reinventmyself

There's a reason behind the common joke, or no joking - about women if they fake an orgasm. (Harry met Sally) It's because we know that our partner is unnecessarily inclined to feel like a failure for something we may not have control over everytime. To me, or for a lot of women intimacy isn't all about the big O. It's about that safe space with our partner when we feel very physically and emotionally connected. What struck me about the moment she shared that she became dry midway and just wanted him to finish, it was was a perfect opportunity for him to say "I am so glad you shared that with me! I want to know these things Babe. we're in this together. next time let me know when that's happening". There's a simple remedy for that. Instead he chose not to discuss it further and further validate his reason for a divorce. Repeatedly throughout this thread he mentions how he chooses not to pursue the conversation when there is an opportunity. I would be humiliated if my husband was here discussing some things so personal with internet strangers before he respectfully thought to tell me how he was feeling first Yet she's the one with the communication problem? Therapy is way cheaper than divorce. You'll thank yourself if you forensically explore every angle so you don't look back with regrets.

Then go ahead, pull the trigger and do what you need to do instead of waiting for unanimous support here. . or on Reddit What's interesting in this thread, the two men who contributed attempted to challenge or caution your way of thinking. Interesting, no? 🤔 That being said. . I'm out because I sense you aren't being transparent about what's going on.

I think you may have missed the point. My marriage was abusive and dysfunctional the lack of sex was it clear symptom of a larger problem. You on the other hand have a good marriage and relationship. There's a good chance your wife can end up being a little more of a freak in the bedroom with a more compassionate and understanding partner. Something to think about.

all this giving me some thought. Married 18 yrs, together 20. The last 2 yrs sex was non existent. I doubted myself that I might be asexual at times, but in reality the lack of sex was a barometer of our dysfunctional marriage. Divorced and fast fwd I've had a couple relationships since then and I learned a few things. One, I am not asexual! Different partners bring out very different things in you. And for the most part feeling safe and secure in a relationship makes all the difference when it comes to climaxing. What I read in this thread is this isn't her problem. . but both of theirs. The punishment just doesn't fit the crime.

. . and when I see you've taken this to reddit as well. . It smacks of campaigning. If you feel a strong conviction about your grievances, you don't need to be debating this with strangers , least not to this extent. I suspect you already know you either aren't on the right track or there is something else going on. Just my hunch. .

She did communicate something with you. The door for communication was open. You made an assumption and then you chose to not communicate further. I can't help but wonder if she feels safe having these conversations with you. After all you've described your seething bitterness about this, so much so you are considering contacting an attorney. I can't believe she doesn't pick up on this. Imagine if you felt pressured to perform, especially when climaxing has been elusive for her. I'll take a chance and guess you'd have trouble climaxing if you felt this amount of pressure in the bedroom. Aging isn't for sissy's. 10 years from now it's more than likely you may have your own performance issues. Imagine if your wife was silently seething and considering leaving you over it, rather than being a compassionate partner. You have an affectionate wife who enjoys sex, a good marriage but you are willing to walk away over something that she may very well not have control over. Let's add to that the future inevitable health issues couples face and pull together to support each other through. Do you just walk away from that too? You can trade her in and find a new one, but the next relationship with have a challenge. All relationships do. Imagine the surprise when you realize you traded in one challenge for a different challenge. This just happens to be your challenge. I get your disappointment. But the degree to which you are seething over this doesn't seem to match up. This just feel more about something going on with you, than it does her. What that is, I don't know. From your own description you have a fabulous foundation to work with. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't appear you've done everything possible to resolve or understand this. Just because it's hard for her to talk about it doesn't mean it's impossible. By your own description you give up and don't try. Could it be your approach and your attitude about it? Your words in which you share your situation makes me uncomfortable. Intimacy is created by having difficult conversations in a safe place and feeling heard. I am going with my gut here. But it just feels like you are campaigning to leave. My heart goes out to her. You don't need our permission.

You two need to sit down and renegotiate the household chores. If what you are doing isn't working, then do something different. You can approach this in a way that doesn't insult her cooking. You can share that you understand that your palate is different it's not your intention to make her feel bad. Divy up the chores where she does some of the housework and you can cook at times. Approach this with a good will attitude and looking for a solution for the repeated conflict over this. You may even suggest that at times you both choose meals of your own liking. Just because you live together doesn't always mean you have to mirror each other 100% of the time.

