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SwatTeamLeader

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  1. Thank you so much for everyone's responses and points of view, I genuinely appreciate them all. Overall, I think that genuinely, it is SUPER weird that he did that, but overall, I don't think it was really that bad, and moreover, I am not someone who needs visual stimulus, but if I was, I don't know that I wouldn't have done the same thing in his position. I hate that he did this, and I hate that I am having to deal with the reminiscents of how bad it was or wasn't. The point is. It was really creepy and really weird. However, He confessed (and he didn't have to), He was genuinely remorseful and disgusted in his own actions. And overall, he has told me that he will not do it again, and that he will be (and has been since then) honest with me, and being completely honest, I am content with that. I think that I am definitely putting myself out vulnerably to being extremely heart broken, but the same could be said about any relationship. I think that he is one of the most genuine people I've ever met, this post has just captured the absolute worst of the worst. Just as well, I don't think there is anyone over 18 who has never done something bad, who has never done something a little weird, or creepy without thinking too hard about it. He has said that he will not be the person his actions previously have displayed him to be. And if I could guarantee to all of you that he is being 100% truthful if that was possible, I think you might feel different. Since that is not possible, I will just say this; I believe him. And I am choosing to trust him again. I may be naive for this, but I'm 19 and I am allowed to be naive. This will go one of two ways, A) He will genuinely be who he says he is, and we will be happy together. or B) I'll find out he is just a liar and a creep, and I will be better off for having learned this lesson. That even the most genuine seeming people are what they're actions say they are. Pretty much, if I walk away now, I will always wonder if things could've been different. I think I am more likely to regret leaving too soon, then staying too late.
  2. This is such a hard situation and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with it. Overall I think you need to ask yourself if you honestly ever see him being 100% honest with you. If the answer to that is anything less than an "I genuinely feel like he can be honest with me and will be." Then you should probably leave. As someone who is on the tailend of a trust breaking relationship obstacle, the only reason I was willing to stay and keep trying is because I genuinely believe that my SO is being honest with me now. Repeat offenders are not it though, so especially if he's told you he would be honest and lied afterwards, I think you know what you should do. EDIT: It also could be noted that you could opt into a less common type of relationship with this person if this one isn't serving you, such as some kind of open relationship where you both honestly define the boundaries of what is okay and what is not within it.
  3. I respect that and am going into this with the knowledge that it may very well be the case. May I ask what you consider an "invasive" photo of someone to be in contrast to just a photo someone may have taken of a stranger?
  4. I had not thought about it in this way. Thank you for this perspective. I agree with you as well, It is not about the perfection of either but rather the values. In our relationship I had looked at and thought about others as well. Therefore I feel it is a bit hypocritical for me to call him disrespectful, when in a similar way, I was behaving the same. Based on the conversations we have had since all of this came out (on August 25th), I believe that our values and morals do align. We are very similar, and we do think very similarly, so it is rather easy for me to understand his thought process behind what he did. I do NOT agree with it, but I understand it. And what he did was not a premeditated want to be a creep. It was him being a teenager (this happened while he was 19) with no self control. We have discussed it extensively, and I have been clear that I am not interested in being with someone who has the values and impulse control of a teen. And being open and honest with each other is a large part of why I believe we can be okay going forward.
  5. I completely agree with everything that you said except for this ^ For one thing, it is not pedephelia for an adult to be turned on by another adult. It is pedophelia for an adult to be turned on by a child. I appreciate your point, but that situation does not apply to this one. His past was not meant to be an excuse for any of his behavior but rather a small part of what could've contributed to an explanation for why he would've felt compelled to do what he did. That being said, it was VERY creepy, but he did not do it BECAUSE it was creepy. If I may ask; why would it have been different if he had just stared at them to memorize what they look like and then thought about it later for sexual gratification?
