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Two months ago my boyfriend broke up with me. When we started dating Nov21 the idea was we'd only be together until I moved and although that was fine at first, both of us started to develop feelings, even mention potentially wanting a long term future with children. There was a point early on where I wasn't sure what he was feeling as there'd been a situation where I'd had my drink spiked at the pub when out with him and his friends which really shook me. I was fine but the following day I needed some space alone to process everything as I was feeling quite fragile. Take that and other times when I'd want time on my own I know he found this difficult and started to question why I needed this time - he just didn't seem to understand. Now I'm talking about a few hours to potter about town on a Sunday and we'd see each other around 3 times a week either just us or with friends so... There were also other factors. So he has MS and can more or less funny function at the moment but it affects him daily with pain and tiredness which meant workwise he'd chosen a part time role and was living with his parents who argue all the time. His mum also doesn't allow him to do anything and he's criticised for doing things wrong so just just stops trying. She also has major victim mentality and he told me she's dragged him into this saying they're the same - maybe so she's not dealing with it alone. I have a career and am reasonably well paid and independent and knowing he wanted to change his situation and find a full time role I thought I was supporting by sending the odd job and offering to look at his CV. He essentially told me I was putting pressure on him so I backed off as the last thing I wanted was for him to feel smothered. Another thing we'd talked about is money and the fact I'd worked hard for over 14 years to be able to afford nice holidays and trips. He said if he had the money he'd pay for me but initially this made me feel kind of uneasy as I'm happy doing the cheaper things but didn't feel I should pay for everything if it got be be a more pricey break. This one is weird really as this was 'supposed' to be a short term thing but we talked like it wasn't going to be and I don't think that really helped us. I ended things due to all this confusion and not really knowing what we were doing on top of the fact he was telling me he didn't feel sure about being with me. This was followed by a conversation where he accused me of being unauthentic and not genuine to myself and that'd given him pause to think our values and ways of communication were different as apparently I'm secretive and become defensive when asked questions. Within a week we'd had a long chat about getting back together but put the breaks on and just enjoy hanging out and not put any kind of pressure or expectation on things as it would still be something short term. Who was I kidding? I loved being with this person - cooking together, hanging out with friends, long walks in the countryside, dinner or drinks dates, games nights, dancing to romantic music in my kitchen. I didn't want it to end and to me there was so much good. It as like were in tune with our emotions in such a strong and connected way I just can't describe it. Looking at the other side though, it's like I knew he was possibly feeling inadequate about his life and financial situation and boy did he like to analyse everything, and I mean everything. It got to the point where he'd ask me questions about why i'd chosen him when I could have been with someone who had money. Fastforward to near the end of the relationship and he asked to view a message an ex had sent me. We'd split up over a year prior and I admitted I still had feelings for this persson shortly into the relationship. I like to think of myself as a very honest person and he kept telling me I needed to be honest as that's how we build communication and support one another. I'd made it clear there was no way we'd get back together and that still stands today. Regardless, by this point he'd contacted my ex to 'find out' when we'd actually split and if we were still talking which really upset me. A week later and we'd booked to go away to a wooden cottage in the hills. We had the best time, it was just magical, the whole thing being away just us in this beautiful place. Cooking on the bbq at night, listening to music on the terrace. 3 days later he turned up at my place and ended it. It didn't completely come from nowhere due to the thing where he'd messaged my ex and to top it off I thought I could have been pregnant which he really struggled to absorb and said he just couldn't cope as if if I was it'd tip him over the edge. The breakup speech was long so let me bullet point his main points: - I said I wanted a baby with you but I fantasised about it and actually I don't as I don't believe in bringing a child into this society - I want to sell all my things, leave my job and my band and disappear - I'm incredibly unhappy with my life and if one more bad things goes wrong I'm going to have a stroke - My MS is getting worse - I'm not ready for a relationship and I don't think you are either - I'm anxious most of the time because of our relationship - I can't talk to you for 3 months so after I leave that's it I cried during most of this and didn't say too much. I didn't want him to leave and I told him I respected his decision but I didn't agree we should break up. Fast-forward 7 weeks of no contact and we bump into each other - I'll skip this bit as there is much more to say about the following meeting a further 2 weeks on. So we ended up hanging out as part of a group of friends the weekend just gone. He walked me home and essentially told me the following: - I'd been defensive in the relationship as I didn't answer his questions (sometimes I did feel attacked or like he was trying to find a character flaw in me I can't really describe it) - Again I'm not genuine, honest and authentic - I'm a puppeteer and he's my puppet - You have a huge ego - I'm madly in love with you and was bed ridden for days and got told off by my boss - I wish I didn't love you but I do - You didn't wish me happy birthday or show up to my gig (why would I when he broke up with me) - I needed you to find me after we broke up to show me and prove your love to me and I would have gotten back together with you - I want to get back with you but I don't as well and I want you to consider staying living here to prove you really love me (I said no I was still leaving as it was something I'd been planning on for a long time) He wanted sex and truth be told so did I but it just felt like if I did it I'd lose my dignity after he said (and believes) all these things about me. He left which was incredibly hard for both of us (it took about 45 mins to let each other go) and now I'm just confused and sad. I still love him but how can I even begin to understand what's going on with him here. I want to see him so badly and just talk but it's like I'm no therapist or psychologist and I can't just sit there and say he's wrong about so many things. I've said in the past I disagree and I know I had been defensive at certain points as like I said I'd be questioned about a lot of stuff I just saw as irrelevant and I'd never been questioned like that so it just didn't feel comfortable to be fired questions. I don't know what to do, I just don't know. Please help me to try to understand this.
