reinventmyself

Oh wow J, what a shock. The timing and all. I am so sorry and at the same time so glad you had those moments with her. Imagine had you waited just a few weeks longer? Life has a weird way of working out. Just when you think you have things figured out. What a journey you've had from when you first opened the door to all of this. I am so sorry about Ellens passing. Take care of yourself. This all has to be a lot to process.

Because he ended it to work on himself? And not because it had anything to do with you? People don't hold the same value over having people on their social media and don't feel the need to extricate them over a passing meeting. He likely thinks you are a fine person, just not the fine person for a situationship for him at this time. I wouldn't give it much value. He doesn't appear to.

Do you view the definition of sex as penetration? And if this is all indeed normal, would you behave this way in front of his girlfriend?

Too be fair it could not have gone for 2 hours unless both parties participated. Not to minimize his reaction but you can only fight with someone who fights back. Learn to shut it down quickly. I learned to say something like "Good to know. Thanks for that sharing that with me" rather than engage it. If he's just looking to push your buttons he won't stop there and will likely continue. No need to play the game where you need to fight to be right.

I was in a relationship where I found myself having to defend myself over what seemed to be little things such as this. If it wasn't minigolf, it was something else. It wasn't about the event, it felt more about someone who was trying to wear me down. I understood we were having different experiences, but my gut told me his aggressive reaction didn't seem fitting of the particular moment. I started to pay attention to how often I found myself in this position where I was defending myself. Defending myself in what seemed nonsensical things. I began to not allow him to bait me and when it got to be too much, it was time to leave. We aren't there, it's hard to say. But some of what you shared sounds as if it didn't have much to do about the game, but more of an opportunity to push you off balance and wear you down. My guess is this event will pass with some breathing space, but I'd be on the watch to see if happens again or continues.

Projection. Do you want to peek of what's going on inside of him? Pay attention to how he makes you feel. He said all of these things to you to break you down and feel awful about yourself and question yourself. It's as if he dumped all his toxic emotions on your doorstep and ran in hopes you'll walk around wearing them so he doesn't have to. All in all, it's ok to love someone and at the same time recognize they are not good for you.

To each their own. No judgment here. But it's a no for me. I need an emotional connection to go along with it and that can't happen on a first date.

Yah, I still may golf with my bf, but not as much as I used to. And we go into it with some boundaries. He's over the top competitive and plays in men's clubs. I am a novel golfer, who doesn't keep score and picks up my ball. I don't take it seriously and it's like a religion for him. We are both better off when I play with my girlfriends. It's easier on our relationship too. . .lol

Yikes! His acting out is nothing more than a reflection of how unstable he is. This isn't at all about how much he cares. It's about his ego. He called you a c*. right? Consider some therapy. If this is how you measure feeling loved, then you are a target for more abuse.

You didn't say how old you two are. I agree with others. He can admit he has an issue with commitment, but what exactly is he doing to change it? Wishing it away won't work. And if he is indeed avoidant, that is intrinsic in him, it is likely originated from his temperament (which won't change) combined with his upbringing (which won't change) My oldest son was pretty commitment phobic for about 10 years, frustrating girlfriends along with way. Different women brought out different things in him. He has finally met someone that is well suited for his personality. He feels very content and settled for the first time, and he will likely propose before the end of the year. There was a time he told me he would never marry or have children. It took a couple broken hearted, very unhappy ex's before he got there. You two do not bring out the best in each other. After 9 months and no progress, I'd move on. Being held at arms distance never feels good.

If you haven't done a lot of online dating, you will discover that this happens more often than not. Trying to decode a stranger's behavior is a waste of time and energy. Where this is an unknown just fill in the blank with something that makes you feel comfortable. She has a terminal illness, mental issues that need to be addressed, social anxiety, husband and children. There are good number of people looking for nothing more than electronic entertainment and have no intention in meeting in real life. As you have just experienced, it was all fun until you got attached and it seemed like the next natural step was to take it to another level. That's about the moment she went dark. Learn to suss them out quickly to make room for people who have the same intention as you.

I agree. I don't think being called competitive a bad thing. My bf is super competitive. I wouldn't immediately go the negative and feel as if I needed to defend myself. Especially if I felt otherwise. "Really?. . I've never been told that. Something I'll give some thought to" and let it go. Just note that he likes to play by the rules. Also, not a negative, just a preference. The comment about you cheating in other ways went way too far, however. Yet he accused you of gaslighting? Interesting. I'd let this one blow over. You two are still learning things about each other and this was a great lesson. The details aren't important here. It's the way you two handled it. I would definitely have my eyes wide open going fwd. 3-4 month mark, we start to show our real selves.

I haven't been in this market for quite some time and I get it can be difficult to rent. But at the same time, I can't fathom signing a one year lease for a place that I can't see beforehand. Something just doesn't seem right here.

Imagine 8 more years of the same? How will you feel about him then? You are at risk of feeling resentful and possibly mad at yourself that you didn't think you deserved better. It may be hard but you only get one life.

