reinventmyself

No doubt. It's such a non stop internal war wrestling to do what's best and heartbreaking all at the same time. Hoping Kitty has a better day today. ((hugs))

preparing for shutdown . .

My bf's parent's situation is declining. 87 yr old Dad his first dr appt to be evaluated for dementia last week. He's been having outbursts lately, accusing his wife of sleeping with neighbor and stealing his money. Weirdly familiar as my Dad said basically similar things, as well as others I know that who's parents succumbed to dementia or Alzheimer's. 83 yr old Mom who's limited to a walker from multiple back and knee surgeries is simultaneously referred to an oncologist for likely cancerous gynecological mass. S returns next week to follow up with Dad's MRI and Moms oncologist appt. She's been bleeding heavily at times and refuses to go to ER as the Dr advised, but would rather wait another 10 days for her appt. It's a perfect storm of issues that have put a strain on S that I can't even explain. Being the only surviving son and with the parents in another state, he's traveling back and forth constantly. The parents bicker viciously and at a previous time S drove himself to the emergency room when he thought to test his blood pressure with the device his parents had on the table. I have to bite my tongue. I've been aware for some time but even more so now that his parents have no plan or no idea how they want to navigate the end of life process and all that it entails. I did dare to get close to the nerve and ask him if his parents had a life insurance policy. (they don't) Because if his Dad was to go first his wife is only entitled to a portion of his pension with no SS. It's not enough for her to live on, let alone the likely hood of them both needing to be placed any moment soon. They are nearing or maybe even past the point of living independently and are a medical emergency away from this blowing up on all of them. I mentioned to S the other day that something just did not add up. I pointed out that even at our age we all think about what our end of life might look like, how it would impact our kids and what our wishes might be. Clearly his parents have considered this. How is it they have no plan and all of this is left to S to sort out? I get angry if I think of it long enough. It's seems incredibly selfish. My parents may have over planned, but even with that all the business of handling their health and estate according to their wishes with all the careful planning was grueling. And it's not like his parents didn't have a good life as well as good fortune to begin with. For that matter his mom thought to buy a new large SUV last year (that she can barely drive and rarely leaves the garage) with a monthly payment over $900. I can't make this sh*t up. I spoke to his mom the other day over the phone and she started crying. Not for herself, she pointed out but how she didn't want to impact her sons life. I am speechless and can't even find the words to respond to that. Or afraid of spilling out what I was actually thinking about her comment. It's all so sad. I feel somewhat guilty at times over my attitude about all this. I suppose it's my protectiveness over S that spills out. That and projecting my own fear knowing what's in store. During his visit last week, they only just now got the medical directive and power of attorney in order. Probably only because I have nagged him for the last 3 years to do it. Why his parents hadn't even considered it is beyond me. S will end up being the primary caretaker. It's not like he isn't already. Just not full time. It may mean his needs to move a state away to live with them or bring them home to his house. He's a great guy and has the capicity to do it, to an extent. It's not the physical part that will wear on him so much, it's the emotional he's not equipped to do. His mom is an angry opinionated, rager and difficult beyond description. One at time is enough to break the best, but simultaneously. . I more than concerned for his wellbeing.

I guess the point I am trying to make is when most people see crazy they cross the street. You came here as if to ask questions but yet seem impermeable to any advise. Just like you were impermeable to the message he was giving in hopes to run you off by not responding to your attempts to reach out, repeatedly We are all in agreement that this guy isn't nice. Label it anyway you seem fit but the energy you are investing into this shines the light back on you. Some of ways you handled your part are highly questionable, but yet you dismiss any suggestions to even consider it.

"Why did he have so much attitude towards me" Did you have a question?

Pretty certain I may have shared this. But just a couple weeks of my type 2 diabetes discovery, my bfs son and gf decided to stop by his home one Sunday morning while we were still in our pj's drinking coffee. Asking what they did the day before, the gf shares she had a fever all night and blamed her bf for getting her sick from days prior. I was mortified and removed myself from the room to sit in the dining room. Next day they let us know she thought to test and it came back positive. I was a little emotionally raw to begin with and broke into tears. Mostly tears of frustration on how people can be so freakin' clueless and insensitive.

it's pretty text book that when you see someone in real time, whether in person or a video call, you discover for a variety of different reasons there isn't going to be a viable connection. It's all fun and fantasy when you are engaging in anonymous emails etc, but things shifted after the video call, correct? Not to mention the periods of time you two were not in contact. He alluded to the possibility of someone else in his life. What else to do you need to possibly know? It's your time. Invest it in how you seem fit.

and as you are learning, this flip happens all the time. It's the number one down side of meeting people on line. Learn to expect it, be kind to yourself and move on.

