reinventmyself

Did those women end up being your girlfriend? And it seems you are looking for women to make the first move. Or at least give you a sign they are up for it. Do you ever just take the lead?

It's been 5 dates. Now you mention months. ? When are you exclusive? Whenever you two have an open conversation about it

I don't think 5 dates without sex is unusual at all. What are you looking for? Do you see any potential in this to be something more than just casual? Or is sex your end goal. Women are often relentlessly pursued for sex. Taking one's time to get to know one another susses out those who are just looking for sex. Instead of letting her know you are ready for sex, if you really like her, consider letting her know that instead. If you would like to take this to another level it terms of dating or a relationship, have that conversation with her and the rest will come. There is no timeline is which you can expect someone to have sex with you. It is not a given. So, try to change your expectation on this. You cultivate a relationship first. Or. . .just look for dates where women are more inclined for a casual hookup situation.

In some ways, it isn't healthy. It's very isolating and I lost myself along the way. My youngest son relentlessly asks me to provide full time day care for his 2 yr and now, their expectant daughter due in November. Interestingly, my DIL is a teacher and though she's off for summer, spring breaks etc, they still pay for day care so they don't lose their spot. And even if they may both be home they still drop off the 2 yr old at day care. Not everyday, but often. Honestly, my granddaughter loves day care. It's a win/win. As opposed to sitting in the house day in and out with a restless grandmother! So, neither of them would know what it would be like to do it 24/7, yet he has no problem asking me to make that sacrifice. I have my standard answer " I'd love to help, I'm available to babysit, but I- do- not- do- daycare"

Her friend is driving this show. Her friend should give up her time to sit with her. I know my comment isn't helpful. Sorry. I too had my gallbladder out. It took a couple weeks for the soreness of the surgery to go away. But I was back to work after 5 days. It took a few months before I figured out how to eat a little differently. (no fatty foods, smaller meals, etc) Everyone's experience is different. The only thing that stands out to me was that there was an infection prior and may still be lingering. But surely, with all the tests they would be on the look out for that. I would gently begin to step back. It's certainly more than reasonable to tell her you need to keep your job and you have no choice but to get back to work. Tell her you are supportive of her and will check on her throughout the day. But unless there is something concrete to work with, this is something you need to wean yourself away from.

The respect starts with you. If it the issue of sex comes up before I am ready, I let them know that I am not inclined to have sex with someone until I get to know them and if I think there might be some potential for something more. It comes from a place of confidence and self respect. If they push it, they aren't the guy for me. If a guy is really interested in you, he'll wait until you are ready (within reason of course. . meaning he won't wait forever)

I stayed home for 13 years, and this is what one might assume^^. Aside from the part about husbands feeling responsible for financially supporting the family, it wasn't until I went back to work that I realized the rouse. There are some studies that people are typically productive only 4hrs out of an 8 hour day. Though my job was busy at times and sometimes stressful, I spent time socializing, going for walks, one hour lunch with coworkers, two breaks. There were just as many slow days as there were busy. Now being on the other side and being able to compare the two, going to work was by far definitely the easier role. Being a mom and a housewife was 24 hours a day, if you count the times you laid your head on a pillow. Depending on the children's ages, you often didn't get any breaks, sleep, let alone social interaction. There was little or no "me" time. It was a totally selfless role where you took care of everyone else. Again, I consider myself very fortunate to have been home with my kids for the time I did. But I feel like I may have been drinking some koolaid, buying into the old stereotype that working fathers had it so hard. So hard they weren't expected to much in terms of taking care of the children. I've been on both sides.

Same here. At least 4. . that he admits too? That and the lying. Sounds like a serious character issue.

Good question. I guess everyone's experience is different. Maybe noble isn't the right word. I suppose I took a lot of pride in being a mom. Social conditioning at that time still encouraged traditional roles. I was ok with it, until I wasn't. .