We don't get to pick our parents. As a result many are just human, some flawed. It's common for aging mothers to become jealous of their daughters youth. It's the little girl in us that is always a part of us that is conditioned to seek parents approval. But now as young woman, you need to resist that urge knowing your mother isn't likely going to give you that encouragement you are seeking. It's disappointing, for sure. But accept who she is and learn to be your own cheerleader and instead call a good friend who will support you. I'm sorry. Just know you aren't alone. It's pretty common.

Google this. It is normal for a certain percentage to not orgasm. You need to try to not make this about you and a failure on your part. It's entirely not fair to either of you. From what you describe everything is otherwise fine. Though she's not very adventurous in the bedroom, I'll assume she was this way when you decided to marry her. Is it fair to hold that against her 20 years later? "I feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed" Unnecessary grief you put on yourself for something that is consider normal for some. Educate yourself. You may feel better about it.

I am so sorry. I wouldn't bring your new guy to meet the parents. Dad is unpredictable and inappropriate. At the same time, I would consider telling them why they won't have the privilege of meeting your new guy. Their concerns might be in the right place, though very much extreme and questionable in their reasoning. But you're a grown woman and you can set some boundaries and tell them how these crude and intrusive comments about your personal life make you feel and why you wouldn't want to expose your guy to this. At some point one would hope they realize they are missing out on being a part of their daughter's life and might reconsider how they speak to you. It's a long shot, but nevertheless it's about time you set boundaries and tell them how you feel no matter the outcome.

If the tables were turned and your bf had an ongoing relationship behind your back, would you want to know? Others know about this. Would you rather him hear it the truth from them . .or from you?

Often times the thing you are arguing about isn't really the root of what's troubling you. Had you both been better connected and in a good place, the issue with the food would appear silly. If you were to dig deeper, would there be something else that is causing the tension that shows itself in this way? I dated someone who leaned towards using insulting words to express what he was feeling. It was a deal breaker. I warned him a few times that he was entitled to how he felt but if he couldn't express it in a mature, respectful way, the relationship would be over. Ultimately, he could resist, and I left.

These times it's very politically incorrect to challenge any woman who had sex with someone when there is any question of consent. It seems you are trying to use this angle to your advantage. Please don't forget that overusing this hurts the credibility of those victims who have legitimate claims. Just because you chose to drink during the times you had sex with Brad, everything that transpired before, after and leading up to doesn't appear you were taken advantage of or raped. There were plenty of times you shared here that you were very conscious of your ongoing choices and the consequences of your actions. Yet you continued, repeatedly. The only thing that would be in your favor is if you were minor or didn't have the maturity to understand what was happening to you.

I used to (and still have) that intense fight or flight response to alot of things. I went through a good deal of therapy. You likely already know this, but the way to other side is desensitization. I originally started practicing staying put while in my failing marriage. Intense conflicts from my then husband, I always bolted from the room. He knew this, counted on it and it worked for him. I can remember sitting in a chair several times gripping the arms so as not to move. The pull to run was almost too difficult to resist. And initially I was not successful. Staying in the moment was painful and anxiety provoking. But I did it and I still do it on occasion. At some point I realized I didn't perish and in turn I have more confidence in those moments. I am never really past that part of me. But I recognize it for what it is and practice staying in the moment all the time to one degree or another. I am a different person today.

I see both sides. Having had panic attacks, it's brutal. It's also almost impossible to describe what it's like to someone who's never had one. Even the most understanding can't fully empathize with something that's so difficult to understand to begin with. At the same time I can imagine the weight of responsibility this places on him. Not being able to do something so benign (for him) as speaking to a stranger, only to have you run away must feel helpless at times. He is being asked to change his world to make yours feel safe. And, he isn't always going to get it right. As much as you need a supportive sensitive partner, you also need to practice some patience in return when they aren't always on point - in the exact moment - in the exact way you need it. Clearly, if he's not supportive about this, then he's not the guy for you. But if he merely didn't handle this one occasion well, then you need to be understanding. This just doesn't effect you. It effects both of you. You'd better serve the relationship by exhibiting some of the understanding you hope for in return. As far as mental health not be easy to find. . You didn't say it was impossible. The weight of responsibility is on you to work towards getting a handle on this. Expecting him to manage it isn't always fair.

