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deebee

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Everything posted by deebee

  1. deebee
    Thanks for your replies. I guess it is true that if I feel the need to write to show I am over her, that I am not! And it may not be a good thing to do. What do I want to achieve? To establish a line of communication, clear the air about the lack of contact and at least leave things on a friendly basis. I don't want to continue communications, become 'just good friends' or to try and make her come back to me. None of those things would work. It wouldn't be an angry or hurtful letter, telling her how the break up made me feel or anything. I have written that stuff down some time ago but didn't feel it would do any good by sharing it with her. More to get my own feelings straight and move on. I am feeling more ambivalent about writing now though. I had seen it as a step forwards, that I was in a position to consider contacting her without anger or opening up emotional wounds. That it would signal to her and to me that I had moved on. But perhaps the answer is simply to move on, without looking back...
  2. deebee
    It's been eight months since my girlfriend dumped me and I've maintained No Contact ever since (except one e-mail from her after two months). I wondered if I should write to her? I do still think about her - not all the time and not in a romantic or sexual way - more about the loss itself and the aftermath. After eight months of no contact at all, I was wondering should I write a brief letter to her? Mainly I want to explain why it wasn't possible for me to stay in touch. And to find out how she's getting on with her life, renovating her house, her job etc. Maybe I am feeling the urge to let her know that I have got on with my life too? Whilst we only saw each other for five months, it was intense, passionate and romantic. This made the break up hard for me. Anyway, as time has passed I feel much better and think that I have got over most of the negative emotions. Going on holiday was probably one of the best things for that. I haven't seen her since we split, but I suspect - knowing what I know now - that she will be seeing someone. Probably right after, if not before, the split. Could do without knowing the details of her love life, so I won't be asking. So should I write, or is it best avoided altogether? There is a chance we could bump in to each other and I want to have had some communication between us before then. It would also give me some control back. Your advice would be appreciated, as always!
  3. deebee
    Six months NC and counting! Yes, there are times when it sucks and it seems petty and cruel. But every time I've thought about finding out how she is, or thought about getting in touch I choose not to act on it. Then after while, I look back and realise that it would have been a bad decision. Usually I realise that what I wanted was to get back a little piece of the relationship in some way, relive the connection that we had. And that can't happen now. Most recently I have been wanting to write just to say hello and ask how she is doing in her life. I want her to know that the NC isn't because I'm sulking, or I've forgotten, or she didn't mean anything, or because I wanted to hurt her. Just that it was the best way for me to deal with the break up and move on.
  4. deebee
    Try link removed or link removed. It is quite illuminating and will raise questions about your own commitment issues as well as those of your partner. Could be shorter, but worth the effort. Has changed the way I view relationships. Another book I strongly recommend is link removed by Paul McKenna. Will help you get over the break up quicker and more healthily.
  5. deebee
    My advice is to read 'He's Scared, She's Scared' which is all about commitmentphobic relationships. Moving on to a new partner immediately after dumping someone is a classic characteristic of what the book calls an 'active runner'. She has a lot of growing up to do. She has replaced a relationship that got a little too 'real' with a new one that she can impose her own fantasies on. Haven't got the space to go in to it in depth, but you are better off now! You very likely did nothing 'wrong'.
  6. deebee
    Hi kaboom1218, yes I did want to call my ex after dreaming she had died. But I put myself in her place and realised that calling her out of the blue like that would have appeared strange. This imaginary event had happened in a dream and upset me, but it didn't have a direct bearing on real life. I hadn't contacted her for three months during all the real and painful times I went through after the break up, so why now when I had a bad dream about her?! I got over it...you will too!
  7. deebee
    I think my dream may have reflected the guilt I felt about 'killing' the feelings I had for her, as part of the healing process. Probably! Who knows, the sub-conscience is a strange thing. With a bigger perspective (such as if either of us were to die or get seriously ill), any differences between us pale in to insignificance. But then I was the dumpee so I will have a different perspective on it to my ex. I haven't seen or spoken to her for over three and a half months, so in a way she is 'dead'. These feelings could also be a result of idealising the relationship and the ex after the split. It hurts to realise how you should have behaved, or need to change only AFTER the end of the relationship which once gave you so much joy. Life has a way of teaching you things!
