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bbogdanov

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  1. It's my turn to have a vacation with her after the ex gets to have one first
  2. Your last sentence sounds good Thanks! She is coming back this evening and I am meeting her upon arrival. We'll have some time together and she will leave for the vacation on Sunday. Let's hope everything goes well and when she returns, we are having our own vacation.
  3. So you suggest the second option from my post above? I don't want to rush things and I think I can ignore this thing for now and concentrate on the positive experience of dating her and see when this goes.
  4. What I wrote was what would be my upper tolerance limit IF I found some room for flexibility and changing my views. There are two ways to find out: - dedicating some alone time for self-reflection and reasoning with myself, imagining the hypothetical situation and predicting how I would feel; the con here is that feelings are not logical but if one manages to change the perception, feeling might change too, I guess? And even if I change my attitude, I can only be certain if I experience the event (it may be just wishful thinking of mine). Until then, nothing's guaranteed... - ignoring everything (burying my head in the sand) and waiting for such event to see how I would feel; the negative thing here is the possibility of everything falling to pieces and the wasted time. To me (at this moment) - no contact from an ex is acceptable.
  5. The biggest compromise to me would be to accept an eventual random contact from an ex which must not become a habit.
  6. That’s why I said that I will need some time to think about it and to see if there’s some room for flexibility. It’s not acceptable for me but at least I can dig deeper and reason with myself. And I didn’t really understand what her stance was after all - that conversation didn’t clear things up…
  7. You have summarized your opinion and experience very well! I really don’t want her to twist herself to accomodate my standards. That’s why I was seriously considering ending things a month ago but it turned out she herself was willing to cease contact with the ex because she said that she thought it wasn’t appropriate. So I relaxed because it seemed that we were on the same page. But then this different interpretation (severity of my standards) came up…
  8. Going on holidays is a custom of their friends group (which he is part of) although this group consists of his friends only. She joined the group when she met him...
  9. She is a colleague of that particular ex (that's where they met) but they are in different departments and are usually not having contact related to work (only occasionally). She told me that recently she's even only exchanging emails with him (when needed) and is acting strictly profesionally.
  10. I don't want to generalize and to sound sexist but like I said in some of my previous posts - I know (as a man) that we may often have hidden motives behind an "innocent" reaching out. So I tend to agree with you on the possibility of that happening. Of course she is responsible for rejecting any advances and while I trust her that she won't slip up, it's better not having to do it in the first place...
  11. BTW I found a topic about exes somewhere online and I can relate to some of the opinions there (however extreme some of them might be). It's not necessarily connected to this situation. https://easyupload.io/9xfip7
  12. It's best to not make any generalizations like some of you here said (no matter the experience) but we all make them after all. I don't know what you mean by handling the outcome because I guess almost everybody has the ability to do it. I've handled many bad situations (no matter how easy or hard it was) but that doesn't mean that I am open to wasting my time for another potential one just to see if the experience will be good or bad. But that's not even the main reason! I might fear eventual negative consequences but I am more bothered by the principle of having exes as friends. It's not acceptable for me and I find it strange and inappropriate, incomprehensible. It's a tenet of mine and I guess it can be compared to something like the different views on politics (some are more liberal, some are more conservative...), every coin has two sides. You are right about the title and my insecurity. But that insecurity was more in connection with her texting style, my internal struggles and so on. While keeping in touch with exes might make me a little bit insecure, it's not as much of an insecurity issue for me as it is a compatibility or a value one.
  13. My actions are defined by what I feel comfortable with so my goal is not a control over her. It's up to me to decide what to do after our last conversation when it turned out that words didn't mean what they meant and they were open to interpretation. Reasonably stable people with reasonable mental health are not supposed to twist words how they suit them. Or at least if there's some ambiguity - one can always dig deeper by asking further questions and clearing things up. Here I can be guilty too. I will know from now on that I have to specifically ask somebody if he/she's completely understood what I mean so that there isn't misundestanding and room for inappropriate interpretations. I don't have "ignorance is bliss" cliche theory, where did you get that from?? I only said that you can't make generalizations because of some positive experience which reinforces your views. It's a classical confirmation bias. And if she doesn't share my views - it's an incompatibilty issue, not mine or hers. If she's scared to go on vacation because of the possibility that I would be upset (although I told her many times to not worry about it) - it's totally up to her. Other people's feelings are not my responsibility. Like my feelings are my reponsibility. If I am not comfortable with somebody's way of dealing with things - I am free to leave. My insecurities have got nothing to do with keeping contact with exes. It's a matter of principle. I have no problem with her texting men who are friends, colleagues, etc. Going out with them would also not bother me. It's her responsibility to behave appropriately and not cross the line. But exes are exes. Last time I saw an ex contact a girl, he started politely and innocently and the next thing you know they were sexting. Not exactly an awesome career opportunity. I've got to work on my issues, it's out of question. Selfishly subjecting others to my stance is not one of them, I think. And I am not sure it has its roots in insecurities. I don't understand why you are saying it like it's the gospel? I didn't say that I was distrustful or suspicious, where do you keep getting these things from? I have openly told her that I am not OK with keeping contact with exes. I am openly sharing what my point of view is and I don't hide anything. I couldn't be more overt. And your labelling of me being possessive is not something I am fine with. It seems rude and condescending and I don't see what it is based upon. I am not checking her phone, I am not asking questions who she is texting or going out with, I am not manipulating her, etc. I am stating my point of view as to what is acceptable and what's not. If she agrees with it and makes a compromise - great! If not - I am free to make a compromise myself or find somebody else. After all - when two people are in a relationship there's a complex dynamic and you can't always have 50/50 power share. Sometimes one person gives in (no matter what the cause is), relationships are not zero-sum equations in the real world. Just my two cents. I still appreciate your input (as well as others'), though, as usual. So feel free to add wisdom whenever you have something to say.
  14. I mentioned that I needed some time because I wanted to be in a more clear state of mind and to have some rational perspective. And I don't want to act hastily and emotionally. My feelings of discomfort are valid, of course, but I want to explore if there's a room for being more flexible. I can't say if I see a future with this person - it's too early and I am just enjoying the moments together. I think it's got nothing to do with those relationship issues. Even if everything was perfect, I wouldn't be carried away so easily.
  15. What do you mean by push and pull? She does turn me on, we have great chemistry so at least some aspect of this relationship is fine
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