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EdnaMarie35

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  1. My initial gut instinct would say yes, she is probably at minimum flirtatiously speaking with other guys, or worst case actually getting physical with these other guys. I’m sorry you are going through this in the relationship. I have been there so I know how it feels. My opinion is it’s time to let go of the relationship, it is indeed toxic. It won’t be easy but it will be worth your sanity and peace. Best of luck ❤️
  2. I do agree with everyone, tell your mom what’s going on. She needs to change her passwords immediately and also get a new up address for your home. I know at that age it can feel like your parents are against you but they really love you more than life itself and will do almost anything to protect you. I think I was 15 when I realized that my mom is my #1 supporter and best friend. She can help you get out of this in the safest way possible. To answer your question no, you are not a cheater. You are in a tough place and at your age it’s honestly a whirlwind of emotions. But keep your head up and stay focused on your well being. Also maybe taking some time without a relationship after this is over with would be helpful. It’s easier when you have a “rebound” but it might just end up hurting the “rebound” person and creating for pain for you in the long run. I really hope you find the courage to remove the toxic person form your life and confide in your mom for help ❤️
  3. The long awaited update: yesterday I found out I have Covid, my boyfriend was already at work and I told him that he should come home to my house and not go by his dads after work and expose him to Covid (his dad is 67). He says “we will see how it goes”, I wasn’t going to argue with him while he’s at work so I get off the phone and a few hours later text him and tell him that he should really consider the risks of going to his dads house and I really don’t think it’s a good idea. He sends back a trump meme with a hand movement of “whatever” implying it’s not a big deal. I am now immediately alarmed, what is so important at his dads house that he is willing to risk his dads well being? I then said to please call me right when you get off work. I wanted to further convince him not to see his dad when he could have Covid. He doesn’t call, it’s almost 6pm so I text him “everything okay?” He text back yes he is on his way home now to his dads and just gonna grab clothes and head home to my house. I call him right away. I am upset he is going to go expose his dad, I asked him to call me so why didn’t he? I said to him clearly there is something extremely important to you that you need to go there everyday and im super sketched out, and I think he should come here and talk about this. He was angry. He gets here, I ask again what is so important at your dads house? Why can’t I just wash your clothes you have with you? Do you really plan on going to work? He says-I was just going to run in real quick I say something is being hidden there’s a reason, I have a gut feeling and I want us to just be open and honest so that I can understand. He claims 3 times there’s nothing being hidden and I am just trying to pick out flaws. I persist that I know in my gut that there is a reason and somethings being hidden from me. He finally says he has attachment issues with his dad, he doesn’t want to up and leave him. I ask so you think your sister up and left him? He says yeah pretty much. I ask does your dad expect you to live with him forever? He doesn’t expect you to move out, get married and start a life and family of your own? He says yeah he would probably love it if I lived with him forever I said well what do you want? He says he wants to get married and have a family and admits he is afraid of the commitment, especially since he can tell there is a distance between us and he thinks I don’t like him anymore. I admit I am resentful and it probably does show. I explain the reasons I am resentful, circling back to the lack of willingness to commit to our relationship and the sketchy living here not living here situation. I finally say okay I am going to be honest with what I think is happening. I think you watch porn excessively and that is why you are going to your dads house everyday. I think you are embarrassed of it and don’t want to admit to me that is what’s going on. He immediately denies and says that 2 months ago when I voiced to him how it hurt me that he was watching porn everytime I left the house, that he hasn’t watched it since. I say I don’t believe you. He says it’s the truth, looks me in my eyes. I said do you swear that’s the truth? Again looking me in my eyes says I swear that’s the truth. I said okay can I see your phone? He hands it to me willingly. I search the history and begin to see porn sites 4-5 days out of the week for the past month. I say outloud to him a list of porn that he watched and then said oh yeah that was even on my birthday. Oh and look the next day you got off work, went to your dads and watched theses porn videos and then came over my house to have company over and have sex with me later that day. I say to him, how could you look me in my face and lie just now? I gave every opportunity. He is speechless for a while. He claimed he would have never told me about it and didn’t think that spouses should discuss that. Also tried the “all guys watch it” but I shut that down with the no, not everyday, it’s clearly a problem don’t you think so? He says no. I say how it hurts me, and how does he jack off in secrecy and still have sex with me the same day? Isnt it difficult to cum twice with only a few hours between? Is this why you havent been “as hard” as you used to be? He claims he doesn’t jack off everytime he watches it. I say that it is even more hurtful, because it isn’t some sort of release or stress relief then. Does he have fantasies