There seems to be a fine line between someone taking advantage of someone while intoxicated and having a pattern of ongoing flirting, going to their home, confessing your feelings and repeatedly having sex with someone while you happen to be drunk. From the way you describe all this, it appears to be very much consensual. I suppose if you can call it rape or see it as being taken advantage of so it lessons your responsibility. You're hoping your boyfriend will see you as a victim therefore be more understanding? I hope your weigh the consequences of this version of your story because if carried out, Brad could end up prosecuted. And for what? So you can find a convenient way out of the mess you created? If proven wrong, then it all comes back to bite you.

I am going a different direction with this. Having ended relationships before it's not just black and white. Though I knew, for whatever reason that it was best to part ways, it didn't mean I didn't care about them to different degrees. There is that period of detachment for both sides. Though the person who ended it has been processing it long before making that final act on ending it. It's still a loss for them to certain degree. I second guessed myself, I missed the companionship and the good parts, I reminisced. If I did reach out it wasn't to flatter myself. There were times I grieved the ending of my choice. But now fast fwd and a little more mature, the kindest thing I can do if I were to decide to sever a relationship is to leave that person alone. I made my choice. I have to stand behind it in every way possible. Even when it's difficult. .

Are you dating my boyfriend? Lol. 5 dates and I called him to cancel the 6th. Mostly due to a scheduling conflict. But while I was at it, I told him that I didn't feel any momentum and it appeared we were stuck in a friendzone. He was driving at the time and asked to call me back while he needed to pull over and call me to talk more specifically. Ultimately, he had made some choices in women that he regretted, didn't really trust himself and he was in actuality so interested in more with me, it made him very nervous. We rescheduled the 6th date and the rest is history. Not to say you should do this to force his hand. I was honestly moving on at time that my life was really hectic. I didn't have anytime for someone who might only be looking for another friend. Unless this is costing you anything, you have nothing to lose by giving this more time. If you like him, give him a clue. Sometimes it's hard to read each other and you don't know what to do.

I have to believe she is this way in other areas of her life. It might stand to reason that people will take that into consideration when she complains about how unfair you are. Besides, who cares what others think. She clearly doesn't care what you think. I am a MIL and I know my place. It doesn't matter the relationship, showing up unannounced, taking over, disregarding direct requests in someone elses home is rude in any situation. Get control over this now. I know you've spoken up, but you need to do it in a way she is able to hear. It will likely get more difficult before it gets better. My guess is she dearly wants a relationship with her granddaughter. If she wants to see her, it's on your terms. Period. Though I support you being firm and speaking up, your husband needs to be equally involved.

You focus on his good qualities. Even Jeffery Dahmer had good qualities. This man is showing you exactly who is and you need to pay attention to that rather than sticking around and hoping he'll magically turn into someone else entirely. Do not wait for someone to change when what you have in front of you is exactly who he is. He's loving? You need to sit and think about the definition of that. His reaching out to other women, taking advantage of financial assistance from you (so early on) not interested in fulfilling your needs, going out alone without you and basically treating you like a friend and not a lover. For that matter, my friends don't lie to me. This isn't loving. It seems you provide him things he needs and he's not interested in reciprocating. Love isn't merely words, it's the actions they exhibit. His actions seem anything but loving. I can assume what brought you is you don't feel loved. Correct? Believe you deserve better. Learn that it's ok to love someone and at the same time recognize that you aren't mean to be together.

reconsidered my response after reviewing time line.:)

Some of the most valuable lessons are unfortunately the most difficult. Can't help but wonder if things were different, you mother's illness, her passing, furloughed, covid, etc if you would have let her into your life to the degree you did. You were super vulnerable and no doubt her companionship seemed comforting, or at the least the idea of it. I am sorry you went through this and my condolences for the loss of your mother.

unwanted romantic attention is considered sexual harassment. As a manager in CA, by law we had to go through sexual harassment training every other year. No more emails. Emails and texts lose their tone and the intent can be misconstrued. Speak with her personally and apologize. Or take the temperature of the situation and leave it alone. Things written in print can be used against you.

My boyfriend is an only child and yes, it took some time to get used to the amount of contact he has with his son and his parents. . .In comparison to mine. It feels unnatural in one way, and on the other hand I wish I was that close to my family. Never the less, he has a healthy balance and the ability to compromise and doesn't ever disregard me for the sake of his family the way your guy does.

Guilty of doing this, after all people aren't all bad. In a relationship we develop and emotional and psychical attachment to them. It takes a period of time to detach. Consider it normal and not confuse it that is some sign that he was "the one" What helped me was to right down all the negative and forensic accounting of why the relationship failed to begin with. When I catch myself putting blinders on and romanticizing it, I get out my list and reread it.