reinventmyself

He's hurt and humiliated. Respect that that's how the incident made him feel and he isn't going to just get over it when it suits you. You started off by explaining what transpired and ended your post making it all about you. "You are hurting every day and feel like you are being tortured" You go even further wanting him to reassure you and make you feel better. Do you want this behind you? Respect how this made him feel. Period. Allow him the space to deal with it in his own way. Have some empathy and don't turn it around and make it about you. No doubt this is no fun for either of you but just listen and tell him you understand. This will take time and won't just go away when it's convenient for you. Of course, if he's still holding this over your head weeks or months from now, then you can get annoyed. But it's been mere days and his trust is shaken. It takes time and a concerted effort on your part to gain his trust back. The more you make this about you and your *suffering the further down a rabbit hole you'll fall.

As you are now. . .give this some time to contemplate this situation. I would find the right words to tell him how you feel about the inequity in this relationship and how his comment made you feel. No matter the reason behind it, it was really insensitive. Had my boyfriend made that comment, I'd stop making the drive and make other plans. Sometimes when you stop pursuing and readjust, partners should typically step up and close in the space. I am super curious as to what he would do if you stopped doing all the heaving lifting. I can't help but wonder if the distance, overcommitment to his jobs and his making you feel unwelcome until expressly invited works for him somehow.

I am sorry this happened. Just know everything you are feeling is normal. You described keeping yourself extra busy and feeling good. Sometimes busying ourselves is a way from avoiding the grief. It's always there waiting for you. So no doubt, from having gone from thinking you were doing so well, to having such strong reaction to what you witnessed must have thrown you. It's never a straight line and it comes with a lot of firsts. Seeing her with someone else is a pretty big painful first. Just continue taking care of yourself as you have been and at the same time don't be surprised when intense moments catch you off guard. Hang in there.

There is always that little notion that if someone is open minded enough to have a stranger stay at their home having never really met them, they may be assuming you are very open minded about other things as well. Set some boundaries, tell him to get a hotel room and see how he takes it. If he has any character, he'll respect your wishes and if not, he likely has ulterior motives. Can you meet him halfway at a public place? Setting limits speaks loudly of your own character and your level of self respect.

I would say instead of thinking he had some cryptic ulterior motive to just take it at face value. He has romantic feelings for you that he hopes you would reciprocate. You returning to your ex, he'd prefer to bow out and let you find your happiness. It's either too uncomfortable for him to stay friends.. . which he considered himself more than. And when you think about it, when we are in relationship it's never a really good idea to be spending time with people who have romantic feelings for you at the same time. Don't consider it some implied threat.

Yup!

There's a saying 'the one holding the money holds the power' As you are experiencing money matters and family can be emotionally charged and intertwined. My parents helped my ex and I with a down payment that we paid back within a year. The boundaries and expectations are very clear. It was cut and dry. His family however, every single financial mingle ended in misunderstandings, power struggles and mistrust. You are totally warranted in your concerns.

Still reeling over the opening questions . . If someone who kindly called to asked me on date and I opened with aggressively grilling him in a three different ways if he was recently ill. . .because he deleted an emoji and was quiet for period of time? I wouldn't be all surprised if he hung up on me. He just asked me "how much do I owe you?" and I answered "nothing, good luck". It was my way of showing him that I am not financially interested in him, but privately. I have to add this from the very beginning. If all the fuss was over his indirect message by deleting an emoji and how upset she is that he didn't articulate it to her in a way she deemed appropriate. - would this response be considered direct or rather passive aggressive?

I like what Wiseman wrote and I am going to totally contradict myself here. Apologies. Sometimes it calls for keeping your head down and doing your best. . for yourself. Try to block out all the noise. Often times it's those hard, consistent workers who don't draw attention to themselves that get recognized. I was this person for almost 2 decades. It wasn't until the end that I started speaking up when things became unbearable. But for the most part, the earlier years I was recognized for being a hard worker, amenable at that. It's not an easy balancing act for sure.

