reinventmyself

People typically don't end relationships this way unless they have been thinking about it for some time. His response feels a little gas lighting. My sense he's guilty of something but says this to you in an attempt to get you to take the entire blame. I wouldn't be surprised if they end up being a couple or at least he makes a play for her. I'm sorry. I get you had a low moment and wished you handled it differently. But at the same time almost anyone would feel the way you had in that moment. I wouldn't handle the idea well that my man moved in with a crush (past or otherwise) wined and dined her alone and then after ignoring my phone call, broke up with me because I was uncomfortable with it all. If you were important to him and the dinner was nothing more than innocent, he would have taken your phone call. If it had been one of his guy friends, would he have taken your call? He chose her over you in that moment. Don't look back. He's not the guy for you.

Start small. When you see each other say something upbeat like "we need to stop meeting like this" and carry on. Measure his reaction. Go from there. See if he reciprocates. And no, I am not 26 but even us older folks know how to flirt 🙂

This caused me to recall a moment in my life when I was about 20. I went on a lunch date with a man who was a few years older than I was. When I came home and my mom asked how my date was and I mentioned to her that it made me uncomfortable that he kept telling me dirty inappropriate jokes. I was still pretty naive but the same time I sensed something wasn't right. My mom pointed out that he was likely testing me to see what kind of girl I was. Needless to say I didn't go out with him again.

It's looking like the shift at the equestrian center could happen after all. Unfortunately, the original plan for me to take over the full four days is off the table, for me. They don't know that yet. After 7 months my life has gone on and I have either committed to other things midweek and/or I don't have the desire to do it any more than the 10 hours I do now. I just can't imagine sitting there bored any more than I do now. It just doesn't bring me joy, I keep saying. The person who worked Sat's quit and Randi picked up that day. So, at this point we are no longer over staffed. If offered the days that Randi works so she can move on to the much anticipated project, I'll turn it down and offer to stay until which time they hire someone. Which translates me to not having a job. Which may be ok now. I think the rush to fill the void was the original motivation. I need to see how not working at all suits me again. Not sure how long that will last before I get restless again. Summer has proved to be busy so I may be fine. We'll see. For them, this will put them in a bind, but I can't worry about that. I have to own my own messy stuff that I had to acknowledge the other day. One of those 'ah hah' moments. I realized how much my previous job shaped me. 18 yrs of being the answer lady. Staff basically only spoke to me if they were upset or needed something. That and being in a management position, it wasn't easy to have friends at work. This experience was talked about amongst managers, and HR encouraged us to cultivate relationships with other managers. Unfortunately for me, other managers were my most demanding customers, often times unreasonably. So, I avoided them too. 18 years of avoiding people isn't an easy thing to just stop doing. Previous jobs, second to my paycheck, the greatest benefit was the lifelong friendships I made. I look back at the old me and I was very social at work. Compared to almost 2 decades of avoiding difficult people has really shaped me. That and the sad ending to my career and the way it shook out, I recognize how guarded and mistrusting I am at the equestrian center. I don't say much and I am cautious. Not too much unlike my previous job, horse boarders only talk to you when they want something and are upset. It's just not a good fit for me. I also notice a pattern of not making the effort to reach out to friends the last few weeks. I think pre covid there was always group activities going on and there was no need to make the effort, rather just join in on weekly outings with a group of friends. During covid friends divided and then multiplied in other ways. The typical characters no longer seek each out the way they used to. I didn't have to make any effort to initiate anything, we all just joined in. I now need to push myself to make phone calls. It's been a busy month with two vacations, 3 birthdays and other busy things. But even with that I feel so out of the loop with my girlfriends and not used to having to make this type of effort. I know it's not healthy, but I feel resistant to do it. Avoidance is my middle name sometimes. Needed to write this down to push myself to pick up the phone today.

Was wondering the same. So sorry about your Mom as well ❤️

Crazy that it's gone this far! Sorry this is happening. Hoping the stay at your parents helped pick up you up a bit.

Try readjusting your way of thinking. Dating and seeking women who match your social economics / or the desire to find a woman with character and goals that match yours. If that's what's keeping you stuck in a soul draining field that doesn't bring you joy, then that negative mindset probably isn't going to bring the right woman into your life to begin with.

