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bbogdanov

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Everything posted by bbogdanov

  1. It's my turn to have a vacation with her after the ex gets to have one first
  2. Your last sentence sounds good Thanks! She is coming back this evening and I am meeting her upon arrival. We'll have some time together and she will leave for the vacation on Sunday. Let's hope everything goes well and when she returns, we are having our own vacation.
  3. So you suggest the second option from my post above? I don't want to rush things and I think I can ignore this thing for now and concentrate on the positive experience of dating her and see when this goes.
  4. What I wrote was what would be my upper tolerance limit IF I found some room for flexibility and changing my views. There are two ways to find out: - dedicating some alone time for self-reflection and reasoning with myself, imagining the hypothetical situation and predicting how I would feel; the con here is that feelings are not logical but if one manages to change the perception, feeling might change too, I guess? And even if I change my attitude, I can only be certain if I experience the event (it may be just wishful thinking of mine). Until then, nothing's guaranteed... - ignoring everything (burying my head in the sand) and waiting for such event to see how I would feel; the negative thing here is the possibility of everything falling to pieces and the wasted time. To me (at this moment) - no contact from an ex is acceptable.
  5. The biggest compromise to me would be to accept an eventual random contact from an ex which must not become a habit.
  6. That’s why I said that I will need some time to think about it and to see if there’s some room for flexibility. It’s not acceptable for me but at least I can dig deeper and reason with myself. And I didn’t really understand what her stance was after all - that conversation didn’t clear things up…
  7. You have summarized your opinion and experience very well! I really don’t want her to twist herself to accomodate my standards. That’s why I was seriously considering ending things a month ago but it turned out she herself was willing to cease contact with the ex because she said that she thought it wasn’t appropriate. So I relaxed because it seemed that we were on the same page. But then this different interpretation (severity of my standards) came up…
  8. Going on holidays is a custom of their friends group (which he is part of) although this group consists of his friends only. She joined the group when she met him...
  9. She is a colleague of that particular ex (that's where they met) but they are in different departments and are usually not having contact related to work (only occasionally). She told me that recently she's even only exchanging emails with him (when needed) and is acting strictly profesionally.
  10. I don't want to generalize and to sound sexist but like I said in some of my previous posts - I know (as a man) that we may often have hidden motives behind an "innocent" reaching out. So I tend to agree with you on the possibility of that happening. Of course she is responsible for rejecting any advances and while I trust her that she won't slip up, it's better not having to do it in the first place...
  11. BTW I found a topic about exes somewhere online and I can relate to some of the opinions there (however extreme some of them might be). It's not necessarily connected to this situation. https://easyupload.io/9xfip7
  12. It's best to not make any generalizations like some of you here said (no matter the experience) but we all make them after all. I don't know what you mean by handling the outcome because I guess almost everybody has the ability to do it. I've handled many bad situations (no matter how easy or hard it was) but that doesn't mean that I am open to wasting my time for another potential one just to see if the experience will be good or bad. But that's not even the main reason! I might fear eventual negative consequences but I am more bothered by the principle of having exes as friends. It's not acceptable for me and I find it strange and inappropriate, incomprehensible. It's a tenet of mine and I guess it can be compared to something like the different views on politics (some are more liberal, some are more conservative...), every coin has two sides. You are right about the title and my insecurity. But that insecurity was more in connection with her texting style, my internal struggles and so on. While keeping in touch with exes might make me a little bit insecure, it's not as much of an insecurity issue for me as it is a compatibility or a value one.
