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Thread: Need advice from men only please...

  1. #1

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    Need advice from men only please...

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We love each other. He's very good to me and we get along great. We share similar values. However, he said he does not want marriage, and I do. After he said no to marriage, I started getting what I believe are signs from the universe and synchronicities, dreams, angel messages, visions that tell me we ARE going to be married. I haven't tried to force anything, and everytime I ask for confirmation, I get the sense that I should stay in this relationship. This has been confusing to say the least.

    This is what I'm thinking of telling him. I need to know how you, as a man, might feel if the woman you love said something like this to you:

    "I want to get married. And I know that you don't I just want you to know, there'll be no crying, begging, ultimatums or pressure of any kind. I respect your right to remain single. Nor do I want to break up with you (unless you do). I love being with you, and I don't feel that I'm wasting my time just because you don't want to marry me. But I do want to get married so I've surrendered this desire to God/Universe. And until something changes--I change my mind, you change yours--or I get a clear message to move on, I want us to keep going."

    What do you think?

    PS. We are older people with grown kids, so having children isn't an issue.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If you are leaving it up to the Universe, why do you feel you need to tell him you are? Why don't you just stay with him until you or he want to end things or as you say "until something changes?"

    I am a woman but I've looked at your opening post with a logical mind... not that of emotional response.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Hope you don't mind but I'm a lady.

    I think your message to your boyfriend is good but you can shorten it by making it brief. Your explanation is too wordy.

    I'd say something like this instead: "Even though I want to get married, I won't break up with you if you don't wish to marry me. I love being with you regardless of being married to you or not." Then let time tick away and let the relationship unfold.

    Don't predict the future regarding break up, moving on, who decides to break up, etc.

    Keep your statement to him simple and brief.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by vmackey
    However, he said he does not want marriage, and I do. After he said no to marriage, I started getting what I believe are signs from the universe and synchronicities, dreams, angel messages, visions that tell me we ARE going to be married. I haven't tried to force anything, and everytime I ask for confirmation, I get the sense that I should stay in this relationship. This has been confusing to say the least.
    It's confusing because you are rejecting reality. He, a tangible, interactive, human being, has told you he does not want to be married but you choose to ignore his request and seek an answer from the invisible, which ironically, appears to be repeating back to you exactly what your heart wants. The two answers conflict, so you become confused. Could it be that the universe's "signs/confirmations/etc" are really just a personal manifestation of your heart's desires and nothing more?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, but you sound like you want marriage so badly that you're trying to find hidden messages. Don't get me wrong, I know there are things in this world that can't be explained, but there are times where I think the mind can play tricks because it wants something so much.

    If you want to be fair to yourself and to your boyfriend, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that he does not want marriage. You can't force or manipulate.
    And you need to stop fooling yourself.
    You love this man, but he is not wanting marriage.

  7. #6
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    As a man I'd like the statement Cherylyn made moreso than yours. Short and to the point and no pressure.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by vmackey
    "I want to get married. And I know that you don't I just want you to know, there'll be no crying, begging, ultimatums or pressure of any kind. I respect your right to remain single. Nor do I want to break up with you (unless you do). I love being with you, and I don't feel that I'm wasting my time just because you don't want to marry me. But I do want to get married so I've surrendered this desire to God/Universe. And until something changes--I change my mind, you change yours--or I get a clear message to move on, I want us to keep going."

    What do you think?
    Not sure my being a man matters, but what would I hear if a woman told me this verbatim? Translation would be roughly this:

    "I want to get married. Soon, badly, and to you. I know you don't, I'm not okay with that at all. Has made me super edgy lately. But I'm going to pretend to be okay with it while subtly trying to manipulate you into marriage. So I'll be mentioning marriage here and there, from this point on, in little hiccups, with the the hopes of changing your mind. Hopefully it works. If not? Well, I'm a bit too skittish to contemplate that right now so I'll leave it at this, at least until it comes up again."

    Just being honest. It's kind of like how whenever anyone says "no pressure," they mean the opposite. Don't mean to knock the messages you're receiving—truly—but if the universe has a plan for you, and you trust its plan, why not just trust it? Only reason to share something like this is because you don't trust it, but want him to validate it in some capacity.

    When was the last time you guys had a chat about all this?
    Last edited by bluecastle; 01-13-2020 at 10:03 PM.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Lmao “men only” and the women flock to give advice! Classsic, haha

    OP If you actually mean what you are saying...that you are 100% in this relationship for the long haul, wedding or no wedding, then I don’t see a need to say anything at all?

    Personally - even though I am very much with you on intuitive messages and signs - I would feel like your disclosure was a veiled attempt to get me to change my mind about marriage. I think a lot of men would perceive it as a subtle manipulation (even if it’s just meant to be shared for the sake of openness and communication and reassurance.) Of course, I don’t know you or your man or your dynamic so what the heck DO I know?

    Just my two cents. Lots of love and best of luck!

  10. #9
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I want to change my answer to:

    “What bluecastle said”

  11. #10
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    OP to add further you must be truly accepting that there will be no marriage. Are you sure you are not pressuring him however you may want to frame it.

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