A young couple I know just moved from an apt to renting a home. They purchased second hand washer and dryer and they work fine. I get it's a gamble. But it worked out for them.

just going on personal experience here: LDRs work if both people and very independent and are comfortable without a constant companion. The other side of that, is if someone is that independent and if the end goal is to ultimately be together that same independence that lent to the LDR working makes living together a challenge. Both parties need to be equally open minded about moving either direction. If one person hides their agenda, that they'll sway the other without even considering making the move themselves is unfair. I was in two ldrs. (90 mins apart) The second one, I went in fully knowing better. Sharing with him upfront that we both needed to be open to moving either way or it wouldn't work. Ultimately the one that moves usually makes the sacrifices. In the end neither ever intended to move my way. I would have moved, but resented they hid their agenda hoping to sway me and around 2 yrs in admitted they would never consider leaving their areas. One worked from home and rented a room from a friend. No children and he wasn't close to his family. The other retired early, owned his home, had very little of a social life or family in the remote area he lived. I had sons, an elderly mother I moved close to me, work, my own home, pets, a large circle of friends, yet I still spend a lot of anxious energy wrapping my head adjusting to the idea of moving their way. I was also subjected to a lot of coercing. I wasn't happy to realize in the end that they never once considered moving my way. At least not that I am aware of. It wasn't that I wouldn't move their way. I wasn't happy about making what felt like all the sacrifices to join them in the lives they had that seemed almost transitionary to begin with. From where I sat, there wasn't much of anything keeping them there anyway. JMO. They so much as admitted their lives felt unfulfilled and lonely. My life on the other hand was full and at times overloaded. I'd like to believe we didn't go into it with the plan to manipulate the situation in our own favor. I think we just aren't really honest with ourselves. After having been through it twice, even though I was open minded, I realized the sacrifices were too much for me. I think we tend to go into it all starry eyed believing we would follow that person to the end of the earth. But when it comes down to it, it's just not that easy. At least, that's my experience. It requires you to be consider everything very logically and work at not being swayed so much by your heart.

Her wanting to keep her dogs is just as valid as you not wanting them in your life. There is no right or wrong. No reason to state your case. You are totally entitled to feel the way you do. So does she. You need to remember, wanting her to do away with her dogs, though you didn't come right out and say that, is no different than wanting a mother to rehome her children. It just isn't going to happen. Continue to live separately or consider this a mismatch.

If you have a fulfilling sex life, then his private time is a non issue. If those few times he pleasures himself could otherwise be spent with you, then that's a problem. He doesn't really have that low of a libido if he's pleasuring himself when you aren't around.

having recently semi retired, I had to sit down and do this. I've revised it over and over. And YES, it's the unplanned expenses that throw you off! In a very big way. I never really noticed them until I had too, now. Add in gifts, because there seems to be a birthday every time I turn around. Consider the cost of Christmas (if you celebrate) Do you ever plan to travel? Even if it's a weekend getaway. Medical copays, prescriptions, deductibles. Taxes, if you have to pay. My newer oven just stopped working!... and so on. "Unplanned" Sooo out of the box I can't list them all. But they definitely effect my budget. Add into your budget a line amount for *unplanned. Lastly, felt the same way about IKEA. But I find that over the years, the quality has improved. Considering it likely won't be your "forever" it's a good affordable option.

If one person is no longer interested in logging in and/or deactivated their account. . . And the other keeps their account active or is still shopping, then you two aren't on the same page. You didn't share if you two were being intimate or dating others. But personally, I wouldn't sleep with someone who was still shopping. It's their prerogative and if that's where they are at in their life, I'd encourage them to continue doing so. But that person wouldn't be someone I would get attached too. Someone who continues to log on and knows that anyone, including you can see it, is someone who isn't concerned about losing you.

I doubt he accidently let you see the provocative pics on his phone under the guise of you showing you his dog. Telling you that you are inexperienced and comparing you to someone else and saying it was because you didn't "court" him by sending him pictures is manipulative and crass. You aren't inexperienced if you caught on to this and the fact it made you uncomfortable is what you should listen to. An inexperienced person would fall for his game. You didn't.

