reinventmyself

It's never easy, but you'll get better at it with practice. Look at it this way. Wouldn't you rather have someone tell you in respectful way rather than giving you mixed messages, fading or not responding at all? It's never fun to be told 'I'm not into you that way" But it is a part of dating. Good for you. . .carry on!

Things are on pause for S's parents. He spent almost 2 wks with them and in his presence, they pretty much behaved themselves. Assuming that his dad figured she wouldn't be having sex with the neighbor while is son was visiting and at the same time dad resisting acting out with his son there as well. Not to say there weren't indications that it would all stir up again. Dad kept referring to the neighbor and admitting to S he was practicing some self control. Who knows what will happen without their son there keeping an eye on them. He's called the last couple mornings to check in and his mom either can't talk with her husband sitting next to her at all times and at the same maybe just saying everything is ok because she's aware of the consequences if it all flares back up again. So, for now it's a waiting game. For reasons unknown and it seems like some sort ot divine intervention, but the owner of the home S rents announces she taking off the market. Such a profound relief for S and given all that's going on. At least he doesn't have to worry about that. It's super subtle but in the past few weeks I feel the shift. I was trying to be patient with myself but all in all leaving my job felt very similar to leaving a toxic marriage (and I've done both) All the fall out of emotions, adjusting to no longer working and trying to enjoy retirement. What's helped is having a schedule, whatever that might be. The free fall of nothing planned was so hard to adjust to. It gave me intense anxiety and having come off of covid the journey hasn't been a straight line. But I've settled into a routine, where I have commitments 3 days a week, I see S 3 days a week and manage to fit in outings with a friend or two once or twice a week. I've gone from rambling around feeling isolated for days on end, to now trying to find times to fit things in. I stopped looking at the budgeting software my financial planner gave me. I was logging on everyday reviewing things and making adjustments. At some point I was pretty busy and likely out of town to start with and didn't have time to review it. I noticed my anxiety was a great deal less and haven't logged on since. I've always been good with my finances. Dissecting it to that degree didn't serve me well.

Yes. I'd be more concerned if you didn't have some doubts at times.

Certainly not second nature for me. I am always catching myself, while in a conversation to resist thinking of what I will say while someone is telling me something. When you're but reciting your rebuttal in your head you aren't reeeeallly listening. Again, I'm not good at it. But I am aware. I'll catch myself and I try. Depending on its importance, I know not to respond to something that might otherwise require me to give a thoughtful response. I may ask for some time to think about it and respond later. The first thing out my mouth isn't always the best response. I have anxiety so ruminating, and forecasting is a pretty normal state for me. I have to catch myself remind myself to live in the moment. Hard stopping the hamster wheel train of thoughts and quietly focus on everything around me. The sounds, colors, smells and feelings. In tense moments, I'll catch myself and recite out loud everything I am grateful for. It all helps. It grounds me and calms me down. It's never that easy, but it is worth practicing.

No. I did it. Miserable. I was young, working in a restaurant and there was a good dozen of us friends at work and outside of work. Dated a boy, he was a night manager, and I was lead. I had the authority to let staff go when it slowed down and close certain areas. He went behind me and countered all decisions behind my back. The staff/friends caught in the middle and upset. I ultimately had to go to the general mgr and though he stopped doing it, the tension was worse. We all continued to socialize together but regretfully the tension between the two of us often affected everyone else. I learned this lesson young. Never again.

It's very possible he's indeed just lonely and seeking your friendship. However, the offer relating to your personal family matters feels inappropriate and even though he came back and did a little damage control, I'd be concerned about what type of boundaries issues this friendship might bring. It's up to you whether you want to continue and see what happens. His hunger for friendship feels like it might cause him to be a little too intense about it.

If you are committed to stay in the marriage, no matter what, how is the information learned from the call records going to help? Noone is questioning that there was in incident that you are now aware of. No one is questioning whether or not your trust has been challenged and your foundation shaken. But if the goal is to build back from here, what effect do you think the call records, if indeed there is some activity there, going to have on your marriage? It may be one of those "be careful what you wish for" moments. If this all happened 6 months ago, that would be an entirely different story. But given the timeline and how you just accounted for how much you two have grown and now are entirely different people, I personally don't get the point. But, it's not my life and it's easy for me to say, not being in your position. Let's say there is a lot of activity. Are you still committed to stay? I don't know, but if I had the resolution to do so, and my goal was to move fwd in good faith, I'd take all this to marriage counseling and forgo opening the envelope.

Don't worry about what others think. Your plan for the interim apartment is smart. Be confident in your plan and let others know you won't listen to pressure. Period.

It's almost impossible to understand the magnitude of what he stands to lose by engaging you in this way. His life, family, his wife, his relationship with his children, his social circle, his home and his career. One wrong move and his life is shattered. It turns the light back on you and what exactly is in this for you? Have you thought this through? And what is it in your character that makes all this ok? Don't you believe you deserve better?