I cannot fulfil? Why does he feel the need to watch pornography he isn’t masturbating? He claims he has watched it this way since he was 13. I said it seems like a deep rooted addiction and I think he needs help. He says no it’s not a big deal and he will just stop. I asked him why he would not come clean to me when I just asked him? And then again when I directly asked about the porn he lied straight to my face, how can you so easily and willingly lie to me? He doesn’t really have a response. I ask him if he claims he’s spending quality time with his dad when he does there, where is his dad while he’s watching the porn? Does he watch it while he’s sitting right next to him having a conversation? It doesn’t make sense. he says no, he would watch it in his bedroom. So I say then when are you spending anytime with your dad like you claim you are? It’s not adding up. But he swears up and down the reason of going to his dads everyday is not to watch porn but because he is extremely attached to him. I tell him how about I be like the girls he watches? If I start doing cam girl videos it’s only on screen just like the porn he watches right? It’s not cheating because I’m not interacting with anyone, just on screen like he does. He says it’s different and I say how? If anything I’m becoming more like the girls that you seek out to watch everyday instead of me the actual person you are with. You should like me more then right? He says no and of course “the porn has nothing to do with me” and that he is attracted to me. I then argue the point that he isn’t looking up porn of 130 lb brunettes, he is watching porn literally of girls who are opposite of me in everyway when it comes to looks, and that’s hurtful. It makes me feel so unattractive and just disgusted and unwanted and not enough. He says he understands and that he will just stop watching it. I say well you just lied to my face, how am I supposed to believe you will just stop? When in my opinion it’s a serious addiction and needs help to break it. Why wouldn’t he just tell me what I wanted to hear in the future, continue watching it and then just delete the history after? He doesn’t have a response. I say I just can’t believe you lied to me, how can I ever trust what you say? It circles back to the bigger problem of our commitment and trust issues with each other. I say that I think we need to be open and honest with each other or else our relationship cannot work, these are things we need to talk out and come to an understanding on so that we can move forward without paranoia, resentment, and stop the distance it has put between us. I felt better to finally get everything out on the table, but at the same time he just showed me he is a liar, and will lie to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. And I hate that, how do you trust after being lied to, whether it’s big or small? I suppose I will find out if it is possible, in my experience in the past after being lied to, it only creates more paranoia and distrust. Sorry I know that my decisions and actions are not what some of you have advised me, but I’ve done a lot of thinking and talking with my best friend and I decided before this conversation that if he is willing to admit these “flaws” and talk them out to work through them as partners in life then I am willing to work through them, but if he was unwilling and just “shuts down” on me then the relationship will never work due to lack of honesty and communication. He did deny, lie and shut down at first, I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t ask to see his phone and prove that he was lying? I’m still hurt, but at least everything is out in the open and we are both willing to work through it together. I know that I am not perfect either, I have flaws, the painfully obvious one being trust issues/paranoia of betrayal. I’d like to blame it on previous trauma, but I acknowledge I am more extreme than the average person when it comes to this. I told him if the way I am in this respect is bothersome to him then I am willing to talk about that and work on it, but I also told him I am being transparent with who I am and you can choose if you are willing to accept how I am or not. I asked him to please give me the same, don’t hide these parts of your life or who you are, be open and honest with me and let me choose how I Feel, don’t force a fake reality on me. We both agreed that we need to resolve the issues of the trust he has broken with me, and the resentment I have towards him before we can move forward. I mentioned that we are in a catch 22 situation, he is “afraid” of committing to our relationship and I see that. So in turn I became increasingly paranoid as to why? Why even be in this with me if you aren’t going to BE in this with me? So I grew resentful and waited for him to show me he is ready for this. But when I became resentful he then became even more afraid to commit any further. So something’s gotta give here right? Time will tell…… Thanks everyone for your continued support ❤️
  4. You’re right, he did just leave it ambiguous like he has before. That is a great idea, I am going to set a time limit for myself what I feel is appropriate to “wait” and from there if I feel I deserve more than I am getting I will consider letting this relationship go as it has proved to be going not where I want to be. I can’t thank you and everyone enough for the advice, reassurance, and confidence to figure this all out for myself. I really felt like I was going crazy two weeks ago and finding this forum has really helped me sort things out in my head as best I can. Thank you 🙏
