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junebug123

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About junebug123

  • Birthday 01/29/1986

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  1. You are indeed a wiseman. I used to believe that my exhaustion stemmed from me being anemic. I know there are people from my fathers side that have sickle cell. The truth is that in the past I’ve had blood work done and none of these things ever came back in any tests. Later on I realized that the exhaustion was more due to my lack of activity and unwillingness to go out and move my body. Since I’ve started exercising more and eating healthier, I’ve noticed that I can recover faster when I’m tired. There was also the problem of my addiction to caffeine. Having a reclusive personality means that I’d rather stay inside a lot read books, or watch education/recreational videos. Times when I had to study would be unbearable because reading technical books can be very dry especially when most of them are 250-500 pages long. I would usually read 6 - 8 of those books a year. So drinking energy drinks or caffeine would make it fun, but it would ruin my adrenal gland and disrupt my sleeping patterns. As another commenter said, I think it’s largely mental, waking up feeling like how I can make it through this day and having thoughts just makes me tired. On days when I am excited and looking forward, my energy levels are almost manic and it’s extremely hard for me to calm down. Sometimes I think I have borderline with my mood shifts. Either way, I will get the blood work done. As another poster said I need to break my old habits. Thing is, the negative thoughts usually flood me at night time. I was neglected a lot as a child to a single mother who worked and went to college. So even in my dreams beautiful women reject me. In real life, I reject myself most often not realizing that I am capable of being loved. I often delude myself into thinking she just using me for attention/money there’s no way she could really be attracted to a disgusting creature such as myself. I place too much value on looks, never realizing it was my personality pushing people away the entire time. Also, I realize I need to set goals. I need something to look forward too, I guess your right give myself some time to get acclimated and eventually I can start to be more proactive. If I am getting tired and staying up late it is also because my brain is being engaged a lot, and transitioning from reading documentation and watching videos on programming all day, to doing relatively nothing afterwards is difficult. I think I am just addicted to stimulation and attempts at cutting back have always faired well. When I stop engaging in instant gratification, my mood is boosted and I am often happier. But my only coping mechanism for dealing with depression is these types of things. So the feelings just come and I can fight them off for a few days at a time doing puzzles or going for walks. Yet, it’s a chronic distress and eventually the negative thoughts become so overbearing that I cannot bear to keep doing puzzles or journaling. It’s so sad, because I know what I need to do, but overcoming the neglect just makes me feel lonely, and if I just get stuck in this loop of feeling lonely and bored all the time...
  2. I started this job which I had been working towards for the past two years. To be honest it’s sort of a dream for me, but also it’s a lot of pressure and it’s the most I’ve ever made my entire life. Right now, I’m sort of just studying a lot because I’m going to be working on this really big software project and I’m exhausted like everyday. After work, I just try to exercise as much as I can so I can fall asleep because I have really bad insomnia and I sit down all day. When I got my first programming job, I told myself I would start dating more and meet people, but I was just tired all the time and on the weekends I didn’t want to stress myself more. I wanted time to decompress and sometimes at night I stay up more because I feel like I don’t have enough time to myself. I keep lying to myself saying I will change when I get this job, but just like before I just put money in the bank and don’t think about it. Ultimately, I haven’t resolved a lot of the issues I have. Once I get health insurance I will start going to therapy so hopefully soon. The times when I fall asleep on time, my body wakes me up in 3-4 hours and then I stay awake another hour and then I fall asleep but I wake up feeling so tired. I finally realized that at the root of my problem is being entangled with other people’s identities, and not being able to have a strong sense of self. I always value others before me, and consistently put their needs before mine. It’s no wonder that I can’t stand to be in a relationship because, I have no idea of how to balance my energy and I get way too invested early on and it drains me. I’ve been keeping a journal and recently I’ve been reading a lot of my old journals. I was depressed to find out that I keep repeating the same patterns over and over without realizing it. Falling in love with girls and being heartbroken, and jumping from relationship to relationship always blaming my partner and never taking responsibility for my own behavior in the relationship. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t feel so lonely at night, but it’s such a long and chronic distress pattern. I keep believing that I can eventually overcome these feelings, but even talking to my friend and sharing my thoughts with him today, he’s surprised at how defeatist I can be and obsessive when it comes to women. I wish I had his attitude, but he has an abundance mindset and he’s so easy going and so invested in so many social situations. I envy his ability to adapt, I wish I could develop those skills without putting in the time or effort. I have intelligence, health, and work ethic; but I am lacking in every other aspect of my life. Sometimes I feel like it’s not even worth it to be successful if I have to be so miserable all the time.
