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deebee

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Everything posted by deebee

  1. deebee
    Hi Aktrez, sorry you feel that all the advice you have asked for and received has not been helpful. Of course, none of us is in your shoes and only you can decide what is right for you. But all these people have valid opinions gained through their real life experiences which they have shared with you in the hope of helping you out and supporting you through your difficult time. Were they ALL somehow colluding in an effort to spoil your chance of happiness? I don't think so. Just trying to offer objective advice. I sincerely hope that things do work out for the best and that you return to post an update. Best wishes.
  2. deebee
    Ah yes, good old computer games! My friends I know things are bad if I am playing PC games a lot. A bit of escapism may be a good thing in the circumstances! They allow you to operate in a different world, which is logical and free from this world's emotional troubles. They give you a form of control which may be lacking in real life. I guess you won't get the guarantee about getting back together that you need, but be reassured that he said he loves you and hasn't said the relationship is failing or he wants out. Hopefully, once he sorts himself out things will be better. Does he know how to get himself out of it? It took me a while to work out how to cope. It is obviously affecting your relationship though. Would some counselling help? Let me know how you get on.
  3. deebee
    You've got the right idea whitefang. Just try it! If you don't like it, try something else! When you're feeling low, it's important to do something to get yourself out of that rut. Exercise is a pretty good antidote to depression and low self-image. So can a bit of intellectual stimulation, like taking a foreign language class or something. Best of luck, let us know how it goes.
  4. deebee
    You are not alone EatZ! Maybe I took notice because your avatar is a picture of you, which stood out. You also seem to have been going through the same thing on a similar timescale to me (nearly three months since B Day). I haven't posted my warts and all story on here either, but have tended to talk about bits and pieces in response to other posts. I think I've only started one post, when my ex e-mailed me and I wanted advice on how to respond. I've found it helpful to read about other peoples situations and how they relate to mine. It's funny when you look back on how you felt right after the break. Like you, I thought it would stay with me forever. Now it seems like an age away. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm moving towards it. Hope it's not a train!
  5. deebee
    I'd be interested to know the answer to that one as well. What is the success rate of couples that get back together after a split? Perhaps a quick poll could be organised? I haven't seen any posts saying that getting back together has worked and everything is great, although I admit I haven't been looking hard for them. Most posts say that no contact is the way to go, either to heal after the break, or as a method of getting your ex back. Most posts also say that a break is a break up, and that it's never the same, you can't recapture the magic. But what if both parties have a change of heart - can it work? Let me know if getting back together has worked out for you!
  6. deebee
    Sorry Aktrez, you seem a nice person but you are deluding yourself if you think this situation is OK in any way. I have to agree with Skynet74 and d346 on this one. It is very frustrating to sit here and see these posts on such a regular basis. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! He is not being as honest as you. I fear you are saving up some major pain down the line, yet again. Quite frankly, this is dishonest BS and I am dismayed that you can't see it. I'm sure he is a 'nice guy' and all that, but there are so many 'get out of jail free' clauses here. Talk about having your cake and eating it. You sit on your hands whilst he plays the field and has 'fun' with other women. All the while he has you to fall back on if needed? Sorry, but this shows no respect for you. Some questions: Say you get to the six months and he decides he DOESN'T want you back? Or he does, then in another year or two, he gets cold feet again? If he doesn't know after four YEARS, why does he need another six months? How will you last six months of this emotional rollercoaster? What if he finds 'someone else' in six months? It does 'get physical' anyway, does that mean its over for you? etc etc Take a look at Princess777's post about being objective: link removed
  7. deebee
    Thanks for the reminder, Princess777. It takes some doing, but I'm at the point where that separation is starting to happen for me too. It's nearly three months since the break up and I think I'm in the anger phase: I REFUSE to let it grind me down anymore! Like EatZ, I try and catch those pesky negative thoughts before they worm their way into my brain. Strangely, I did come to the same conclusion as you quite early after the break. After the shock had subsided, my rational side took over and it was a huge relief. I was glad to have survived such a deep emotional crisis with my head intact. But as time went on, I slid back and forth, went up and down, whilst slowly making progress. Now my train of thought is more along the lines of what an idiot my ex was to let go of our relationship. No Contact has been a useful mechanism to get the distance necessary to reach this point. And it actually makes me feel more positive! I've been busier doing some of the things I kept meaning to, like working on my car, riding my bike, getting my hair cut, applying for jobs and so on. I even stopped drinking on weekdays and have felt a lot sharper and in control. Guess what? Got an interview for a great job next week and another job offer in the bag! Soon I'll be in a better job, earning more money, feeling more confident and secure, being more at ease with my self and my life, and generally just happier. But she won't be around to see and share any of that because she thought I wasn't good enough for her. What an IDIOT!! EatZ - glad to see you are feeling better too!
