and those changes have reshaped our friendships. Though we make the effort to get together once in while I certainly say we aren't as well matched as we used to be.

I think you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself. Cheating has everything to do with the cheater and his lack of character. It has nothing to do with you. Being cheated on brings out the worst in most of us. We act out in ways we regret. But it doesn't negate the cheaters actions. No, this isn't about your ego or your immaturity. This is about you being profoundly hurt. The more you focus on what's wrong with you, it takes away from his responsibility. Just give this time. What you are feeling is normal. When you are ready consider dating, take your time and practice not get seriously involved. You practice learning things about people good and bad. And most of all you learn to trust yourself. Learn to read people and you trust that have what it takes to walk away when you suspect something is off. Trust that no matter what, you'll be ok.

If I waited for my husband to say something, nothing would ever be said. I did in fact wait, asked, insisted and it was all for nothing. He couldn't bring himself to go up against his mother. The advice is good if it works, but not always practical. If at some point you recognize it isn't going to happen, you need to take charge. It's not a popular position, but she clearly insensitive to your needs, so at this point you don't need to spare her feelings. Don't forget, this is your moment. Not hers. There is a way to do it firmly, yet respectfully. When she takes the baby for 8 hours, you tell her the terms and you will be checking in periodically. You tell her that this is your time to bond with the baby and though you genuinely appreciate her help, time alone to rest and establish a routine is paramount. You tell her you are feeling overwhelmed and have decided the only way to get a handle on it is to establish a quiet routine and schedule. Tell her that you hope she understands. Set aside an afternoon that she may visit, or whatever YOU are comfortable with. I would compromise with her holding the baby while you are present. That will foster some good will. I remember feeling the same way and didn't want anyone to hold the baby for any period of time. Looking back, it was likely my hormones running the show. But with everything combined, it's clear her intrusion is too much. Remember, come 2 or 3 years and the possibility of extending your family you might appreciate her being able to step in. But until then, this is your baby, your family and you get to set the terms. You can do it in a way that doesn't alienate your MIL. Saying nothing, assuming your husband will do it isn't working.

Before you throw it away it owe it yourself to ask for change first. Granted it may mean more of the same and the only way to know it likely more policing. That and he may just get better at hiding it. If you're up for it, insist on change. That habit is hard to break but you some people are able to walk away from it. You won't know unless you ask. If you are not up to the struggle, noone would blame you. For no other reason than - you'll have no regrets.

It's interesting how far this thread has come from where it started, and I appreciate you opening up and sharing the more vulnerable details of your personal life. "I stopped worrying so much about 'am I pleasing my wife?' that she seemed to respond more and I was having more fun" ^^I think this is pretty huge and I hope you explore this more. Not to minimize your desire to have her meet you halfway, but how you choose to view this is a choice. You can choose to let it make you miserable or you can try to look at it differently. As you have pointed out, it changes the experience for both of you. It's already been said, but if you don't get the root of your own insecurities (and we all have them), you will replicate this in other relationships. I commend you for going to therapy. Therapy is often a very brave thing to do. I hope writing all this down serves a purpose. You both seem like a lovely couple, and I hope you find your answers.

The mentions of her reluctance to communicate and him figuring 'why bother?' and not trying as well: My bf would rather have a root canal then have a challenging conversation, but I pursue it anyway. Why? Because I was in an 18 yr marriage where I didn't communicate, felt unheard if I tried, so I didn't bother. I was resentful and completely shut down. For every unresolved conflict became a brick and when enough bricks became insurmountable, the wall was too high to bring down. Not to say that I didn't try. There was nothing more important to me than keeping my family together. I went to counseling initially alone and learned to own my part in the dynamic. We went to marriage counseling together. Couples counseling only works if both parties are equally invested in healthy change. Unfortunately, my ex was invested in keeping things the way they were. Where his wife didn't have voice and acquiesced to all his demands. Unfortunately, she grew up and grew out of this and left. I have no regrets that I didn't try everything. I was an enthusiastic student in therapy and took all the advice to heart. I learned to have a voice and learned there is really no-other-way-around-it. Conflicts are still not my thing and though it doesn't come easy for me, I sure as heck speak up now. From where I sit there absolutely no other way to have an emotionally close connected relationship with someone without it. Sex really doesn't happen or at least work well minus an emotional connection. So, pity my bf who'd rather not talk about the tough stuff. <I say jokingly>

It's my first born's birthday today! Meeting him and his girlfriend later for a sunset dinner.

As long as someone has feelings for someone else. . even intense negative feelings for, they are still enmeshed and attached in some way. It's when you no longer care and aren't affected by them is when you are truly past it. When you think about it, we aren't really triggered by people we don't care about. The fact that he intensely triggered by interactions with his ex is clear indication he's still entangled and therefore not datable. I think we all briefly gloss over our dating history with new partners. But when we can't help ourselves but dump ongoing war stories to the point we aren't even enjoyable to be around, is a raging clear indicator that you should have passed on this one. There's a theory that the first person you date, post divorce is not the person you end up with. I guess the message here is you end up being that person they exercise all their grief and issues on. Otherwise known as rebound. Next time you see one coming, pass. Dating for him at this point is nothing more than a distraction from his messy life. He's not in the mindset to respectfully contribute to a healthy relationship. . no matter how much either one of you would like to believe otherwise.

"we have 3 children together but he was able to save for the deposit on our house as he earn more and worked more (I have always worked but also the primary carer for our children so limited on what I could do)" This is why there are laws on child support. You supported the family by working in the home, while he was able to further himself in his career. As a result he has more earning power. This places you at a disadvantage. He was able to earn the money to put a down payment on the house because the burden of childcare was not on him. Had he been sharing the responsibility he wouldn't have had the opportunity to earn more. He should be thanking you and property you have was acquired both of your contributions, whatever role either of you played. That's why there are community property laws. He's playing a game of emotional blackmail with you and your reconciliation has terms attached to it. There's nothing loving about that. Had he come into the marriage with assets, I could see the need for a prenup. But a postnup at this point in the game is bs.

I'd tell him we need to talk and just place the viagra pack on the table and say nothing. I'd wait to see his reaction. How he approaches the subject will be telling. . .but that's me. Personally, I think you have enough information. I also understand opening up tinder boxes such as this has a rippling effect. We sometimes aren't ready to ask the tough questions, knowing we may need to make difficult decisions and be prepared to act on them. For that reason, you can take your time until you're ready. It's a lot to process. I'm sorry this is happening.

You need to consider that your past unhealthy experiences have not been fully explored or resolved. Until you learn why you were a part of a challenging upbringing and toxic relationships you are only bound to repeat the patterns until you take the time to heal and learn otherwise. It's all you know. You will gravitate and attract equally challenging relationships. They tend to present themselves over and over as means to teach lessons we haven't yet learned. We tend to gravitate to what is familiar. Being treated poorly is what's familiar to you. You have some work to do. It takes time and it's well worth it. As you have just described, your bad experiences shaped you and you take them into future relationships. It really doesn't get better until you take the time out to learn the lessons the challenging experiences are trying to teach you. The good thing is you are here asking questions. That's a powerful start to a journey that can take you to the other side to making better choices and having healthy, meaningful relationships. Not only with others, but yourself. Go back and reread your thread. You listed gross incompatibilities only to say how compatible you two are. Acknowledge the inconsistencies. Maybe it's wishful thinking. It's ok. We've all done it, until we learn better. Whenever I have a repeated challenge, I step back and ask myself "what is this trying to teach me?"