This is very much like an addiction. Much like abstaining from alcohol or drugs, the withdrawal gets much worse before it gets better. You feel the tension and anxiety building and run back into the fire to relieve the discomfort. The problem being, you are running into the fire. If you were to look at it this way and anticipate that you will indeed feel awful, you can rest assured that at the other end of this will be some peace. From what you've shared, it would be well worth it. Let go of this dysfunctional, miserable relationship. It is a waste of your best years. Spend some time single, surround yourself people that support you and bring out the best in you. . . and heal.

I too carpooled with a coworker, round trip, 3 hours a day for 5 years. He was married. I was single. I will say in close proximity over a course of time we found ourselves tipping over into personal conversations. I had to keep in mind that crossing a line, even if it very innocent lent to us bonding more and more. When you consider we likely spent more time talking then he might have with his wife in any given day, it felt a little precarious at times. We were aware of this and set some boundaries. It was all very appropriate. But I can see how two people could cross that line if they didn't possess strong characters with healthy boundaries. It helped that I had a friendship with his wife. Often times when I dropped him off, I would go into their home and visit with the both of them.

I couldn't keep track of all the "he said, she said" All in all, people will only mess with you if you let them. How about tuning out all the noise? People only mess with you if they can get a reaction. If you stop rewarding them with a reaction, it will no longer be fun and they'll find something else to do. This comes down to having a little more confidence in yourself. You can't control others, but you can control your reaction. If you are confident in who you are and how you conduct your life, what others say won't matter. Your real friends will know this. If your new guy has any character, he'll stand by you. If he's easily swayed by the nonsense from others than he's not the guy for you. Ultimately, step back and let the ex spin around telling stories. If you smell a rat everyone else will too. Trust that it will be a petty, bad look on him. Take the high road and ignore the nonsense.

What her intentions are only really matters if you are interested in something more than friendship. You didn't elaborate. . .Are you interested in something more?

My brother and I have never been close. During my mom's final week's her only wish is we would become closer. She spoke to each of us privately several times. My brother and I spent a considerable amount of time together during this time and shortly after, having to go through Mom's house and prepare it to sell after her passing. We made concerted efforts to keep in touch and get together for the first year, partly by necessity and the other half, honoring Mom's wishes. Here we are over 3 yrs later and we've slipped into our old patterns. We rarely speak and only see each other at Christmas. It just goes to show we are pretty entrenched into our dynamics, coupled with our personalities. Zero hard feelings. It's just about acceptance.

It will be difficult to advice you on the specific incident without taking into consideration the relationship as a whole. But, if you need an answer, no! Do not reach out to him. Do you not believe you deserve better than this?

Beautifully said!

The early stages is when we should be paying very close attention to differences and incompatibilities. You need someone more consistent, and he is showing you he's not. He's not a bad texter, he just doesn't need to communicate with you as much. Does this meet your needs and when the newness wears off it the contact will likely shift even more. Are you willing to invest more into this that isn't making you feel good today? I won't touch the long distance, no phone calls, cyber relationship thing. . it's already been covered.

Maybe some couples counseling may be in order. Suggestions might be better received from a third party. This seems to be brewing for some time. It's only become more apparent with you around more during this time off. What happens when you retire? What will be waiting for you then?

Having been that person at 26, who had male friends that I spent a couple days a week with- had any of us had any romantic inclinations - I would have never invited my then bf to spend time with us. The fact that he's transparent and you have an open invitation is very good thing. Having said that I had two best friends that were male that I spent a considerable amount of time with when I met my then husband. He had an open invitation and got to know them. I could sense he might have felt a little sketchy about it to begin with, but with a little faith and confidence he was open minded about it. Ultimately, he became equally friendly with the two guy friends. Had there been anything other than friendship, the risk would be too high that any tension would have been picked up on. Afterall, we are looking for it, right? I have had bf's in my life that either protested or became insecure. They are no longer in my life. Not that my way is right, but it is how I choose to live my life. An opposing value such as this isn't a good fit - for me. I don't know about your boyfriend's character. But from everything you have shared, I think you've got a good handle on this. The meltdown might have been something you could have shared with a girlfriend, because though you deny it was directly related to the gal pal, it was however what brought this all on. It comes across as indirect request dressed up as something different. Please be aware it's now on his mind and you've shown a light on this as being problematic. Either way he's on notice.

It just goes to show, you aren't alone. Sadly this is more common than not.