SnoopKitten

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm leaning towards keeping him in jail. I have until july 7 to submit it. I'd really like to thank everyone for their support. This has really stressed me out, and I don't need it right know with all the problems I'm having at school and with my bf. But from hearing everyone's pov I think I have a better grasp of things. Like everyone says, I need to make this decision without worrying about him or his family and just decide what would give me closure. I hear about him because some in my family still stay in touch with his family. Of course I would never visit him. My mom was the one who made the final decision to go to the police. He was charged with a few things but only pleaded guilty to rape of a minor (child). there was no agreement on sentencing but he ended up getting 5-20 yrs. He's filed several appeals but lost them all. I attended the sentencing and filed a statement giving my side of the story because he was lying so much about it and me and my mom didn't want the judge to believe any of his lies when sentencing him. The whole experience was really stressful because basically his side of the family called me a liar and said it was consensual and I was just throwing him under the bus to save myself. Which really made me angry because initially I really believed he had a problem and couldn't control himself (this is what he told me) and so I never told our parents because I didn't want to see him get in trouble. He also made me think I would get in trouble too, he would always tell me "don't tell anyone or WE are really going to be in trouble". And being stupid and looking up to my new older brother I actually believed him. Then they had the audacity to use that fact as evidence that it was consensual, otherwise why didn't I tell? I remember they said 'why didn't you yell or scream or something?', they just didn't understand that I was afraid to tell, he was a lot bigger than me, I thought somehow I would get in trouble too, and because he told me he couldn't help it I didn't want to get my own brother in trouble. But they kept saying I was lying and my brother told them we were in love! Which was a complete lie! I was never in love with my own stepbro. First, I didn't find him attractive in the least (actually he was ugly) and second, I would never want to have sex with my own stepbro. The whole time I was disgusted and I tortured myself not telling anyone for 6 months, and then when he finally got caught, they use that against me! Sorry, I'm getting triggered. I need to end this post. Please pray for me.

well at the time Jeff and I promised each other never to talk about it afterwards with anyone. we had almost screwed up our friendship, and we didn't want to screw up our future relationships. I also never told my bf any details because he hasn't asked. I'm not sure that telling him everything right now would be a good idea. it's too much too fast. i'm also not really sure how important this is. we reverted to friends long before I started dating my bf (maybe 6 months) and no intercourse ever occurred. it was never serious just 2 friends experimenting and crossing lines that shouldn't have been crossed. it began innocently with some making out after parties but progressed to cuddling naked in bed and foreplay. it was during this time that I considered Jeff as a partner but physically he was not my type and so we went back to being friends. eventually Jeff kinda got in an on/off relationship with some girl and I was very happy that he found someone. It wasn't until Jeff got a gf that i actively looked for a bf. I met my bf a few months later and it didn't take long for us to realize we were made for each other. and everything has been wonderful until he began questioning things and saying we are "dating". i don't know about all that but i will admit that I feel a bit more secure dating "average" guys. I have tried dating the 10s and they end up being f*** boys and because they have other options I think they take you for granted. they also seem entitled and are often losers, i even had to loan money to one of them. but the more average guys like my bf who don't have hoes throwing themselves at them will treat you like you're special. My bf values me and will do literally anything for me and I love him very much. 🥰

Well my experience has been that any guy who sees an attractive girl will stare and get a boner so what you are saying here would imply I could not have any guy friends or else perhaps I could wear a burka all the time, lol. And I don't understand why it would be mature to just cut off a close friend who has been there for you many times over a boyfriend. That seems immature to me. Something an infatuated teenager would do, not a mature person. And I think my bf is immature to suggest it. I would think that a mature couple would be able to discuss and work out appropriate boundaries without having to cut someone off. And no my bf would not stare at a family member, but yes he probably might stare a bit at a female coworker and that would not bother me at all (assuming he didn't act on it). I see that a lot of people have had a problem with me saying that. I apologize if I came off as conceited, but honestly I was not trying to brag. I just brought it up because I think it's relevant. From watching other couples I noticed that when there is a big difference in looks, the less attractive one will usually get jealous and my theory was that is because it's so one sided. Because when both are about equally attractive I notice that most couples won't get too jealous because they are also getting attention themselves and so they understand the others situation better and don't feel inadequate. Because I'm a 10 and my bf a 4, and so he doesn't have this problem himself, he probably feels inadequate and threatened. I honestly think the situation would be totally different if my bf also got as much attention from the oppositive sex as I do. But yes I am a 10. And I am not "desperate for attention". You sound like my bf. He says that because he thinks I dress too sexy but the truth is that I just dress like I do because I'm proud of my body and of how hard I work on myself to look so good. I've always said "if you got it, flaunt it", not for the attention but because you should be proud of yourself and your accomplishments.

