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junebug123

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About junebug123

  • Birthday 01/29/1986

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  1. That's where you need to step back and not get confused with what's right for you, versus what she feels is right for you. It would be easy for you to tell her you don't need her help, if there wasn't any guilt attached to supplicating her needs; and prioritizing them over your own.
  2. Is it possible to schedule time to spend with her? Maybe its less about her helping and more about feeling the need to support you. I know that even thou I am an adult my mom still loves being in that role of the protector and care giver. Sometimes having that ability makes us feel strong and competent, people more then anything want to be needed and cherished.
  3. I usually call these AIDS angels in disguise. They sometimes provide a window into our own life's more then theirs. This person probably had a parent or boss who constantly told them what to do, and is probably just emulating that behavior. Personally, some people like that sort of attention, others find it annoying. Sort of just depends on if the advice is helpful and it can often be a mixed bag, great to have those people around if you need structure and organization in your life, but can be annoying if you are more inclined to be strong willed and independent. I would probably just wonder why they advice is getting under your skin? I can imagine a child or animal trying to pull me in a direction, and just being firm with them letting them know in a controlled manor that I am in control of the situation and their input isn't necessarily. Of course if your insecure yourself, you will feel like this person is trying to control you. Sort of like the way a new employee offers advice to management and management sort of lets them know in a respectful but often firm way, that they are in charge...
  4. I am in the process of signing the contract. It doesn't mention anywhere about contract to hire, I guess it didn't say that on the other contract either. If the contracting company tells me its a contract to hire position, is there a possibility that they are simply lying and after the contract ends ill just be terminated, even if I performed my duties well? My current contract is for a year and a half. Even if I stay the six months and don't get an employment offer, it will still be good experience but for this decision and future decisions am I always rolling the dice as a contractor?
  5. I attended the second interview today and my recruiter said that they will make a formal offer, even thou I feel like I did terrible in the interview. There were so many questions in relation to technologies that I wasn't familiar (multi threading, nosql, cloud computing, etc. etc.) with but, I guess the market is so limited for developers that they still went ahead and figured they could just train me anyways. If you have read any of my prior threads you would realize that I am an extremely neurotic individual, so its not uncommon for me to assume the worse. I told others that I would attend therapy once I got health benefits but I have still yet to do so. I am feeling very uncertain about this move and the pressure which will probably come with the new position. Not really sure if the workload will be more or less or consistent with my current occupation, and never worked at a company this large before so that will also be new to me. Right now we are moving forward with the onboarding process of showing proof of payment from prior positions, drug test and background check. Of course all of this is nerve racking and a huge red flag is that one of the positions that I listed on my resume was a person project, but of course without having that there my chances of being contacted by recruiters would have dropped significantly. I am going to try to stay engaged at my current occupation although I have already leaked to one of my close co workers (another contractor) that I interviewed at this other company and admitted that it didn't go well. I am realizing after the fact, that was stupid but as I have few people to confide in, I guess I made a mistake with that one. Probably I will not reveal anything because if I don't get an offer for whatever reason I just jeopardized this current position. I feel like I should be happy right now, but all I feel is uncertainly as to how everything will unfold. Maybe some survival mechanisms never leave us, even in the best of times...
  6. Recently I acquired a job doing programming at a relatively small shop which has about 8-9 developers. I am employed as a contractor and am currently in a position where the company has trouble finding individuals with my skill set and knowledge of the codebase database. 3 months into the project a recruiter from an old interview who I thought had ghosted me asked me to interview with one of their clients. This is an extremely large company and the pay is 27k more then I am currently making and has a 3-6 month contract to hire period. The current situation is a contract for a year and a half and potential for contract to be extended for an addition year after that. Also, the company seems to like me so its possible they might offer employment, but from what I am noticing that doesn't happen very often. My next interview for the larger company is on Monday and it is supposed to be more of a formality, as I already interviewed with one of the hire ups and was forwarded to talk to a manager for one of the departments I will be working for. My recruiter called me to say that the client wanted to pre-close me, meaning they wouldn't bother going with the second interview if I wasn't interested. And let me know that there is usually a 2-3 week period before the position is finalized. My fear is that this position will either be a lot more work, micro management, structured and controlling then my current position. Yet, I fear if I reject the offer that I will be blacklisted from applying for this company in the future. Also, let's just say the company is in the top 50 of fortune 500 companies so having this on my resume will look extremely nice even if I just stay there for a short period of time (2-3 years). Have you been in the position before and what are the reasons for not accepting the offer. I really don't want to accept the offer and be fired because the job is too difficult or demanding. This is probably my worse fear as I have already secured a relatively good position and developed rapport with management and co-workers.