. . .after posting these I just noticed the whole thread moved on to fine art. . lol

The mentions of getting dressed. I got up in the dark and dressed for work 5 days a week. I was barely awake. God forsaken panty hose, trips to the dry cleaners. Makeup blow, blowdryers. . ugh I have friends who love getting dressed up. Their jobs happened to have a casual dress code. I suppose I would enjoy dressing up too. Now I can't stand it! Give me jeans and flip flops any day. I can and do get dressed up, but my career definitely took the fun out of it for me. Makeup? For whatever reason I am allergic to anything on or around my eyes. I wear makeup, but the second I walk in I take it off. If not, I am all red eyed and rashy.

Raising my hand! Cannabis not my friend. In any form. Out with friends who enjoy a little buzz from gummies. It seems fun and they turn into a happy & giggly bunch. I've tried it enough times and never get the same reaction. I end up anxious and agitated. So, it's official, it's not for me. Add in, I have issues with anxiety as well.

I enjoy the insights into your marriage and your little family life. Sounds like you are definitely doing things the right way. What advice? Just continue doing what you are doing. You have a very positive view on things. I get the traditional role. And there is something very noble about it. I was very much that way, but as I said, when the boys were teenagers and developing a life for themselves. . along with their Dad, it was assumed that I would continue the role as nothing more than a housewife, while no one was in the house! I always owned my role, but at some point, the scales just tipped way too far. My ex was very misogynistic. I didn't want my sons to grow up viewing women the way their Dad did. I was acutely aware that their female peers were going to grow into adulthood without the desire to fulfill a traditional role. For that matter the young girls were very assertive and seem to have the upper hand on the boys. It seemed the tables had turned. Just don't lose yourself. I did. It was a long way out. Make sure you have other outlets and remember you are always more than a mom and wife. Resolve conflicts! Don't just sweep them under the rug. My marriage had 18 years of mostly unresolved issues. For every issue unresolved, imagine it a brick. Stack those bricks and ultimately the wall of bricks were too high to bring down. (My marriage had some serious kind of emotional abuse/control issues. . .And from the sounds of it, you have none of that) You probably are better equipped to having given me some advice and not the other way around ;}

I agree! It's all well and good that you have friendship with this man. But seeing he's married you both have to be practicing boundaries. Being someone's safe space suggests he can/or has confided in you. Intimate conversations create intimate connections. That lacks appropriate boundaries for a married man.

I have to admit, when I was young I might have viewed diamonds and size of them as some sort of status. My ex bought me a beautiful engagement ring with a rather large diamond (at the time) The size is probably considered conservative no adays' But I got a lot of attention over it. It was quite a prize. Several years later I realized it was not a measure of much, other than the money spent. The larger the diamond didn't mean you were privileged in any way and it certainly didn't mean you were loved more. Post divorce I took it to a jeweler and traded it in for a few pieces of smaller jewelry and a gift for my mother. My ex asked what I did with it, I thought he was going to faint. Today, yah it means nothing. For me, maturity teaches you what's really important. That isn't it.

oh. . I just saw this. Hoping this means you are all turning the corner! Sorry this happened.

