Marco

This is an interesting topic that hits close to home. I agree with most of the above and would add that you need to look at your whole relationship. If it feels strong and the conversations with others are platonic, then you have nothing to worry about...but don't turn a blind eye either. While on this topic, not to hijack this thread, but I'd like to hear others thoughts on something my wife and I argue about. I say the carrying on private internet message conversations with strange men (none of which I know) is wrong...espcially when many of these relationships were formed solely based on the guys trying to hit on her before we were married. I say it would be like me getting phone calls at home from strange, single ladies and/or having a "little black book" that she doesn't know about. She says the internet doesn't count (but says she's not doing anything wrong anyway). I say using the internet to carry on conversations with unfamiliar single men is just as wrong as them calling her. And yes, I have caught her having "inappropriate" conversations. She's stopped the inappropriate stuff (I hope) but I'm still unsettled knowing that all this internet messaging goes on. Am I wrong? Survey please!

Well a lots happened since I started this message string. I really allowed myself to trust her over the lsat few months and our relationship flourished. We get along very well. So we got married in September!! We are very happy and all the concerns I had were melting away. But honestly, after all that happened, I still kept an eye out for clues that she might still be behaving inappropriately. Most of my concerns continued to focus on what she did on the internet in terms of conversations. Unfortunately, a couple of weeks ago, someone sent me screen shots of a conversation my now wife was having with another man in a game chat room. This was one of the guys I had caught her flirting withonline before. They were talking mushy to each other with sexual overtones. It was clear she was web camming with this dude as well. Of course, I was shocked, hurt, disappointed etc. I confronted her with it and she tried to deny it at first but ultimately somewhat owned up to it. As she had before, she insists that it means nothing and she promised she would never do it again. I'm trying to believe and trust her, but this incidnet once again has shaken my trust. Now she senses my suspiciousness and I must admit have since falsely accused her of some things related to all of this. Any advise?? Everything else between us is incredible, and I really don't believe she has done anything other than the computer stuff. But, my concenr is where there is smoke, there is fire.... How do I get over this? or should I?

I thought leaving my relationship of many years was the scariest thing I ever faced, now I'm kicking myself for not leaving earlier. Things look so much clearer now in hindsight. The sad thing is, I'm convinced now that I was probably never really in love with my wife....but acted out marriage for over 20 years. I left, got divorced (and subsequently financially ruined) and met someone new who is perfect for me. I never knew what true happiness is. That is my wish for you!

Thanks for all the input so far!! Others please chime in!!! She tells me I treat her better than any man she has ever known. She brags about me to everybody. Sometime I think its me. Because of how she violated my trust in the past, I'm almost afraid not to be wary. But I do find myself getting suspicious about things only to find out I was totally off-base. My main issue is with the online conversations. Her friend list in her messenger has hundreds of people. I have no idea who these people are or what their intent is. I'm sure most are innocent. But it always seems like she doesnt want me to see who shes chatting with. Like two nights ago, I came in from work and walked behind her (she didn't hear me come in) while she was on her computer. I noticed she had several Instant message windows open. I set my stuff down and walked back by her just seconds later and she had closed or hidden all the message windows. Who wouldn't be wondering?? I actually think most of it is coversations with people she knows and yes they hit on her and yes she eats it up. But I don't think it will develop in to anything. I just wish it would stop. She insists nothing is going on, and even says she knows it makes me uncomfortable so she goes out of her way to not do anything to make me suspicious. TO PROMISING MIDNIGHT...I have no problem with her liking attention, but most committed women don't go out of their way to flirt to get it. We talk openly about everything...including sex (and there is no question she is happy there ,....and yes she is wild there too ) I guess I just need to continue to trust her...but be observant.