  5. Thank you, Lost. I agree with your suggestion and pretty much everything you said. I do need to decide how I want to move forward and that is a big struggle for me. It’s hard not to be upset with him each and every day that’s gone by. And it really is not a happy way to live. I was feeling desperate last weekend and I directly asked him to stay here in the mornings, which might have been out of emotion but he has been staying here in the mornings. he still goes to his dads after work and showers there then comes here. I have since had another talk with him about how I feel about the relationship and moving forward. I expressed that I am sad that he always has one foot out the door. I told him the things that I want and thought we would already have in our relationship (which is what I’ve mostly already explained here) and asked him what he wants and thinks. He said he does want these things with me but to just “given him a little more time”. To me more time feels like just becoming more distant, and me growing more resentful because of it. I so badly want to say to him if you want this then man up and be part of it but I know that is insensitive and shouldn’t be said. This is really great advice, I do need to spend a few days apart and really figure out what I want for myself and my life, and what I deserve. I can’t thank you enough for your help and support ❤️
  6. Thank you. Yes it is concerning, and I have tried to bring it up a few times in a gentle way as to not make him feel attacked or like I am trying to force him to do things he does want to do. I voiced to him that I would like that I have been sad because I feel that he does not want to take the next steps in our relationship and he said that he noticed and can tell I am upset. He then said that all of these “things” I consider moving forward in our relationship would happen after marriage in his mind. I said okay why haven’t you asked me to marry you yet? He says he is apprehensive because he’s never been in a relationship this long and a friend of his just got married and divorced a year later. I didn’t want to keep pressing this issue because I didn’t want to put pressure or force him to do something he doesn’t want to. But in my mind I’m thinking what kind of bs excuse is that? And after we are married then I can learn of his porn habits? What if he has terrible credit and owes a bunch of money? I feel that these are things we should know each other before getting married. What I did say was something along the lines of if you are afraid to lose me then wouldn’t you want to marry me? He said he has been waiting for the “2year” mark and that it’s really expensive to get married and he isn’t prepared financially yet. You’re right, if I ask him to not stay here anymore it would probably end the relationship or damage it to point we wouldn’t be able to come back from it. At the same time if I do tell him I don’t want him to stay here anymore and the reason why then I’m basically giving him an ultimatum to either actually live here with me as a partner or leave which I feel would be forcing him. At this point I guess I am realizing words are only words, his actions show how he truly feels and it’s apparent that for whatever reason he doesn’t want to move our relationship forward. I am resentful about this and it reflects on my everyday life and he knows it and does nothing about it. This is a sad situation for me and unless he magically decided to step up I don’t think anything will change. I guess my only solution is to tell him how I feel again, but maybe unfiltered. It might just cause a fight or scare him away and if it does then I guess my decision will be made for me.
  7. I feel embarrassed to ask him to pay some bills, I feel like he should offer. I know you don’t know him but do you really think that makes him a terrible person lacking empathy? What if he just doesn’t have the money and is embarrassed to admit that? Don’t get me wrong I do agree with you on this, but not that he’s a terrible person for it. I appreciate your opinion on it, it is very helpful.h This is true, I felt this way before I discovered the porn history. Going there everyday twice a day was weird to me and he dismissed me the few times I tried to bring it up. My thinking is when we have children is he just going to wake up and leave me with them while he goes to his dads every morning and after work everyday? But that’s the thing I can’t force him to, and I’ve never demanded him to. The only things I’ve said are asking him to officially move in and telling him that I he can keep his work clothes here so he doesn’t have to go there in the morning to which he replied he will fall back asleep if he doesn’t get up and leave… I never questioned further because I didn’t want to offend or put pressure on him about it. I wanted to let him know how I feel and make his own decision about it. That’s how I am feeling, his actions are different than the words he tells me. He tells me he does want a life with me forever and to get married and have children. I’m struggling what to believe. Very true. That’s why I am here asking these questions. I am trying to figure out for myself if this is a major flaw or if it is a minor flaw I can live with. I guess it’s apparent these are major issues. Thank you for your opinion it really is appreciated ❤️
  8. It is true that I am pressing the gas while he is pressing the brakes, and I guess I’m trying to figure out why. It’s not like I’ve been making demands of these things our entire relationship, I’m just at the point now where i feel we need to either move forward or we need to start questioning what we are doing together if we are not moving forward. I can tell he is distancing himself, that’s why all of this is even happening. I’m not in denial of it, I’m trying to figure out why. You say it’s the pressure I am putting on him, but I don’t understand that. Do you mean because I talked to him last weekend about how I want to move forward and do these things with him? Again I’m not demanding, we aren’t arguing about any of this, I feel I have just been shy in our relationship when it comes to talking about how we feel because I am afraid to “scare him off”. We have only talked seriously about our relationship