Well, it was just a small insight of the imbalance going on in our household. That in itself wasn't the reason. And I was just like you. I was a stay at home and that was my job. Much like you to this day I have a hard time asking for help and much rather do it my way anyway. My DIL on the other hand works full time, she's highly educated with her masters, a teacher, writes and supervises the entire curriculum for her school district. Her job is very demanding. Yet she is being the prideful mom, like most of us and doing it all. I am either projecting my fears onto her or to be honest, I sense the toll, I hear the comments and she is getting weary. Especially with a second baby 8 weeks away. I remember when our oldest was almost 2 (they are currently 36 & 32) my father had a project that took my parents to Japan for two years. My Dad offered over and over to send me a round trip ticket to visit, but I needed to leave our first born home alone with his Dad for a week. I didn't trust him. About the time I was applying for my passport to go, I had a girls shopping/lunching day (which wasn't often) I left midmorning, came home late afternoon to find my husband talking to the neighbors and our 18 mo old son running around in his yellow footie pj's I had put him the night before. He had the same diaper as well! It was so full he could barely walk straight. He took one look at me and was hysterical. Dad was too busy chatting. I took him in and tried to figure out how to console him and only after sitting in his highchair double fisting food so fast I thought he'd choke it occurs to me his distress was that he was starving! Dad comes in and I asked him if he fed him at all. "he never asked!" Needless to say I never visited my parents. My Dad never forgot it and reminded me for years and years I didn't some visit. I funny irony is my mom would be in the background, rolling her eyes. She wouldn't have trusted my Dad alone with his children either. . lol Looking back there were so many situations like this. Fast fwd in my career and going through employee development training, this was a classic case of rewarding someone for doing a bad job. Staff member that can't handle a task, rather than rising to the occasion, it gets reassigned. It's not like my ex husband didn't know any better. He just knew he'd get relieved from his responsibility if he didn't do it right. And I reinforced this. I ended my marriage for a number of reasons.. . but the overall imbalance was one of the biggest themes. When the boys were older, social and rarely home I realized outside of being mom I had nothing for me. My ex stood in my way of anything, from going to school, friends or getting a part time job. I guess I might have assumed the inequity would only last when the boys were little. I didn't know that I signed up for a lifetime of being in a selfless role. I can't project my fears on my son. I love the boy more than life, but I didn't care for his smug comments yesterday. I sense my DIL's building discontent along with wanting to be super mom at the same time. Unlike me, she'd have options to leave and be fine. I really didn't. It's just a different time. They work equally hard. They should share the job of parenthood. (IMO) If she were my daughter I would chat with her. But as a mother in law, I know my place. So, my eyes are on my son. Doesn't mean it's my job to change it. This is their journey but if I see him doing it, I will decide whether or not to call him out. One last story. We used to vacation at the river a few times each summer. One summer, 3 families and we all had small children. The women "folk" sat in the house changing diapers. It was close to '110 outside, so not ideal for the little ones. The men "folk" enjoyed being on the river outside, the boats and water toys all day, drinking from breakfast to bedtime. In contrast to us moms who sat inside with playpens all over the living room. One afternoon, after us wives protested having sat inside for days, the husbands put us on a raft and dropped us off about an hour upstream with some cocktails. One hour of fun and we arrive back a little tipsy to the dirty looks and the scorn of the men. Let's just say that's that last time we went on our annual river trips until the kids were older.

The boys, their Dad and my youngest's best friend ended up golfing for his bday. I am glad he let someone do something for him. He's pretty good at keeping us all at arms distance most of the time. After golf we met at a brewery. My DIL, granddaughter and my oldest sons girlfriend all showed up. It was a nice afternoon, sitting outside eating pizza and celebrating. My son is a good young father. A little hands off or maybe best explained that his wife is supermom. A teacher and a perfectionist. My granddaughter is a mommy's girl. Mom being 7 months pregnant does not get a break. Dad steps back and allows her to all the work. Poor thing, whenever we get together, she doesn't get to sit still, chasing a toddler. Not to mention the boys are drinking and she's the driver. I watch her out of the corner of my eye and I swear she must be miserable, just tolerating these times. My granddaughter is very bright, very, very busy and quite a handful. I see myself in her. Super mom and I'll do it all. I see my ex in our son. Standing back and letting her do it all. He was actually joking about yesterday and his best friend who is a few years older and has two children cautions him. I took the opportunity to get my dig in. With the new baby on the way he'll have to step up. He still jokes about it and I share with him that I related to his super wife. I exhausted myself trying to be the perfect mom and at some point when it's too much and you aren't getting help you flip over to feeling resentful. I cautioned him he didn't want a resentful wife. He had a few beers, so I'm not sure if the advice was received. I learned along the way that advice is something you hope seeps through the cracks and it takes time for it to take hold. I've mentioned more than once I am available to help when the new baby arrives. My son asked me to stay with the 2 yr old when the moment comes and they are in the hospital. Granddaughter number one will not be happy with a sibling. She is totally glued to her Mom and I am pretty sure dividing her attention is going to be rough. It's a reminder that though I will be there to help in the beginning, I can't be doing things my son, now Dad of two should otherwise be doing. It's going to be interesting and I am pretty sure we are going to have another, or two discussions about this. In an 'ah ha' moment, my son says "I give her all the credit. she's great Mom' Hmmm. I used to hear the same declaration. I ate it up and it caused me try to be even more perfect and do it all. All I heard was the compliment. But in that moment I heard the subtle manipulation. The very thing that triggers a young mom to try even harder gives Dad even more excuse to step back. Because after all, she's doing it so perfectly.