No, it's not narcissism. It's someone who has a mean streak and not interested in someone who's investing too much unrequited attention on him. You didn't take the hint when he rejected your numerous attempts. Now he got his message through to you in a not so pleasant way.

Consider your time more valuable than this. You've have spent an exorbitant amount of energy trying to analyze this abusive man's behavior when your time would have been better spent on yourself. When we find ourselves excessively 'other' focused, it's typically a calling to look within. Wouldn't your time be better spent asking yourself why you kept trying to contact someone who clearly didn't want your attention? Why is it about you that kept exposing yourself to the constant rejection from someone who would not take your call, only to insist you needed an answer as to why? What is it about you that stayed with the final call long enough to let him insult you repeatedly while you sat there and defended yourself? My head reeled back at one point when you imagined he might have self esteem issues and problems with availability. The dude was plain evil, don't romanticize this. And you set yourself self up as a convenient and willing victim for him. But why? I get it was confusing that he started off one way and ended in another. It's confusing. But leave it at that. There are a lot of kookie people online. Get used to it. Learn to spot them early rather than later and remove yourself from exposure immediately. Don't sit around trying to analyze them. Certainty not to this extent. Invest that valuable energy in yourself. That's the only thing you have control over.

Uh oh. Hoping everything is ok. Some people 🤬

I have progessives. But I do notice if I am wearing them for a period of time, when I take them off my vision is noticeably worse. It takes maybe an hour before my eyesight returns to it's normal, which is poor to begin with. So, what do you do? It doesn't stop me from wearing them.

I have anxiety and after the loss of my mother my anxiety and grief was at an all time high. I reached out to my therapist who I hadn't seen in years, but his practice is now so limited he couldn't see me. I checked into grief support groups, but made excuses not to go. I am sorry about the loss of your father and one thing that might help is to be gentle with yourself and know that what you experiencing is normal. I think we tend to spiral further when we think there is something wrong with us. Embrace the grief instead of fighting it. It tends to loosen it's grip. Give yourself the permission to feel the intense emotions rather than struggling with them. There are plenty of grief support groups and if your father was in hospice, that's a great resource to find one. I regret I didn't do it. It would have been helpful to share experiences with others who understood and were going through the same thing. Honestly, I was a mess for about a year. But the anxiety was the most acute the first few months. I wouldn't consider meds unless this continues for an extended period of time. I know you mentioned having grief for a month, but it sounds to me that you are still grieving and possibly labeling it something else. I personally wouldn't want to take a pill that would mask a normal response (albeit painful) of the loss of a loved one. Wishing you the best. . .

At first it raises serotonin. But continued use does the opposite. It's miserable enough for me to make the change. At the very least I will drink early and spend the rest of the evening drinking lots of water before I go to bed. That seems to work for me.

I am going to be blunt, but it appears you are acting out in a very insecure way. You dismissed her and are building a case on how she won't want you anyway. I suppose that will work at pushing her further away. What is it you are afraid of?

Sign up for personal therapy. It will help you sort things out, give you clarity and support. It's a process and long one at that. When you are at a low point and your most vulnerable, having the courage to leave feels insurmountable. Be kind and patient with yourself and allow yourself the time to consider everything and come to terms with what you have to deal with. It doesn't happen overnight. Consult an attorney. Go into it with the notion that you are not ready to act on it. If you waited til you were ready, you'd likely not go. But merely armed with that information gives you power and some confidence. I was in therapy for over a year and at some point, consulted an attorney. I was nowhere near making a decision, but my therapist gently encouraged me to merely seek information. I went in literally shaking and came out more than surprised on how much power I really had. I honestly had no idea. I still sat on that information for a few more months and armed with support and some newly developing confidence, I knew when I was ready and never ever looked back. My ex also told me I'd be nothing without him and living in my car. I left as a stay at home mom with no marketable skills, sold the family home and purchased a townhome. I got an entry level job and promoted within a year to a supervisor. I was able to retire early and pay off my mortgage. So, don't buy in the fear tactics. One foot in front of the other and if I can do this, you can too. I wish you the very best. Please consider coming back and posting more.