You only get one chance at life...why waste it being miserable. i don't care what anyone else will tell you here, if you honestly feel what you have posted, its time to break this relationship up. You're not doing the kid(s) any good...nor yourselves. I waited many years trying to figure out if I should end my marriage. Now that its over, I am sickened at the years I wasted trying to wait it out. I've met someone new who I believe is my soulmate and am happier than I've ever been. Walking out will be the hardest thing you will ever do. You may feel very alone for awhile too. Gather up a strong support system (friends and family) and make the leap. Times a wastin' Be happy. What else in life matters??

Been seeing a wonderful lady for about 8 months. We started living together in December. We're now engaged. I love her so much it hurts. Everything about our relationship is awesome...except for one thing. She has been single for many years and had no intention of ever getting married. In fact she was contemplating a bi relationship out of curiosity. She was a bit wild. To make a long story short, as we started to fall in love early in our relationship I thought we were both committed to each other and were not seeing others. After we moved in together, I was playing around on her computer and (yes I know i shouldn't have) I looked at her Instant Message archive. I saw that she had been doiong all types of inappropriate conversations, flirting, talking with guys about getting together, and even was talking with a guy she occasionally had sex with and was setting up a time to get together. Of course I confronted her with all this. We had a huge fight as I was starting to leave her. We talked it out and she said she realized she needed to change her ways. For the most part I THINK all that is in the past. I have no real reason to suspect she is cheating on me....we're together constantly. I really believe she is deeply in love with me. But, she still spends a lot of time using the Messenger on the computer and I know she has many conversations with guys (and gals) who hit on her. This is partially because her profile online still has some 'provocative' photos of her on it. Last night when i got home from work, i saw she had a message on her screen from some guy hitting on her. I don't believe she even responded back to the guy, but it made me uncomfortable again. I asked her why she spent so much time on Messenger and why she left all the photos on her profile. I told her it looked like she was still "trolling" for attention. By the way she still maintains a profile on a dating service. I must admit, she has clearly labeled her profiles that she is engaged. When i bring this whole topic up (haven't mentioned it in months) she gets instantly mad....which just makes me more suspicious. She has told me (and others) that one of the reasons she was staying single for so long was because she felt that men introduced too much drama in her life. So I'm afraid to discuss these concerns I have fearing I'll chase her off. She said last night that she feels like she can't use her computer because I'll think she's doing something wrong. I don't want her to feel that way. I'm normally not the suspicious type...she just has given me too many reasons not to wonder. I view instant messages much like phone calls. How would she like it if strange women from all over the country were calling me all the time. She says she doesn't look at it that way. Also, she is openly very flirtatious when we're out and about...that always bothers me, but again she says its harmless fun. AGAIN please understand, I really don't think she is actually seeing anybody else. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks for all your insight. First, let me say I don't see the kids as being in any danger. I think what I was seeing was the climax of the clash of an overworked, underpaid, overstressed single mom and some kids who we're trying to be as difficult as possible. Things have got better since. I talked to Cindy and told her, from my totally inexperienced view, she needed to a) find better leverage points with her kids (instead of yelling and screaming), b) think and maybe take a break before she yells at the kids about something. She is trying it and we're seeing results! Instead of yelling matches, Cindy has instead started taking away things (toys and priviledges) from the kids when they don't do what they're supposed to do like keep their room clean or clean up their messes in the rest of the house...and believe me they're not asked to do much! This is working very well and the shouting and tension has almost disappeared. I think the main issue Cindy was facing was I think she was going through some depression and she just let the house go herself....so the kids were following her example. So when she started asking them to keep things clean, they couldn't understand why the change. Plus the ADD kid is now on a different med which is calming things down greatly. Yes!, I do help out around the house quite a bit. I wash the dishes, vacuum, do laundry, fix things, help the kids with homework (if they don't already have it done), etc. No its not a pefect situation...mom works too many hours, can barely pay the bills, and is not a great role model. But you have to understand, she has sacrificed everything for these kids herself, and of course gets no help from the kids fathers. She stays home every night to be there for the kids. I'll continue to try to help and advise, and will take your advice and try to seek some parenting help for her...and I'll also try to talk to her about the example she sets. I'll keep you posted. Thanks again!