  8. deebee
    You do have the strength. REFUSE to let this thing beat you down. It hurts like hell now, but it does get better. One day you will look back and realise you hurt a little less today than you did yesterday. Read the posts on this forum for advice and realise that you are not alone. OK, so she 'brought you out of a crappy life', but you were there too remember? It was you that did it too.
  9. deebee
    It sounds as though he is depressed. From my own experience of mild to moderate depression, I have found it very difficult to love when I feel like that. I also find it very difficult to talk about anything, let alone deep emotions. I withdraw into myself and just need to get past it. Has he had episodes like this before? What I've found is that others tend to take my silence and introspection as some sort of insult, sulk or comment on them. But inside I am just trying desparately hard just to keep myself together and operate on a normal level. So for me, it is important that people I love are 'on my side', even if when I know I'm not fun to be around! He has said that he still loves you, so that should be some consolation even though it is a difficult time for you. Try giving him the time and space he needs. You have already let him know you are there for him and aren't judging him, which is good. 'Not giving you enough' may be the issue for him though, despite your support (which I applaud). Maybe he feels bad that he should be able to do better for you? Does he have self-esteem and self-confidence issues? The finance thing also strikes a chord. I was made redundant last year and, despite a pay off, had to live off my savings for many months. This was a highly stressful time for me, trying to spend as little as possible, not knowing how long I would have to make my money last. It was made worse by not being able to find meaningful employment. So that made me feel bad about myself too and had a knock-on effect on the relationship I was in. But now I've had a temp job for a few months and have been paying my bills. It has relieved the pressure a lot! If my gf hadn't dumped me, I'd be feeling great!! I guess the main point is that things will get better for him. If you decide to stick around for him when they do, I think will appreciate you even more! Is this any help?
  10. deebee

    wat do I do

    deebee replied to flacachic's topic in Pregnancy

    Get her to take professional advice as soon as possible (family planning centre/doctor's surgery etc). Go with her if she needs support. They will help you discuss the options open to your friend. Parents may or may not need to be told about it, depending on the laws in your part of the world. But get that advice now!
  11. deebee
    I know how you feel. I am angry with my ex for throwing what we had away. I have never had such strong feelings for anyone. Granted, I've only had two serious relationships, but this last one made me realise what love really was for the first time. We may not have been soul mates, but it was very good! And she threw it away!! For God's sake, this sort of thing doesn't happen every day, you idiot!! Her reasons for ending it seemed trivial to me. I would have worked through them, but she saw them as barriers. We had that bond you talked about, it was like a physical connection in my chest. You can't buy that in the shops... I was going through some tough times myself and accept that I made mistakes in the relationship. Don't want to make it sound like it was all her fault. But things have got better for me and we would have got through it together. So hearing: "There are plenty more fish in the sea", "You will find someone else" is no comfort. The search for somebody to love isn't easy, that's why it's so special when you do find them and they feel the same way. Guess I am still at the stage where I don't want someone else yet, I want the one I just found thanks. And that's why it hurts when they don't want you anymore... In my case, the reality of the split made me realise our differences more than before. A window in to her mental processes, if you like. So I don't think there will be a reconciliation, as much as I sometimes long for it.
  12. deebee
    The letter should help kick off your discussion, which can only be a good thing in the long term, however things pan out. It's a good start. Hope it helps things along.
  13. deebee
    Sorry, I read this as meaning he had moved in to an apartment? His on/off behaviour confuses me, so I can only guess at what it does to you! All I can suggest is that you sit down and talk things through. 'Going with it' would still leave room for the confusion and potential misinterpretation that is causing problems for you. Anyone else on the forum got some experience of counselling/guidance to offer here?! I'm all out of advice...
