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Hi everyone! I am reaching out to get some outside advice about a problem I'm having with a friend of mine. I have a small group of friends and one of them I have known for almost 10 years. All the years I have known her, she has dated men who do not stick around for long. She gives them something that they want/need for the moment (in many more ways than what we are all thinking!) and then they leave her in the dust. Despite us warning her of red flags we might see, she always pins us as the bad guys and then something happens and we are stuck in a "We told you so." position. She has been with a new guy for maybe 6 months. We met him a few times and he seemed nice! Then he began making her late for our gatherings, he came to one with her after causing an argument. He didn't converse with any of us at the gathering despite us trying to include him in conversation, ask questions, etc., he then got really rude with one of our friends when we decided on a place to go that he didn't particularly like, continued to not talk to us and then left abruptly from the event, leaving her with us to go home-one hour away. (He took her car.) Without dragging this on too much, we were told at the beginning of their "journey" that he had an apartment that he allowed his sister to stay in because she needed a place to stay after returning from serving with the Marines, but then she developed COVID-19 and had to quarantine, so he stayed with my friend for the time being. But he left the sister his car to use, while he also owns another place in the same area, where he could have stayed. My friend then allowed (and still allows) him to use her car to go to his job (over an hour away from where we live), out with his friends, various personal appointments. It began inconveniencing me because she then relied on ME to get her to work (we are also coworkers, we carpool regularly) more days than normal. I began turning down or rescheduling dates because I didn't want to leave her high and dry. It has been 6 months and we haven't seen him attempt to get a new car, take back his apartment, and every time they went to stay closer to where he worked, they stayed in a hotel. My friends and I see these red flags and have tried in our different ways to make it apparent to her that there is something wrong. It has come to the point that none of us want to be with her, everyone avoids being where he is and turns down invitations if he is at all included. The other 4 of us have made plans without her because of this and we don't know what to do in order to tell her. We are all stuck because we know that she will not like it, and pin us all either against each other (she has lied to us all about some details of this) or we will be the bad guy. How should we approach this? Should we all tell her at once, should someone tell her individually? Should we wait until something happens and then express concern? Sorry for the long write up-and thank you for taking the time to read and help!
I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice as such, but any advice or comments are very welcome. I guess I just like writing here to get things off my chest. So it's now been about a month since I ended my friendship with Rachael* and I've been spending a lot more time on my own. It's really weird but I am actually missing Rachael's friendship because the past 1-1.5 years we talked a lot and hung out reasonably often. But that was actually how long I was friends with her overall and just in that short time there were a lot of issues. I won't discuss that part of it anymore because I do have other posts about it that I made. I'm feeling sad and alone as of late and really starting to feel like I'm sort of drifting from some of my friends. I don't think it's for any particular reason but I guess it's just what can happen in life. Especially as you get older. I'm feeling really sad because my friendships with my two best friends, Belinda* and Sally* have changed/are changing and it's just a bit hard to come to terms with I guess. I'm 36 years old and Sally is 37. We've known each other since I was 19. We met at work and for probably about 5 years we were best friends and inseparable. Granted we were very young, but we went out together a lot. We would go out everywhere - to the movies, cafes, shopping, clubbing, parties. We stayed at each other's houses a lot. We just got along so well and could talk about anything. When Sally was 24, she met her husband on online dating. Gradually as she got more serious with him, naturally she didn't spend as much time with me. In 2012 she got married and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. Eventually she had two kids. We have still been best friends all that time and our connection is still the same. So what I mean is, when we see each other things don't feel any different. We talk regularly and see each other maybe once a month or less. But since Sally has been with her husband (13 years), we just haven't been as inseparable. Back in 2011 I met my other best friend, Belinda. Same thing, we were completely inseparable and actually dubbed "The Siamese Twins". Because where one of us went, so did the other. Belinda and I had so many fun adventures together and I guess she wanted to go out a lot more because she was actually quite a bit younger than Sally. When we met I was 26 and Belinda was 20-21. Over the last 10+ years we've had so many adventures together! We also have A LOT in common, so we didn't just do the typical things like go to cafes and go clubbing. We are both bisexual and we went to a lot of GLBTIQ events. We also both really love dressing up in costumes and going to costume parties. Belinda and I basically talked every day and hung out once or twice a week on an ongoing basis for ten years. We had also been on a few fun interstate trips together. We'd usually talk on the phone for 2-3 hours, but sometimes it'd be more like 4-6 hours! A year ago Belinda met her boyfriend on online dating. They're in love with each other and they're very serious and going to move in together soon. Now I want to say very honestly that I'm not actually jealous or bitter about my best female friends having a boyfriend or a husband. I just miss them, that's all. I still hear from Belinda and still see her, but it's just not the same. Now I just don't hear from her as much and I only see her maybe once a fortnight. She does contact me first, but it's more me contacting her and me initiating to catch up. I have two close male friends also. One of them is gay and we have a bit of a big age gap. He's 29 and he still lives at home with his parents. I met him at community college and we were really close to the point where people wondered if we were actually dating. Unfortunately as the years went on I began to feel like I'm starting to drift from him a bit. I'm 7 years older but also I don't feel like he's very mature for his age. After our mental health course at community college, I got work in that field. I've been working for eight years in the field and I've been living out of home for 13 years. My friend has ADHD and he has really bad issues with time management. Every time we catch up, he's 1+ hours late and doesn't even let me know. Plus in other ways