I've recently become involved with a single mother, Cindy, whom has 2 kids ages 8 and 12 living with her. I have been married but never any kids. Cindy has led a very rollercoaster life…she's been married three times and oftentimes leads a fairly wild lifestyle. She often works six days a week, so the kids are latchkey. If she has to work the weekend, they're home alone. What I am observing is a household out of control. Cindy appears to have absolutely no tolerance for her kids….and her kids don't seem to listen to her at all. The typical day is Cindy comes home from work, walks in the front door and starts screaming at the kids for all the messes they've made, or whatever. And when I say screaming I mean screaming laced with F-word profanity. She also seems to find reason to spank the kids nearly everyday! Yet the kids still continue to make messes or do whatever the offense was that got them in trouble sometimes just minutes before….it appears they don't care and their mom has no ability to control their behavior. This goes on every day…I'm not kidding. I have seen her yell at the kids for something…lets say leaving their shoes in the middle of the floor…and even spank them for it. Yet 15 minutes later, they'll do the exact same thing again! And they'll do it over and over again. If I was the kid…I'd never leave my shoes there again. Both kids are constantly whining, too… Cindy does not set a good example…she obviously makes no effort to clean house and often leaves her own clothes thrown around. There are other things she does that does not set a good example. I've also noticed that Cindy doesn't seem too concerned whether the kids eat or not…often leaving the kids to fend for themselves. The kids father is a drunk and a drug user. They spend about every other weekend with him. Ugh! When Cindy is not around her kids she is a totally different person….calm, sweet, rational, humorous, and amazingly compassionate! She has told me she is at her wits end. I truly believe if she could pawn her kids off on their father she would do it. I don't believe she would ever intentionally hurt them physically. I think she just doesn't want to be bothered with being a parent anymore…she has admitted she doesn't give them any quality time…mostly because when she does have a few minutes to relax, she would rather do something she enjoys…not deal with kids. And for the record, one of the kids is ADD and takes Ridalyn (sp?)…and Cindy believes she has adult ADD although I don't believe she has been professionally diagnosed as such. Cindy has many other redeeming qualities….parenting just doesn't appear to be one of them. I would like to help Cindy with all of this but I have no idea where to start. And I doubt that she will change her behaviors to try to set a good example….I think she thinks yelling is easier and less time consuming, yet she admits it doesn't work. I guess the first and most obvious thing you will tell me is she needs to accept her role as the parent. I don't know if I can fix that. I'm also concerned that she is building up serious resentment toward her kids….on the rare occasions they do something nice or sweet, she blows it off. But is there any other advice you have that can lower the tension and conflict between mom and kids? Such as why the kids aren't listening? How could Cindy better get them to do what they're supposed to without so much yelling and spanking? Any help is appreciated. Oh and I don't know if counseling is an option if for no other reason they already are barely surviving paycheck to paycheck.

I'm glad this worked for you, but it could have backfired just as well (if you really wanted to get back together). Were you bluffing or did you really mean it? Sounds like its time to move on regardless. Hope you get what you want!