If you lack the self control and can't resist contacting her, delete all forms of contact. I've done it. It's something I used to do immediately. I couldn't stomach the self loathing after having reached out, especially when it was a really bad idea. Honestly, if you needed the info for any legitimate reason in the future you can find it. But the instant access is tempting at time when you are feeling this low isn't a good idea. You will learn from this. The pain you are experiencing now will be future reminder. As far as being afraid to be alone, is a call to stay single for a while. You make poor choices in partners out of fear. You stay too long in relationships that no longer serve you when you are afraid. And you reach out to people who no longer want to be in a relationship you all out of that fear. Get busy and create a full life. Don't date until you can do it because you want to and not because you need to. You are young and you will meet someone someday and you will cherish her so much you, cheating would never cross your mind. This just wasn't the relationship for you.

I like that. . I'll have to remember it 🙂 Happy heavenly birthday to your Mom. Yep, not a day goes by. . .

A good number of people that struggle with emotional availability to different degrees get into relationships everyday and go on to get married. It doesn't make them cold or automatically avoid them. It just makes relationships a little more challenging for them and their partners. To be honest unless it's brought to your attention you don't even know that you're doing it

The sprinkling of these comments are indeed giving you an insight to his character and values. Do not underestimate this. I've been through this same thing enough times in my dating experiences and though I heard them, I made excuses and even dismissed it. Doling them out at intervals so early on appears that he's testing you or grooming you. 2 years from now you'll look back and you won't be able to say you weren't warned. Last ex started off with comments, "women should only see female doctors", "women only go out with other women to attract men" and so on. I heard them, shrugged and in some way just let him know my view was different. I kidded myself that that would be the end of it. It escalated into him showing his misogynistic and controlling ways. I really think he subconsciously hated women. I wish I would have been more like you and questioning my participation in this all together. . only four months in. I divorced for several reasons. One of them being I was raising two sons mostly alone, and I didn't want them to think it was ok to be influenced by a man (their Dad) who talked down to me as if women were nothing but hysterical, crazy and in a one down position. I wanted my sons to view women as equal partners and to be respected. I could go on. . but I am glad you are here asking these questions.

ewww. . .just reliving it takes me back. Need to shake it off.

I would have never fathomed my experience would be different. I managed to avoid my boss while in the office. Often for days at a time. He was erratic, needy and often triggered me. While working from home he basically harassed me, abusing the unsaid need to be accountable seeing that working from home was seen as a privilege. I didn't feel I could completely avoid him and just not take his call. Surely it must be important, right? Several times a day he dialed in unannounced on a zoom call. Having a face to face and the feeling this man was in my home that many times a day was grueling. At some point I would not take the zoom call and in turn call him back on his cell. He kept telling me he preferred the zoom calls. I didn't say anything and still continued to call him back on his cell. If I didn't take his call, he'd ask me where I was. It was so disrespectful, inferring I didn't have anything else to do but entertain him. He rarely had anything work related to really say and if so, it could have just as easily be shared in an email. He was just being super needy, kooky and it felt so inappropriate. I had to end most days with "meeting" with him and his boss, which ended up being this social hour where I watched to two of them chat and giggle about the weather and didn't participate. I wasn't getting paid for this. I was immensely grateful to not be on the freeway for 3 hours a day. But at some point, I yearned to be back in the office if it meant I could go back to hiding from him again. I'll stop my rant here. . one of the many reasons I quit. . .

Does this very good friend have a girlfriend?