nenez

Hi this guy is never going to date because he has all these parties etc as his 'work'. He sees himself as the top dog, you are his toys. he may be gay, or just up for sex, I tend to favour the latter but for your own benefit I would suggest not taking him up on his offer of nights in and find a guy who will take you out as well as keep you in .. With love nenez

Hi You are right, we live in a world where polishing of the truth is common. This is of course a problem if we believe the lies but if we don't its not so bad. Advertisisng is based on a skewed view of reality as is politics. But also history, opinion and feelings. If we all told the whole truth just the truth and nothing but the truth it might be a better world but it could be a little bald. In relationships you should tell the truth as you experience it. It may be vastly different to the other persons but that helps understanding. I havent got a definitive answer for this, and for that I express regret. But this is a fascinataing topic. With love nenez

KNIT ONE PEARL ONE SKIP ONE 1 Shades of grey. One of those nights when the sky shimmered with menace of rain still yet to come and the air was swollen with the moisture of rain already past. The streets were wet and shiny in the gloom, the sound of footsteps a sharp, wet smack on the pavement. The woman walked down the street, small drops of water bursting up from the remains of the puddles gleaming about her feet. Her coat was long and clipped the tops of her spiked black ankle boots. Her dress swishing out on each step was a contrast in texture, a silver silk slash with each step from the dark woollen folds of her long black coat. Light from the street lamps illuminated her progress as she stepped from shrouds of darkness into wavering pools of light. The gleam of the pavements reflected her steady progress. Despite her regular stride she seemed to be struggling to move forward, the street seemed longer in the thickening night and her gradual journey to the end of it seemed slow, taking longer than it should have. Perhaps it was the ridiculous spike of her boots or the weight of the coat. She appeared to be dealing with an extra weight, her tread was certain but strained. She looked straight ahead neither turning her head, nor lowering her gaze. As they passed she looked right through him. He turned to watch her progress. She continued with the same steady, laden tread to the end of the street. She turned the corner, disappearing from his sight and never looked back. Duffy was to remember that night for good reason. It was when he got home that he found the flat in disarray and the stereo and TV missing from their usual places. Every cupboard had been gone through and items thrown willy-nilly onto the floor and every available surface. He saw the saucepans stacked in their usual three sitting incongruously by the cat's bowl, cat food scattered from the bowl where it had been knocked. Silverware was scattered over the work surface, with coffee and sugar mingling stickily around the base of the kettle, which had been tipped over and emptied its contents on the work surface and down to the floor. There remained below a sticky puddle of coffee and sugar seeping into the carpet tiles. It crossed his mind in an irrelevant way that he could move the tiles around and hide that bit. He inhaled deeply and scratched his head. He went into the bedroom and sat on the bed. His favourite red socks were lying forlornly over the edge of the laundry basket, a little oasis of familiarity in a sea of disruption and disorder. As a copper he was familiar enough with the signs of a burglary and the aftermath of clearing and discovery, the intrusion of the police and the distress it caused. He understood the suspicious workings of the insurance companies who hung on to their money until the last minute, verifying the facts and figures. He knew all this and knew also that this hadn't happened to him. Instead a more mundane event in another life, a chilling one in this. It was obvious that Anna had gone, taking most of what belonged to her although not all and some of what they had jointly bought together, small mementoes like the picture of their holiday that they'd framed in a ridiculous purple heart shaped frame just because they were so much in love and things like that made her laugh and when she laughed he'd give her anything. He turned over the meagre leavings of her clothes. A couple of silk shirts that she only ever wore for work, a heavy skirt that was a little too big since she'd lost weight. One red shoe, the heel scuffed a little. Where was the other he wondered? He sat on the edge of the bed, no longer their bed, but now just his to steal the bedclothes every night and snore the world awake. To take all the pillows and leave his detritus on the covers while he slept. His head fell and drooped in his hands as already, he missed her creased frown as she picked up after him, complaining that he'd live like a pig if it were up to him. He'd always protested but she'd never lost that ancient female faith in the inability of a man, any man, to fend for himself in any reasonable way without a woman. How had he managed before her? He couldn't remember now but he had managed in a scattered way, a bit here, a bit there, of domestic endeavour. A minimum of possessions to litter and to dust, the easiest food, the microwave, the freezer, the takeaway. In his way he'd been an occasional star, with elaborate meals prepared and