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AB38

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  1. AB38
    well said MajorD. I think that it would be wise for some on this forum to switch to the forum, "healing after break up or divorce." I can say that because I have "healed". I initiated NC to gain back my dignity and respect for myself. I like the rose colored lenses thing. I called it "the fog" in my earlier posts. And basically, I took charge of my emotions, stepped back and was able to see the relationship more objectively. From there, I made a conscious decision to move on, realizing that she truly was not "the one." And any efforts in trying to make her "the one" would be a waste of emotional energy on both of us. You can't, no matter how you try, fit a square peg into a round hole. So the solution is go and find the round peg.
  2. AB38
    It's a good thing that you asked him not to contact you. Sounds as if you are trying to heal and staying strong but now have had one of those moments of weakness. Please do not torture yourself by wondering what he is doing. I know, the weekends are especially tough. By letting your mind wander like that is counterproductive to the healing process. If he has dumped you for the third time, then in my opinion, it is time for you to move on. Do your best to not talk to him, e-mail him, etc. Go be with friends this weekend, it will take you mind off of things. I know it hurts, but time will heal, I promise. Keep your head up!
  3. AB38
    I am so tired and worn out with the whole NC thing!!! Folks, this is very plain and simple, NC is not a strategy, a game, or whatever everyone is calling it in this thread. It is not to get your ex back, PERIOD, THE END. You broke up for a reason. There is no explanation except maybe that you were NOT COMPATIBLE!!!! Stop using "no contact" for the wrong reasons. You broke up and now you are not going to call them so you can heal. And time does heal. Have respect for yourself and your ex. Cry, shout, whatever it takes to get them out of your system. If they come back 8-10 months later, chances are you have already moved on. If you take them back, then maybe you have both learned something and it was truly meant to be. Sorry to sound so jaded, but I am tired of reading about relationships that just are not working the 3rd and 4th time around.
  4. AB38
    Here is something that I posted a while back: I came to this forum for guidance, and thank God I did. I read the posts, hear other people's stories and realize that I am among friends. Now that a month has gone by, I am starting to ask myself a few questions. Why get back with my ex when everything was so wrong? Why would I want to prolong a relationship that was heading no where? For me it was because I had blinders on. I couldn't see past the comfort of having the "relationship". Knowing that my ex was close, ready to come over, go to a movie, go to dinner. It's all about the comfort level. That is exactly what blinds us during a break up. The fear of being alone and the fear of not finding anyone as good as our ex's. But then the fog starts to clear. We step back from ourselves and think about our own happiness. Were we truly happy with our ex? If we got back together, would everything be the same? Would the Love come back? Would we stop fighting? For those of you who got back together and things are working out, Great! You were able to come together, realize what was wrong and compromise. You now have the chance to build a stronger and more rewarding relationship. And for that, I applaud you. But for those who are still in the fog, I beg you to step outside yourself, figure out what makes you happy and make a decision that will effect you, not your ex. Take the time to examine yourself, it can be very rewarding. You may find that you are better off and you will find new strength to move on. I know that this is not the case for everyone, I just wanted to share my experience. My prayers go out to all of you who are in such pain right now, as I have said before, the sun will rise tomorrow.
  5. AB38
    Aktrez: I read your post and think, wow, what an incredibly difficult position you must be in. I think first off, you need to protect yourself. One of you has to move. Borrow the money if you can. In the mean time, try to stay away from the apartment. Go stay with friends. If you two have to be together under the same roof, don't let him see you crying. Easy said than done, I know, but you must find a way to pull yourself together when you are around him. You also need to show him that you will not stand for this. Be strong. He also needs to understand that it is not always greener on the other side. You two have a very good chance at getting back together, but not if you continue to live with each other. You both need some alone time to sort things out, maybe for him to miss you a bit.
  6. AB38
    nicely said, sparrow.