There are articles regarding routine alcohol use lowering serotonin. I came across them when I noticed a pattern of drinking and waking up in the middle of the night feeling super anxious and wanted to know why. I stopped for a while and now just drink socially, rather than having that glass or two of wine a night. The longer I go without the better I feel and better I sleep.

The last name and social seems may seem like a good idea to get, but yet I wouldn't offer it. It's way too easy to find out a person's home address and vitals. What is intended to give you some comfort or sense of security ends up putting you in danger. IMO I don't have a lot of people I know fairly well on my social media. I don't care for just anyone in to see my personal world. Every so often I delete people I haven't spoken to in a while. I personally met men for coffee and if after I got a sense of who they were, I slowly volunteered or asked for more personal information then. It took me a couple dates before took up an offer to pick me up at home. If they needed all that info up front, they weren't the man for me.

Then it's no surprise you choose someone who is unavailable and if the circumstance were to change this has little to no chance of going anywhere. If you were to look at it this way, it's probably safe for you to be vulnerable with someone/something that has no future. You need to address your inability to have an intimate connection with available women and not continue to perpetuate this. Continuing in this just reinforces an unhealthy pattern.

Most liars have remorse, unless they are a sociopath. Sometimes they regret getting caught and are merely in damage control mode. It falls short of genuine remorse that leads to change. If he has a history of engaging sex workers and thought to contact one in the midst of a committed relationship, how does he win your trust back? Are you always going to wonder when the next time comes. I am a believer of the old saying 'where's there is gas, there is fire" This is merely what you came across. I'd hate to think what else is going on you don't know. He may have not gone through with it, but he's shown it's in his character to not only see sex workers but make arrangements with them still today. You need to do what's right for you. But this would be more than enough for me to end it.

She let her know her schedule? If i read this correctly, you should reach out to her.

You two started dating very young and along the road to maturity, you are entrenched in this unhealthy parent/child relationship. But as nature would have it, children grow up. What worked for you previously doesn't work any longer. Relationships are built on compromise. There will always be things you don't see eye to eye on, but you compromise until you reach an answer you both are ok with. At times one person will acquiesce to the other, but it builds good will. The fairness is remembered when the next challenge comes and you remember your partners generosity. You take turns acting in good faith to give each other what they want when there isn't a clear compromise. It as balance that goes both ways. What you have here is a dictatorship. Just curious what would happen if you didn't roll over to her threats. You can respectfully tell her that you aren't willing to give in to her demand. My guess is she is a lion with no teeth and won't actually leave. We tend to not respect people who give away all of their power. Respect begins with you. You need to respect yourself enough to not allow anyone to bulldoze you the way she does. You mention you were afraid to challenge her and lose her. Sometimes it's perfectly ok to love someone and at the same recognize that you no longer bring out the best in each other and are better off separating.

to add to this . . If you were to make this all about you and some mysterious character flaw you had, that would be the only thing you would have control over and possibly change. Unless you know better it's seems easier to twist yourself pretzel in a desperate hope things would get better. Afterall you have no control over him and his actions. Hoping for change from him has proved pointless. So you continue to come up with different ways to change yourself until you lose your way and have lost yourself. And he's right there to reinforce that this is all about you. As Kwothe mentioned, it's a text book gaslighter/abuse dance. Trust me. I've done it.

A little psycho babble here - Admittedly you have a strong attachment style and some self esteme issues. When someone turns away it triggers some feelings of abandonment. If you try to look it that this way, this really isn't about her being 'the one' It's a pattern that some have and if they don't address it, it will continue to repeat itself. When the feeling of abandonment triggers, your mind goes into overdrive desperately trying to stop the discomfort. It probably explains why you were inclined to only hear what you wanted to hear and ignore the rest. Be wary of the guilt you are feeling now. You may be tricking yourself into thinking you now need to reach out and apologize. Romantic relationships have a way of shining a light on our own personal issues we need to work on.

Depends on the context and why he said it.