reinventmyself

I told my story of having adopted a kitten just to surrender it to the volunteer coordinator I work with. She was very nice about it and said it wouldn't be a problem, but I should probably speak to the head of the adoption committee about it. She's in tomorrow, so I'll go in and talk to her. In the past few days, I waffle. I am now 50/50. I want a kitty, but I wake up in the middle of night having alot anxiety about the commitment. Is it a valid concern, or is it just too soon? I just wonder if I should wait until I am in a better mindset about it. I'll keep my appointment with her so at least if I continue to get attached to these kitties, I know I have the option. My anxiety is, will I do right by the kitty. Which is odd when I am realistic about it. I was a good cat mom to my previous kitties. Trying to remind myself that guilt is often normal part of grief. S has been gone for all week and won't return for another 6 days. I have managed to keep busy but everyone has their own lives and can't entertain me daily. Though I am good on my own, I do have my limit. I am wandering around talking to myself more than usual. Today is my youngest son's birthday. He and his wife have been so busy and overcommitted, he is adamant about not wanting to do anything for his birthday. I am however going to ask to stop by today to drop off a gift. I will play it by ear and offer to order a pizza while I am there. I mentioned it to my oldest son, and he is interested in coming by as well. Asking me if I have talked to his brother about it and I say no. If I had, that would sound like a 'plan.' Hoping to keep this light and casual and it ends up appreciated and doesn't backfire on me. I'll call him here shortly and see how it goes.

I am on the scale of unavailable. And I can commit. And I have committed to my share of unavailables. Those that never worked out

As my sons approached adulthood, I just assumed that when they actually moved out it couldn't be much different. They were working, driving and sometimes I only knew they had been home because there were dirty towels on the bathroom floor. How could it be any different when they actually moved out? I was a mess each time. It caught me really off guard. What you are feeling is normal. It really feels like grieving a loss. Don't fight it, just move through it. My oldest moved home twice for work related reasons. The first time he moved home, he was my sidekick. Movies, dinner, Netflix and when it was time for him to return to the apartment he sublet, I went through the loss all over again. 2 years later he asked to move home again while going through an academy and a one year probation. This time I was sort of a weirdo, avoiding him or at least knowing that I couldn't get all attached to him all over again. He sensed I was keeping my distance and I told him why. Luckily he was so busy for the year and half, when he had to leave again it wasn't as bad. It's ok Mom. Be kind to yourself. I always say that raising children is sort of ironic. If they become independent and want to get away from us we've done a good job.

Maybe you just weren't ready to hear it. Now you are. To admit something to ourselves typically means you might need to act on it.

Long before my employment our company did the same thing they called team building. Staff stayed late and drank on the premises. I heard legends of all sorts of shenanigans. An extreme shift to the environment I worked in, which was uber conservative, dealing with liability and extremely litigious minded. So much so staff walked on eggshells, knowing how to use and not use simple buzz words amongst each other. Such a contrast to 'who was boinking who' in the supply room the decade before and then driving home drunk. . .lol

I've had a lifetime of wrong relationships. For the past five years I am in the healthiest relationship I've known. But at times I feel restless because I am not experiencing those highs, the push and pull, the drama and angst I associated with being love. This relationship easy and effortless. I feel heard and understood. We are both decent people who care about meeting each other's needs. We are able to compromise so conflicts are few. Over time, if we aren't careful, we associate pain and drama as a measure of how much we love. It's not supposed to be that way. In that old unhealthy way, I catch myself yearning for the drama I've known for most of my adult life. And then . . I catch myself.

There's a good book on the subject. Attached, Levine & Heller. When in therapy and after reading the book, my therapist asked me what I thought applied to me. I guessed insecure attachment. He came back with ambivalently attached. I had to go back and reread that chapter and honestly, I'd rather have the label of insecure. It becomes a conundrum to be insecure and fight to keep a distance simultaneously. Anyway, it's a fascinating topic. I really recommend the book and it's any easy read. It explains the origins of why we have these styles to begin. There are theories about being attracted to unavailable people, such as in your experience. It suggests you are unavailable yourself. People with healthy attachments styles don't waste their time with unavailable people and are attracted to equally available partners. If you are unavailable you attract other unavailables and nothing comes to fruition, which reinforces a subconscious need to secure space. (rereading this, I've clearly had a lot of therapy. . lol)

It started early pandemic. My previous employer's CEO's Exec Secretary sent an email in a public folder marked Classified the entire company can view. She included a picture of bottles of alcohol and mixers and asked everyone what they were drinking. It was late afternoon but during operating hours. It was a hilarious email thread the went on for the remainder of the day with maybe a couple dozen of employees responding with pictures of whatever they were drinking at the moment. Truth be known, I may have had a glass of wine at that time, but didn't dare disclose. No longer working for the company and working from home during a pandemic is old news at this point in time. But I tend to believe a lot of drinking was going on. I hadn't thought of it, but wonder if it still continues. At the time I think we were all just trying to cope with the situation and isolation.