  14. deebee
    My thoughts, other than the ones I've already given to you, are that he is clearly still physically attracted to you and enjoys that part of the relationship. This physical approval of all kinds seems very important to you, from the posts you have made. However, I think his actions (moving out - hooray, by the way) demonstrate his true intentions. So no, I don't think you are back together. I think the sex has more strings attached for you than it does for him. The more contact you have with him it seems, the more hurt and confused you appear to get. This is why I think it would be good idea to cut off contact with him and be more assertive in ensuring this happens. The 'new found affection' could be a result of not seeing you for one week. Another reason to insist on some distance between you so that he can really decide whether you are the one he wants. Sorry? Isn't he already turning away? He wants to see other women and has moved out. I really think you DO need to bring it up for your own sake. One way or the other, it needs to be sorted out. Again, be assertive. I am not a psychologist or therapist, so don't want to offer any more profound advice other than that based on my own (limited) experience and what I've learnt from this site. There are plenty of good books which could help you out with any deeper issues. My original opinions on your situation still stand though! Good luck.
  15. deebee
    Hi Aktrez, how's it going? What are your thoughts on these replies?
  16. deebee
    9 inches? You don't need ANY help making it look bigger.
  17. deebee
    You really need to cut off all contact from this guy, for your own mental and physical health. I know this will be hard - I've read some of your other posts and kept up with your situation, which I is somewhat complicated. You love him, but he wants to 'play the field' and somehow keep you as a 'reserve'?! And you live together. This is intolerable! If that's what he wants to do then he should leave if he has any respect at all for you as a person, let alone his (former) girlfriend. You must be more assertive in the relationship. Every time he comes back in to your life it kills you inside and there is another post on the forum! Go back and re-read some of the excellent advice others have given you and act on it. There are always ways and means, you are not stuck in this situation. There are actions you can take. Couch is uncomfortable for him? Boo hoo! Get a camp bed and don't let him crawl in bed with you at 2am. Surprise, surprise, he ends up having sex with you which, whilst it's great at the time, makes you feel even worse afterwards. Move out, share a flat with some other girls if that's what it takes. You'll have the beginnings of a social life outside the relationship. Tell him not to contact you for a period of time until he has 'got it out of his system'. And stick to it. For your own sake. Because at the moment it is like picking at a fresh scab - it's painful and it never heals. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's well meant and borne out of sympathy with the obvious pain the situation is causing you. There are positive actions you can take. Best wishes.
  18. deebee
    A month of NC felt like a year to me, it was an emotional pounding. Three months later I am feeling so much better as time has done its thing. But I know I am not ready to speak to her or meet, even now. My ex was the type that always seemed happy-go-lucky, so I guess she would give the impression that her life was great, even if it wasn't. Of course, I too wonder if she went through what I did and if she has any regrets. It would clearly cause you a great deal of anguish to meet up with her again, so don't do it. You need the distance from her to come to terms with the split. It will take as long as it needs to, but you will know when you are ready to talk to her again. But by then, you may well have met someone even more fantastic!
  19. deebee
    I can see your point, but not sure if I agree. Is there a risk of repressing the natural grief by avoiding exposure to pictures and music? I would agree that constantly looking at pictures and endlessly wallowing in emotional music is not a good thing. But I think there's a grief process to be gone through, whether we like it or not! Some music is most definitely your friend. It can be uplifting, take you out of yourself, or even make you think differently. And if you can look at those pictures and feel less sad than you did before, then you're getting over it!
  20. deebee
    Excellent post HeartTickle, I mean HeartShock! Stuff like that is why I keep coming back to this forum. I have learnt so much from other people's experiences and opinions. I am sure that my next relationship will be better for it. Still feeling miserable after three months, but have kept up the NC and it has helped. I share some of [self]DestructoBoy's leanings towards introspection and misery. So a HeartShock was just what the doctor ordered, thanks!