I feel like he's still exactly the same as in community college. Back then he was 18, living at home and no proper job. He's still in exactly the same place now and basically has been all that time. My other close male friend Henry is a really nice, sweet and chill guy who has no bad bone in his body. He's 37. He adores me. We initially dated 6 years ago but I didn't have real feelings for him and also he's polyamorous and I'm not. I know he felt really strongly about me, he told me that. He reaches out to me all the time and he's very loyal. I feel bad because I do like him as a friend but I actually have always felt that conversation with him is lacking. He's a very quiet and introverted sort of guy. Some of our friends and other people wondered if he's mildly on the autism spectrum. He's a serious person who doesn't laugh much and he never understands any of my jokes. My jokes are largely sarcastic lol For these reasons I've found it hard all these years to truly connect with him. I care about him a lot but our conversations are quite generic, which is mostly on his part. Recently I tried to make a new female friend from a Meetup group. I went out for dinner and to see some stand-up comedy with a 29-year-old woman that I met at a Meetup group two years ago. She's only been in my city for four years (came from interstate). We have a little bit in common but mainly during our catch up I was feeling like I'm really not connecting with her. She's uneducated and kind of bogan (redneck). We hung out for five hours and she spent the whole time just talking about herself and actually didn't let me speak at all really. She was drinking alcohol the whole time though but I wasn't because I was driving. Afterwards she actually messaged me saying that she had a really nice time with me and she's lucky to have me as a friend. She actually acknowledged that she only talked about herself and sort of apologised. I thought that maybe I could give her another chance, but now I'm really not sure. She did say to me during our catch up that she has issues with her Mum. She still lives with her parents and she said when she had a falling out with her Mum, she was staying at a hotel. She said she also lost her job but she wouldn't talk about why or what happened. Anyway, she messaged me today asking can she stay at my place on the couch because her and her Mum had another blow up. I know she has depression and she said her Mum has bipolar disorder. I said I was really sorry but I don't have a couch coz my ex took it. Also that my front door can only be locked with a key and I have only one set of keys. Both of these things are actually completely true, I didn't lie at all. But the main reason is that I have met this girl only twice in my life and the first time I didn't even talk to her much. She said she would pay me for staying with me but how could she pay if she doesn't have a job? Anyway, after I said no she just didn't reply. So once again I feel like this girl has a lot of issues and she was also just trying to use me for a free place to stay. I guess I'm just feeling so lost... I'm 36 years old...Do I actually have a chance still to make genuine, real close friends? Or is it too late? If I don't find a partner anytime soon then will I just be that single "spinster" all on my own?
So I've made a post about my friend Rachael* before. I think it's important to know the back story so if you could please read my previous post: So basically after all that happened before, I actually distanced myself from Rachael. She could tell and our mutual friend said she was really stressed and upset about it. She tried contacting me a few times saying she really values our friendship and she wanted to talk and try to work it out. We had a face-to-face private conversation and she said she doesn't mean to be mean or rude but she's just a blunt person and says what she thinks. Anyway so we moved on from that and bluntness wise I think she has improved to be fair. Also I should point out that Rachael had organised a number of various dinners at different restaurants she wanted to try and one of our close friends didn't want to go to some of them, but I went to all. About two months ago Rachael decided she wants to lose weight and she started going to the gym a few times a week and went on a very strict diet. She mainly only ate pre-made high protein meals that she had delivered. The thing is in two months she only lost 5 kg (2.5 pounds) because I don't think she was following the diet that strictly. That part is none of my concern really but here is my issue. The last two months Rachael had been declining a lot of my invitations out saying she's trying to stick to her diet and doesn't want to get tempted. Which is no problem. One time I invited her and a male friend to go to a singles board games event at a bar. She said she wanted to go and bought her ticket to the event. She has anxiety about catching public transport but our male friend lives close to her and was going to pick her up at home and drive her back too. Then like only one or two hours before the event, Rachael said she won't be coming because she'd previously cheated and not followed her diet, and she didn't want to get tempted. I didn't really say anything that time. Then last weekend I invited Rachael and my best friend Belinda to come with me to a comedy show which is part of an international comedy festival we have here. I invited them two weeks in advance and Rachael agreed to come. I actually had free tickets which I can get through a $35 annual membership with a promo event company that I have. But the actual comedy show tickets cost $35 each. I was able to only get three tickets for free. Prior to this Rachael told me that she's cheated on her diet by having doughnuts, wine and pizza at home a few times. On the day of the comedy show, only four hours in advance Rachael messaged and said she won't be coming because she's cheated on her diet and if she goes out she'll want to buy alcohol and something to eat, and she didn't want to get tempted. I tried to ask Rachael it was anything to do with her anxiety about getting public transport there on her own and that she can just be honest if it was. She said she was upset that I didn't believe her and that the real reason was her diet. After that I was really annoyed because I have a lot of friends and I could have asked lots of other people to come to the show. While the tickets were free, I have access to them because I have a paid membership with this free promo company. Also Rachael didn't even apologise for cancelling because of her diet until I said I was annoyed about it. All she said was "am sorry". I tried talking to her about it on Facebook Messenger tonight that I was upset about what happened. I said that I want to be supportive if it's her mental health, but if it's the diet it's not really an excuse. I said it's her responsibility to follow that diet if she wants to be on it. I said she's been eating junk food and drinking at home by her own choice but then cancelling on events we had together. She said she would need to speak to her therapist first before replying because what I said was just too distressing. So it seemed to me like once again she just doesn't think she acted rude and is playing the victim.