Just know that all the discomfort you are experiencing, he is too. So, when he comes sniffing around, it isn't because there is a compromise and a clear understanding of what you need and how things will change. It's merely him trying to assuage his discomfort and lacking the selfcontrol you are exhibiting. Don't confuse all this discomfort as a sign that you two are meant to be together It's selfish, honestly. He knows what you want. Nothing has changed. He reaches out in a weak moment so you can make him feel better. At your cost. It's that analogy of picking a scab. Protect it and remember that every time he contacts you, you start from square one. You are working hard at moving forward. Don't let him ruin that.

Changes in a relationship, personal and otherwise are often good. But these total evolutions you shared spiral you two into entirely different places. Places where you two no longer fit. I think people often behave in ways that they hope their partner would choose to leave. Rather than being the one to end it, they get the other to do it for them. I'm sorry, but this seems like one of those cases. He doesn't seem to want to shoulder the responsibility. That may be why you continue to get the mixed messages about how much he loves you. You can love someone at the same time recognize you are no longer meant to be together. I am sorry this is happening.

Thank you. But it isn't putting a sick cat down that they will take issue with - at all. It is having adopted a kitten from them, only to surrender it 4 days later.

This was unfortunate, but despite your pranks you two still stayed together. I think it's possible this is still salvageable, but you'll have to step it up, doing some damage control and make it up to her in a way that makes her very valued. Give her a moment to process her feelings and try again. But do it in a way that there is no denying that mean what you say.

A little over five years ago, I euthanized my 14 year old cat Xena due to having cancer. It was unexpected and I was gutted. Little Macy was left behind and at 12 she was rather lost, being the submissive of the two and was only brave as Xena was, being her constant shadow. Without Xena, Macy retreated to the closet, under the bed and only came out when I was in the room. It was really way too early but I got the idea I would adopt an adult female cat to keep Macy company. I went to the shelter (the one I now volunteer at) and was talked into adopting a kitten. I was told it would be easier for the two to bond, despite their ages. It wasn't initially what I wanted, knowing that the 12 year difference would put in me in the exact same position in a few years, needing to cycle in a new cat to keep company with the existing cat. 4 days of sitting with the kitten who had horrible separation anxiety, who howled like it was hurt if I left his sight. Sensitive Macy hiding upstairs, hissing and no longer eating. Me, still emotional over the loss of Xena and wondering how long, if ever these two would bond, I decided it was best to surrender the kitten. I cried the entire time and volunteer that had helped me, greeted me to return the kitten. They couldn't have been any more compassionate. Nevertheless, I still felt embarrassed, while trying to do what was best for all 3 of us. Now, being a volunteer there myself, these senior women are almost militant about who they will allow adopt. Now being cat-less, I am leaning towards getting another cat. I have the privilege of spending time with these cats and getting to know them pretty well before making that up to 20 year commitment. I read the application and two of the questions - having you adopted a cat from us before - have you surrendered a cat before, make my heart sink. Now I have a problem. When I disclose my past experience, they could deny me any adoption. Second dilemma - now I volunteer my time at a place that wouldn't trust me to own any of the very cats I spend my time helping socialize? Uhg. Just trying to wrap my head around this. If I decide to get a new cat I may have find it elsewhere just to sidestep the talk I keep rehearsing in my head. No idea how it would be received, and it may taint my volunteer experience altogether.

Good Luck!

I think every feeling you have is valid. It's a lot to unpack and saying you don't want to be a father at this time in your life is a very honest thing to say. It doesn't make you a bad guy. I'd could lecture you about birth control, but it's a little pointless at this point. It's still all very new and no doubt you will ride the waves of conflicting emotions for the next 8 months and more. Feeling the resistance is part of the shock and at this point is pretty much to be expected. If you weren't shook by all of this, I'd think that was odd. Give yourself some time to process this. You may surprise yourself. Life doesn't always go as planned. You may surprise yourself again and find out this child is the best thing that ever happened to you. But you won't feel that at this very moment.

