reinventmyself

Yet you are somewhat defensive warning us to not mention blocking her. How does one move forward when they are still involving themselves with someone they have a toxic relationship with? Don't you think it's curious that you have done all this work and continue to be painfully stuck. But the one thing you won't do is remove her from your life? What if that was the very thing that got you to the other side? Mabey some can do both. Have their ex in their life and move forward. At 9 months is it safe to say you can't? Nothing wrong with that. I know I couldn't. You have a long list of reasons why blocking her won't work. But trust me, if you wanted to stop contact you would and you could. You choose not to. So, get comfortable with the fact that your progress will stall or continue to be painfully slow. It's your choice.

Now that is perfectly clear he isn't going to change and you are going to be just getting more of the same, what are you going to do about it?

I know a couple that went through this. I actually carpooled with the husband for several years and we had plenty of windshield time to talk. Married for over 30 years and their interests were greatly divided as well as their connection. The wife initiated the painful separation for reasons she couldn't really articulate, other than complacency and differences. As to be expected, he was in a great deal of grief and when it affected his work performance of his 30 yr career, he was terminated. It pretty much broke him. House was sold, they both moved and to this day they stay in constant contact. They meet weekly to play pickle ball, they have family dinners with their kids and their families every Sunday. Spend holidays together. In so many ways, other than logistics they are still a couple. Maybe more friend like than anything. Does it work for them? Not necessarily. I think in hindsight it was a lot of unnecessary pain and grief to ultimately end up where they were to begin with. Great friends, supportive family but the only difference is divided funds and different addresses. Why not just stay together? It's not like either of them want to date and create a new life with a different partner. Because it was never about that.

Having just caught up on this a few things come to mind. Saying you hid your tendency to attach quickly is part of the problem. No matter how much you 'fake it 'til you make it', people can read this on you. That and your admitted low self esteme. Please know this. She may have enjoyed getting to know you initially and when she sensed your intensity, she realized it wasn't for her. The conversation where you apologized and offered friendship seem to soften her. She appears to be needing a friend in her life right now. But when you doubled down immediately with "friends for the time being with the possibility of more in the future' she immediately flipped. A woman who was brave enough to tell you no and is now fully aware that you are her friend with an agenda is going to make her rethink the friendship. Because as others have pointed it, it really isn't just a friendship. It's uncomfortable to be friends with someone who is hoping you will change your mind, especially after you've made it perfectly clear. You continued to get stuck on her words that didn't make sense. You overcomplicate things when it was pretty simple. She was enthusiastic at the start and at some point something changed. It happens all the time. I've met men in my life that I thought were lovely, but for what ever reason . .some I can't for the life of me put my finger on, there was something missing. I wished it differently and we went our different ways. I always thought highly of them and the lack of chemistry or timing took absolutely nothing away from them. I've been on the other end of this as well. It happens all the time. Get comfortable with it. You go on further with a little bitterness and I get that's the disappointment talking. To be expected. But your tone is that of someone who's kindness was taken advantage of and given mixed messages. But everything you shared, she was very clear on her feelings towards you. Don't forget, you were one the one that offered friendship and she accepted your offer. But again, you doubled down with a motive which forced her to reinforce what she already made perfectly clear. Noone took advantage of you. I'm sorry if these words are strong, but owning your responsibility for your tendency to only listen to things you want to hear and failing to look at the bigger picture won't serve you well.

I am a firm believer that even if it looks bleak, you need to do everything you both can do to work towards getting things back on track before even considering separating. The fact that you are asking for books and online material to read suggests that you haven't. Working on a complacent marriage isn't sexy, but it's a very worthwhile investment to do it. At the very least you won't look back without any regrets. Marriage counseling. Have you two tried dating each other? Plan fun things to do. Start a new sport, kayaking, golf. Take vacations alone.

Happy Belated Mothers Day!