  21. deebee
    I thought I was doing well with No Contact too after my girlfriend dumped me. It seemed to be the only way forwards, but recently I feel I've been going backwards! It was tough at first and I thought about her all the time. Then it slowly got better and I even felt good! But I discovered it wasn't a linear process. The first time I really cried about it was two months after the split. I thought the worst had passed, but I was overcome with grief when I listened to 'Hallelujah' by Jeff Buckley. The pain of the loss really hit me. Maybe I repressed these feelings in order to just survive? Sooner or later they will come out. She e-mailed me after two months, asking how I was and saying that she had a couple of things of mine. I replied courteously but briefly. Said I was OK, asked how she was, mentioned a couple of newsy items, said I didn't need the things back and left it at that. I knew I wasn't ready to see or speak to her and felt good about the way I handled it. But I also want to know how she is and what she is feeling. Of course I have the usual fantasies where we meet up, rekindle our lost love and all is forgiven! But back in the real world, I know that No Contact is helping me move on. It's 'two steps forward, one step back', but I think it works. And there's always this forum for the bad days!
  22. deebee
    When I fell in love with my ex it seemed like all the songs on the radio were about being in love. Even the cheesy ones got to me, like the link removed . Now I can't move for hearing break up songs But there is one song that has had a huge impact on me after we split. The song is 'Dry your eyes' by link removed. It was like someone had read my mind and put it in a song a surreal sensation. It almost perfectly describes the time my girlfriend broke up with me. For weeks, hearing it sent a shiver down my spine and made me stop whatever I was doing. It was reassuring to know that other men had gone through the same thing though. This song, more than anything else, helped me realise that, no matter how painful, I had to accept the situation and move on, even though it would hurt... The artist is Mike Skinner, a young guy who seems to have a knack of putting real life experiences in to song in a direct and original way. Some of the media in the UK tout him as a 'modern day Shakespeare', but he deserves all the plaudits for this song. You can stream the video from link removed Another song that has made me cry like a kid whose pet just died was link removed.
  23. deebee
    Cheers dude! Still no reply from her, so I don't know what she is thinking or how she is. I find I still miss her though, more so on the weekends. Can't help thinking my life was so much better with her in it Guess that will last until someone else comes along? Unless she comes back and says she has grown and changed the way she thinks Wishful thinking - you can't change how other people think and feel. I felt I made a lot of the effort in the relationship; organising days out, cooking her great meals, thoughtful presents, coming up with things to do etc. I admit that I occasionally became distant from her, mainly caused by the stress and depression brought on by being out of work. I tend towards introspection and self-absorption when under stress, it's how I cope with it. But this makes others feel I am blocking them out. I also worried about our differences (in private), but came to terms with them as I realised we had a strong connection. But I felt like I was being judged or graded on my behaviour, with her backing off whenever she felt like I didn't care about her. Like she measured out her involvement with me in some way? I told her not to look for reasons for why we were different, as she could always find them. Look for reasons why we were compatible and enjoyed each other's company! I think that I no longer matched up to her image of an ideal partner any more, hence the falling out of love. Either that, or she found someone else?! She also wanted it to be like the intense first month we had when we fell in love so fast it scared us both. The week before the break-up, she had been on holiday with 'some friends' for a long weekend (organised at a time when she thought I didn't care about her, but she only told me she was going some time later). When she came back, she was distant, physically and emotionally, and I knew something was seriously wrong. That's why I brought it up a week later as described in my original post. I don't find it easy to find new partners though - this was only my second serious relationship. It's even harder for me than finding a good job and I'm finding that pretty tough. Having been made redundant twice in two years, I have only worked for nine months in that time. Now doing manual work locally for low pay (a third of the salary of my last 'proper' job!) until I get something better. I think any dating will have to wait until I am more secure with a new job. There's always speed dating...
  24. deebee
    Amen to that!
  25. deebee
    I sent a brief but friendly reply to her on Wednesday evening. I did say that if she wanted to return my stuff to drop it on my doorstep or give it to charity as I hadn't missed it. Hope this gave the hint that I am not ready for further contact yet! And maybe not so depressed as she thought I might be? There has been no further response from her (it's now Friday evening) so I can't gauge her reaction to my reply or gain further insight in to her motivation for the initial contact. But I feel OK about it. I wasn't angry, didn't play the victim, didn't appear weak and needy and even resisted the temptation to tell her that her ex (who lives close by) has a new girlfriend and car! In general I feel more positive and confident than I have for some time.
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