I woke up yesterday in a funk. It's been years since I felt this low and while trying to get some household chores done, I instead chose to curl up on my bed and get lost in the tv. I finally got up to get dressed around 1pm only because I had to be somewhere. Trying to sort out what triggered it. It's a combination of a few things. I love my bf. We are still adjusting to list of things. When I met him, though he retired early, he helped out his friend's business and worked a couple days a week. He played on two softball teams and had games a couple days a week. He surfed several mornings a week. He golfed at least once, maybe twice a week. All this has changed over the past 5 years due to a shoulder injury and after a recent MRI, bone spurs in his neck. He stopped working for his friend some time ago. The neck is aggravated by surfing. The shoulder effects his softball and the two combined will keep him from golfing very often. He's like a hyperactive kid, now with not much to do. When I first met him, I took notice of his very full life and it was one of the things I found the most attractive. I've been in relationships where my partner wanted me to be their everything and if I suspected it, it would have been the very thing I would pass on. Add in my retirement. Though I am much better I am trying to find my stride. I am not good at sitting still, but at least when I was working that down time on weekends was a privilege. Now I am provided the privilege of too much down time that I am trying to fill up. S and I have a lot in common. We do fun activities that we both enjoy, but it realistically can't be non stop. Besides, I don't have the income I used to to sponsor some activities so there's limit and I don't expect S to sponsor everything. As much as not everything costs money, but if you pay close attention, you almost spend something whenever you leave the house. This became more apparent during covid when you realized how much you saved when you never left the house! What used to be fun weekends, bbqing, walking to the beach, bike riding and sitting in the backyard, watching movies is now getting old. It's the downtime I spend at his home that is causing me to feel restless and tipping over to feeling depressed. I've never been a big tv watcher, but we spend a good deal of time in front of the tv. We honestly have exhausted everything before we sit down. We are social and go out with others and have them over. But living out of my overnight bag and sitting at his house is wearing on me. At least when I am in my home, I can clean my sock drawer, pull weeds, prattle around. There is never a lack of things to do. I can ramble around all day, never sitting down and can't exactly tell you what I accomplished. S can be the master of relaxing. Or at least it doesn't make him feel guilty like it does me. I run a little more wound up and sitting around too much feels like I am doing something wrong. With a lack of anything else to do in his home, I end up staring at my phone. We don't spend much time at my home, as his is more comfortable for a long list of reasons, mostly due to being at the beach and everything within walking distance. Last weekend we rode our new Ebikes, listened to music on the beach, came home, bbq'd and agreed on a movie. Putting this writing, it sounds great. S decided to shower first and when he came back to the couch he wanted to check a football game for a few minutes. With that he dosed off. After about an hour of looking at my phone, with football in the background, I changed the channel. He woke up about an hour later and wanted to know if I was ready for the movie. I declined after having sat there watching him sleep for two hours. I am now ready for bed and he's of course wide awake. This or something similar has become a typical scenario. I get that if we were married or lived together we wouldn't be shadowing each others every move. We'd both being going about our days and circle back together at the end of the day. The pattern we have now isn't working for me and I often decline going over to his home in the middle of the week. There have been times I get there and find ourselves both sitting at the dining room table, him looking at his tablet and with the lack of anything else to do, I am looking at my phone in the middle of a sunny day. I no sooner got there once and abruptly announced I needed to leave. My life has changed plenty and I spend a good amount of time home alone. I see my friends once or twice a week. I work two days a week and volunteer on one afternoon. But the changes in S's life has him home alone wanting my company for entertainment. I often find myself sitting there, especially last Saturday while he watched football with his eyes closed wondering exactly why I am there. The reality is there isn't always going to be something to do. I just haven't figured how to not let this stress our relationship. But it is starting to. It's also partly due to still trying to adjust to a life that doesn't have me running around like my hairs on fire. I'm so glad I don't have to do that anymore but at the same time that's been my normal for a couple decades. I can guess that part of my funk is the loss of my kitty. I google 5 stages of grief and the last, depression. The first few days was really rough and then I got busy with work and what-not, stuffing the loss and being at S's home. Everything caught up with me at home alone. Having said that, I am feeling better this morning. I wasn't able to do my cat shelter volunteer shift last week, having to babysit my granddaughter. I figured it was just as well seeing having lost Macy was too recent and I didn't know if I would be ready. I returned yesterday. I have a habit of picking my favorite kittens in the past, seeing them go to new homes always tugs a little. I go in yesterday eager to see one of my last favorites, Yogi and even trying on the idea of what would it be like if I brought this little boy home. I go in to hear that though he's there, he's been adopted and leaving today. My reaction was so disproportionate and catches me off guard. I sat on the floor of the room with him on my lap and felt super emotional. On my way out at the end of my shift, I went back into the room he's in to hold him and say goodbye. I went to my car and cried. Saying goodbye to any kitty hit's just a little to close at this moment. Needless to say, it was maybe still a little too early for me to do my shift. But having gotten through it, next week has to be better. S calls me on my way home to see how my shift went and he wants me to come over. I decline. Going to his home just to sit in the same chair I do every time I'm there for endless hours wasn't something I could do. I don't know how to get out of this cycle with S. I know he feels pressured to entertain me or I'll leave and it's not fair to him. At the same time, when I met him I thought we'd be a great fit seeing he had such a full life of his own. Now neither of us have these crazy jam packed lives and I am trying to figure out how to make it work.