  8. deebee
    I had an awful dream last night. So bad it woke me up and it took me a while to realise it was only a dream. I dreamt my ex was dead and that I was at her funeral. One of those dreams that seems too real, it made me feel terrible. I felt so sad that she died after we had split and that we hadn't had the happiness we should have. She was far too young and had so much to live for, she was always a happy, smiling person. The loss was awful. Somehow I only found out near the time of the funeral. Her mother was there too. Whilst it felt horrible, so bad that I think my sub-conscious made me wake up to stop it, it did help me know it was only a dream. The details were wrong: in the dream she was 28, in real life she is 32; the place and the people weren't familiar to me, except her Mum. Even though I knew it was a dream, it shook me up because the emotions were real. Nasty. I wanted to ring her to find out if she was OK. Guess it symbolises the 'death' of our relationship?! Any dream analysts out there have an alternative interpretation?
  9. deebee
    I don't think it is mean. You need to recover first. This has been a big emotional upset for you and she was a big factor in causing it (without reading you previous post - the URL didn't work BTW). My guess is that hearing from her will bring up conflicts/negative emotions and this will hamper your recovery. [Edit: Just read your reply and think you recognise this, hence the post]. The trouble is, part of you wants to hear her too! It is tricky, I know. Many times I've almost called or written to my ex. If I am honest with myself, it is when I secretly want her back. When I get over that feeling, I know it would have been a bad idea in the long run. You can always make brief contact by e-mail, it's less personal. Maybe even say that you don't want to be 'friends' right now, although there might be a time when you can be. Keep up the No Contact and all that other healing stuff!
  10. deebee
    Hold on to the ticket for now. See how you feel in a few weeks/months time. Maybe you can turn this in to a positive by taking a new date? "You were a mistake"? Ouch! Take someone that will appreciate you. Isn't La Boheme a bit of a tear-jerker?! Puccini knows how to tug those heart strings powerfully. If you don't go, don't beat yourself up about it. We are all allowed to do things that seem like great ideas at the time, but which we regret later.
  11. deebee
    Splendidlylost, that has been a factor in both my last relationships and a source of great frustration for me. As you rightly point out, these barriers to hurt also act as barriers to love! If you don't want to ever get hurt, then don't fall in love. I'd rather take my chances. I got the feeling my ex broke up with me to pre-empt further "hurt", or to pre-empt me splitting up with her. She had given an ultimatum about what she wouldn't take before. The 'hurt' was my depression and occasional withdrawal (largely initiated by being unemployed at the time), which she took personally. I thought that our love would see us through these problems. I asked her not to see barriers to our compatibility. No-one is perfect. But this was clearly too much for her and didn't match up to the image of the relationship she had in her head. I too saw our differences, but wanted to stay with her because of the strength of the connection I thought we had. My ex-ex even resisted getting IN to the relationship by saying she didn't want to get hurt! We almost broke up before we had even got together Of course, as soon as a problem came up later, so did her barriers and her fears became justified. I could practically see the thought bubble that said: "See?! I knew that this would happen. I let myself get involved with a man again and I've been hurt again. Well I won't let you hurt me anymore, I'm going away from you so you can't do this to me". Writing it out like this, it seems a child-like response. Which does point to a deeper psychological issue relating to ones inner child. Time for me to go and read a book...
  12. deebee
    Glad to be of some help. although I can't take all the credit. I got the no booze tip from VitalCoaching and the rubber band tip from Eatz. One reason why I think it helps me feel better is that I am in control of something which is benefitting my state of mind and general well-being, and it feels good. When you have been dumped you are at the mercy of a hoard of negative emotions and it takes time and energy to deal with them. You need to have everything on your side to recover. Only two bottles of beer this weekend!
  13. deebee
    Good for you!