Car here too. Toyota Corola. Awkward fumbling. I was 18. I had a boyfriend my junior/senior year of high school and we never had sex. Well, we never had intercourse. We grew up and I grew out of the relationship. Still naive and dating and I realized that these new guys wanted sex! I kept thinking, I never had sex with my boyfriend of two years, why would I do that with these guys? After almost a year apart I contacted the high school sweet-heart and we dated, regretfully for another 6 months. I lost my virginity to him for all the wrong reasons. But whatever, that's the way it worked out. Neither of us having any clue what we were doing. Junior high we had that one day sex ed class. Menstruation was always referred to as your "flow". When I came home from school that day, my mother asked me if I had any questions. No, I said and went about my homework. I didn't start my period until I was 14, a freshman in high school. Most of my friends had their period for a year or two already. Not sure how it came about but no one at any time mentioned the word blood. Imagine my shock at 14 when it happened. How did I not get the memo?

If you are serious about leaving, consider going to your Dr and going out on a stress leave - now. It will buy you some time, they can't fire you, gives you a break and it screws with them a bit. In the meantime, get some advice from an employment practices attorney. The company I worked for I witnessed this a few times. Eye opening how people knew their right and how to work the system. Not sure if its applicable in your country, but I would look into it. I witnessed staff going out on a temporary stress leave, manage to extend it, sue the company and never return. I considered it at the end of my career, but I was pretty spent already and not up to a fight.

I missed where you lost your kitty. I'm so sorry. I used to fantasize about buying one of those loft apts in your area. I do love the energy there. But you make a good point. And post covid/economy it just seems to have gotten worse.

Do you do all or most of the initiating? I would step back and give him the space to meet you half way. If his effort proves to be lukewarm, or nonexistent you'll have your answer.

I agree with a CPA to help straighten things out. But you would likely benefit from a financial counselor to help you come up with a plan going forward. Money attitudes are a matrix that runs deep. Sometimes a counselor is a good idea to help reshape your relationship with money.

I think it's normal when you lose someone like this, your mind immediately races trying to figure out how to make the bad feelings stop. There is nothing to do other than to give this time to sink in a settle down. I am sorry this happened. It's said the ending so soon can be more painful. You are still on that honeymoon high and it's a long way to fall.

Welcome to dating a parent. Although for possibly the wrong reasons, Mom has every right to not want to expose her child to Dad's girlfriend(s). I get a year is a pretty solid amount of time. But combined with her inability to fully move on, this not uncommon in these situations. I am not condoning it but it comes with dating a Dad. 3 kids total, it likely won't be cakewalk and you'll probably find yourself in the middle of more drama sooner than later. Trying to control the situation and arguing with Dad will be futile. You can certainly share with him how you feel, but the rest is up to him and the mom to manage. I'm a divorced mom of two. Had the girlfriend(s) tried to interfere, it just made things worse. Step back, let them figure it out and you get to decide if you want to ultimately be a part of it.

OK, you win. What exactly can we do for you now?

Yes, we get blitzed with multiple interests. But I promise you that it's rare that any of them come through. I mean, really?! What would be the purpose of lying about this? Again, a woman's real life experience. Not just conjecture.

I've told this story here so many times. I wish I could go back and cut 'n paste. In my 20s, working in an upscale restaurant. I worked with maybe 3 dozen good looking young people. One day they hired a new male server. Balding in his 20's, white pasty skin, rather effeminate, rounded shoulders, skinny. By all intents and purposes, he was not a physically attractive man. It was an early life lesson I haven't forgotten. After a very short time, his personality shown through. He was smart, a fiery sense of humor, outgoing and confident. It didn't much time before my female coworkers, even the most attractive were clamoring for his attention. It was pretty interesting to me, at that age, watching all this unfold. I obviously haven't forgotten it and as a mature woman I witness this all the time. Why? Because people have many dimensions to them. Physical looks are just a small part. Develop your social skills, your intelligence, your compassion and empathy for others. Become well rounded by cultivating friendships, gain some hobbies. Or. . continue to beat a drum that you will never have a chance. Which ultimately is a sad self-fulfilled prophecy. It's your choice.

it always baffles me when some men think they are on authority on a womans dating experiences. They state their opinion as if it is a fact. In spite of women telling them otherwise. I suppose if you keep telling yourself this it supports your case. But it you really want to know what it's like for women, ask them.

He's only contacting you because you allow it. Be firm on your stance. Wish him luck. And tell him to get in touch with you if anything changes but until then you will not have any further contact with him. The downside if he was to want you now is not out of love, but more so out of duress. Things that don't start well don't end well.

This I agree with. I am very sensitive the vibes someone gives off. It takes only minutes of merely standing next to you. No doubt I would pick up on your bitterness and negativity, which yes, I would find it unattractive. So, you can't change the deformity you speak of. But that is only a small part of you. You can work on and change the rest. Especially the lens in which you view things.

When you get the call records, is this the last of your forensic research? I get the blow you must feel. You can't help but go down that dark path and wonder if everything is a lie. But if your goal is stay in your marriage and move forward, what are you going to do with all this information and when does it stop? Don't get me wrong. You are entitled to your moment and all the feelings that surround it. I'd suggest you two work with a family therapist to help facilitate this and sort it out.

Is it possible they are just trying to make you quit, rather than letting you go? I've seen it happen at my old job. More than once.

I was glad to read at the end, though this being your field you didn't understand what they meant. Reading it myself. . .I am thinking "word salad?" Nevertheless. . .it's never a good feeling to be turned down. Head high. . one foot in front of the other!