Unfortunately there is a big difference between speaking up and setting boundaries in personal relationships. You have that security that those people close to you are emotionally invested and care about your concerns, whatever they may be. As far as work goes, there isn't that emotional component to protect you and it can be ruthless. "No good deed goes unpunished" comes to mind. I experienced similar unfair events and witnessed it happening not only to me but to others in different departments. It's a hard hurdle to manage and to be honest, it can be nothing more than playing the mind game. How does one earn the respect and say just enough hoping to be heard and not too much so it doesn't come back to bite you in the **s. If fairness was a culture in a (toxic) workplace then we'd all feel safe to be vocal about it. I am a little jaded here about this topic and all I can say is your situation does sound rather toxic. I would keep looking for other employment but in the meantime consider before you are about to leave to take that risk and test them by speaking up. I did, on my way out mind you. Not all at once but slowly and subtly began speaking up in more pointed terms. I was ready to leave so I had nothing to lose. I confirmed what I suspected, that change was never going to happen. No regrets.

Consider the pain and disappointment you are experiencing in this moment. Imagine you met someone today who was a distraction from that pain. It feels good to have that escape but the grief is always waiting for you. It would be safe to say that you really wouldn't be the right mind to start a new relationship while grieving the previous one. Right? Put yourself in his shoes and he wasn't ever really relationship ready to begin with. It postponed his grief for a small period of time and when reality creeped through, he later slipped into depression. It's selfish to seek people out to help you deal with a heartbreak from another. You take that time and work through the disappointment and wait until you are whole again before you date. The lesson here is the next time you suss out a man's relationship timeline and pass on men that are fresh out of relationships and have some work to do. Don't stick around and allow them to work it out on you. Sorry this happened to you.

Ultimately, you are very likely going to scare them off with your cynical, rigid views on how interpersonal relationships really work. You are still young and though very resistant to any input, my hope for you is a little something seeped through a crack, takes root and starts to grow. Give yourself the gift of trying to be more open minded about this. You are honestly only getting in your own way. Hopefully time softens your views.

The biggest part of cosmetology school is learning sanitation and sterilization. I've never looked at anything the same since. Adding to your comment about the dentist, I sit there quietly and count how many times they cross contaminate things. Example, gloves, hands in my mouth, yet typing on a keyboard? I'll stare at those little clear plastic covers they put over the handles on the mirror. You know the ones with fluid like fingerprints on it from the people before you. . I could go on but I know you get a little more weirded out than I do. So Ill be kind and stop 😁

In the meantime google gaslighting. His lies caught up with him and if he had any integrity he'd take responsibility. Instead he chose to flip you on the mat and make this all about some mysterious character flaw that you have. Your reaction to being gaslit is pretty textbook because now you're the one who feels guilty and is apologizing. Take a deep breath and step back. Do you now see how twisted that is?

Yes and no. I'm sure there are some but in my experience and I've worked in four different restaurants when I was younger. . I've heard people say that all my life and for the most part it's kind of urban legend not based on hard facts. Yes there are some definitely disgusting restaurants I've just never worked in any. If the dining room looks old and dirty you can pretty much bet the kitchen is too. If you make your choices based on that you're pretty safe. The spoon scratch. . . Nooo!

Eeew. Years ago, prepandemic, a friend accompanied me to get some Subway sandwiches to take on a little boating excursion with some couples on a hot afternoon. We stood quietly watching the young man wiping his runny nose on the back of his hand over and over while simultaneously making sandwiches. Neither of us said a word, staring quietly. We got all the way home and it was then I spoke up. I just couldn't possibly eat the sandwiches. We were in agreement and I drove all the way back. As luck would have it the shift manager was upfront and the young man was on break. I told her everything that transpired and she apologized profusely and re-made the sandwiches.

I can throw a rock and find something to do where it lands.

"Vulnerability is very unattractive" Saddest statement thus far. Humans are beautifully flawed creatures and that's what we can relate to. Someone who's brave enough to show their vulnerabilities is almost guaranteed an opportunity to connect intimately with another. People can't relate to perfect. In humans there is no such thing.