  3. Thanks. I guess I’ve always been into the sort of rocker/goth aesthetic, but what you are saying is on point. I just imagine these types as being more sexual because I’m projecting my own desires on to them.
  4. Don't make excuses to engage in wishful thinking. I've done this on a few occasions and it gets me no where. Look to see if she actually talks to other males, if that's the case then chances are she probably isn't as interested as you and maybe you should focus your energy else where. I guess that's difficult when your crushing hard.
  5. I just have a hard time trusting people I guess.
  6. Well, not really but I have done some play with some of these types of individuals and I wonder if I might enjoy this with a real partner. I guess it’s just a fantasy at this point, part of me feels sort of awkward about bringing this up to someone though.
  7. I have asked a few girls. But the typical response is that they don’t actually have higher drives, they just like this type of role play. Theres something about it that sort of turns me on, but my feeling is once the concept becomes less foreign to me the sort of veneer will lose its appeal as well. I suppose I have trouble following my intuition. Is this more typical of men, I hear that women are much better at trusting their guts and more willing to follow through with their issue feeling on a subject matter. There are times when I spend too much times ruminating over situational circumstances trying to come a consensus.
  8. I’m just sort of curious about this subject. I have sort of been dabbling in this forum where there are a lot of girls who where collars and considered themselves to be submissive. Is this just an act to attract males, there’s some part of me that acknowledges that people want to be part of communities and feel connected to others which share mutual interests. The part that’s confusing to me is has anyone been in a vanilla and bdsm relationship, is there much of a difference in the sexual frequency of the individuals or is it just a different type of play that people engage in?
  9. I initially reacted to this very violently as I always do when things don’t support my inherit bias. Then I thought for a moment and wondered why I triggered such a strong reaction. I find myself researching these ideas as these always seem so foreign to me, they leave me wondering why I keep spinning the same webs. Similar to what my lady friend said about detachment I am having the same problem absorbing this idea, that dating is not a competition. At the root of many of the problems I face, low self esteem and constant insecurities bombard my daily thoughts. Even with this new job I find myself worrying that it will only be a matter of time until they find me out as an imposture. There are times when I realize that all these negative thoughts only serve to way me down and validate my fears. Yet, the idea of leaving them alone makes me feel so naked and vulnerable. In many ways I’ve convinced myself that the only reason I have gotten to where I am today is due to these constant fears and worries. As much as they trouble and disturb every single interaction and relationship with co-workers, friends, families, and future/past partners; it seems like I value them more then any of the people I hold dear. Sometimes I feel like it’s so much to bear these thoughts all the time and I would just love to feel good for once and accept that I can want and deserve things. However, letting go and being happy is the thing which I am the most terrified of more then anything in the world. I feel like one poster said it best, I probably won’t be able to have a healthy relationship until I work on my issues. I just don’t know or understand how to trust and accept people because I’ve never learned to accept myself. The more vulnerable I allow myself to be in a relationship the more the fear comes up for me that they will eventually abandon me. In many ways it’s easier to be alone then to constantly fear the imaginary hammer. How do you overcome the fear of abandonment?
  10. Yeah. I recently watched a video in respect to men spending money on only fans or cam websites. It’s sort of same situation with these sort of video cam websites where you can sort of talk to many people and stimulate intimacy. I don’t think I’ve necessarily wasted any time per say making these mistakes on virtual dates with people who lived several states away from me. In many ways some of the ways that men and women have to compete for the affection of their partners, has always been one of the aspects I dreaded the most about dating. Often feeling discarded after a potential partner didn’t return my calls or messages after what I felt was like a good date. That coupled with the fact of spending time and energy meeting them and buying drinks or food. It’s sometimes a lot more devastating dealing with that, then spending a few hours chatting with someone online and getting desensitized to them moving on or talking to other men. I’m not sure if other people feel this way, but sometimes for people who find it especially difficult to relate to others (intellectually). I find it most difficult when I find ‘that’ women and lose her. The feeling is that they were so rare to begin with, and even rarer for me to have had an encounter them and chemistry to boot. In many ways, I know that there are many of aspects of a relationship that I should cherish. Yet, not being able to fully share your thoughts or be your authentic self is such a terribly lonely feeling. More then anything in the world, I want a partner who can meet me halfway in this area. Where we could share a mutual intensity for growth, and a passion for learning. I guess all of this takes time and patience and maturity on my part thou.