  13. My actions are defined by what I feel comfortable with so my goal is not a control over her. It's up to me to decide what to do after our last conversation when it turned out that words didn't mean what they meant and they were open to interpretation. Reasonably stable people with reasonable mental health are not supposed to twist words how they suit them. Or at least if there's some ambiguity - one can always dig deeper by asking further questions and clearing things up. Here I can be guilty too. I will know from now on that I have to specifically ask somebody if he/she's completely understood what I mean so that there isn't misundestanding and room for inappropriate interpretations. I don't have "ignorance is bliss" cliche theory, where did you get that from?? I only said that you can't make generalizations because of some positive experience which reinforces your views. It's a classical confirmation bias. And if she doesn't share my views - it's an incompatibilty issue, not mine or hers. If she's scared to go on vacation because of the possibility that I would be upset (although I told her many times to not worry about it) - it's totally up to her. Other people's feelings are not my responsibility. Like my feelings are my reponsibility. If I am not comfortable with somebody's way of dealing with things - I am free to leave. My insecurities have got nothing to do with keeping contact with exes. It's a matter of principle. I have no problem with her texting men who are friends, colleagues, etc. Going out with them would also not bother me. It's her responsibility to behave appropriately and not cross the line. But exes are exes. Last time I saw an ex contact a girl, he started politely and innocently and the next thing you know they were sexting. Not exactly an awesome career opportunity. I've got to work on my issues, it's out of question. Selfishly subjecting others to my stance is not one of them, I think. And I am not sure it has its roots in insecurities. I don't understand why you are saying it like it's the gospel? I didn't say that I was distrustful or suspicious, where do you keep getting these things from? I have openly told her that I am not OK with keeping contact with exes. I am openly sharing what my point of view is and I don't hide anything. I couldn't be more overt. And your labelling of me being possessive is not something I am fine with. It seems rude and condescending and I don't see what it is based upon. I am not checking her phone, I am not asking questions who she is texting or going out with, I am not manipulating her, etc. I am stating my point of view as to what is acceptable and what's not. If she agrees with it and makes a compromise - great! If not - I am free to make a compromise myself or find somebody else. After all - when two people are in a relationship there's a complex dynamic and you can't always have 50/50 power share. Sometimes one person gives in (no matter what the cause is), relationships are not zero-sum equations in the real world. Just my two cents. I still appreciate your input (as well as others'), though, as usual. So feel free to add wisdom whenever you have something to say.
  14. I mentioned that I needed some time because I wanted to be in a more clear state of mind and to have some rational perspective. And I don't want to act hastily and emotionally. My feelings of discomfort are valid, of course, but I want to explore if there's a room for being more flexible. I can't say if I see a future with this person - it's too early and I am just enjoying the moments together. I think it's got nothing to do with those relationship issues. Even if everything was perfect, I wouldn't be carried away so easily.
  15. What do you mean by push and pull? She does turn me on, we have great chemistry so at least some aspect of this relationship is fine
  16. I trusted her in the beginning because I don’t usually start dating being suspicious, I may be even naive most of the times. But that event made me step back and think about it. I trust her now, though. What do you mean by “analyze her relationship with this person”? I disagree with the theory of missing something by cutting people off your life. But it’s just my opinion. Does “getting in my own way” mean that I am placing obstacles to my success?
  17. I care that I have enough connections and they are the most important ones to me. I don’t need others, especially exes. So I still disagree with you about missing some hypothetical benefits. And for the three years after her breakup, it seems that she didn’t benefit anything being friends with him. I treated her with respect and like someone I trusted. UNTIL she got a late evening call, left me to talk for a while, lied who was it and finally accused me of being distrustful in order to shift the blame and gloss it over. You seem to explain how the vacation will be but I don’t think it is so big of a possibility. It can be any other way.
  18. Of course it’s not written contract but since when “no contact” has an extent to which it can be interpreted? It seems that I have to explain every single word/sentence in detail lest it be perceived as something different then or I can have a dictionary in my pocket… I was no less shocked when I learned that she was friend with her ex. It’s all about perception, I guess. And I don’t fear her hypothetical change in attitude after she removes the rose coloured glasses. I won’t oblige her to do anything. By the same token, my best friend can say to me “what?? She insists on keeping contact with her exes because she is too polite and can’t have strong boundaries? Are you really OK with that?”. I appreciate all the opinions here but I can’t accept that my stance is something extraordinary and out of this world. I strongly believe in it and I don’t need therapy for that. And I don’t make any comments or accusations, in fact she accused me in the beginning that I didn’t trust her and some of you said that it was not a normal reaction…
  19. There isn't anything to be thought of - words are self-explanatory. Keeping contact with a person means literally that, it doesn't depend on frequency, quality or whatever. When a person wants to twist words, he/she tends to twist them in the way that is suitable. My rigid approach is totally fine and logical.
  20. You are focusing on the "requiring" part but that doesn't change the fact that you had no way of knowing you would miss something good (in that case a female friend) because you are using your current knowledge and the successful outcome. The hypothetical possibility for a friendship do exist but that can be said for many other situations (you can meet a random person on the street and become friends or whatever with the same success). Whatever insecurities I have, keeping in touch with exes is not working for me (and I guess it's valid for many other people) so I really don't care about missing out on positive life experiences - I don't even get how an ex will be of benefit to me in that respect?? I don't really need connections now. I've got my circle of friends which I know for decades and I am happy and content with it. And I don't know why we keep insisting on "requiring". Nothing is required, everybody is free to do as he/she wishes. If she is not OK with my - she is free to leave. The same is valid for me. The third option is some compromise as we already discussed. I don't feel that ignorance is bliss. I repeat - it's easy talking from the comfort of retrospection, it reinforces one's views and boosts self-esteem. It would be not so bright if things went the other way and nobody would speak about it then...