served, the flat spotless, fresh flowers in a vase, but only when she was coming to dinner. When she moved in the reality must have hit her hard, the dirty socks scattered where they fell and the minutiae of his erratic life, the life of a copper, a citizen of citizens as they were so tritely called by the popular press. The five-minute warning, the long hours, and the dread of what he might bring home. Violence and the destruction of lives so fragile that the slightest disruption seemed to pull the fabric apart leaving people with the remains of their existence tattered beyond repair. The invasion of lust and violence into lives so small there was room for nothing else once it had passed them by. He stood and sighed. The world had changed so fast since he was a boy; he remembered Summers so hot and so long, with green grass and blackberrying in the Autumn with his mother and his sisters. The sweet smell of rosehips as they split against a tree when shot from a homemade catapult. The distant cries of friends, shorts over dirty knees, grubby faces and hands. A bath once a week whether you needed it or not. He remembered his toys, the tin, the wood, the space age rockets and robots. Cowboys and Indians with guns that shot real caps. He recalled one Christmas when he stood with red nose and frozen feet outside Hamleys window for days on end wanting everything they had inside, a bright display of toys that most of the kids he knew would never have. There wasn't enough money and they all knew better than to ask. But still they came and kept the Christmas vigil outside the shop, mucky hands and faces smearing the glass until some shop assistant in lipstick and high heels would crossly try to shoo them away. They never left the first time or the second but would wait for the manager red faced and angry to run out. Then it was time to run screaming down the street, laughing and shouting and kicking the litter in the street. He'd hoped they would have children, him and Anna, but they'd waited and then all the fuss has started and no one felt like having children anymore. If you saw a pregnant woman in the street she'd not look proud like some full bellied galleon but shamed like a whore. No world to bring a child into even if you could afford it, even if you really wanted to, even if she'd wanted to, even if she'd stayed. 2 Later. Duffy: Hi Lucy, how are you? Lucy: Hi Dave, how are you. I'm fine. Andy's fine. How is Anna, I haven't seen her for a while? Duffy: Well that's really why I'm calling. She left last week and I haven't heard from her. She hasn't gone to her mothers and I really am beginning to get worried. Lucy: Left? Why would she leave? ( Andy, Anna's left Dave, of all the people.) Did you have a row? She'll be back; you know how impetuous she is. Duffy: She's taken all her things. I guess I just wanted to find out that she's Ok. Lucy: are you OK? Why don't you come over, we can have a bottle of wine and a takeaway. Duffy: Maybe another time Lucy, I'm not great company right now. Well thanks anyway. Take care, you guys. Lucy; And you Dave, I'll call you if I hear anything. Take care……………….. Duffy: Jerry, it's me Dave. Jerry; mate, how is going? Duffy; yeah well not so great, Anna's gone missing. I'm just phoning round seeing if anyone's heard of her recently like in the last week or so. She seems to have gone without a trace. I know she always had a soft spot for you and I thought she might have, well you know. Jerry; No such luck mate. But seriously, when did she go? You sure she's gone missing, not just gone to her mums for a sulk. Duffy; I've checked there and anyway she's not like that. She stays and faces it does Anna. Look I've got to go, calls to make. Jerry; Good luck with it. Call us for a beer sometime. Yeah? Duffy; yeah, see you then………………………………………………………….. Every number in the book. Sounding sad and desperate, hearing them thinking what they all must be thinking that she's come to her senses at last , she's done better for herself like we all said she could, not wasting her time on a copper, a bit of a dead end bloke that Dave , nice bloke but you know what I mean dead end. Dead end. Duffy looked round the flat and noticed that it didn't seem just empty any more even after he'd tidied up, replaced the TV, moved the stuff around to make it different. It was stale and grey and he hated it. He wanted to be gone but he knew he could never move because she might come back and he had to be there just in case. She wouldn't look if he was gone. She'd frown and shrug her shoulders and turn and walk away. She could let go of things like that, put away her disappointment, look forward. He always looked back to safer happier things where you could edit out the bad parts and see your own happy childish face with freckles on the nose and forget the cold and the spanking sound of bare feet on lino. You just remembered the blackberries and your mother's strong brown hands, darning your socks, looking up and smiling. You didn't remember her saying she wasn't hungry as you and your sisters and your dad ate dinner. You never knew she went without for you, or that her clothes came from the jumble sale so you could have good shoes. Their sacrifice hurt you more and more but made them strong. So strong they ate you up with big red mouths like in that story he had read as a child and it had given him dreams. Now Anna had eaten him up and he was in stasis until she came back so he could come to life again. He cried at night.