Your real friends won't buy into his smear campaign. Which is nothing more than a threat at this point. If they do buy into it, they aren't your friends to begin with. People see through disgruntled ex's and their irrational behavior. You go to the same school, assuming you are a minor? Tell your parents you are being harassed.

You bring up exactly what you witnessed. And he's likely going to deny it but at least it's out in the open and from there you just pay close attention. The truth tends to show itself one way or another without any effort on your part.

Had a really nice Mothers Day. My two sons, daughter in law and baby took me out to brunch. I don't typically like to go out with the masses on Mothers Day and have often suggested we celebrate at home or another day. But I was thrilled to have them all together, when work schedules often conflict. Not to mention my youngest son having to divide Mothers Day three ways with his own wife, that he acknowledged the day previously and his MIL the day prior. 3 full days for him, that and a fussy toddler, I appreciate the effort and it was nice day. My oldest, chauffeur has a habit of not taking me home and finding a round two place for the two of us to continue. We sat at a waterfront restaurant and enjoyed some more drinks for a couple more hours. Mom is always thrilled that her son seems to genuinely like to hang out with her. He had worked the day before and basically hadn't slept in 24 hours. I had to be the one to tell him we needed to wrap it up and get him home so he could get some sleep. My heart if full. Post Covid we've all seen the lower level service, lower quality etc, as places struggle to get on track. But I keep bumping into an over all complacency across the board almost everywhere I go. Most recently my old employer, while changing health insurance providers, failed to enroll me in Cobra. Does it matter that I spoke with them directly regarding the check I sent that would be considered overpayment. They had no problem cashing it, but failed to enroll me. It's almost straightened but went to dentist appt yesterday who was kind enough to postpone billing. I met with my financial planner in March to do my taxes and come up with firm financial plan. Beginning 4/1 I began taking a monthly disbursement from my investments. May payment doesn't come. I try to be patient for the first week only to dig around on the website to see he wrote in the box that asks if it's reoccurring, he puts in 'One time only" I had to pay taxes and he arranged to have it drawn directly from my checking account. 10 days past, he keeps telling me to be patient. Day 10 I realize he inputted my deceased Mothers closed trust account numbers. I am now being fined for late payment. Grrrrr. Two blunders like this and I am considering looking for another advisor. The two very things that keep me awake at night, having retired . My income and health insurance and neither were in place. Both of these things bumbled simultaneously kept me even more awake for a few nights.

There are just too many moving parts and more reasons to say no then there are to say yes. She needs to explain to them that this is a group planned vacation and going off to do your own thing isn't a good idea. There is only one shared car that she can't take from the group and unfortunately no room for them to stay. Thank them for the offer to make the drive (and then change the terms?) but she is regrettably not able to meet up. No reason for guilt. It's out of your control and just the way things worked out.

. .sometimes people behave badly in hopes you'll leave

a relative brings his wife to your home and you won't look at her or acknowledge her . . and wouldn't make a move on her because he's married? That line of thinking gives off an unsaid vibe she may have picked up on. If she were a man would you have handled it the same way? Why didn't you act like a neutral, welcoming host to everyone, including her? Acting indifferent to someone, no matter their sex is confusing. I may have been confused and put off by your behavior as well.

Outside of articulating the words ILY, does he act lovingly towards you? I understand the importance of needing to hear him say it, but his behavior towards you is anything but loving. Whether he loves you or not is shown by his actions towards you. It sounds as if his demands in bed is nothing more than moving the goal posts. My guess is you could continue to adjust to meet his demands, but the goal posts will continue to move further, and you'll never get it right. . according to him. He sounds like he's playing some cruel game with you. Do you want a life time of this? Or are you waiting for him to be someone entirely different than he his. What you have is standing right in front of you. Believe you deserve someone who adores you.

Sometimes, it's like going to the gym. It may feel like the very last thing in the world you want to do, but you are usually grateful that you did. It in turn motivates you to go again.