  11. I'm going to look into this. One of my female friends that I actually have a healthy friendship with explained to me this theory of detachment. Basically the concept is that I can still be around people, just not looking to feel fulfilled with their company. Like having my feelings not dictate my behaviors, and I realized that was what had been causing me pain the most. I would be feeling lonely and bored and using the platform to sort of not deal with this feelings or using my relationships to avoid those feelings. Then it would lead me to keep seeking out the platform or the person more and more in order to fill that void, the entire time feeling more and more helpless, until I finally told the person I didn't want to keep feeling like this so I left them or left the platform. When I practice detachment, I notice that I feel more at ease and more free with people like I can come and go as I please without my feelings being subjected to changes in the frequency of our meetings. However, it is such a foreign concept to me, that I have to constantly revisit it over and over again. I will start meeting people and I am sort of excited about it. I appreciate everyone's kind words. In a way I sort of always wanted to get over this girl and get this job and date locally. In another way, I feel like the fantasy is sometimes more powerful then the reality of being in an actual relationship. I need to work on that part of me that grows tired of the person and has patience when things feel difficult in the relationship or when I start to lose attraction to the person. I know my feelings are fleeting but sometimes they feel so powerful it makes me act compulsively. Anyways, I will keep approaching and talking to women and overcoming my fears, I noticed that when I did that it felt empowering and I felt liberated.
  12. I posted in cyber relationships a month back about how I fell very deep into this online situation with a girl 15 years my junior. Looking back at it now, I am realizing how I ignored so many red flags from the start and allowed my savior complex, coupled with my co-dependency issues to allow the situation to stew for much much longer then it needed to. In retrospect, I've probably been in the situation before without even realizing it and somehow blamed this individual for all of my issues feeling that somehow I had been wronged; when in fact they were just a catalyst for my pathologies. What happened was this individual played up the victim card, blaming their ex for all of their issues while requesting unrealistic amounts of attention and care. Eventually, when I started to pull away, they just triangulated the situation onto another individual using the same online platform. It's basically the perfect storm for people to engage in these types of behaviors, you get to watch as they hop from man to man leaving you feeling defenseless and worthless. When confronted on the behavior (how they was being controlling, not wanting me to engage with other females) and expecting me to stay up all night on voice calls, other behaviors, etc. The response was denial and gaslighting. I'm possessive, I'm controlling, I'm jealous, meanwhile they are literally engaging in every single behavior that they were trying to shame me for (sexting other men) and denying it the entire time. I've spoken to other guys on the platform who were manipulated by this person (they confirmed the behaviors) and the story is the same. Love bombing, getting lead on while talking to other guys and doing (things...), just giving you enough hope to keep you in the game but never committing and always keeping their options open to get as much narcissistic supply as possible. Sometimes, its so difficult when someone so young and attractive gives you this sense of hope. On the bright side, I recently started approaching women and overcoming my fear of rejection. Additionally, I received a decent offer from a company as a remote software developer. I know my future is bright and my options open. There's a small part of me that keeps thinking if I just did this, or that, or made her jealous or tell her I got an offer that it would fix things. I'm still working on that part of me that needs acceptance and praise from people. I'm still working on my need for external motivation and my self esteem issues. I'm worried I will keep attracting these types of women in the future. There are moments where I feel bored and lonely. Lately, I've been working out and fasting and I've lost between 13-14 pounds in a month. Its so hard for me to enjoy my present situation, and I am still not believing that things are going good for me even thou this offer will be the most I've ever been paid in my entire life and my health is as good as its been in years. I wish I could stop living in the past. I hope this post serves to help others who are going through similar situations and I wish people the best.
  13. Alright thanks brother. I’m going to try this moving forward. Much love and thanks for the support.
  14. I feel like it’s hard to secure a relationship with a girl when sex isn’t involved. The faster I have it, the safer I feel and the more comfortable I feel around the person. Sometimes I don’t like to invest too much energy in dating someone who might not be into me romantically. This has happened to me a lot in the past, and it traumatizing to me every time I know a girl is dating several people at once. I hate having to compete for attention and if turning it physical means there’s less competition for me down the road, then I feel compelled to go there. I realize what your saying or correct, but my insecurities always get the best of me. I guess I don’t feel worthy enough for people to want to be with just me and not my body. Do other men struggle with this too, why do I feel like I sound like a female?
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