I've been with my current boyfriend for about 2 years. We went to the same middle school, became really close friends in high school (around 2011), and because of his relationship at the time of like 3/4 years, we kind of drifted apart around 2014. Some sort of social media post led to a conversation, which led to us being inseparable since 2020. I've been struggling lately though, because he's great. I love him so much. He makes mistakes, but even when things start to turn unhealthy in any of our behaviors, he acknowledges it. He can say the hard things, but he can also sit with his thoughts and come back understanding. When we began talking again, I had gotten over a tough 5 year relationship, so I started an entirely new life and hadn't spoken to most of the people I went to high school with. Once I graduated, I immediately had to work and eventually moved in with my boyfriend when I was 19 because my family home was being foreclosed on. I paid bills (every single bill. rent, utilities, everything) on my own for 6 months not knowing if I'd be evicted with one mistake and was working for a miserable utilities company that I hated but had to stay at. I couldn't even afford to go to college, and paid out of pocket for a class or two just to have something. All the while, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that ended with heart palpitations and suicidal thoughts. I went through a lot of trauma even before then and I've been putting the pieces together to fully heal. It's been so hard. I forgotten so much and was so happy to just speak to him again because we were so freaking close and the same. Little throwbacks would come up when he would say I was always there for him on social media or some old, long conversations we used to have when venting. I admired that kid since day one. He was just like me, a weirdo. I wanted to know him since the day I first saw him. Lately, a lot of our high school past has been resurfacing. It's been years, right? But I started to remember how much I cared for him and some hurtful memories began to pop up. He was in an on and off relationship with someone who gaslighted him, and I was there for him to speak to for advice. I remember liking him but was such a tolerant person who accepted any treatment to be real with myself. I put my energy into being mature even then and did what I could to *never* selfishly give him advice against her. I rooted for them hard. To me, he was so admirable. He treated her wonderfully, and if anything, it probably would've changed my entire perspective if he ever crossed a line with me. I had a lil crush, but maintained it without ever being disrespectful and keeping my distance always thinking about how she would feel. After being told about awful cheating and gaslighting, they broke up. During that time, he crossed the friendship line and began flirting with me after 3 years of just being close friends. I was like a lil school girl, talking to his friends for advice and being all giddy updating them on how things were going. He confessed to me he always kinda liked me, we hung out, hooked up (he was probably only like, the second guy I ever hooked up with at the time so this wasn't a light thing for me). Right after, he asked to stay friends, he eventually got back with his ex and after high school, again saw their relationship flaunted everywhereeee, he asked me to hook up again, I said no, and we "drifted" apart. Thinking back on it, I think I'm starting to realize we didn't drift apart. He actually hurt me, and during that time, I dealt with sexual abuse, dealt with losing my family home, dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts and I remember always talking to him through his depression but don't really remember him being there for me. I remember us being so similar, but so different. I went to a pretty wealthy school, but I was not that. His parents were together, mine divorced. He lived in a wealthy neighborhood, mine was being foreclosed on. He was allowed to have people over, I was stuck to my house and actually "snuck" out just to simply hang out with him. He went to college, no student debt, for four years right after and got to experience his life, I had the opposite and had to begin paying bills fresh out of high school and had to pay to go to school online, on my own, still pursuing that degree. What life handed us does not take away a single thing he's been through, but it gives some context, but thinking back on it is so painful. I was always there for him, little ole me who went through abuse and trauma and betrayal, but I was always there. He never checked up on me or reached out. ***ty exes reached outs and I ignored them, but still always had a glimmer of "I meant something to them. *** them, but I meant something" and nothing from him. After going through all of that, and putting it aside to be there for him, I didn't even get a check up. Even after knowing I liked him, he didn't check up to make sure I was okay. After his got back with his ex, I was nothing to him. I'm looking back now and I'm so hurt thinking that's my story, and it's like I remembered it all wrong. It feels like I'm the nice girl who finished last and I'm so internally pissed. He doesn't remember though. All he remembers is his ex, his ex and what she put him through, the ex that unfortunately is also a part of my story because him going back and forgetting about me is what made me feel low, and like a side piece, and like someone was chosen over me, like people who hurt others are the ones that win and people like me are forgotten, easily. I remember him, I remember the good things and the bad, and what he put me through, maybe even unintentionally. It's like my soul feels like he had a chance and waited so long. He had the chance to be there for me when I was going through the worst pain but he wasn't. Was he willing to go on without me in his life forever? After all that time? Was he part of my villain origin story where people like him had no interest and dropped me and I was moving on, and then regressed and now I'm dealing with this? And also, is it even fair to him?! I'll go there, because it was years ago. The thing is, this isn't something I held on to and slowly threw this up, I've been trying to figure it out and put my thoughts together on where certain unrecognized behaviors from me come from. He thinks it was a lifetime ago. Even my friends remember. I'm 25, we started talking again when I was 22 and that happened when I was 17. I've been having nightmares about it, and having gone through that trauma, me and him have two entirely different processes and understandings and memories. It could be small to him, but this is needed for my healing journey and I'm done telling myself to let it go if it keeps coming up and is obviously something I have to deal with. I feel so bad for my inner child, and I'm feeling that hurt. What would you do? How can I process this and in a healthy way try to get past it?