He has a laundry list of road blocks in place in order to not participate in a committed relationship. he hasn't fully moved in and dismisses you when you bring it up he leaves every morning to go to what still appears to be his other home he's overly attached to his father (debatable) nevertheless it's the excuse he uses he uses porn excessively and is now unable to be intimately connected with you he is neither transparent nor trustworthy he won't allow the relationship to evolve and move forward, rather he keeps it at status quo. You are the only one fighting for this to be a healthy equitable relationship. He's doing the opposite. And it works for him. It's not a coincidence. It's all very intentional.

Just buy a bed and kitchen and bathroom necessities. One time I moved into an apartment and I just used my beach chair in the living room for a couple days. I put my tv on top of a moving box. Another time I bought a home full of furniture. I stayed in my original home and came to the new one for the scheduled deliveries. Even though I had access to the condo and carefully measured everything out, I regretted having purchased the living furniture prior. You don't really know the orientation and the flow of the room until you've at least spent a little time there. The scale of my coffee table was too big and the sofa and loveseat were never a good fit. Every wall has either a door, sliding patio door, window or fireplace. I had to live with the furniture for years before I bought something new that actually fit as it should. At one point I had my sons move the loveseat to the upstairs bedroom. But I wouldn't have known that without having lived here first.

It may have been covered already but there are hair pieces that are called "systems" They are actually glued on and can't be taken off. You go to a salon that specializes in this about once a month to have it removed and maintained. They shave the portion of your head that it adheres to clean and prep and it's reapplied. You can swim, bathe and wash it. I dated someone for a short time who had one. Being a cosmetologist years ago I can spot things pretty quickly. It wasn't until I reached to touch his hair he told me about it. He was pretty good natured about it. It seemed a little bit of a shame because he was a very good looking man with or without hair. My bf of 5 years started losing his hair just out of high school and today he shaves what's left totally bald. I love the mentions of how most alter our looks in one way or another. Extensions, eyes lashes, etc. It really isn't any difference. No need to bring it up. Imagine a man outing you for wearing spanx! . . lol. It's bound to come up naturally. No need to disclose that you know. I would think that would make him uncomfortable that you needed to bring it up. It gives it more importance than it deserves.

Sometimes we need to take a step back and resist trying to manage things and allow them the opportunity to step up. You shared how it happened once, that he didn't initiate. But you quickly moved back into the space you created for him to meet you half way. I think your anxiety is getting in the way a bit here. At the same time it's understandable. He could very well be passive about making plans. Ultimately will this be ok with you? I'd share with him your availability for the week and have him to let you know when he'd like to see you. As far as kids and dating. I was where you are at a one point. It went both ways. We go into it thinking it's fine. It's new and fun and we convince ourselves it will work. And then at some point one or the other realizes it really doesn't meet our needs. I totally understand your concern. That's why it's probably best to test it now, rather than later when you become more attached. Ultimately the kids come first. So, if it didn't work, it was for a good reason.

I'd be very put off by somebody professes their love for me after 2 weeks. Not flattered. You can't possibly know me in that amount of time, let alone love me. My next thought immediately goes to wondering what their agenda is.

People who fast track you into a relationship do so in the attempts to hook you before you get to know the real them. A healthy way to start a relationship is to take your time and once you have a chance to know them, decide whether or not to move forward. What is about him that he didn't want to you to take your time? Maybe because you would have found out all the things you just did by looking at his phone?? I wouldn't worry for a minute about what to say to him or how it might come across. I would just decide to throw this one back. Now you have a pretty good idea why he was trying to fast track you to begin with. He's got things to hide and had you taken your time they would have unfolded. Next time be leary of the 'insta relationship'

I am wrestling whether or not to get another kitten. No surprise that working at the animal shelter, in the cattery, I would get attached to a kitten. . or kittens*. I follow the shelters FB page and they update every time a cat gets adopted. I see certain kittens go and I feel my heart pull. I have a super senior cat and at 17, she very likely wouldn't be welcoming to a kitten. This particular little boy kitty is super calm. He'll sit on my lap, purred quietly while the rest of the gang go berserk with their antics. He rarely joins into the mayhem but would rather just watch. I am conveniently convincing myself that due to his temperament he may very well be able to bond with Macy. He's been there for a little while and approaching 4 months. So, he's not super young. I go back and forth with this argument in my head. My wish is I'd have a cat that I could halter train, would tolerate the car and I could bring back and forth to my bf's house. I had a boy cat once that would do this. We vacation in an rv pretty often and I've seen plenty of rv's with kitties chilling in the window. But a cat really has to have the right temperament to do this. It could be a gamble. I go back and forth on whether it would be best to be pet-less at this point in my life. At 17 Macy is in her final yrs and that could be realized here sooner than later. The freedom to come and go and not worry about them is enticing. But I've had cats for the past 20 yrs and I feel sad at the thought of not having these sweet little creatures in my life. As it is now Macy sleeps most of the time and refuses to come downstairs. I love her to bits but at this stage there isn't much interaction with her. I have a cat but I already miss having a cat around. She just isn't really *around. I am taking my next Tues shift off, so I won't be back to shelter until the following week. I feel a little nervous, that in my absence, he might be gone.