Dearest Toggle Im sorry to hear you are down again. How did the interview go? You havent posted that. Remember that the path is not a staright one, there are ups and downs. You might slip back for a day or two but these periods will get less. Someone posted some excellent observations about a friend who is lonely and unpopular. If you direct your focus outwards you will focus less on your own troubles. Make yourself a promise. As well as all the other things I have asked you to do. try saying one nice thing to someone else every day. With a smile. Im still thinking of you With love Nenez

I have , and second and third and fourth etc etc. If you feel you never will, take heart. You will and given time will look back on the relationship with fondness not pain. With love Nenez

Women do it because men dont give emotionally. Women may manipulate a man to increase the attraction. Men can be very withholding and unable to recognise a womans need for emtiotnal honesty. However, it doesnt really work in the long run. Openness and emotional honesty work best for both sexes. You should not be afaraid to say how you feel and what you want, however we have all learnt from experience to hold back so as not to rush pressure or appear needy. Sad to say . With love Nenez

Yes you can but it is unlikely. However thst does not mean that this shouldnt be a relationship that is significant at this stage of your life. Dont hold back, enjoy your time together but should it end , treasure it. If it lasts for life you are one of the lucky ones. My first relationship was deeply intense but we only lasted 3 years 16-19. However , he is still a friend, he is still important to me and Im glad that I had that time with him Also, dont do anything daft and get married too young. Give yourselves a chance. With love Nenez

Hi Im sorry to say that this man is a user. He will not commit. He will not give up moving from girlfriend to girlfriend because he is a destructive relationship cycle. It was probabaly a mistake to have spent the night with him because it has awakened all your feelings but not his. He did not call, he was offhand in his reply to your nice e mail. You sound like a strong and sensitive woman and I think you deserve better. He cannot be saved by your love. He can only sort himself out. He is rsing 40. He should have grown up by now and should not be disregarading your feelings in such a cruel and callous way. Do not use your daughter as an incentive. It will rasie her hopes and hurt her and he could not care less. I am sorry to be so harsh but you will mess yourself and your daughter up if you let this user into your life again. You can do better. With love Nenez

Hi yes i did write this myself. Both the poems I have posted I wrote myself. I try to write from my own experiences. I am also willing to accept the challenge to write a poem on ANY subject if anyone cares to ask.. just for fun. Love nenez

…..On coming home….. Harsh words are past, And tears are spent. Now is the true test of our love. To forgive and leave the hurts behind And in our loving, healing find. My heart is full, Resolution strong, And I care only that this; That we should our destiny fulfil In fond and loving bliss. Forgive me now, Forget the hurt, And come to me heart open. With trust and hope and care, To me, your old love, newly made And in that love, In newness both, We shall be strong and wise. We shall make fate redeem herself As we share life together.

Hi You need to re woo her. If your relationship has gone stale, present her with a new dynamic independent you. This means no begging, no pleading etc. If you can see her great, go for a drink and show her that although you admire and love her, you are an independent person who can moe on, who has themselves and who is not needy or bitter. Don't ask her about new guys. State clearly that it was great to see her. Don't make a new date but leave it open for her to ring you. At worst you will have retrieved all your dignity, at best she will contact you. If she wont see you, write a nice letter thnking her for all the good times you had, all the nice things she did for you etc, say clearly how much you admire her independance. Tell her that you regret it ending (don't ask her back) Tell her what you love about her. You can say she might have been right about it going stale and suggest that there might be ways to ignite the spark again. Do not specify. At best she will contact you to find out what this is (think of something exciting you used to do and perhaps no longer do or a brand new thing) At worst you have closed the door with niceness and that is always good. However I reccomend that if she does not take you up on it, you leave her alone. If she changes her mind she may well initiate contact of her own accord. Sometimes stale and safe is not exciting but it can be just what you need. She may come to that conclusion on her own. Also a posibility, chat to a friend of hers to see how she is doing. Be upbeat and confident, not bitter or needy. The message will filter back that you are fine witjout her. Again dignity plus and she may contact you on the stength of it. Good luck Nenez