First, thanks to all that responded. What a great site. I feel like I'm the only person in the world going through this, yet I get advice from as far away as Glasgow! To Lightingbird and Laadied: As I said, I don't feel motivated to see a counselor together. That seems telling to me. In my case, Laadied, the vase hasn't been dropped, but its cracked and chipped from age, wear, neglect and abuse. This sounds cold, but I'm thinking its time for a new vase. Now I realize I never really liked that vase anyway. Its weird you asked about what if my wife died. I have this strange fear that, heaven forbid if she did, I wouldn't be truly grief stricken, I wouldn't cry and sob in intense pain the way a spouse should. Again this seems telling. You have to understand, my spouse has for many years been a very detached person. She hasn't been a romantic, touchy/feely, kissy person. There's a word for people like this that I can't seem to remember right now. She's also very neurotic. All the things you said to do to get close to her are things that I would rather avoid doing. She's actually still very attractive and sexy, but I just don't emotionally want to seek her out. I don't know how else to explain it. This really fills like a shell of a marriage, an empty vase. Yet, I see couples all around me who appear to be in similar situations, but they just stay with it. Their not happy, they fight, or live separate lives under one roof, they're not truly happy, yet the concept of divorce, which is probably in the back of their minds, is something they never actually pursue. This feels like lives wasted to me. To Cookies: Thanks for your insight. Sorry you went through what you did. Your situation was more obvious. He was a deadbeat graduating to a pervert. My wife has many problems (some pretty severe, but I won't air that dirty laundry here), as I'm sure she would say I do as well. The couples counseling just doesn't seem to make sense for me. I'm sure we could go (although we'd fight for weeks for me suggesting it) but I actually think it would make things worse. We'd probably fight about each discussion point. If I don't feel I want to save the marriage, why go through all that pain and aggrevation? I think you understand. Isn't it possible that sometimes people just need to go their separate ways? That the union shouldn't have happened to begin with or should have ended a long time ago? I'm not catholic or deeply religious so my vows aren't what's holding me in my relationship. If its a lost cause, If I'm not wanting to work at it anymore, what's the point? Oh, and you probably all won't even believe this, but I HAVE worked VERY HARD at keeping my marriage alive until recently. I've been incredibly attentive, respectful and I'm the one who always compromises. I'm the one who always carries the conversations, while she provide one word responses, but then criticizes me because I never talk to her. She complains that we never do anything fun (even though we go to movies, and eat 80% of our meals out) yet when I ask her what she wants to do she replies "I don't know, or I don't care." Sorry...started venting there. To Ziggy: My wife would fend off all the advances you described. She'd say not now. I'm sorry, but I can't agree with your comment "it is not marrying the right person it is being the right person." You'll all roll your eyes, but I truly believe deep down in my heart I've been the right person all along. I've done all the things your supposed to do and more. Maybe the part of the problem is we've just gone in different directions. I don't know how you repair that. Plus, and I have been thinking about this a lot, if you don't really like the person your with, meaning you don't like their personality, their style, their interests, how do you "counsel" your way around that. I can't ask her to become a different person. Sorry for the long post. Does any of this make sense?

I'm 39 years old and married for 18 years, with no children. I probably married too young without really knowing the person I was marrying. I've become unhappy in my marriage. My friends tell me to see a marriage counselor, but I really don't have any interest in fixing things. Over the past few years I've determined that I'm really not "in love" with my wife anymore. I don't even regard her as my best friend. Everything she says and does irritates me, but I don't say anything. I find myself avoiding her, and of course that makes her angry. We don't fight a lot, but when we do it gets ugly. I just don't see any point to continuing. Most of the time I'm "faking" our relationship…faking like I care, faking like I'm interested, etc. Obviously our sex life is non-existent and rather unromantic when anything does happen. I think its been about two months. We really have grown apart over the years. We don't have similar interests so often we don't do anything fun. We've become distanced from our friends as a result. When I start to tell my wife some of how I feel, she just gets mad and defensive and runs off or starts yelling "if you don't like it here, then leave." I can't imagine going through this charade for the rest of my life. Problem is, she has become very dependent on me financially and probably emotionally. I think leaving her will devastate her, even though, if she were honest, she'd say she also isn't very happy. Am I wrong to want to break this off and seek a more satisfying relationship…someone I really connect with? Honestly, if I were to stay married I could see myself getting in to affairs. I've had opportunities before that I didn't pursue. If that's my mindset, isn't a divorce best for all concerned. My mind seems so clear on this, yet actually going through with it seems impossible….such a big step. Is this normal? I'm soooo confused.