  7. You are indeed a wiseman. I used to believe that my exhaustion stemmed from me being anemic. I know there are people from my fathers side that have sickle cell. The truth is that in the past I’ve had blood work done and none of these things ever came back in any tests. Later on I realized that the exhaustion was more due to my lack of activity and unwillingness to go out and move my body. Since I’ve started exercising more and eating healthier, I’ve noticed that I can recover faster when I’m tired. There was also the problem of my addiction to caffeine. Having a reclusive personality means that I’d rather stay inside a lot read books, or watch education/recreational videos. Times when I had to study would be unbearable because reading technical books can be very dry especially when most of them are 250-500 pages long. I would usually read 6 - 8 of those books a year. So drinking energy drinks or caffeine would make it fun, but it would ruin my adrenal gland and disrupt my sleeping patterns. As another commenter said, I think it’s largely mental, waking up feeling like how I can make it through this day and having thoughts just makes me tired. On days when I am excited and looking forward, my energy levels are almost manic and it’s extremely hard for me to calm down. Sometimes I think I have borderline with my mood shifts. Either way, I will get the blood work done. As another poster said I need to break my old habits. Thing is, the negative thoughts usually flood me at night time. I was neglected a lot as a child to a single mother who worked and went to college. So even in my dreams beautiful women reject me. In real life, I reject myself most often not realizing that I am capable of being loved. I often delude myself into thinking she just using me for attention/money there’s no way she could really be attracted to a disgusting creature such as myself. I place too much value on looks, never realizing it was my personality pushing people away the entire time. Also, I realize I need to set goals. I need something to look forward too, I guess your right give myself some time to get acclimated and eventually I can start to be more proactive. If I am getting tired and staying up late it is also because my brain is being engaged a lot, and transitioning from reading documentation and watching videos on programming all day, to doing relatively nothing afterwards is difficult. I think I am just addicted to stimulation and attempts at cutting back have always faired well. When I stop engaging in instant gratification, my mood is boosted and I am often happier. But my only coping mechanism for dealing with depression is these types of things. So the feelings just come and I can fight them off for a few days at a time doing puzzles or going for walks. Yet, it’s a chronic distress and eventually the negative thoughts become so overbearing that I cannot bear to keep doing puzzles or journaling. It’s so sad, because I know what I need to do, but overcoming the neglect just makes me feel lonely, and if I just get stuck in this loop of feeling lonely and bored all the time...
  8. I started this job which I had been working towards for the past two years. To be honest it’s sort of a dream for me, but also it’s a lot of pressure and it’s the most I’ve ever made my entire life. Right now, I’m sort of just studying a lot because I’m going to be working on this really big software project and I’m exhausted like everyday. After work, I just try to exercise as much as I can so I can fall asleep because I have really bad insomnia and I sit down all day. When I got my first programming job, I told myself I would start dating more and meet people, but I was just tired all the time and on the weekends I didn’t want to stress myself more. I wanted time to decompress and sometimes at night I stay up more because I feel like I don’t have enough time to myself. I keep lying to myself saying I will change when I get this job, but just like before I just put money in the bank and don’t think about it. Ultimately, I haven’t resolved a lot of the issues I have. Once I get health insurance I will start going to therapy so hopefully soon. The times when I fall asleep on time, my body wakes me up in 3-4 hours and then I stay awake another hour and then I fall asleep but I wake up feeling so tired. I finally realized that at the root of my problem is being entangled with other people’s identities, and not being able to have a strong sense of self. I always value others before me, and consistently put their needs before mine. It’s no wonder that I can’t stand to be in a relationship because, I have no idea of how to balance my energy and I get way too invested early on and it drains me. I’ve been keeping a journal and recently I’ve been reading a lot of my old journals. I was depressed to find out that I keep repeating the same patterns over and over without realizing it. Falling in love with girls and being heartbroken, and jumping from relationship to relationship always blaming my partner and never taking responsibility for my own behavior in the relationship. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t feel so lonely at night, but it’s such a long and chronic distress pattern. I keep believing that I can eventually overcome these feelings, but even talking to my friend and sharing my thoughts with him today, he’s surprised at how defeatist I can be and obsessive when it comes to women. I wish I had his attitude, but he has an abundance mindset and he’s so easy going and so invested in so many social situations. I envy his ability to adapt, I wish I could develop those skills without putting in the time or effort. I have intelligence, health, and work ethic; but I am lacking in every other aspect of my life. Sometimes I feel like it’s not even worth it to be successful if I have to be so miserable all the time.
  9. Thanks. I guess I’ve always been into the sort of rocker/goth aesthetic, but what you are saying is on point. I just imagine these types as being more sexual because I’m projecting my own desires on to them.
  10. Don't make excuses to engage in wishful thinking. I've done this on a few occasions and it gets me no where. Look to see if she actually talks to other males, if that's the case then chances are she probably isn't as interested as you and maybe you should focus your energy else where. I guess that's difficult when your crushing hard.
  11. I just have a hard time trusting people I guess.
  12. Well, not really but I have done some play with some of these types of individuals and I wonder if I might enjoy this with a real partner. I guess it’s just a fantasy at this point, part of me feels sort of awkward about bringing this up to someone though.
  13. I have asked a few girls. But the typical response is that they don’t actually have higher drives, they just like this type of role play. Theres something about it that sort of turns me on, but my feeling is once the concept becomes less foreign to me the sort of veneer will lose its appeal as well. I suppose I have trouble following my intuition. Is this more typical of men, I hear that women are much better at trusting their guts and more willing to follow through with their issue feeling on a subject matter. There are times when I spend too much times ruminating over situational circumstances trying to come a consensus.
  14. I’m just sort of curious about this subject. I have sort of been dabbling in this forum where there are a lot of girls who where collars and considered themselves to be submissive. Is this just an act to attract males, there’s some part of me that acknowledges that people want to be part of communities and feel connected to others which share mutual interests. The part that’s confusing to me is has anyone been in a vanilla and bdsm relationship, is there much of a difference in the sexual frequency of the individuals or is it just a different type of play that people engage in?
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