I want to thank everyone for trying to talk some sense to me. I know I'm a lot younger and more inexperienced than most of you, so I should listen. I think some of the replies have been a bit harsh, but I guess that's what I need right now. I do see that I have been inconsiderate of my bf and I need to work on that. I am going to talk to my bf tomorrow and try to seriously address all his concerns, however I will not be completely cutting anyone out of my life because i don't think that's appropriate, even if you are in a committed relationship. only once. it was a little awkward and I think both me and her kinda felt like a third wheel at various times. It also seemed like we were sort of competing for his attention so I'm not sure it would be a good idea to do it again. I'm not sure what their relationship is, Jeff hasn't told me a lot of details yet, but I think they are basically fwb? based on what I've heard. But I'm happy that I met her because it was confirmation for me that Jeff and I are only platonic as I was not really very jealous of her at all. I do agree with you that the attraction thing is a problem. I'm painfully aware of it as I still catch Jeff staring at my butt or my breasts a lot and I can tell he sometimes gets really horny when we're together (I've caught him with a boner many times 🥵). But I feel our friendship is mature enough to handle this. We both know we don't want to mess up our friendship or our relationships and we are committed to each other on that. I know this and Jeff knows this. And I am working on the self-control to help alleviate any temptation. Like I said, I have really toned down on the flirting and try to only act friendly when we're together. And yes, I understand the hug was wrong. He was sitting and when I saw him I was so surprised and happy to see him after so long that I just jumped on him and started hugging and cuddling him. After about 30 seconds I realized I was out of line and immediately got off him. I was just so excited to see him that I just reacted without thinking. But I did apologize to my bf afterwards. Tiny, I only brought up the looks thing because I think it's a factor in why my bf gets so jealous of Jeff. I just honestly feel that if me or Jeff were a 4 or 5 then my bf wouldn't feel so threatened. But in no way do I think I'm doing my bf a favor by dating him. He is a great bf and I'm with him because I know he loves me. And yes I admit I find Jeff kinda hot. I've even admitted that to my bf. And yes I'm painfully aware that Jeff is still VERY much attracted to me. But I don't understand why you still can't be friends with someone like that. As long as you keep it under control and don't cheat I can't see giving up a long and close friendship over the FEAR that something MIGHT happen, especially if you KNOW that nothing won't. I know for sure I'm not going to cheat on my bf so I see nothing wrong with my friendship with Jeff. And I completely agree with your last point. That is why I'm going to talk to my bf and see about adjusting our schedules so that I can spend more time with him and less with my other friends. I will also remind him that Jeff is in a relationship, which not only means he has nothing to worry about but which will also give me an added motivation to cut down on my time with him. I'll let everyone know how it goes. And again, thx for all the tough love. I really needed it! 🙂

I really don't understand why two people can't be friends even if there is some sexual attraction. I mean, isn't there always some attraction between people of the opposite sex? What you are saying then is that a guy and girl can never be friends, only boyfriend-girlfriend. I don't see why they can't be friends as long as their actions are appropriate. you can't control feelings but you can control actions. but I think you are right that my bf probably senses things and I think that's a big part of the problem. He either is afraid that I can't control myself, which imho is ridiculous as he knows I'm not a hoe, or maybe he's just jealous because he knows I'm probably more sexually attracted to Jeff than him even tho I love him and not Jeff. Lately I've been of the opinion that the real problem isn't that he doesn't trust me (because I've proven that) but just that he's jealous because my friend is an 8 and he a 4. even tho I've made it quite clear to him that looks are not that important to me in a relationship. I think it's an ego thing (you know how the male ego can be)

yeah especially when i know how anal he is about another guy so much as touching me. I wasn't thinking. I was so excited to see this guy that I just kind of reacted. We were also at a water park so I was in a swimsuit and I don't think that helped the situation.