  14. deebee
    Yes. weekends suck! Too much time to think about how great they used to be when your ex was around, the things you used to do together etc. Weekend mornings are the worst for me. Lying in bed alone without having to get up to work always reminds me that she's not there with me If I'm not careful, this can get depressing. It helps to keep busy. Plan your weekends so you always have something to do and to look forward to. Socialise with old friends, go away somewhere, do things you've never done before, exercise etc etc. Good time for focussing on yourself and rebuilding your confidence. Don't expect to get back where you were instantly, it does take time...(three and a half months for me).
  15. deebee
    Something worth mentioning that may help those going through a break up now. I have stopped drinking on weekdays for over a month now and feel a lot more positive and in control of my life. I feel sharper in the mornings and I can do more in the evenings as well. I still have a drink at the weekends, but only a few glasses. So I would recommend cutting out alcohol if you are going through a break up. I realised that I tended to feel more depressed and have more negative thoughts when I drank. Although it feels like you can block out those negative thoughts by drinking, it only makes them worse. It's made me more aware of the effect alcohol has on my emotions. Another helpful tip I picked up was wearing an elastic band on your wrist. Give it a snap when you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts/daydreaming about your ex. I wasn't drinking a lot, up to half a bottle of wine a night, maybe more at weekends. The hardest bit was not having wine to go with my meal, but it was fine once I got out of the habit. Now I have got a variety of different soft drinks to choose from. Still have wine at the weekends - no point depriving yourself of one of life's pleasures! I have always done a lot of cycling which keeps me fit and I take good care of my body, having a good diet, drinking plenty of water, doing yoga and so on. All of which are to be recommened too! Anyway, if you do drink, try stopping and see if it helps.
  16. deebee
    Good for you spaceandtime. There's hope for us all!
  17. deebee
    Hi Aktrez, congratulations and welcome back... The answer is you just get over it if he is the one for you. This was going to be one of the likely outcomes of the deal you struck with him. Take it as a compliment that he returned to you over this other woman, and with a new attitude. My doubts were about whether he felt the same for you as you did for him. Make sure you are satisfied that this is now the case, as the break hasn't been long (not the six months he originally stated). You don't want to be going through that again! Take it steady and see how it goes. Why not post a summary of your situation in the 'Ask the Expert' thread in the Breaking Up forum? A professional psychotherapist and relationship coach is answering the questions.
  18. deebee
    Well done Bones, sounds like you have taken positive steps. It takes courage to recognise the need to change oneself, and more to do something about it. You are right that the only person you can truly influence and change is yourself. Hope the benefits of counselling continue - I guess there may be tough parts you need to get through before reaching the other side? Well done on cutting out the booze. I have also stopped drinking in the week (didn't think it was realistic to stop entirely!) and have felt much better. I wasn't a heavy drinker (up to half a bottle of wine a night), but I realised that it only encouraged depression and negativity when I was feeling down after the break up. Now I feel a lot sharper in the mornings and have more time to do things in the evenings too. I feel I am more in control of and in touch with my true 'self', if that makes sense? It's been about four weeks for me. Difficult to start with, but once the habit was broken I have got used to it and even enjoy sobriety! Well done, sounds like you have regained some control over your life and are enjoying it!
  19. deebee
    Apologies upfront, but as I am reading 'Men are from Mars...' at the moment, my advice comes from that! The book says that men typically try and solve problems with their conversations, whereas women typically voice concerns, worries etc. Generalising of course. But he thought he was helping you with advice on your job search. Whereas you felt he was dismissing your concerns by not empathising with you and letting you talk out your worries. Does that sound right?! The whole 'how was your day' conversation is practically a chapter in the book! It is used to illustrate the differences we have in communicating. I would suggest that you aren't being needy. The fact that you think he should be giving you 'unconditional' love and isn't, suggests that you do need to tell him what your needs are. One of the section summaries says: "When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more". Get the book!