maybe 3 times in the past 2 years. I have been in my opinion patiently waiting and am running a little thin on it at this point. do you mean I should never talk with him about our relationship if I am feeling this way? I also don’t 100% think he has a full blown porn addiction, everyone has there own scale of opinion but that’s what my original question was on this post. I came here to ask if people think this is an addiction and if I should be worried? I’m not dead set that this is 100% the case with him. I’m also not bothered by it to an extreme degree, I am a reasonable person and would be willing to accept this behavior if I understood more. Just the initial discovery of this and all of these factors combined is just a real blow to my confidence in the relationship and in myself. I just want to clarify I’m not being an extreme and demanding person in this. I guess I type a lot of what I am feeling in my posts but not all of this has been discussed or said to one another and maybe that can be misunderstood. I appreciate your input ❤️
  9. I didn’t command anything, I simply voiced to him that to me discussing finances is something that we would do moving forward in our relationship. He said he isn’t ready for that yet and I said okay. We don’t argue, and I don’t make commands of him ever. This is not a toxic relationship, even thought the past few weeks I have let my insecurities overcome me and I am aware that my snooping is not a good trait. I do trust him and how he handles his money, we never discuss what we spend on anything with each other. I’m not sure why you would think he thinks I am controlling his every move, I’m trying to think of a reason or something that would indicate this but i have never demanded any of these things from him. When I explained to him I don’t need a big fancy ring because I don’t care about how much money you spend on it, that’s not what matters. To which he responded he knows that but he thinks I deserve something big and fancy and wants to be able to give that to me. This was a little hurtful, I’m curious what you mean by the way I am treating him? Because I am snooping in his phone you mean? Or what other things at I doing that are wrong? I’d like to correct them if I can understand
  10. This is a good point. I guess I am just now realizing that I’ve believed what he has been saying but not his actions. And I’m at the point where things should’ve happened by now if they were going to so that’s kind of why I came here is to figure out for myself if I can still see myself with him or not.
  11. I’ve thought this too, so that is why I have asked him on multiple occasion what he wants in this relationship and he tells me straight up that he wants to marry me and wants to have kids and a family life together. In our most recent talk that was the main topic, and I told him the things that would be moving forward in our relationship are things like, staying here in the morning/actually moving in, getting things in our names or together such as car insurance (we would even get a better price on the same plan but he said no to that twice), Changing his address, paying a portion of the bills and getting married. I told him I’ve expected these things to happen over the past year and now I’m at the point where I believe you don’t want to move forward in these ways. He claimed that he did want to move forward but that he was just apprehensive because this is the longest relationship he’s ever been in and is basically afraid to commit to all of those things because none of his relationships have ever lasted in the past and doesn’t want to get “screwed over”. Which is a bull*** excuse honestly. I asked him why haven’t you proposed yet then? If you’re so afraid you might lose me then why not ask me to marry you? He claims his reason is wanted to wait until after 2years of our relationship which is in august, and for financial reasons. My other concern I have about that is if you’re staying here not paying any bills how have you not saved up enough money for a cheap ring? I’m not a rich person and I don’t expect big fancy things. I’ve asked before what do you spend all your money on and never really get an answer. He also won’t really discuss finances with me. That is another things I said that moving forward as a couple we would need to do. I’m almost wondering if he is spending all his money on something like onlyfans. That would be the only explanation I could see. Do you think I should tell him that this is what I want in our relationship and if we don’t do these things then we shouldn’t be together? If he does want to do all these things I mention you think I should just be okay with him watching porn all the time even when it makes me feel so terrible about myself?
  12. I understand that, and also I get that “traditionally” or for religious reasons people think the way is to get married, then move in together. My mom always taught me that don’t truly know a significant other until you live with them and has always said to live with someone before you marry them. So far life has also taught me that is so true. Living together makes it hard to hide parts of yourself that you otherwise could if you lived apart. From the little things like eating munchies in bed to the big things (in this case the - in my opinion - obsessive porn watching). I think to myself that if we changed our morning habits then he would break his habit of watching porn. Realistically it’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. But now that’s my hope I guess.
  13. I want him to move in because I want to move forward in our relationship, get married, and start having children. We even talk about it and he says it’s what he wants too, but it doesn’t seem like we are moving forward in any way. And now this happened 😔
  14. Do you mean why do I want him to move in even after finding all of this out?
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