Well I have been known to flirt, but there are lines I will not cross and I know I would never cheat on my bf, so I'm not sure what you are saying. I would never flirt with anyone else in front of him. I do seem to make friends easier with guys, but I honestly don't think it's because I like the attention. I just seem to get along better with guys. My girl friends seem competitive and tend to gossip. My guy friends seem more laid back like they just want to be friends and have fun. As far as dating "down", well, I really don't care about looks that much so if I find a nice guy who treats me great like my bf, but who may not be that attractive, I call that dating "up" not "down". I've found that more attractive guys tend to be less reliable and more likely to be cheaters. I prefer a more ordinary looking guy who treats me like I'm special. It's not that I want power over them, it's just that I honestly find them to make better bfs. My bf never met Jeff because I generally haven't introduced him to any of my old friends from high school because a lot of them are guys and I knew he would get jealous and probably feel threatened given his nature. I was trying to spare him (and myself and my friends) from all that. By "heated" yes I mean we got a little too close. We were sort of fwbs for awhile but it didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't interested in him that way and he told me the same. Nothing serious we just made out and the farthest we ever got was cuddling in bed, but we both found the situation uncomfortable and decided to revert to being friends. It was no big deal and there were never any real feelings of intimacy. We were just young and horny and experimenting a bit, but once we realized we were not compatible for a relationship we both decided not to ever tell anyone because we didn't want this to affect our future relationships. I don't feel like I need to share all this with my bf because it happened long ago and after 2 years I'm confident that Jeff and I are not going to succumb to temptation and screw up our relationships over a little sex. So I cannot see how this could hurt my bf. but I do see why it's not right to spend so much more time with a friend than my own bf so I am going to try and balance out my time with them better. A lot of the time Jeff and I will make plans for the next day after hanging out so he might end up getting me several days in a row and my bf gets left out. I'm trying not to do that now to give my bf more of a chance to make plans with me first. At the very least I think this will help improve the situation even tho it will still be hard because of how often my bf is working. which I feel guilty about because he needs to work a lot more overtime now after helping me out with my tuition and a new car. But I'm confident I'll be able to juggle our schedules more effectively now that I'm more aware of the problem. 🙂

Well the reason I go out separately with my friends and my bf is because some of my friends are guys, and with my bf being so insecure, I thought it just best that way. That is why my fb list is private. He gets really jealous over nothing and has a terrible temper and I would be afraid of someone getting hurt if he hung out with us. heck, I remember one day he almost started a fight with some guy over a hug! granted, it was a long and cuddly hug (probably 20 seconds but my bf said a minute) because I hadn't seen this guy in like 2 yrs, but it was still ridiculous the way he responded. he got thrown out. So you can see why I don't really want to include him every time I go out with my friends. It's a little dangerous tbh.

lost, yes I understand now that I triggered his insecurities without knowing it. I never really thought about it, but how that I've put myself in his shoes I can see why he would feel jealous and threatened. He doesn't know Jeff or what a long and close friendship we've had, and with his trust issues he's probably assuming the worst. That is why I am cutting back on the time I spend with Jeff and try to spend more time with my bf. My only objection is him saying we're dating and insinuating things and making snide remarks when absolutely nothing is going on. And as for flirting, I already said I'm toning it down. I don't really flirt that much but when I do it is never in front of my bf. And I don't flirt to get another guy, I just like to play with them sometimes, lol. so I see no harm in that. if I did it in front of my bf, or if I was really trying to cheat, then yes i agree that would be a problem. and I'm afraid you don't really know Jeff. we have been good and close friends for a long time, it's like a brother-sister relationship. He is not interested in jumping my bones. yes I am a 10 and he is a 8 and so there will be temptation, but we respect each other way too much to screw up the others' relationship, and I think we are both mature enough not to want to screw up our own. but yes I understand how it might look to my bf so I will be cutting back on the one on one time with Jeff. But we are not "dating" and I don't like my bf saying that. yeah cheryl I understand now. I was being insensitive. I did turn the tables and I see that I would probably be insecure too. That is why I'm cutting back on seeing Jeff. I would not however, be mean, say nasty things, and insinuate that he's "dating" someone, at least not till I had proof, and he also hurt me by handling things that way. I just wish he would communicate more and not bottle things up and then explode.