I keep thinking of my oldest son, handsome in his own right (I am his mom, so naturally biased) For years he felt he had to have the prettiest girl on his arm. He was successful at attracting these women and his previous two relationships were model worthy. Along with this there was also high intensity drama and a sense of entitlement from these young women. I am careful not to make generalizations here, but the point I want to make is a good number of beautiful people often lean on that and don't cultivate other aspects of themselves. The doors can open for them based on their looks. But if they aren't cultivating their character and bettering themselves in other ways, pretty gets ugly fairly quickly. My sons previous girlfriend was handed jobs in the fashion industry. She basically skated through and when that ran it's course, her attorney uncle gave her a job as the receptionist of the high end law firm. Why? Not because of her mad office skills, but of her first impression when people arrived. She as much as admitted to it. Emotionally, she was demanding hot mess. She insisted her little sister uninvited her to her wedding because she was so pretty she'd outshine the bride. (can you imagine?) Could it have been that she made ugly scenes where ever she went to steal the attention?? After this messy 3 yr relationship ended, I had a chat with my son. Nothing wrong with his desire with attractive ladies . . But he needed to dig a little deeper and pay attention to what was going on inside of them. He's currently dating a lovely young woman, who is grounded and confident and drama free. I'd like to think he learned his lesson. One of my best friends is attractive and rather narcissistic. We've been friends since we were 21. She had a way with men and knew how to work them to shamelessly get what she wanted. Not limited to men I suppose. She just knows how to work people in general. Now . .40 years later and as nature would have it, looks fade and she's floundering. Her looks no longer open doors, mature men run away from her and her demands and to be perfectly honest, she brings nothing to the table. At this point in our lives men are looking for an equal partner as opposed to being young and the idea that young men are attracted to arm candy they could show off and take care of.

Awww. . .thank you. She had her appt yesterday and I agreed to go ahead with the blood work up and urine sample. Results on Monday and from there I get to decide what to do with the information. She's the sweetest thing ever. Her nickname being Peeps or Peepers. Highest weight for her is 4lb. She's the tiniest thing and instead of a typical meow, she her meow is nothing more than a little peep. She wasn't happy with her exam and forgave me a few hours after being home. She finally came out of hiding for some rubs, gently bumping her little nose to mine, as if she was forgiving me. She just melts my heart.

If the courts insisted I was furthering myself (and I was at the time is cosmetology school) and if I wasn't they would see that I was doing. . something. Sitting at home is not rewarded. He may have nothing to show for his time now, but the judge will see that he does.

I have a visual of you sitting with your laptop, biting that cotton roll between your teeth. lol You're a rock star. You got this.

Not sure what the preoccupation you have with celebrities, and rugby players is about. If we all measured ourselves up them, we'd all be in same dark place you are. But I suppose if you keep googling articles to reinforce your insecurity on how you insist you'll be alone forever, it seems to be working for you. Consider googling "self fulfilled prophecies" instead. Antidote: I worked in a upscale restaurant in my early 20s. My coworkers were for the most part very attractive. One day a new male server showed up. He was pasty white, receding hair line at young age, rounded shoulders and very effeminate. Neither very physically attractive or masculine in a conventional way. What ended up happening is, as you got to know him, he had this self confidence, sense of humor and charisma like no other. Within weeks a few of the girls were competing for his attention. His personality compensated for what he may have lacked in looks and it slowly transformed how we viewed him. Ultimately he was very attractive on many levels. Confidence and character is attractive. It doesn't matter what you look like. Consider cultivating that.

I can't believe you are going to do this and still work anyway! Yikes.

As much as I would want to advise her to tell him to ease up on the texting, level the playing field by having him meet her halfway, curb the sexting - He may oblige, but then you miss out this opportunity to sum him up based on his true behaviors and make an informed decision based on that. He can adjust to your liking, but it's not who he is. And it will likely be short lived. I learned to not tell men to change who they are early on. But rather pay attention and make my decision based on what's in front of me. I don't think this guy is for you and you are holding out hoping he'll adjust to your liking. It's ok. Most of us are guilty of doing it. Eye's wide open and listen to your gut.