  21. I accepted the vacation because it will be a single occasion that's been arranged before we even met. Not that's a justifiable enough cause (according to some of you here) but let's assume that it's my part of the compromise equation. But let me correct you about me "trying to control it and get it all his way" and "sticking around" because there are some nuances and facts you don't take into account which is understandable - I am presenting a lot of information and sometimes it's hard to navigate it and many things are missed. So I'll try to be concise about the timeline of events without missing the important bits: - she receives a late evening call (11PM) from her ex and when I ask her about it (on the next day), she initially denies, then is surprised how I know who he is and finally confesses and accuses me of not trusting her - after couple of days of me thinking about it and trying to understand it (I don't want to make rash decisions based on my emotions), I ask her to meet me and explain the whole situation; she says that she keeps in touch with her ex from three years ago and they share a friends group; I trust her explanation that they are just friends and I behave like I am OK with it (I was really OK with it for a little while or I was just caught up in the moment and delusional) - the very next day I feel bad and uncomfortable again and I am on the verge of ending things; we meet and I admit that I may have misled her and that I'm really not comfortable with her keeping contact with exes; she says that she totally agrees with me and that she also thinks that keeping in touch with exes is not appropriate so I don't have to worry about it (and couple of days later calls that ex of hers to tell him about me and to not contact her) - almost a month later the ex contacts her to arrange some things for the vacation (I tell her that in that case it's not a problem for me, although she is afraid how I might react); after we dig deeper, it turns out that although she can't guarantee that a random ex won't reach out some time in the future (nobody has demanded such thing, of course), she is responsible to not initiate contact with any of them but she can't ignore or tell them all to not contact her (she is not "that type of person", she is friendly, polite, etc.). So it turns out that for us two, "keeping contact" with an ex doesn't mean the same thing. For me, it means literally that. For her - it depends on how often it is (couple of times a week is not the same as couple of times a year) and how meaningful it is (personal stuff or just chit-chat) and it depends on who initiates it - she won't actively reach out to any of her exes but if somebody textes/calls her, she feels obliged to be polite, friendly, etc. So it's not that I've tried to control it and get it my way. I THOUGHT it was my way as well as her way (see the third dashed paragraph). And I was happy and content that we were on the same page until couple of days ago when we found those "little" details about how one can interpret "keeping contact with exes" as. Now I am really sticking around and considering what to do. It's been couple of days and I haven't thought thoroughly about it but I won't be in a hurry to take some action. I will try to see if there's a plank in my eye first.
  22. That's what I wonder about too. I don't see why an ex would need to contact an old flame out of the blue and ask how he/she is doing. Call me naive, biased, suspicious or whatever but I am almost sure that most of the times there's some surreptitious purpose. Especially when it's man->woman. Be it rekindling things (worst case scenario), being bored, needing validation, needing emotional support, not having other options etc. Many times people don't even know the subconscious reason for doing things (not enough self-awareness) or are outright delusioning themselves. And I repeat - there isn't a bad blood between me and any of my exes. I really hope they are doing fine and have all the luck and happiness in the world. But I don't feel any need to check up on them. It will be totally awkward for me to just appear out of the blue and suddenly be considerate about their lives (and I am still very fond of my most recent ex as a person and I had great connection with her whole family but breaking up means end of story). Speaking of compromise - I guess (usually) a mutual one is the best strategy? Like both people make some steps towards each other and meet in middle ground (not giving up their opinion totally)? I will find some time to be alone with my thoughts and try to reason with myself about occasional contact with exes and see if there's some room for variation.
  23. There are no options left then. We both have different views about communicating with exes so we should part ways?
  24. You are saying that because of the knowledge you have now : ) Had you done that (requiring your husband not keeping contact with exes), you wouldn't know there was such a woman, such a kid etc. So you wouldn't lose anything. And there was a possibility that the woman would not like you (or you would not like her) so you wouldn't be (good) friends etc. It's all easy when something good has happened and you look back from the safety of retrospection. And having several good examples in your life tends to reinforce the confirmation bias. We all have such : )
  25. That sounds perfectly reasonable and I will take it into consideration. It's an option but I have to think about doing it, I don't want to act hastily.
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