Yes I understand that that is how it works in prison, but that still doesn't make it right. He was beat up so bad once that he almost died! I want him to pay for what he did to me but I wouldn't want him to actually get killed for it. And that seems to be my dilemma. Like you say, he still won't take full responsibility for what he did, and I hate the way he deceived me and continues to lie about it to this day, which makes me want to see him locked up forever. I hate how he manipulated me and made me feel guilty, and then used the fact that I never told on him as evidence I wanted it! But at the same time I have to recognize him as a human being who has a problem and needs help. So in the end I can't decide is 5 years enough or not. When I think about what a liar and manipulator he is, and how sick of a person he is, I don't think 5 years is nearly enough. I truly believe that rapists, especially those that would use their 'big brother' status to take advantage of someone, should never get out of prison. They hurt they cause lasts a lifetime and the person will never be the same. But when I think about what has happened to him in prison, sometimes I think maybe 5 years has been enough. So in the end I don't know what is right and that is why I wanted to get some opinions from outsiders. Everyone else I know is too emotionally involved.

Well, it was 4 years ago (his first gf) and he saw a counselor for like a year afterwards. I think he has really come a long way but the problem is he still has trouble trusting and that sometimes plays out in him getting angry and jealous over the littlest things or trying to control me over fear of losing me. But otherwise I think he is a really good person and good bf. He really isn't lacking in anything other than what I described here. We just need to work on his bad temper and his trust issues, and I truly believe that love can overcome all things.

yes, Tinydance, I see what you're saying. I have tried to put myself in my bf's shoes and I would also get jealous if my bf was spending a lot of time with a female friend while I was at home alone. That is why I promised my bf I would try to cut back on my time with Jeff and spend more time with him. It's nothing intentional on my part, it's just that with all of our schedules me and Jeff have more free time that overlaps (my bf works a lot) and he lives closer. So yes, I end up seeing Jeff a lot more than my own bf. But I am trying to plan it out better now so that it is more balanced and fair for both of them. I even am going to try and alternate days if I can. Now, as far as letting my bf join us goes, that is simply out of the question. I'd like to see them become friends, that would obviously solve the problem. But right now my bf hates this guy and I don't want a scene. Plus, I don't think it would be fair to set Jeff up like that when he hasn't done anything wrong. He is just a good friend and I don't think it would be right to possibly get him beat up just because my bf has trust issues. But I do hope someday that we can all be friends.

yeah I think you are right in that he probably takes this personally and feels second fiddle. He is really insecure because of his past relationships. but I try to make him feel secure and let him know he is my #1 priority. Which he is. I love him very much and he is an awesome bf, other than his insecurity issues, which I understand because of his past. It just so happens that it's easier for me and Jeff to get together, so he ends up seeing me more than my own bf. but I see your point and so i have tried to reassure him by reminding him (over and over and over) that Jeff has a gf, and I've also promised him that I will try to cut back on my time with Jeff, especially now that he has a gf. I agree that there are red flags with his jealous nature and trying to cut me off from a friend and especially with his snooping into my phone. I really don't like the invasion of privacy. But other than this he is the greatest bf ever and I was hoping he could learn to move beyond his past and put his trust in his SO. As far as flirting, I guess I never thought I flirted that much but yeah, my boyfriend's does have a different pov on that and it may have affected me. He has a lot more strict definition of it than me. He says I'm flirting if I wear a short dress out or wear a body suit to the gym, or if I make eye contact with a guy, or touch a guy in any way, or even smile at them. He is sooo strict on this!!! What I call "being friendly" he calls "flirting". Cherylyn, I honestly don't think we're incompatible. We click on everything, the only problem is his controlling attitude and trust issues. Otherwise we get along great and have a loving relationship. I can tell he loves me. He will do anything for me. He's even helped me out financially quite a bit, without me even asking. He is the best bf I've ever had BY FAR and I couldn't imagine losing him. But I understand what you are saying as far as us getting married. I do not want to be the type of wife who is submissive and lets her husband bully her and control her. I was hoping that with therapy and love my bf could learn to trust me and not worry about me cheating on him and not get jealous so incredibly easily and we could move past this. He has seen a therapist after his last painful breakup. He almost killed himself. I was hoping that eventually he would heal from his past and understand that not all girls are like that, especially me. I'm was hoping that 'time heals all wounds' and eventually he would learn to trust me. But don't worry. I would never actually marry him until we have worked this out. I understand what you mean by "legally trapped" and I would never let that happen to myself. In fact, that's why I'm here. We have talked marriage recently and this is an issue I feel we must resolve if we are to move forward.

