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Thread: Worried about my best friend

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    That's mental illness....big denial that they need advice or help. They feel more comfortable coping with things their way because it feels "safe". Doing anything different scares them and that's when they panic, divert, go hiding. I doubt she is seeing 3 therapists. She's just telling you that as to not receive any advice. So what you can do is divert the conversation to more positive things, generic things, and nothing about her misery, depression or issues. Redirect her attention. Do it in small increments, and hopefully she will be more interested in how you make things positive for her. Hey it's worth a shot.
    Definitely worth a shot. Thank you for the input. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
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    Melancholy, Billie, batya, dancingfool, thank y’all for your advice as well. I appreciate it. I did look up energy vampire and it fits her to a T. I went down a rabbit hole while researching and somehow wound up on some other things like personality disorders and narcissism. The more I looked into them the more those seemed to fit her well too.

  3. #23
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    I am happy to hear that things have improved. Sounds like a much better environment.

    You said that she is receiving therapy?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I am happy to hear that things have improved. Sounds like a much better environment.

    You said that she is receiving therapy?
    Thank you! It definitely has. Yes she currently sees 3 different therapists. 2 of them I know she sees pretty regularly. She’s also in a support group for children of alcoholic parents, and another support group every Sunday for people who have left a church. So she’s getting a lot of support but it doesn’t seem to be helping her much.

    Just to point something out, she told me recently she had a conversation with one of her therapists about a dilemma - long story short she’s hung up on a guy she dated many years ago. He’s married, and they don’t speak To each other or anything. But she told her therapist she still follows him on social media because when she does finally get a boyfriend one day she wants him to see what he’s missing out on, be jealous, miss her, etc. Her therapist said “that’s understandable”. This is just one example, but I was thinking that was such an odd response from a therapist. It gave me the feeling that her therapists aren’t helping her. She obsesses over this guy and they haven’t spoken in 8 years. He’s married. I just feel like the therapist should have told her to unfriend this guy on social media and move on. :/

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  6. #25
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    Doesn't sound like she is receiving great treatment.

    You need to set boundaries if you wish to continue with this. This is not a healthy dynamic! You need to have a discussion and tell her what is off limits, if she starts rambling, change the topic. If this does not work, I would move on from the relationship. It sounds draining. Stop enabling her behavior, it is making it worse.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by undertheivy
    Thank you! It definitely has. Yes she currently sees 3 different therapists. 2 of them I know she sees pretty regularly. She’s also in a support group for children of alcoholic parents, and another support group every Sunday for people who have left a church. So she’s getting a lot of support but it doesn’t seem to be helping her much.

    Just to point something out, she told me recently she had a conversation with one of her therapists about a dilemma - long story short she’s hung up on a guy she dated many years ago. He’s married, and they don’t speak To each other or anything. But she told her therapist she still follows him on social media because when she does finally get a boyfriend one day she wants him to see what he’s missing out on, be jealous, miss her, etc. Her therapist said “that’s understandable”. This is just one example, but I was thinking that was such an odd response from a therapist. It gave me the feeling that her therapists aren’t helping her. She obsesses over this guy and they haven’t spoken in 8 years. He’s married. I just feel like the therapist should have told her to unfriend this guy on social media and move on. :/
    The therapist is a professional who knows what he/she is doing and probably knows very well what kind of a personality disorder your friend has. In other words, the therapist knows better than you how to respond to her in a way that might eventually be productive or at minimum not incite her into worse behavior or contradictory behavior.

    You are failing to understand that this woman is deeply disordered and continue to try to treat her like she is sane and so any common sense advice she will just accept, do, live by. When has she ever taken such advice? By your own admission, she doesn't. Keep reading up more on those personality disorders that seem to describe her so well. It will open your eyes a bit in terms of who you are dealing with. I hope it will open them enough that you actually walk away.

    This is not a healthy friendship and it's only going to get worse as she gets older Ultimately it is a one sided friendship - she uses you, unfortunately you've convinced yourself that she can't live without using you. She can and does. You are just one in a rotation of many sources of attention. Rather than focusing her, maybe focus on yourself and fix whatever it is that's attracting you to this toxic dynamic.

  8. #27
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    OP, look into co dependency. You fit the bill. Your other bf was like this, too.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    2-3 hour phone calls several times a week is a bit too much. Work on better boundaries. Remember that we teach people how to treat us. I think you could benefit from some counselling also if you're feeling overwhelmed or having trouble developing healthy boundaries. There is no shame in that. A good friend told me a few weeks ago that therapy is not just for hard times. She's been going for therapy for over 20 years and still finds benefit in listening and learning.

    I am like you and prefer working on personal issues silently or in the background. The world could be completely shattered but I'd never show it or not go on. Life does go on. You're right. But I think part and parcel of coping and developing healthy strategies is also developing healthy boundaries. You can choose to cope or you can choose to flourish. It's your choice.

    I hope things in the friendship smooth out a bit more. Take care of yourself.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    I have to agree with Dancing F. here.

    Dealing with someone insane is a job for the professionals. And it isn't healthy to engage with someone so disturbed. The negativity does rub off, and can drag you down too.

    You need to disengage from this scenario.

  11. #30
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    What she tells you is third party hearsay. You really can't evaluate and second guess therapists based on that.

    Bottom line. If you enjoy living vicariously through her drama then fine but then don't worry about her because clearly she has enough professional and peer group support.
    Originally Posted by undertheivy
    Her therapist said “that’s understandable”.

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