The vet just called with Macy results and everything is good! She is still crazy ravenous and drinking a lot more water, at the same time getting thinner and thinner. These were all the same symptoms that had us in the vets office 2 yrs ago being diagnosed hyperthyroid. But the vet said that super seniors tend to lose muscle mass and along with her recent weight loss, she understood my concerns. I don't think my concerns were unfounded, at the same time recognizing I am in a little bit of a worry loop about other things in my life. Nice to have some peace of mind that this furry little old lady can live out her life comfortably.

Sometimes it's not about putting all of your trust into someone else. It's about trusting yourself. People will disappoint you. But do you have what it takes to make good choices in a partner, do you listen to your intuition, do you trust yourself to know the difference between unfounded fears and real ones? Do you have what it takes to act in your own self care and know that no matter what you have what it takes to be ok? That "Ah Ha" moment was a gamechanger for me. Much like you, I scanned the room for people I could trust and saw boogie men in every corner. I took some much needed time to myself and realized that I couldn't put 100% of my trust into others if I didn't trust myself enough to make good choices and had to guts to on it.

Culture aside. Is this meeting your needs? It doesn't sound like it. For that matter it would feel rather insulting that he is putting his sisters needs over yours. Unless he wants to grow old with his sister, he needs to be respectful towards you. You need to tell him in more direct terms how this makes you feel about him and the relationship.

Make lists. Sounds pretty simple, but they work for me. I have an issue with avoidance. I have a tendency to put off things I need to do and difficulty making decisions. If I let this rule my world, it would interfere with my work performance. (it's a symptom of my anxiety issues) At work I had a larger post it pad, 4x3. I preferred this over a note pad because it would stick to my desk and not get shuffled under something else I used to distract myself. When I felt distracted and unmotivated, I'd make a list of everything I needed to do. I could feel such a strong resistance to doing them, but I'd buckle down and methodically do each task, crossing them off as I go. In the end it felt rewarding and the strong avoidance I experienced felt rather silly. It's the reward for having completed a job well done that motivates you do more. You can't always wait for the motivation to strike you. I keep meaning to by a dry erase board for home. But I keep putting that off too . .lol

Im going to guess he would struggle being your friend, despite who you dated.

Hi Fudgie, Loved reading your updates, your lovely home and the excitement over the new job. Life sounds good!

Very insightful . .something to think about for sure.

Have you told him that on no uncertain terms that his attention is unwelcomed? And if he continues to ignore your wishes you will take measures to make it stop? In my experience I find it interesting that a majority of people complain about unwanted attention, when pressed they admit they have never even taken the first step to make it stop. Even if it's at some unconscious level, they like the attention even though they protest. What makes this scenario suspect is your own friend is facilitating requests for meet ups and personal info between the two of you. Had you been firm in your conviction about the attention stopping, I doubt this would be even happening.

Kinda. It's still pretty ambivalent and contradictory. It's ok if this is what you are seeking. She may be seeking something entirely different. No bad guys here. Just two different ways of viewing it and chalking it up to bad timing. You do realize your message is rather mixed. She likely caught that. I can't help but think your interest went up when you felt her slipping away. Could this be more about your ego than Ms-Right or Ms-Right-For-Right-Now showing interest in someone else? It's ok. Our ego's can play tricks on us. It is however helpful to call it for what it is.

When I first met my now bf, the plan was to walk around the Tuesday evening street fair close to his home. He suggested I meet him at his house and park my car there. His parents were visiting from out of state at the time. I declined the offer, saying I'd meet him at a Starbucks along the same street as the fair. When he updated his parents that I had declined meeting him at his home, his Mother responded "I like her already"

Even hustlers and scam artists don't ask for your bank and social security info in the first 24 hours. They invest time and interest in you to get you to let your guard down over a period of time. Not sure how you made sure of it "right away" and are why you are already forecasting a future with this person, day one. It's the very thing that makes you target to people with bad intentions.