Hello everyone, I’m here because I (19) need advice on my bf (21). It’s a long term relationship (2 yrs) and we are very much in love. We even have discussed marriage and I have no doubt he is my soulmate. He treats me better than I could imagine and I can honestly say that he the closest thing to perfect. 🥰 The only problem I have with him is that he has SERIOUS trust issues. This is because he was cheated on by both of his previous gfs, and I think he’s projecting that into our relationship. I also think he’s a little insecure because while I’m a ‘10’ he is more like a ‘3’, ‘4’, or at best a ‘5’. I think he feels inadequate when we’re out and guys are looking and even flirting with me, but I am always trying to reassure him and make him feel secure in our relationship. I am very careful not to get too flirty with other guys and I constantly tell him that looks are not important to me (they really are not) and that he is the best guy I’ve ever known. But I think he still feels like he has to compete with other guys for my affection, even tho there is no way I’d ever think of cheating on him. Lately, he’s been getting really jealous of one of my best guy friends (Jeff) who I’ve known since the 8th grade. He started asking me lots of personal questions about him about a month ago. I was surprised because I keep my FB friend list private so I didn’t even know how he knew about him. But he knew lots of details so I assume he’s been snooping on my phone. This makes me really mad because we’ve had this conversation before and I’ve made it clear to him that I will respect his privacy and I expect him to do the same. But I will not confront him right now because I have no proof. I explained to my bf that Jeff is just an old friend and that our relationship is COMPLETELY platonic, but being such a jealous person of course he is suspicious and his constant questioning and insinuations are starting to get to me. 😒 I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my friend is better looking than him (a 7 or 8), and I think that makes him feel threatened. I’ve tried to reassure him over and over, even telling him that Alex is in a relationship, which would imply that he’s unavailable, but he still won’t trust me. My background with Alex is that we were both on the debating team in high school and sometimes things got a little ‘heated’. We became good friends and continued our friendship through college (we both attend the same uni). We’ve helped each other out a lot over the years, and he is currently kinda in a relationship with another girl and I was really happy for him. When I told him about my bf, he was also very happy for me. As he still lives closeby, we still occasionally meet up for coffee or drinks, usually with some of our other old friends, and talk about old times and our future plans. I think that a big part of all this is simply that Jeff lives a lot closer to me than my bf does (10 min drive versus about a 30 min drive) so it’s a lot more convenient for me to get together with Jeff than it is my bf. And because of our busy schedules he doesn’t get to see me as often as he’d like. So he has the tendency to get REALLY angry whenever I can’t see him because I already made plans with Jeff. He’ll want me to just cancel and go out with him instead but I don’t feel comfortable doing that to my friends. Friendship is important to me and I’ve always said that I will not cut off friends over a bf. He even insists that I quit seeing Jeff entirely, saying that it’s inappropriate to have opposite sex friends when you’re in a relationship, but I think that is unreasonable. I know he has some female friends as well and I have never questioned him on that. And I don’t understand why anyone should be threatened over a friendship if you truly love your partner. You don’t try to control those you love. But what really makes me mad, and what prompted me to get advice, is this new tactic of his where he will say I am “dating” Jeff. He will say things like ‘Ok, well enjoy your date with Jeff’ or ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were going on a date with Jeff tonite, will you be free tomorrow?’ or the next day he’ll say something like ‘So, how did your date with Jeff go?’ This really infuriates me! I tell him that going out with a platonic friend is not a “date” and I think he knows the difference. But he says it “looks like” or “seems like” a date, so as far as he’s concerned it IS a date. 🙄 Last night we had the worst fight we ever had over this. He asked me out to dinner but I already had made plans with Jeff and some of our friends. We we’re going to see the new Top Gun and afterwards Jeff and I were going to check out this new club than opened next to it. He said ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you already had plans. Well, enjoy your date with Jeff.’ And this after knowing how much that triggered me! 😡 We had a long argument with him ending the conversation saying something about how maybe he could ask this girl he knows if she wanted to go out tonite. The next day he sent me a text asking “So how was your date last night? Hope you had a good time. Hey, i was thinking maybe you should just text me whenever you DON’T have a date with Jeff, so I don’t have to keep bothering you asking you out? After 4 times in a row I just think it would be a lot easier” This really gets to me. He is trying to make me feel GUILTY just for going out with my friends! 😲 Well, I know for a fact that Jeff and I are not “dating” and are just friends because when we used to go out we would flirt, but since my bf and I got serious I have toned down on the flirting and am acting more friendly. He has no right to insinuate anything and even tho I love my bf I could see myself breaking up with him if he continues this, and last night I told him that. This whole thing has me really stressed out right now. I really would like him to be able to just trust me and not be confrontational, but I think because of his past he is unable to do that. And I fear another bad argument coming because I’m seeing my friend tomorrow night! What do you think I should do?