Dear toggle I met the man of my dreams at a hospital. We were both visiting sick relatives. The unfortunate fact is you can never tell where you are going to meet people but the more you go out the more chances you have. The libraray idea is to get you out into a non threatening place. Try an internet cafe if that suits you better or some other low key social space. Above all women do want a serious commitment from a guy but maybe not at this age. Its hard to imagine meeting the love of your life at 16 and staying together for ever although I know it does happen. If you focus on making friends of both sexes, people who share some of your ideas on life , the girlfriend thing will start to happen by itself. Everybody of your age is looking, seeking, trying out relationships so it will happen. Trust me Im glad to see that you seem much more positive. Keep it up With Love Nenez x

The important thing to remember is to be relaxed. Try not to open your mouth too wide as this 'eats' her and dont do the express train thing, less is more. Too much spit is also not good. You can practise kissing by using your hand. Make a slightly open fist, enough for about two fingers of the other hand. Thats about how big your mouth should be to start. Dont force her toungue back by pushing, just take it easy and all will go well. After the first couple of goes you will wonder what the worry was about. As to hands, on her waist or back is good, or on the nape of her neck or in her hair at the back. Dont go for the full on sex grope at first or she may push you away. Take it easy and it will develop naturally. Good luck.

Dearest toggle Its not an easy or a quick process I know but it can be done. Going to cluds and stuff like that is a bit overwhelming and you cant talk to people so its hard to meet anyway. Try places where people do the kind of thing you like to do. And don't worry about your job, there is always work for people who want to do it (unless you are in liverpool in 1979) Remember, you have a whole life to get this right, not just two or three weeks. And on your birthday dont be sad because i will be wishing you a happy day. I have a lot of friends in Essex , its a cool place to be. There is lots going on, you will find your place. I have every confidence in you. With Love Nenez xxx

..….What your love means to me…… I wake up every day and see your face. I turn to you to find the place Between your neck and shoulder, Sweet with sleep. The bed is empty when you're not there. I smell your scent upon the air But, as light fades and twilight meets The day, you're mine. When cares and troubles hold me down, I look to you to smooth the frown From my face and worries Seem much less. I love your face with every working line That age and care have marked and mine Is much the same I know, But you're beautiful. Of all the places I could choose to be, I would choose to be with you beside me, In any time or place. You make me whole. There is too much for me to say, How much I love you and in what way. You make my life so good, So wonderful. So read these lines; smile if you must, For until I am made ash and dust, I will be, in all ways yours, If you'll be mine.

Your poem is lovely.

Dearest Toggle Thank you for setting out in more detail what your problems are. Please don't think that any of these are insurmountable problems. It seems as though you are suffering from a mild form of depression where you feel detached from the reality of the wold and are gradually withdrawing from it. Attempts to pull you back in make you angry and cause you to hide away even more. You say that you know we will say go out and meet people. It would be a good idea but meet the right people. You need people who are quiet and sensistive, who will understand and respect your feelings. I would like you to try perhaps going out once a week to a quiet place, perhaps the park or the library to study, try being with people without having to interact with them. Observe the world around you and keep a diary of things that are good, like kids playing and laughing, or old people still togther after 40 years or beautiful natural things like a sunset or rain sparkling on the pavement. These things may make you feel sad but they are all out there for you to experience. Try to channel some positive feelings. Try evalauting your appearance, you say you are ugly, Im sure you are not. However if you don't like your looks try a small change here and there to improve your self image, a new hairstyle, or clothes can make you feel great. Practise talking to people to make interaction with them less painful. Do this alone and then it will feel easier when you do meet people. Find a persoanl mantra and repeat it to yourself several times a day especially at the start of your day. Mine used to be Young Strong and beautiful because i didnt feel I was any of those things. Now I believe that I am. Find a special object, a small one, and take it with you always. Tell yourself that nothing bad can happen to you while you carry this. Hold it while you say your mantra. Mine is a stone I found on the beach when I was 15 after my mother died. I have it still and it goes with me always. Smile as often as you can. Smiling releases endomorphins into the body and is a natural high. Even if you don't feel happy you will look happy and that helps others to relate to you. Over a period of time it will also make you feel happier. Finally remember that we are all here for you and will help you all we can. Don't give up on yourself because I for one am not going to give up on you. With Love Nenez xxx

Dear randy All shapes and sizes are fine. 90% of the stimulation for a woman comes from the emotional content of love making. Also the cltoris is on the outside so what is inside isnt as important. As long as a man has enough to make an entrance as it were, and is reasonably capable there should be no problem with size. One of the best lovers I ever had was really quite small but it made no difference to the end result. PS Clean is good.