  7. AB38
    I agree with everyone except for one of the posts. Don't play games. Be honest, direct and tell her how you feel, if that is indeed what you truly want.
  8. AB38
    Just don't drive straight for it!! Work your way there, that starts with kissing, gently. Light hand strokes, kiss your way down. Once you get there, be in tune with her. You will know what makes her feel good. Every woman is different, they all have different pleasure zones. But rapid movements with your tongue, mixed with a little penetration should do the trick.
  9. AB38
    Go slowwwwww. Give her time to heal from this, otherwise you will be a replacement just filling a void. She kisses you goodbye, that's a great sign, but take it slow and easy.
  10. AB38
    JT: I think you knew this was going to happen. Everyone else is absolutely right. Just be honest with her. I just had to do the same thing with a girl I am dating, sort of. I told her that I still have a few skeletons in my closet and that we should slow things down a bit. I was amazed that she is ok with that, maybe your girl will be too. Maybe she will realize that this is a mutual rebound and be comfortable with the situation.
  11. AB38
    Sorry if I offended you. I just can relate with the pain that you have, and we don't want you to suffer if it is a lost cause. Will there be a point that you tell yourself that it's time to move on? If you feel that strongly about getting her back, then I applaud your efforts. Just be sure to protect your own emotional health along the way. If you two do get back together, I hope that she does see the real you and that you have changed for yourself and not for her. (Digleyd's advise was right on)
  12. AB38
    Danimal: I have been reading your posts, patiently. And now it's time for me to respond, and you may not like what I have to say. My friend, you are showing all the signs of Co-dependency. I was there, so I know what I am talking about. Granted, you love her, you miss her, you want her back. You will do anything to get her back. When you can't function in your normal life because you are constantly thinking about your ex, checking her e-mails, improving yourself for her, etc..you are co-dependent. Co-dependents tend to ingnore the self and sometimes mold themselves into what they think their partners desire. You need to break the cycle. The only for you to do that is to move on from her. Do not check her e-mails again. Can't you see that everyone in this forum thinks you need to move on? You are not listening to them. You were in an unhealthy relationship, and your ex saw that. You, unfortunately do not. You are blinded by the thoughts of her not ever being in your life again and you will do anything to get her back. You should have learned that after the 3rd break up, this relationship was never going to work. You need to learn to love yourself again, without her. You can become the confident man you portrayed to her earlier on. If you do not do this for yourself, you will carry this same thought process to your next relationship and the one after that. I know, I did it my whole life. I finally found the courage to break the cycle by learning to love myself again. It took 2 years alone and a lot of soul searching to do it. And to this day, I still find myself slipping back to my old ways. The posts don't say everything, and I may be wrong. But from what you have been posting, you are showing all the signs. I don't want to offend you, so sorry if I have.
  13. AB38
    Nobody can make you have an abortion. If you have doubts about that, I suggest you call Planned Parenthood. Go to this link: link removed
  14. AB38
    no. In some states, you don't even need permission. No one can force you, ever.
  15. AB38
    I would like to take the forgiveness subject one step further. I think it is extremely important for us to forgive our ex's after moving on. By letting go of the negative emotions, feelings, we will move on properly. And hopefully not carry with us the negativity into the next relationship. And we have to forgive ourselves too! It wasn't all their fault! I guess that's what happens when we adhere to NC, gives us time to think and reflect on the relationship. Know what things we did wrong, acknowledge them, learn from them.
  16. AB38
    Planb: I know exactly what you are going through, except I am on the other side. I broke up with my girlfriend who is 15 years younger. I guess I need to know, was it the age difference that caused the break up? Although my ex and I certainly could have had children, we decided to call it off because of the age gap. I am 39, she is 23. All I can tell you is that it is probably best that you move on, that is if you want children. I think he made it clear that there is no chance of reconciliation. Try and get through the event as best you can, try not to think about it. (easier said than done, I know.) Take other friends with you if it well help ease the situation. After the event, stick with NC at all costs. You will heal, it just takes time my friend.