Yes, I see what you mean. Although he did recently apologize to me finally in a letter his family gave me, but like you suggest I am suspicious of his sincerity since he didn't do it until now, right before his parole hearing. But no, he is not remorseful because although he apologized he still tried to gaslight me in the letter by playing stupid and saying he thought I wanted him and even suggested I was at least partly to blame for not making it clear i didn't want to have sex, even tho I REPEATEDLY told him 'no' and to stop many times. Yes, I have received counseling and have finally got over my feelings of guilt and shame. It was hard not to blame myself for what happened because he and his family kept accusing me of lying and also because of how guilty they made me feel for everything when he got beat up and raped. After the last incident they asked me if I was satisfied yet, as if I wanted it to happen, when actually I have forgiven him and only wish him the best and hope he gets the help he needs while he's in there. And yes, he has also received treatment in prison and has been medicated. I think he has a sexual addiction. He even told me he couldn't help himself and said he would go "crazy" if he didn't have sex with me. And at the time I believed him because the way he acted made me feel he was TOTALLY out of control. I really feel there is something wrong in his head and he cannot control his sexual urges. As to how I see it now, well I would say these last 5 years have been a living hell for him. I even feel sorry for him sometimes. And I have forgiven him. But I can also see he has some kind of problem which I don't think he will ever be able to control. There is something wrong with him and he will always justify having his way with a girl. Well, no, I do feel sorry for him because of what he's been through. It's not just his family. He's gotten beat up REALLY bad. And gang raped. And I at least think he regrets what he did, even if he isn't really sorry for it and still blames me to some extent. That is why I sometimes feel like supporting his parole. But yes, I can also list many reasons I don't think he should get out. He's possibly dangerous, he's still not sorry about it and blames me, and honestly sometimes I question whether 5 years is fair when you consider this was not a one time thing. I mean, sure, 5 years for rape seems reasonable to me (for a first offense) but he was doing this practically every day (some days more than once) for 6 months. And who knows how much longer it would have went on if he didn't get caught? I wasn't going to tell anyone because I was so scared and also because he had manipulated me into thinking I would also get in trouble if I told on him. So you can see why I'm so torn on this issue. And no, it can't be confidential, if he doesn't get parole everyone will know it was because of me. ☹️