Dear looloo The pill does not always work, the morning after pill does not always work. If you are unsure get a kit and take a test or go the family planning clinic, advice is free and confidential. Above all stop this method of birth control. The man releases sperm inside you well before he ejaculates. You should condsider going on the pill or usisng condoms as a better method. Then you may enjoy your sexual relations to the full without worrying. If your boyfriend does not cooperate with this then he has no respect for you. Neither of you will want an unwanted pregnanacy and all that entaisl. Do something about this now, as soon as possible. the longer you leave it the fewer options you have . Good luck. If you are not pregananat its been a lucky escape. Dont push that luck. With love

Michael I think your advice is really good. I am not a believer in God myself but I do believe that faith can enrich ones life to an incredible degree. If you have that faith then yes you are truly in touch wth God even if, as i believe God is the inner spirit that unites us all in our humanity. With love Nenez

He keeps repating his mistakes for attention, for results. We all do this, we get into repeating patterns and find them hard to break. It seems as though you have done all you can do. Keep him in therapy, a disinterested party will have more luck pointing him in the right direction than you from within the realtionship. Be calm and patient, and as with a child reward his 'good ' behaviour and try to ignore the bad. By going back to a child /parent relationship he will re find his inner child and be able to regrow and perhaps take a clearer path. It is a long process and you will need to be patient. Also look at practical ways to help. Perhaps he could be self employed if he keeps getting fired from his jobs, then he has to shoulder the responsibility for himself. Perhaps you should drive or sell the car to avoid jail time if he keeps getting caught. Try a new circle of friends who dont knoew him so he can make a fresh start. Good luck.

I think it means she likes you and is flattered. next move is to ask her out, not a hot date, a friendly one. If she sys yes there you are. If she says no wait it out and try again later. Not many women could resist being told they are loved.... Good luck.

Im sorry to tell you that sex thoughts are very normal and there is no real way to stop them. The average man thinks about sex at least every five minutes. Women once an hour. My best advice is to find a natural release for these feelings eg sexual partner, and don't overindulge in subject matter that is especially designed to make you feel horny. eg jazz mags etc. A story: True. A friend of mine never had sex for years. He didnt at school and at university it was his @thing@ to be a virgin and waiting for the right girl. At 34 he still hadnt so a friend of his , not me . offered to break him in. She had sex with him twice and tried to teach him all she knew. He later met a girl and had sex once. He is now 41 and thats it. All three times he didnt ejaculate because a girl couldnt do it as hard or as fast as when he was masturbating. He masturbates up to 18 times a day. Moral. Find a girl to do it with and leave the old man alone...lol

When we think of suicide it is often with the thoughts that they will all be sorry then. Everyone has probelms, some severe and unending. This can lead you to thoughts of ending it all. Tp counteract this take the following practical advice. List the problems in order of severity. They may be bullying, lack of personal relationships, no friends etc. Now ask yourself If I do nothing at all, really nothing, to help myself, will any of these problems go away by themselves. Some of them will, just by getting older eg bullying at school has to end when you leave. Now think of tiny things you can do to relieve the problems. It could be as simple as joining a club or group to meet some new people. Try doing these small things. These small acts of empowerment may help you to get a grip on your life and reestablish some control. Then move on to bigger things. Its a long process but it does work. Remember that depression and angst is common in young people, we do all grow and move away from this if we try. Talk to other people about how you feel. If there are no @real@ reasons for tese feelings you may be sufferring from clinical derpression brought on by stress. Go and see your doctor who will be sympathetic and helpful. Rememeber also that we are all on the planet for a relatively short time, dont shorten it any more . Your parents and friends would be heartbroken. You yourself would never realise your potential. If you would like to talk about this more send me a private message.

Hi Please dont worry. Circumcision is very common in England. It makes no difference at all to a woamna and many women prefer it. Its clean and has the reputataion for extending sex (which is good). What concerns me is that you are worried that you may be thought Jewish. Why would that be a problem for you? By the way it is also very normal for young men to worry about their penis, size , shape etc. Again, all sizes and shapes are good. What counts is the man behind it. Focus on being ahppy and relaxed with yourself and then perhaps this essentially trivial and unimportant issue will bother you less. On a personal note my boyfriend is circu,cised. He was born in East London so you dont get much more English than that. Take care x