Her lies protect her, not you. But I think you knew that already or you wouldn't be here asking.

I watched both seasons of Love is Blind. .and I really liked them. But I like trashy reality shows to begin with. It's very thought provoking about our choices. But ultimately, I believe attraction has many levels. Deny it if you want, but physical is one of them. It was still super entertaining! My first attempt at on line dating, I emailed that chatted on the phone with someone who really didn't have a clear picture for weeks. Mind you, this was 20 years ago and OLD really hadn't taken off and had an unwritten (or written) protocol. Similar to Love is Blind, I was enamored by what I knew about him. When I met him, my heart sunk. He was still a nice looking man, but not someone I would typically be attracted to. It was a good life lesson. We became friends and after a period of time, dated romantically. The physical attraction became secondary. I had to google if Barrett and Amber are still together, and they are. I was with you. He started off as a bit of a tool to start with and redeemed himself at the end. Yep, Bio Dad was definitely good looking man.

You can justify reasons to not trust and blame others. But we need to remember, we are as healthy as the company we keep. Choose wisely.

Well, that's definitely a self fulfilling prophecy. How about rethinking that and expecting more?

From where I sit, your daughter is an adult and doesn't share the same view as you. And it's ok. It doesn't make her wrong, it's only a difference. We raise our children to think for themselves, right? Consider this a job well done. Having said that, it's time for you to assist her to move out and be on her own. Yes, it will be challenging to socialize but you will figure it out. And it won't be forever. It's one of the cost/benefit situations. The cost of keeping her isolated is costing way too much. The benefit keeps you safe, but how does that benefit her? I am also puzzled why the son has a different standard. I can't help but wonder how that message of you trusting the son, yet not the daughter adds to this dilemma. Merely because she takes her mask off to sing? I get it, but it's a stretch. About the gloves. I went to the emergency room one night, when covid was at it's highest. (unrelated) They wouldn't let anyone in with gloves and listened to the lectures repeatedly how the gloves were a hinderance, collecting all sorts of bacteria and viruses. If your face is masked, you aren't touching your face. Therefore you are far better of washing your hands. Just sayin'

I would sit down and talk to them. Remind them the arrangement was temporary and it's time to start talking about what their plans are for the future. Start with the open ended question. It will alert them the time is running out and they have to get thinking about getting their own place. Be prepared with the outlined details to state your case but give them the opportunity to respond and see where they are at. And if you are lucky enough to get some deadline, tell them you will be holding them to it. This is a soft beginning approach. You may have to end up having to hold a hard line and asking them to leave. Sorry this is happening. I can't imagine.

I get the jury is still out regarding this particular character issue, but this justification jumped off the page to me. If you two are just cuddle friends, do you normally have friends that lie to you? I know I don't. You're here writing about him, so it would appear this friendship holds more value than you might be admitting to yourself. Whether he's a lover or a friend, you seem to be becoming to get attached. Being lied to will hurt either way. Consider people in your life invited guests. Be particular who you let in, especially to this degree.

. .and 120 miles is just enough of a distance to prevent you two from passing each other on the street and getting a peek at his legitimate life. Never hook up with someone with the hopes it turns into something else. If you are ok with a one time hook up, then go ahead with some precautions. But the mentions of not wanting to get hurt suggests your emotions would be involved. Casual hook ups don't include emotions. It's a little contradictory.

I am not dependent on mine in the way one might think with withdrawals etc like you describe. I have no side effects. I just take it at night. I will add there are times when I am extremely tired, I can sleep without it. Everyone is different.