  17. AB38
    first of all, welcome to the forum. If this is your first relationship, don't you want to get it started out on the right foot? There is nothing wrong with being a little stubborn, but in a successful relationship, two people have to find a way to resolve their differences. When you fight, fight constructively. There is always a little give and take. If it's all one sided, then the fight just prolongs itself. You can't have it your way all the time. If you have done something wrong, admit to it and apologize. Trust me, it's not that difficult. We all have to sacrafice a little pride every now and then. He called you and wanted to work things out? "Work Things Out" That in itself is his willingness to compromise. Now it's your turn. Talk about your fights, talk about what causes them. Pretty soon you will be laughing together on how trivial the reasons are.[/b]
  18. AB38
    I totally disagree drahcir! She might be very well trying to change her ways. You 2 are engaged, that say a lot right there. You need to trust her at this point, until she gives you a reason not to. Does she tell you that she loves you, do you have intimate moments with her? Have you ever discussed her "wild" days? Do not snoop any more into her computer archives, that in itself is creating a climate of dis-trust. I'm not saying dont care about it, I'm saying trust that she is with you, and she may just be having fun flirting. By not trusting her, you are showing that you are not confident about the relationship. (read the really long post by diglyd) If she sees that you are phased by this, it will only create more fights and eventually a possible break up. Just be careful how you discuss her flirtiness. Some women are just like that and they will never change. It's just a question if you can handle it. How old is she? Chances are that after you are married, the behavior is likely to stop. Hope that helps some.
  19. AB38
    Waqdecure: I followed all your posts, and I think I responded to a few. Congratulations my friend! I am glad to see that you are moving in the right direction. There are so many blessings in life and I think we all need to count them every once in a while. This post should be read by all, it's to the point and can help us rationalize the pain and the process of moving on. Cudos.
  20. AB38
    Not sure if I am qualified to answer this, but relationships are relationships, I guess the gender has nothing to do with it. My 2 cents? Don't try to rush this. This thing with the apartment should have nothing to do with you two getting back together, it will only add pressure to the situation in her eyes. Step back, stay with NC and give her time to think about things. If she proposed, I would have to say that maybe she is just scared a bit. Give it time and let us know what happens.
  21. AB38
    i agree with the previous post. Watch her body language. There is a big difference between looking at someone in a flirtacious way, and using body language.
  22. AB38
    Then as hard as it will be, you have to be very patient. Be a friend to her, but be careful not to cross the line. When she is ready for something more, you will know.
  23. AB38
    Sometimes, women do not want to date people they work with, you know the addage, "dipping the pen in the company ink" Because if things go wrong, you still have to work with that person. Did you say or do anything to scare her off? If you really want to be with this girl, lay low a bit. Be her friend and nothing more. If there is something there, she will let you know.
  24. AB38
    Curly: He should be a bit more understanding than that! You are a student, who works hard during the school year. This is your time to relax!! If he can't see that, then I'm sorry, he is not worth your time. However, if you feel like you to stay busy, try volunteering. Go spend a day at the SPCA, a retirement home, a blood drive. It will make you feel better about yourself. But do it for your own self worth, not for him. I'm still having a hard time believing that the reason why you broke up is because of "you not having your own life."
  25. AB38
    Well my friend, I think that we have all experienced what you are going through. I guess I need to know, has she shown a willingness to come back? If so, be careful. In order for you to move forward, she will have to confess in my opinion. Do you know for certain that she cheated on you? If she did and doesn't admit to it, then it seems to me that she is not committed to saving the relationship. Honesty is the core of a successful relationship! I don't know what to tell you about healing, everybody has so many answers here. Everyone deals with pain and loss differently. Try and focus on yourself right now. Stay busy! Love should never make you feel chained to someone. Love should feel more like a magnet. Two people should be drawn together by love, not held down. At least that's my opinion.
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