  20. deebee
    Reading your posts it struck me that your issues are very similar to ones dealt with in 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' which I'm reading right now! For example, men need to withdraw from time to time (especially if they feel they are 'losing' themselves). This is natural, but we just need to let our gf's know that 'we'll be back'. The way you let him know how his behaviour annoyed you was good - he wasn't aware of the effect it had on you and he has changed, by the sounds of things. It is a two-way thing, even when you think the blame lies with him. A basic mistake I have made in the past is expecting the other person to 'just get it', whatever 'it' was. Well, no matter how intimate you are, they aren't inside your brain, so you've got to let them know! Anyway, I would definitely recommend 'Men are from Mars...'. It has been a real eye opener for me. I think my last relationship may not have ended if we had both read it and communicated better with each other.
  21. deebee
    I ask myself that question too. I also thought that the chemistry was great and we could work out any problems. But she obviously didn't... I suspect, although it may be wishful thinking, that she sometimes thinks breaking up was a mistake. There is a precedent - she bought her own house earlier this year, with great plans to renovate it. It was a lot to take on and I don't think she realised the work and money it would take. But she was very enthusiastic and I supported her in that. One evening over dinner she suddenly exclaimed: "I think I've just made the biggest mistake of my life!". This was buying the house, by the way, not me! This was about three months after moving in. Next day, she was back to normal and had no doubts. No contact means I won't really find out. I also wonder if she met someone else, so sudden was her change of heart. Anyway, this is a question with which you can endlessly torture yourself. The important point is our ex's believe they are better off, or they wouldn't have let us go in the first place.
  22. deebee
    I think the white lie was OK in the circumstances. I think she may have been point-scoring by telling you about her two dates. At best, it was insensitive. My interpretation would be that she is moving on, so the NC should continue.
  23. deebee
    Hi Sandbox, thanks for introducing me to the concept of limerence! Until I looked it up, I thought you might have been a disease (and now I know what it is, I still think it might be ). Very interesting, I think I may well tend towards it myself... Sorry to hear about the break up, sounds rough on you. Any chance of talking to him to get better reasoning than 'it's not working'? Sounds a bit like my break, only she gave more reasons. I thought they were trivial though, but I wasn't able to change her mind. I guess the point was that to her they were valid reasons as to why it wasn't working and that was that. I'm a cyclist too and know it's not something you can just give up. So keep riding, on your own if you have to. The exercise is a great stress reliever during times like this. It will help clear your head and it's important to maintain a good self-image and keep up with routines. Maybe it would be worth trying the other club, even if it is out of your way. No Contact would be hard if you keep meeting, as you will keep stirring up lots of hurt/confusion/anger etc which would prevent you from healing and moving on. If it's only a week or so since the split (am I right in assuming that?), I can understand that it would definitely be hard for you if you met. But as time goes on and you come to terms with it, your feelings will change. It may be months before you are able to speak or meet with it affecting you though. My ex lives in the next town and it's on several of my cycle routes, so I worry about seeing her when I pass through. But after three months of No Contact since the break, I think I will be OK. Give it time and keep riding.
  24. deebee
    No it's not selfish at all. Who doesn't want to love and be loved back?! But it is difficult for you when he feels he can't reciprocate. It is illuminating to see this from 'the other side'. When I am depressed I get so wrapped up in my own world with it's problems (usually self-inflicted). It can be a shock to see yourself how others see you, enough to snap out of it. I don't want to be like that, and I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't either. I think it had a negative impact on my last relationship. My ex claimed she understood how I felt, but I always felt that to be just lip servicel. When push came to shove it was used against me in the break up. That's why I hope that I can give provide some insight that will help you guys through this situation. Take Muneca's advice and ride it out. You still love each other and that's what counts!
  25. deebee
    What have I learnt? That it wasn't ALL my fault! That it's over once one partner withdraws their love That I should communicate my feelings and opinions more readily That I shouldn't place too much emphasis on the relationship and my partner for my own happiness To listen to my gut instincts more To pull back a bit if I am falling madly in love. It feels good but can blind you to rational thought! That being totally open and allowing your partner to share your fears and negative emotions can backfire on you later... That I can cope with the fallout and recover
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