It's often about trusting yourself. Do you have what it takes to allow this to unfold and not forecast into the future? Not to say you go into it blindly. But based on all the information you have, can you take this one day at a time and see where it goes? After all, that's all you have. Had he been shady in his actions or words this would be a no-brainer. But, you have enough good to go on to at least have a little faith, live in the moment and trust you have what it takes to see how this plays out. Can you do it?

Dramatic events for my bf and his parents. S's Mom had surgery to remove a mass and found it cancerous. She was scheduled for another surgery to check her lymph nodes to see if it had spread. 5 days prior, she canceled the surgery. I understand her wishes, as my own mother had the same opinion. Why at 84 put yourself thru the possibility of chemo and radiation that robs you of a year or so of your life. Then another year to fully recover (if so fortunate) only to have a few years left anyway. Her quality of life is less than ideal already. Almost simultaneously, 87 yr old Dad is diagnosed with dementia and a significantly block carotid artery. Surgery is too risky for him, so no intervention prescribed. Typical sundowners for dementia patients and he starts acting out in the evenings. His latest, accusing his wife of having sex with the neighbor. It escalated to the point the other night that around midnight he's in garage looking for bat. His wife follows him into the garage to stop him and he pushes her to the ground. Mind you, she's in a walker and has a limited capacity. She goes back into the house and locks him in the garage. After him taking a hammer to the door, she realized it had gone too far and called the police. He was admitted to under a 5150 and held for 72 hours, just to return him home where he picked up with his ranting right where he left off. It took the hospital another 2 days to authorize a change in meds to sedate him in the evenings. The uncanny part is this is pretty text book, having experienced the same thing with my father having Alzheimer's, hurting my mother and calling the police. It's the most heartbreaking thing to see them go through and it brings up all sorts of memories that I try to forget. S is on a plane the following day and staying at their home indefinitely. He left saying he knew it had come time to place his dad in a full care facility. But the next dilemma is his mom can't live alone in another state. Sigh . . . He gets there and they pretend nothing's happened. Now it's a waiting game. His mom needs to be on board with a plan. The day his mother contacts him about the incident, S's landlord informs him the cute little house he rents is listed for sell. As if he doesn't have enough stress, he now will need to find a new place to live, while simultaneously trying to settle both parents with separate needs on their limited income. If bringing his mom home was an option, it's now off the table. It is looking more and more like he'll have to stay with her in another state. I tried to comfort him by telling him what he spends in rent will buy a lot of plane tickets to come visit. The older homes in his area are being scooped up swiftly and new modern 3 story homes are being built. Him staying in the home on the same terms is less than likely. It's a double lot with a tiny home built in the 30s. The property is listed for 2M. (sheeez) Oh, and if it wasn't enough S has had issues with his neck and shoulder that tend to come and go. About 3 weeks ago, it came and hasn't left. The pain is to the point that he can barely drive. He has to come home the 18th for an appt with an orthopedist. Or. . reschedule. Who knows how this will play out. I knew this time was coming. Maybe more so than he did. In a sad way I was preparing myself to lose him. At least to this degree. The new meds may buy his parents some time. It's hard to say, but it's merely a band aid. No matter which angle you view it, it's inevitable. At times it makes me mad. My parents anticipated these times. Even with that navigating their end of life business was grueling. Even with plans in place. How is it parents don't even contemplate it? It just seems selfish. I have my plan, a trust and a plan for my long term care so as to not burden my children. On the other hand, S's mom thought to buy a fully loaded large suv a couple years and no lie, their payment is $890 a month. Not to mention the gas and insurance. It costs them over 1k to have that new car sit in garage to go much of no where other than her hair appt and the grocery store. They previous owned a perfectly good car. S was livid. Shame on the dealership that thought to sign these two up for this! Imagining his tiny mom in a walker and dad shuffling behind her. Aaargh. It all makes me angry. But it's just not the time and place. S says when the time comes, he's driving the suv back to the dealership and tossing the keys on someone's desk and walking out. All of this is likely to crush S. We had dinner with friends the night before he left, a couple he's known for most of his life. When he shared what all was going on, he started to sob and excused himself from the room. It breaks my heart.

Of course. It's natural to feel that way. But you didn't create the bad terms and from what you've shared there doesn't seem to be any hope of you fixing them. Acceptance is the key here. Accepting that your parents are the way they are. We don't get to pick our families and for your own sake, you need to consider distancing yourself from them. You can choose times on your own terms to check in with mom. But with a safe healthy place to go you can find some balance and peace. I like the idea of moving with your grandmother. You can cultivate that relationship with her and the whole experience will bring you two closer. This may be all the family you really need. This isn't going to get any better the way it is.

What comes to mind is - happy well adjusted people arent attracted to unstable insecure people. In other words -water seeks its level. We are as healthy as the company we keep. You rushed into something unstable and despite all the evidence otherwise you are determined to keep this right side up. It appears you came here wanting to know how to fix your girlfriend. Instead of focusing so much on her, what does this say about you or your participation in this?