  6. Thank you for your response, I am 100% not okay with what took place and it is not okay that he did it in the first place. Nothing that I said was in an effort to excuse his behavior. We have discussed the next steps going forward being centered around honesty. The fact that he was watching porn wasn't so much the issue for me, it was the fact that he lied to me about it. That being said, we have concluded that going forward we are going to be completely brutally honest with each other. He says that he does not want to watch porn or sexualize anyone other than me in any way, and should that change, we would discuss it. And you are absolutely right, There is no guarantee that he isn't just going to get better at hiding it, but the way I see it. The truth will come out sooner or later and if he decided to lie again after having been through everything we have, I will acknowledge that he has a real problem that he needs to seek professional help for, and that I don't need to associate myself with. Until then, I can understand that I am not perfect and neither is he. I do believe that good people can do bad things, and vice versa. Speeding is also a crime, but that doesn't make me a criminal. That is not to say that it is okay, it is to say that this criminal activity was not to an extent that I think is cause for criminal labeling given the context of what happened as well as the action taken afterward (admission of guilt, remorsefulness, and effort to be better). I do believe that people would generally not admit guilt to something they have already gotten away with if they weren't trying to make genuine amends. It is also noteworthy that under no circumstances whatsoever would I even consider staying if something similar happened again whatsoever. I do believe in second chances, I do not believe in third chances.
  7. EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who commented. I feel like I should probably explain the photos a little bit, for one thing it is super creepy in and of itself, I just wanted to provide a little bit of context. My boyfriend had an extremely bad childhood that included sexual abuse, and I did as well which I believe firmly contributes to the hypersexualistic nature. As for the photos, he was around 6 feet from the women that he photographed. He did not get near them or take an extremely specific picture, it was just of them. (This does not make it okay, I am just providing some explanation). I have known this man for 5 years now, and we have been dating for almost two. It should also be noted that we have discussed extensively what he was doing, how it was wrong, and if it is ever going to happen again. He apologized profusely and he feels genuinely remorseful and disgusted with himself by what he did, he explained that he had gotten curious about it in around his freshman year of highschool and he didn't think it was that big of a deal because it wasn't affecting the persons day, and he felt that it was disrespectful but not different from just looking at them and thinking about it later, it's just that he prefers visual stimulation, so for him it wasn't anything voyeuristic, just a matter of convenience in which he also deleted anything right after as well (which again doesn't excuse it). Since we have been together, there have been four photos. At any rate, we discussed the notion of getting psychiatric help in case this is a legitimate escalating problem that needs to be professionally addressed, but he has made it clear and honest that he doesn't want to be that person, and he will not be again. I have known him for a while and the fact that he came clean when I would not have found out otherwise (I didn't find anything, he admitted to it when coming clean about masterbating to porn), I feel like that speaks more to his character than some stupid things that he did at one of the lowest points of his life. He is genuinely a good person, but rest assured, I will not bystand repeat offending. I believe that he won't continue that kind of behavior and that he deserves a second chance, but I won't let him tell me more than twice to walk away.
  8. I am actually on this forum right now because I am in a similar situation. The best advice I can give you is that his reaction is the most important part of what has been going on. You cannot change the past, the only thing that matters is the way things are in the present moment and moving forward. Based on his defensiveness about the issue, there is a decent chance that he knows it is an issue and is insecure about it being a problem. I would strongly recommend creating an extremely understanding space for him to come clean about what has been going on and why. In my own personal experience, my boyfriends constant porn watching heavily affected our sex life and made us both feel like crap and so he was willing to work on it with me (he is stopping). He didn't promise me that he would never watch again, or that he would never be tempted, but we promised to be completely and brutally honest about the way that we are feeling and what is going on. If you love this man, and he loves you, I personally believe that this is something you can get through, it may not be easy and will probably take a bit of work, but if he's worth it to you, then it won't matter.
  9. So for some back story, I 19F and my boyfriend 20M have been in an exclusive relationship for over a year. At the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he didn't agree with watching porn in a relationship but that he wouldn't stop me if I wanted to. I told him that I am not much of a visual person, but that I may use it sometimes and I don't care if he does but he said that he wouldn't. I also provided LOTS of material of myself that he could have been using. He jacked off to porn, his friends on instagram, an onlyfans photo he paid for, and a few creepshots he took during our relationship. I used porn a few times and occasionally thought about other people during sex and masterbation. We both came clean about everything and agreed that both caused and experienced pain as a result of all of this. He said that, that is not the kind of relationship he wants and that he wants to work on this with me, he says he never saw porn in an emotional way and never wanted to sleep with or be with any of these other people, and that these are just things he's done his whole life and he didn't stop, but he wants to now. I feel pretty much the same. I still feel a little bit off about everything and was just looking for a little bit of reassurance, my biggest problem is that he lied to me for so long and disrespected me as well as the unconsenting women he photographed (he said there have only been 4 women since we have been together) and I do believe that he has come completely clean. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Should we keep working on this in your opinion?
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